How do people even adjust to being single again?


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Oh Man. 

This being separated stuff/ almost divorced stuff is rough. My husband told me about 5 weeks ago he wanted a divorce. We were living back East at the time while he was beginning his phd program. When he told me he didn't love me anymore and wanted to get a divorce, he also said he was quitting his phd program and moving back in with his parents until he figured out what his next step is, but he knew it wasn't going to include me we had only moved back East from Utah about 4 months earlier. 

It was an interesting situation because we actually kept living together for the next week while we packed up our house and loaded up the moving truck. I was able to talk to him more about the situation than if he just left that evening. I am not sure if it helped or not. He felt like marrying me was a mistake from the beginning, that he didn't feel like the divorce was just righting that wrong, we were married in the temple. He just doesn't have feelings for me anymore, and he hasn't for a while he said. He said that he wants a fresh start to find someone that will make him happy. He doesn't like how he is with me. (We are turning 29 in a few months). We have had some really good times, and of course some hard times as well. I never thought divorce was even on the table from my standpoint, but he has brought it up in past arguments. Our first year of marriage was REALLY hard. Whatever you want to call it, doubt, adjustment, etc. we just had trouble getting along, it is almost like it doomed us from the start as we have talked about why he wants a divorce he says that the first year was so bad and it never really improved enough to make him feel like we could last forever anyway. He wants to end it now and not be here three years from now in the same situation only 3 years older. We don't have any kids. We now live two hours apart, me on my own and him with his family. His family has been very supportive of him ending our 5 year marriage, which is so odd to me. I spend the first two weeks of the separation writing him emails, love notes, and trying to say something to help him reconsider. I have pleaded for him to consider counseling, he won't. He is not interested at all. In his mind things are over over. If he could be divorced tomorrow and never talk to me again he would be fine with that. (We can't be divorced for about two more months as in Utah you have to reside in the filing county for 3 months before). I don't know if I should give up hope on him changing his mind. It seems like with each day I wonder if he will, is there something I can do or say to have him reconsider? 

 

So now what? What do people do now? It is so weird going to church in a family ward as a almost divorced 28 year old. It is so weird sitting in an empty house alone. It is sad to cook for one person. It is sad to not have anyone ask about me day. It is so sad to sleep alone. It is hard thinking about the what ifs, the I should have..I could have..thinking about the future we won't have. It is hard to realize in only two months time we will be divorced. We don't have kids so we will just move on in our separate paths. Our five years of marriage will be over, he will just be my ex-husband that I don't see or talk to. It is like your best friend, your husband, your husband's family, etc. is all just gone. And it was not my choice, it was his. I have no say. You can't force him to reconsider or stay. People tell me it is all for the best, trials are for our good...how is breaking up my family good? How is being alone good? How is it fair that I am almost 30 and starting over, what if I don't find anyone...child bearing years are limited. How is it fair that he can marry someone younger and live happily ever after? How is it fair that he can repent of this cowardliness of leaving me and again live happily ever after? His actions affect the rest of my life. Anyone ever have these feelings...or have gone through this terrible and come out the other side? It is lonely. My family lives about 2 hours away. 

 

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The 5 stages of loss/grief are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and then Acceptance.  According to our resident Lawyer it takes about 5 years on average for a person to move through the process in the case of divorce.  You post definitively shows signs of many of them.  As much as it sucks for you personally it means you are normal, and there is a good chance you are going to be OK once you finish mourning your lost.

 

As for you husband... you think it is unfair that he is not grieving.  I would like to point out that he did... According to your post he pulled the trigger on ending your marriage about at year 1.  He went through the process while you were married.  Chances are he hung in there until he reached Acceptance... Then he filed for divorce.  You couldn't save your marriage because at the time you could have done something you did not know it was in danger.  By the time you understood the danger he had already Accepted that it was over, and you can't fight that.

 

So understand that your ex is about 5 years ahead of you in grieving the loss of your marriage.  You and him simply are not on the same page (and have not been for along time)

 

As for his future well, he still has some very big lessons to learn about how to make a marriage work. Until he learns them any future marriage is likely to suffer the same fate.  The marriage will get hard, he will distance himself and then they will get divorced.  So for his future marriage prospects I would say pity him and her... They are going to be in for a rough road.

 

As for you.  Give yourself permission to grieve.  Don't compare where he is at and what he is doing to what you are doing. That is manifestly unfair to you.  Then in time when you head begins to clear study what you did and how you responded and learn how to be better then you are now.  Take your failed marriage and turn it into an educational experience that helps you become a better person.

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As for his future well, he still has some very big lessons to learn about how to make a marriage work. Until he learns them any future marriage is likely to suffer the same fate.  The marriage will get hard, he will distance himself and then they will get divorced.  So for his future marriage prospects I would say pity him and her... They are going to be in for a rough road.

 

As for you.  Give yourself permission to grieve.  Don't compare where he is at and what he is doing to what you are doing. That is manifestly unfair to you.  Then in time when you head begins to clear study what you did and how you responded and learn how to be better then you are now.  Take your failed marriage and turn it into an educational experience that helps you become a better person.

I really like the comments above. 

 

Marriage takes a lot of sacrifice and forgiveness, and it takes both people acting that way. When there are arguments, they need to be settled by both people giving in. I wouldn't draw blame on either of you. I think you have realized what I call "the price of higher education". Be grateful for the lessons. Use the lessons when dating and deciding on another mate, and of course when re-married. I wouldn't put more effort into saving the marriage - not if he isn't working at all. You'll be the only one paying the price and you will become resentful.

 

Best wishes.

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All the advice above are great...

 

I just have one thing to add... Things always look bleaker when you are always looking inward.  Start looking outward - looking at your husband as someone you can love/serve instead of someone you can receive love/service from... if serving him means not calling him anymore because it upsets him if you do, then you would want to not call him anymore.  Look at your ward the same way - what you can do for your ward instead of what the ward does for you/makes you feel.  Look at your apartment the same way... look at everything the same way... OUTWARD - what you can do for them instead of what you can get out of it.

 

You can get a dog even... it's the perfect thing to exercise the "Getting out of yourself and pouring your whole self into serving something else" habit... you can get a cat too but one cool think about the dog is you have a good chance it will look at you with adoring eyes when you enter the door... cats just stay on the window and lick their paws :)

Edited by anatess
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I think blame for struggles in the relationship were clearly on both sides (as you have freely admitted). But the blame for breaking up the marriage is also clear, so statements implying equal blame fall entirely flat to me.

 

That being said, it isn't useful to hold onto blame or hate. Moreover, it's necessary to forgive even those who wrong us the most.

 

I have no real advice for you except to stay entirely and fiercely faithful and loyal to the gospel and the Savior. Through the Atonement you can find peace and joy again. Lose yourself in the gospel. Serve. Care about others. Temple work. Family history. Care for the poor and needy. Get up, get out, and work. (I also like anatess's get a dog idea -- but that's not for everyone and may not be practical).

 

I know words of comfort do not ring true at this point. But hold on. In spite of the fact that it doesn't feel like it, it will get better. If nothing else, time will dull the hurt. But, of course, as I've said, the only real peace you will find is through the Atonement.

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Having gone through both separation and divorce, I can relate that neither is easy, regardless of what side of the fence you sit. But it's important to understand two things: (1) No matter how much effort one party puts forth, it requires the efforts of both parties to keep a marriage. (2) There is life after divorce, and that life can be happy and healthy. Best wishes.

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I'm sorry for your pain. It will be a difficult time for some time. Give yourself that time to grieve. Avoid making big decisions and kind of ride out the storm. If there is love there, the end of the marriage might not end the love. My parents divorced many years ago and are still good friends. They love each other but are not compatible partners.

 

I love Anatess and hate the thought of disagreeing with her, but I wouldn't do the pet thing. I understand the benefits of pets, but most people underestimate the effort, commitment and cost of "owning" a pet. I consider it a big decision. It is a touchy subject and I am sure I'll be criticised by pet lovers, but please don't take it lightly.

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I love Anatess and hate the thought of disagreeing with her, but I wouldn't do the pet thing. I understand the benefits of pets, but most people underestimate the effort, commitment and cost of "owning" a pet. I consider it a big decision. It is a touchy subject and I am sure I'll be criticised by pet lovers, but please don't take it lightly.

 

WHAT???  You're in trouble, buddy!  LOL... Just kidding...

 

 

Yeah, the commitment and cost of nurturing a dog/cat is much like the commitment and cost of nurturing husbands... and kids.  Except they can't dump you.  So you shouldn't dump them.  You get to learn to deal with all the junk without expecting much in return...  ;)

Edited by anatess
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[C]ats just stay on the window and lick their paws :)

 

You left out the barfing part.

 

I think both anatess and pkstpaul are correct.  As a single man with no immediate family, I find that pets have enriched my life in ways that I cannot even begin to describe.  

 

But they are a commitment that should be carefully considered.  The SPCA in my area has a pet foster program where you can open your home temporarily to a litter of kittens or a terminally ill (but noncontagious) dog or cat.  Or you can even volunteer, as I have mentioned on other posts.  

 

But I'm getting off-topic.  divorcedat28: Change is hard and scary.  I have no way of knowing how your situation will turn out, but I can tell you that the worst way to deal with it is by withdrawing.  28 is still very young, even though it may not seem that way to you now.  You have your whole life in front of you.  If your marriage ends in divorce, wipe the slate clean and start over and focus on the future instead of the past.  It's the only way forward.  If you are faithful and positive, new options will open up to you.  Either get yourself woven deeply into your ward and find support, or think about moving closer to your family.  Happiness begins with delighting in reality and creating positive change in your life.  Those changes ain't gonna create themselves.  Wishing you well.

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