I'm an EQP. A member of my YSA branch was raped. Need advice

[johncarter4321]

This is my first time dealing with a serious matter such as this as a church leader, and as a friend.

I am an elders quorum president for a YSA branch, and a female member came to me (as a friend) and said she had been raped a few days ago by another member of the church (not in our branch or stake though). She said she does not want to do anything about it and does not want the branch president or anyone else to know about it.

Now me as EQP, I feel I HAVE to tell the branch president. And as a friend, I feel I tell someone as well. She is basically begging me to not tell anyone and says she would consider going inactive if this gets out. What should I do? I can't have this on my shoulders and not do anything about it. If you need more info, let me know and I can provide it.

[askandanswer]

My initial response is that having raped a member, the rapist is a danger to other members, and therefore establishing his identity, with the assistance of the person who was raped, should outweigh her concerns about this event becoming known. If I were you, I would probably leave the Branch President out of it and go straight to the Stake President. Stake Presidents are generally more experienced and wiser and better at dealing with such sensitive matters than Branch Presidents.

[Vort]

Very strongly urge her to go to the police immediately. It's too bad days have passed, but there might still be DNA evidence to establish her claim.

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

If she were underage, I would say you have to report it.  However, since she is not a child, and it sounds like she came to you as a friend, not as the EQP--I think you should respect her wishes.  She has already been betrayed by the person who raped her, and she would likely take it as yet another betrayal if you share her story without her permission.  

 

That said, I see no reason you can't try and reason with her about why she should tell someone--namely to try and protect other potential victims.  

 

As a friend, and leader, I hope your main concern will be her welfare--not just physically but emotionally, and spiritually as well. The most likely reason she doesn't want anyone to know is the shame.  Shame is really powerful.  It is not uncommon, especially in a case of date rape, for the woman to blame herself.  She will tell herself she should have been smarter, and not gotten into that situation, or that she should have fought back (although "play dead" is actually as normal a response as fight or flight, but it is seldom talked about.)  She may also fear what other people will think of her, or that she won't be believed.  And why should she think people will believe her?  How many women have come forward about Bill Cosby?  25 now?  And still there are some people who think he is innocent (clearly I am not one of them).  To have people doubt you when you are already overwhelmed with shame can be just too much.

 

I also want to caution you--to often in the church we make the mistake of saying, "forgive and let go" as if that will solve the whole issue.  It doesn't.  Certainly forgiveness is an important step, but it is NOT the first step in healing...someone suggesting it too early is likely to increase her shame, anger and pain.  Cheiko Okazaki gave a phenomenal talk about Healing from Sexual Abuse that I would recommend for EVERY priesthood leader.  And though it won't all apply, I think your friend may find it helpful too.

 

Please don't make the mistake of thinking that the worst part is over.  The emotional and spiritual repercussions--are likely yet ahead.  Suicidal ideation is very common among survivors of sexual abuse and rape.

 

When I say spiritual repercussions, I mean the shame, and perhaps anger toward God for allowing this to happen.  Anger is a normal part of the grieving process, and there is much loss/grieving involved in healing from this sort of trauma.

 

Encourage her to get therapy.  Ignoring this won't make it go away.  This kind of trauma is not something one can work through alone. 

 

I know of what I speak here because I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, and I have spent a lot of time in the last couple years (searching for my own healing) talking to other survivors, researching, blogging and writing a book (it's in my sig line.)  

 

I know this is a lot for you to consider, and you didn't ask for this, but just remember she didn't either.  But the Lord can and will be there to help her, and to help you as a friend.  

 

 

 

[Palerider]

Would go to the Police and report it.

[sxfritz]

As an EQP, you have no special rights or responsibilities in regards to the matter. As a human being you do. Look at the circumstance from outside your church calling. 

Edited December 29, 2014 by sxfritz

[Misshalfway]

I'm with Parakeet on this one.  As hard as it is, I think it's important to understand that it's not your burden to carry.  It's hers.  She must decide what to do.  Your job is to help her carry her own burden, not take over and override her.  If she were underage, that would be different.  Then it would be your responsibility.  I think it's key that she came to you as a friend.  Perhaps the lines of where your EQP duties begin and end are muddled for you.  So, I guess I'm saying that yes you can hold this information and do nothing.  Well, maybe not do nothing.  Encourage her to go to the police or get counseling or comfort her fears.  But you have to do what God has to do....respect the agency.

[NeuroTypical]

What LP said.

 

Bishops and branch presidents have a 1-800 number to call for legal and spiritual advice when they hear such things.  If she chooses to go to hers, he'll do the appropriate thing.

 

Stay her friend.  And read this a lot.

 

https://www.lds.org/ensign/1999/08/judge-not-and-judging?lang=eng&query=

[PolarVortex]

We don't know the details of this incident.  Was the woman attacked and dragged by her hair behind some tree in a park?  Or did it start as a consensual act that the woman now retrospectively categorizes as rape?  If there is any blurriness in her opinion of this act, it may explain her reluctance to report it to anyone.  The stake should be protected from rapists, but the man behind this incident also has a right to be judged on facts.

 

The stake president cannot do his job unless he knows what's going on in the stake.  I would talk to him and say that a woman (whom you decline to name) has stated that she has been raped but that she does not want to report it or to disclose her identity.  You're walking a tightrope here.  There is no perfect path forward.  But what you cannot do is be silent in the face of evil.  And online forums are great for brainstorming and getting outside opinions, but they may not be competent to advise you on serious matters such as these.  I would be very careful about making any final decisions on the basis of any posts here, including this one.  

[Bini]

Rape is rape.

 

It does not matter if you are dragged into the bushes and raped, or initially you feel safe but then lose that sense of security. If you say NO, the answer is NO. There is no justification for abuse, and rape, is a heinous one.

 

I agree with some of the other posters. Strongly encourage her to seek professional help and contact the police. But she is the victim, and it is up to her, what steps she chooses to take. We cannot save everyone.

[Vort]

We don't know the details of this incident.  Was the woman attacked and dragged by her hair behind some tree in a park?  Or did it start as a consensual act that the woman now retrospectively categorizes as rape?  If there is any blurriness in her opinion of this act, it may explain her reluctance to report it to anyone.  The stake should be protected from rapists, but the man behind this incident also has a right to be judged on facts.

I could not agree more. I have seen exactly this occur, even (especially) the bolded part.

 

A woman who falsely accuses a man of rape should receive the exact prison sentence the innocent man would have received had he been convicted. (Which my ex-cop brother-in-law informs me is pathetically short, at least in this state.) I have no problem with the idea of forcible rape being a capital punishment, but by the same token I have no patience with women who make false accusations of rape. They should be caged away from decent people.

[Just_A_Guy]

I heartily endorse LP's post and would just suggest that you try to lay some groundwork so that, when she feels she's ready to go through channels, it's as easy on her as possible. For example:

1) As EQP you have jurisdiction over her home teachers. Make sure her home teachers are sensitive individuals she can trust and with whom she has good repoire; and consider a change-up if appropriate.

2) Depending on the RS president's personality and sensitivity, you MIGHT want to consider letting the RS president know, in general terms, that your friend has had some personal trauma lately; that you aren't at liberty to disclose details and would hate to see the RS pres start grilling her, but that hopefully she can take your friend under her wing a bit.

3) Keep your priorities straight. It would be nice to see law enforcement nail the scumbag; but rape is so hard to prosecute and your forensic window is so nearly shut; that IMHO unless she makes a police report and has a kit done in the next 72 hours, you should probably focus your attention on helping your friend rather than initiating legal process against the perp. At most, you might (with friend's permission) call the perp's bishop and let him know that there are allegations against the perp; that the victim is in no emotional state to make a formal allegation at present but that you felt he should be aware so that he can at least put the young women in his congregation on notice (maybe not about the perp specifically--that might run afoul of slander laws--but an enrichment night about personal safety wouldn't go amiss).

Edited December 29, 2014 by Just_A_Guy

[Bini]

A person is allowed to change their mind and choose better judgment. If a couple is cuddling and kissing, but things are becoming hotter and heavier, it's within person A's right to tell person B that they want to stop. If person B doesn't take them seriously and forces it - that's rape - regardless of if it started off consensual. Once you verbalise NO, it is NO.

 

I agree that having consensual sex (meaning you're not verbally or physically resisting, or you're underage) and then turning around claiming rape, is wrong.

 

Just wanted to add that.

[Pa Pa]

If she nor you turn the rapist in, he will do it again and again.

[CdnMama]

I was raped when I was living overseas. I told the branch president about it, but he didn't understand my language and I couldn't explain it to him in words that translated well. It was a difficult situation and I have gone through trauma counselling to heal. I would encourage you to guide this young lady to the authorities and to speak to her branch president. She should understand that she has done nothing wrong and seeking out a priesthood leader will help to provide her with the opportunity to heal, have a blessing and to understand that what happened to her was not her fault.

[johncarter4321]

Thanks for all the advice everyone. Although I am still torn on what I should do, for now I'm not going to tell the branch president or anyone else. Like most of you said, this is her decision to make and I do not want to break her trust by telling someone else. She's already been betrayed once by someone and I wouldn't want to do that again (although it is under extremely different circumstances)

I will definitely encourage her to go to the police, although I'm not sure if it will be too late to find any evidence? I will also encourage her to seek counseling as well.

Most of all, I will be there to support her. I will offer a priesthood blessing and anything else I can help with. Again, thanks for all the advice and help

[kapikui]

Rape is rape.

 

It does not matter if you are dragged into the bushes and raped, or initially you feel safe but then lose that sense of security. If you say NO, the answer is NO. There is no justification for abuse, and rape, is a heinous one.

 

I agree with some of the other posters. Strongly encourage her to seek professional help and contact the police. But she is the victim, and it is up to her, what steps she chooses to take. We cannot save everyone.

 

The problem is that there are women who engage in consensual activity (generally the more religious ones) who afterward then decide that they are not the kind of girl who would do such a thing and then rearrange reality to categorize it as rape.  I knew one who said that an act was rape because the guy was nice to her and she felt that if she did not initiate such activity, he would cease being nice to her.

 

EDIT

OK, nevermind, I just saw your followup post

Edited December 30, 2014 by kapikui

[Jane_Doe]

Ok, majority of I'm going to say has already been said here (and Parakeet hit a home run), but I'm going to add my voice to the chorus because I've been in your friend's shoes.  

 

1)  Above all else you will NOT force her to do anything.  You will NOT tell anyone without her consent (exceptions being made if she starts doing something really dangerous).  She is the one in charge here.

2)  She came to you as a friend, so your position as EQP is 100% irrelevant.  

3)  She needs you as her friend.  Be there for her 300%. 

4)  Whatever happened: it was not a her fault.  Yes, maybe she did make some mistakes, but that doesn't change the fact that what he did was WRONG and she was not responsible for it.  She will probably need to be told this 1,000 times.  

5)  If possible, I would encourage her to seek counseling and medical attention.  

6)  If she's willing to come forward with this man's identity, that would be a good thing.  This is to protect other people from his atrocity, and possibly to bring justice.  However if she's still unwilling to name the man, then that's her choice.

7)  Healing from this type of thing takes a long time, quite possibly years.  Don't except her to be better by springtime.