Need a Nudge, not Advice


unixknight
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I don't need advice on this one, I know what I should do, but I'm having trouble doing it so I'm requesting a nudge from my brothers and sisters here.

 

About 10 years ago I, in a fit of stupidity and carelessness, engaged in an activity that got me disfellowshipped.  The blame is entirely mine, I own that.

 

So afterward, I was meeting regularly with my Bishop and going through the process.  Well, during this point in my life stress was a big problem and I started to attend church irregularly, and when I did go, I rarely stayed after Sacrament meeting.  

 

One day, in the lobby of the church right after Sacrament, the Bishop intercepted me and started to lecture me, right in front of my family, some friends, and a bunch of other people from the ward, about how I needed to keep my attendance up if I wanted to get fully squared away again.

 

It was possibly the most humiliating moment of my entire life.  Did I have that lecture coming?  Yeah, I suppose I did... but in public like that?  Not so much...

 

So I was extremely angry and resentful, and I didn't go to church any more at that point.  I was given advice to contact the Bishop and let him know how I felt, and so I did.  His reply was apologetic, which I appreciated, but it didn't feel like he really understood what had happened.

 

The next time I saw that Bishop was at the reception for a friend of mine who had just gotten Sealed.  I greeted him and we shook hands, but then again he started lecturing me right smack in the middle of a crowd of people.  So, that was humiliation V2.0.

 

This is part of the reason I went almost 10 years without attending church.  

 

Well, the ward boundaries have changed and new Bishops everywhere and recently my family and I started going again.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not blaming that Bishop for my lack of attendance... I make my own choices and until recently I was mostly just being lazy. 

 

Well how here's the point of this post... I recently got an invitation from that Bishop to connect on LinkedIn.  I have ignored it.  I still feel resentful toward him and while I have not outright refused the invite, I've been ignoring it.

 

I know the right thing to do is to forgive and to probably accept that invite and leave all the badness in the past, but it's not so easy.  So, here I am, asking for a nudge.

 

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I wouldn't accept it.  Is he a potential business associate?  No reason to accept it.  I know you think you are trying to make the right decision here.  You can forgive without accepting the Linkedin invite.   You can leave the badness in the past by deciding to do so.  Believe me he didn't send the linkedin invite hoping you would accept and forgive.  

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I 100% agree with your assessment of the situation up until the LinkedIn part.  

 

Do you need to forgive this man?  Yes, for you own sake (which is why God tells us to forgive).  Holding a grudge and is like drinking a poison: it only hurts you and the other person doesn't even notice.  

 

Do you need to accept his LinkedIn invite?  Nope, you never have to accept anyone's invite.

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Ignore it.

 

It is a shame so many members of our church apply a doctrine of infallibility to our leaders. I'm not saying you did this. I am saying most people wouldn't understand your reaction to the bishop. I do. I think you are completely correct in not having anything to do with him. I am angry just thinking about it.

 

Yes, our leaders are set apart and given an extra measure of the priesthood to help discernment, but that doesn't mean they can't make idiotic mistakes. That's why I cringe when people post 98% of the time "talk to your bishop" when you have issues. Bishops are administrators first. It says so in the handbook. They are not marriage counselors, they are not employment counselors, they are not sex theripist or financial theripist. They are administrators. Yes, before you have me banned from the Forum, they are blessed to give guidance, but they are NOT the Pope, they are MEN with jobs and families and histories and they make mistakes.  

 

Rant, rant.  I just get so riled up when I hear bad bishop stories. Because we have thousands and thousand of wards, and the bishops change over every seven years or so, we're going to have bad bishops.

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Don't worry about LinkedIn... you only get linked on LinkedIn if you want the benefits of being linked on LinkedIn - usually, for people who need to maintain contacts for job hunting and the like.

 

But here's your nudge.  Call that bishop and wish him and his family a Merry Christmas.  Right now.  GO!

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Thanks for the input, guys.  Ironically, I detest social media and don't have Facebook, but as an IT pro it seemed to make sense to have LinkedIn.  

 

I think I'll need to pray more and find the ability to fully forgive.  I thought I had, but the last time I saw that Bishop it was when I visited my son's ward to be present for his Patriarchal Blessing, and I deliberately avoided the guy so he wouldn't see me.  I don't know if it's just that I was afraid of another lecture, or if I just disliked him enough to not even want to pretend to be cordial.  

 

Kind of ashamed of myself over that, actually.

 

But yeah I'll ignore the invite.  If he did send it consciously and asks me about it, I'll be honest and as diplomatic as possible.

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I really like anatess' suggestion. But I think you need to pray a prayer of faith for courage and forgiveness in your heart first. Then proceed to call him. The advantage of the phone is that you'll be talking one-on-one.. So if you start to get a lecture yet again you can stop him and ask him why he feels the need to do that *every* time you talk. You may also feel less embarrassed since nobody else is part of the discussion. It might be very interesting to hear what he says when you confront him about the lecturing. If I were you, I'd want to know why he'd lectured me in front of others and not in private. Was he even aware of the effect he was having? If he actually intended to give you a public dressing-down, perhaps he can explain why.. At least I would want to know..

If that's more than you feel the need or want to know then perhaps just consider wishing him and his family a merry Christmas .. Then pray for the humility to forgive and move on.

As to the linked-in invite.. I don't think you're under any scriptural mandate to accept.. ;) Accept or don't. It may not even be on his radar.

Whatever you do you need to find a way to move on.. Let go.. That's a gift worth seeking for and giving to the Lord and to this priesthood brother.. If you can ultimately offer a forgiving heart then it doesn't really even matter how he responds.. (Though being a bishop or former bishop, I would hope there could be some spiritual/emotional reciprocation on his part.. But if not, hey, you're commanded to love your brother.. Not necessarily become his best friend..)

Merry Christmas and may The Lord bless you and your family!

Edited by theSQUIDSTER
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I ignore 90% of invites I get from LinkedIn. Friends and family included. It's just not the place for me (being in the finance servicing world) to mingle with College professors, Electricians and Dentists, even though I think they are great people. I never feel bad about it. 

 

Don't sweat it. 

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Your Bishop is a "human" too, and the atonement heals all wounds even his imperfections in how he has interacted with you.  Remember he's a vehicle to take you TO the Lord, but not the only one, and won't stand in your way.  But no, you don't owe him a business link on LInkedIn.

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I don't need advice on this one, I know what I should do, but I'm having trouble doing it so I'm requesting a nudge from my brothers and sisters here.

 

About 10 years ago I, in a fit of stupidity and carelessness, engaged in an activity that got me disfellowshipped.  The blame is entirely mine, I own that.

 

So afterward, I was meeting regularly with my Bishop and going through the process.  Well, during this point in my life stress was a big problem and I started to attend church irregularly, and when I did go, I rarely stayed after Sacrament meeting.  

 

One day, in the lobby of the church right after Sacrament, the Bishop intercepted me and started to lecture me, right in front of my family, some friends, and a bunch of other people from the ward, about how I needed to keep my attendance up if I wanted to get fully squared away again.

 

It was possibly the most humiliating moment of my entire life.  Did I have that lecture coming?  Yeah, I suppose I did... but in public like that?  Not so much...

 

So I was extremely angry and resentful, and I didn't go to church any more at that point.  I was given advice to contact the Bishop and let him know how I felt, and so I did.  His reply was apologetic, which I appreciated, but it didn't feel like he really understood what had happened.

 

The next time I saw that Bishop was at the reception for a friend of mine who had just gotten Sealed.  I greeted him and we shook hands, but then again he started lecturing me right smack in the middle of a crowd of people.  So, that was humiliation V2.0.

 

This is part of the reason I went almost 10 years without attending church.  

 

Well, the ward boundaries have changed and new Bishops everywhere and recently my family and I started going again.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not blaming that Bishop for my lack of attendance... I make my own choices and until recently I was mostly just being lazy. 

 

Well how here's the point of this post... I recently got an invitation from that Bishop to connect on LinkedIn.  I have ignored it.  I still feel resentful toward him and while I have not outright refused the invite, I've been ignoring it.

 

I know the right thing to do is to forgive and to probably accept that invite and leave all the badness in the past, but it's not so easy.  So, here I am, asking for a nudge.

I ignore all invitations, on generally most platforms, except for email requests from people I know, and about 50/50 on facebook, if it's imporant they can email an explanation or call me or ask me next time we meet.

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