Future Spouses?


Guest idontknow21
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Guest idontknow21

Hello everyone.. Just want to say thanks for all the support you have given on here.  I'm a younger kid, still in HS and have overcome a P*rn addiction, and turned my life to the savior.  My repentance is a process, and I am still recieving light in little bits, but its all making a big picture.  Im becoming happy and at peace, something I had rarely felt before.  I have a quick question for anyone.  What is your opinion, on letting future spouses know of problems, such as P*rn, when I was taken at such a young age?  I feel like a new person, and stronger than ever?  I don't want girls to run, screaming, when they figure out the things I have done.  I want them to see that the repentance brought me closer to God and strengthened my testimony.

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I would not share that information on a first date and think it unnecessary to share it when casually dating. I think an appropriate time to share that information is when the relationship has become exclusive and you foresee marriage. Of course, you share what details you want when you feel promoted to, but don't overthink it and stress.

To answer your question, yes, I believe past struggles are worth mentioning to potential spouses.

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I'm on the fence about whether it's ever truly possible, in mortality, to "overcome" an addiction as opposed to being perpetually "in recovery" from the addiction--but I'm reasonably confident (as a recovering addict myself) that if "overcoming" is possible at all, it would be uncommonly rare to get to that stage while still in high school.  Good on you, if it's truly happened; but I find that an attitude of "yeah, I did it, and it's in the past, and I've repented and it's not a problem anymore" tends to set one up for a relapse.

 

I'm not big on disclosing past sins if the sole basis for doing so is some warm-fuzzy, feel-good, "my life is an open book/my partner and I share everything" philosophy.  However, certain sins have practical implications for one's future life together with one's partner, and IMHO porn addiction is one of those sins.  It's not something that needs to be disclosed to every date or girlfriend; but once marriage becomes a serious possibility (which won't happen while you're still in high school) (right?), it needs to be discussed.

Edited by Just_A_Guy
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When I was in a singles ward and dating seriously moving toward engagement and marriage my bishop counselled me to ensure that my wife and I had no secrets between us, including past addictions, if any.

 

I think it builds trust in a relationship to talk about such things, why keep secrets - and why start off an eternal relationship with secrets? On the flip side would you want to know if your partner has a history of drug use, drinking, masturbating, sleeping around, a previously aborted child; I think it is only fair to both parties that such information is not a surprise after the ceremony.

Edited by SpiritDragon
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FWIW, SpiritDragon, I think most of the sins you mention should be discussed because they do have practical, prospective consequences for a marriage--propensity towards addiction, psychological fallout from an abortion, behaviors that had resulted in disease, that kind of thing.

 

On the other hand:  At BYU, I had a prof who suggested that in his experience as a bishop/mission president, disclosure of some sins would inevitably lead to that past being used as a bludgeon during marital disagreements ("you think I'm a bad cook?  Well, you gave your virginity to someone else!") and, for that reason, he suggested making a pre-marital pact to leave the past in the past if (and only if) there truly were no lasting ramifications from those misdeeds.

Edited by Just_A_Guy
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I think it's a grave sin to withhold information from a future spouse who might decide differently on marriage had the information been revealed.  However, if you have truly turned away from your past activities in this area, then they are nobody's business except a spouse's or a future spouse's.  I certainly wouldn't add this information to an LDSPlanet profile.

 

But when you break the news, the way you frame it is important.  I would frame it as something you overcame and that you are volunteering to share with a future wife because you care about her.  Many wives struggle with their husbands' addictions in this area (or so I read).  Explaining that you stumbled in your youth but overcame it, and promising to forsake it entirely if you marry, could be very reassuring to a fiancé(e).

 

Good for you, by the way, for breaking this habit.  I come from a family of people with addictive disorders (mostly tobacco and booze) and they can destroy lives.  Addiction, thy name is Satan!

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I entirely disagree with the opinions that you need to tell your future wife. If you've overcome, you've overcome. If you haven't, then you need to share it. But if it is truly behind you, and the spirit has confirmed to you that you are clean, then it is behind you. But that is not a decision that needs to be made now. When you are considering engagement, then it will be time to make the decision of what to share and what not to. And, as with all things, follow the Spirit. It will guide you in what to do when the time is right.

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I see two problems with disclosing previous pornography use to a fiancee:

  1. Pornography is ubiquitous in our society. You literally cannot avoid it. Disclosing that you have seen porn is like disclosing that you caught a cold once. It was somewhat so when I was growing up in the 1970s, but far moreso today. And any neurologically and psychologically normal man who actually has a sex drive -- that includes little boys -- will be attracted to pictures of naked women. I doubt there is one boy in a hundred who would be self-aware enough to avoid looking at such pictures if he sees them. By definition, that makes them a "user" of porn.
     
  2. Many Mormon women look at pornography as a form of adultery. Based on what I have heard at Church and read on this very list, there are many LDS women who would prefer their fiances to have entered into a sexual relationship with a previous girlfriend than to have viewed porn. I don't understand this very weird inversion of values, but it appears to be the case.

Now, in the end, I do think that an engaged man (or one entering into a serious phase of courtship) should let his girlfriend/fiancee know if he has struggled with addictions at all, including pornography. Probably it's even wise to let her know at some point that, yes, he has seen pornography, and has had to learn to avoid it, as all men in our society must learn (or fail to learn). I absolutely do not advocate keeping secrets.

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Wow, we're all on the same page here for once. That's refreshing.

 

Some things just don't need to be talked about. I didn't run down the list with my husband of all the men I had ever dated or made stupid choices with. No purpose is served by bringing that stuff up. The only time I'd disclose something of this nature, is if my husband really wanted to know, and it strained our marriage for him not knowing. But addictions, maybe even past traumas like molestation or rape, are discussions worth bringing up with a potential spouse, as these things often leave lasting scars even if we've overcome that trial.

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Maybe the key is the degree of the problem.  If the OP had a really serious problem, such as missing work or wasting thousands of dollars because of this addiction, then I think it should be disclosed.  But if it was a more casual form of use that is comparable to what other males of his age do, and if the OP is fairly certain that it won't be an issue after marriage, then I can see the argument for letting it go without further confessions.

 

I've heard of too many cases where a husband has some problem, call it X.  The couple goes for marriage counseling, and the counselor asks the husband, "How many times have you done X?"  The wife answers "Once," and the husband corrects her by saying "Ten times."  That type of situation is very hard on the wife and should be avoided if possible.  My $0.02.

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Guest idontknow21

Thaks for the input everyone. I will worry about this more when I am the age I need to be, after I have served a mission. All I can focus on now is to never slip up, which I'm confident I can do. To the person who said its unlikely that a High School Kid can overcome this stuff, I got a little angry when I read your post. I believe I'm free, and what is important is dealing with the consequences. Whatever happens I will follow the spirit and make my decision through it. It's cool to see everyone's opinions though.

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Now, in the end, I do think that an engaged man (or one entering into a serious phase of courtship) should let his girlfriend/fiancee know if he has struggled with addictions at all, including pornography.

 

I question the view (not yours...but general) that porn viewing is addiction. I'm not denying that it can be. But I think (just based on nothing but my own thinking) that there are likely many youthful males who have delved into habitual viewing who then, with great paranoia, presume they have been "addicted".

 

I don't mean to downplay the serious nature of addiction, and certainly not the serious nature of porn viewing.

 

What I am saying is that I agree...if someone literally has an addiction, then yes...that needs to be shared. But a porn habit does not "addiction" make. The fact that a kid in high-school called it an addiction doesn't mean it was and or is.

 

edit: idontknow21--I mean no offense by calling you a "kid". I simply mean someone younger who has less life experience, and accordingly, has a relatively limited understanding of such things...something true of most HS aged folk.

Edited by The Folk Prophet
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I'm inclined to agree with you; but I'm taking the OP's description at face value.   :)

 

If you take the following at face value, it does not strike me as an addiction. :)

 

and have overcome a P*rn addiction, and turned my life to the savior.  

 

...I feel like a new person, and stronger than ever?

 

...repentance brought me closer to God and strengthened my testimony.

 

...never slip up, which I'm confident I can do.

 

I believe I'm free

 

To be fair, I'm no psychologist/psychiatrist. I don't know what does and does not literally define "addiction". But I do believe that if this person goes the next 3-10 years or however long it it is (depending on his age) through mission, college, etc., prior to his engagement never once having turned back to said behavior, and remains committed to this end, that confessing it to said potential fiancee is unnecessary.

 

I do have advice for you though idontknow21.  Your vigilance in the matter matters even at the smallest and what might seem inconsequential levels. Do not be casual with this in the slightest regard. TV shows, sex scenes in PG movies, books, bathing suits, underwear catalogs, etc, etc. Avoid them like the plague. Cross yourself in these things! (Of course, it goes without saying that other harder cable material and/or R rated materials are included).  Addiction or not, treat it like it was. Avoid anything that might trigger relapse. (To be fair, the same can be and should be said of someone who has never intentionally viewed pornography.)

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Guest idontknow21

I like your insight, Folk Prophet. One thing I noticed with my situation (everyone is different) is that shaking my habit was relatively easy ONCE I confessed and felt sorrow for what I had done... Like I said, I don't know what other people go through. But for me, I don't think its a problem that will reoccur if I give my effort in the Gospel and take the steps to heal fully.

Edited by idontknow21
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I think that I agree with TFP, some items do not need to be disclosed. when I think of porn addiction I think of an individual who is totally consumed by it to the detriment of their work/school, family life/social circles. They would rather view porn than participate in society. This qualifies as an addiction, a chemical imbalance. Much like an alcoholic. Recovery is on going and lasts a life time.

 

If this was your situation then YES you must disclose.

 

If you have viewed porn and then repented then NO absolutely not.

 

other items to be disclosed alcoholism, drug addictions, sexual abuse, physical abuse by a parent, big deal medical issues.

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If you take the following at face value, it does not strike me as an addiction. :)

 

 

To be fair, I'm no psychologist/psychiatrist. I don't know what does and does not literally define "addiction". But I do believe that if this person goes the next 3-10 years or however long it it is (depending on his age) through mission, college, etc., prior to his engagement never once having turned back to said behavior, and remains committed to this end, that confessing it to said potential fiancee is unnecessary.

 

I do have advice for you though idontknow21.  Your vigilance in the matter matters even at the smallest and what might seem inconsequential levels. Do not be casual with this in the slightest regard. TV shows, sex scenes in PG movies, books, bathing suits, underwear catalogs, etc, etc. Avoid them like the plague. Cross yourself in these things! (Of course, it goes without saying that other harder cable material and/or R rated materials are included).  Addiction or not, treat it like it was. Avoid anything that might trigger relapse. (To be fair, the same can be and should be said of someone who has never intentionally viewed pornography.)

 

 

Well, to clarify:  I was taking the OP's labeling of the problem as an "addiction" at face value.  ;)

 

And, at the risk of sounding flippant:  I could have used exactly the same terminology as you cite from the OP after--literally--hundreds of instances of porn use.  But--confound it!--relapse happened after every one of those instances except for one.  I hope and pray that what the OP describes is more genuine than my own feelings were, and it's certainly not my prerogative to pronounce that it isn't--but I think it's also important to note that the human aptitude for self-justification and self-deception, particularly in sexual matters, is profound. 

 

Personally, find more success when I do the "one-day-at-a-time" approach than when I just go with the "it's-not-a-problem-anymore" approach.  And frankly, while it's understandable that at some point one will wonder how to broach the issue of one's past with a potential partner; too much preoccupation with the "who's gonna know?" is part of a shame/isolation cycle that can eventually drive one right back to pornography.

 

I don't want to question anyone's sincerity or repentance here; but I'm hoping maybe the OP can learn from my own missteps in this arena and see how, even after repentance/recovery, certain persistent thought patterns may turn out to be counterproductive and perhaps even lead to relapse.

Edited by Just_A_Guy
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