Recommend after Inactivity?


char713
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Hi, brand new here. 

 

I was raised in the church, strong family all still active. Married in the temple seven years ago, but we have both been inactive for the past 2 almost 3 years. No big crisis or loss of faith, honestly just some bad complacency and laziness, just not wanting to attend. It didn't help that we moved to Utah, have never been assigned a home teacher or visiting teacher even though we did attend for the first few weeks after moving to our new ward, and have otherwise just been ignored by everyone in our ward here.

 

I suppose the only other factor in keeping us away from church attendance is our struggle with unexplained infertility. That is the first thing that we have been asked by new people that we meet in our ward, every time we've been there on sunday, which is only once or twice every few months. Sisters have actually even been vicious toward me in Relief Society, because we have been married for several years but don't have children. It makes it harder to want to be there, for sure. 

 

Other than our inactivity though, we still completely feel like members. No word of wisdom issues, no sexual stuff, no big questions about church policies, we still keep up fairly regular scripture study and family home evenings. 

 

So... lately more and more I have been feeling like I really need to just slog through the unpleasantries of visiting church, that I just need to be properly involved again. More than anything I want to go back to attending the temple. Having not been at church regularly, we have not kept up with our tithing, but apart from that we can both answer all the recommend questions in the affirmative. 

 

My question is, what are the rules or guidelines for being able to receive a temple recommend again after inactivity? Is there a waiting period? How long should I wait before even bringing it up with our bishop, and also if anyone feels like offering advice.. how to handle those first few weeks back at church? We've gone back a few times and it is always incredibly awkward, everyone asks us if we are new and ask us to stand and introduce ourselves in Sunday School, RS, etc. Thanks. 

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Your experience is also a concern of mine as I struggle to return to the Church, so I very much appreciate your post and look forward to the comments from others.  

 

I have found that the Miss Manners approach is often very effective in situations like these: be gracious and give everyone the benefit of the doubt, but be ruthless about repeating facts.  If you're asked to reintroduce yourself, do so cheerfully by saying something like, "This is our 4th Sunday here, for those of you who have not met us yet; most other people have met us already," as you look serenely upon the person who asked you to stand and reintroduce yourself.  I guarantee you that this will put an end to reintroductions very quickly. 

 

"Vicious Sisters in Relief Society" would be a great title for my next novel, thanks.  If these vicious comments pop up, and you decide they really are vicious and not just babbling from some tongue-tied sister who is struggling to make small talk, then let them become water on a duck's back to you.  Smile wanly, pretend the comment never happened, and move on.

 

Best wishes on your return.

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It didn't help that we moved to Utah, have never been assigned a home teacher or visiting teacher even though we did attend for the first few weeks after moving to our new ward, and have otherwise just been ignored by everyone in our ward here.

 

Seems odd; half my HT victims ( ;) ) are inactives that moved to the area but never started attending locally, or came once or twice and then went inactive.

 

There's room for a few more folks here in Texas, and UHaul runs some decent specials every now and then.

 

Sisters have actually even been vicious toward me in Relief Society, because we have been married for several years but don't have children. It makes it harder to want to be there, for sure.

 

Definitely something that should be addressed with leadership.

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Thank you for the responses. So there isn't a cut and dry kind of rule for this type of situation? I guess I ought not assume that there would be. I will talk to him for sure, hopefully this week at church. It'll be my first week back since last summer.. not great but it is what it is. 

 

NightSG, funnily enough we actually would love to move to Texas. My husband works for Apple, and soon a good position opens up in the San Antonio area we're going to go for it.

 

Last summer I actually had a brief email exchange with my bishop about the women in RS who had said very pointedly hurtful things. He said he and his wife had actually gone through many years of infertility, 20+ years ago... so he was pretty understanding. He also said he's aware of these two or three sisters, they themselves have struggled with inactivity so I guess he is hesitant to address the problem too directly and asks that I try to exercise patience with them.

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Thanks for your responses, everyone. I guess I should've realized that there might not really be a hard and fast rule for this.

 

Tomorrow will be my first day back, and I will take your advice, PolarVortex, thank you. Hopefully I will be able to fade into the background and avoid the awkwardness, but I'm feeling pretty determined to stick around and keep attending regardless. Wish we had never stopped going.

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It is entirely up to the bishop and stake presidency. They may let you right in. You know what the questions are.  As long as you answer in the affirmative, they should feel compassionate toward granting the recommend. 

 

Yes, it is up to the bishop and stk pres but one of the questions is about if you attend your meetings so with a nearly 3 year absence I wouldn't expect to go waltzing right in and don't think they should either*.

 

*not that they do, this is for future readers just as much as for current

Edited by notquiteperfect
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Yes, it is up to the bishop and stk pres but one of the questions is about if you attend your meetings so with a nearly 3 year absence I wouldn't expect to go waltzing right in and don't think they should either*.

 

That is NOT a question during the interview. 

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The Church does not officially post the questions and I don't have access to a current recommend book. However, it wasn't a question at one time and three of five sources I did check didn't list the question. Regardless, it is the Bishop's discretion as to what they accept as an answer. Recommends are given to members who cannot attend meetings, so it isn't like it is a requirement.  

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The question states, "Do you strive...to attend your sacrament and other meetings...", so the word "strive" does allow for some flexibility. If someone has simply been inactive, it's fairly plain that the answer to this is no. But you're correct, the bishop/sp hold a level of discretion in the matter.

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The Church does not officially post the questions and I don't have access to a current recommend book. However, it wasn't a question at one time and three of five sources I did check didn't list the question. Regardless, it is the Bishop's discretion as to what they accept as an answer. Recommends are given to members who cannot attend meetings, so it isn't like it is a requirement.

Really ??
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Yes, recommends are given to people without ideal attendance. I believe in these cases there are extenuating circumstances. One might interpret this as "attendance not required" but that view strikes me as excuse over reality.

An interviewee might say "no, I don't attend enough meetings and here's why..." The interviewer might after consideration say "ok, I understand, you may still have a recommend".

This does not mean we can skip church willy nilly nor does it mean the question isn't asked.

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Fair enough, I will try to get an appointment with my Bishop today and see what he says. I know that the tithing thing alone is enough to make it take a while. 

 

This has gotten me thinking. It's gotta be tricky for people who are genuinely bullied, genuinely treated as if they are unwelcome to maintain worthiness enough for a recommend. I have only endured a few weeks of this, here and there, myself. In this regard I really feel sorry for people like my homosexual (but celibate) cousin, who does the best she can but some people just won't let her be. People like her are obviously much stronger that I am. Sorry, not trying to start a separate discussion here... just a tiny venting session. I hope we might be able to move soon, and that our next ward is more considerate and inclusive. And all I'm doing "wrong" is not having babies. 

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Oh I could write a whole book on hateful comments from LDS members about married couples and why they don't have children. I'm so sorry you have had to deal with such rude comments from those individuals. Thank goodness the Lord's judgment is the only one who matters. I'm sure there are tons of members who would be rallying right by your side about their infertility problems and the hurt they've felt from other members' curiosity about their personal life. To me it's almost flat out asking about a couple's sexual life. It's absolutely absurd. But I digress...

Let us know how everything went if you were able to talk to the Bishop! We're here supporting you whenever you need it. 

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  • 2 weeks later...

The best thing is to just go back to church. Talk to your bishop and work with him and the Lord. IT is hard to be single or married with no children we also want these things for some reason or reasons we can't have these righteous desires at this time and there is pain deep down inside us. I know... this you can politely tell these sisters how you feel and teach them compassion and understanding. Don't let the Imperfection of others keep you away from the best things we can get by attending church...

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P.s. and don't judge other s so harshly. Ht, vt ..even if they don't show up. I had the same hr for like ten yrs...where was he? He just inforced my low self-esteem. I'm sure he didn't know this but now he's passed and probably k now's a nd I know now that he was a busy man, worked hard for his family, for the church had his own issues and his families. Raised his kids lds by himself his wife never converted. Their both gone now I m sure his wife join ed and the family will be intact through the temple. And all ends well.....

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  • 2 weeks later...

Problem #1: You moved to Utah :P No, it's a good place I served their on my mission, but it's a special place too...

 

I do not believe it is laziness that you have not been going to church as much as you are emotionally hurt. The people there did not treat you well, and honestly I do not blame your apathetic attitude toward attending a ward where it is "discuss my infertility time." Geez...

 

Bishops normally want to see 6 months of tithing paid consecutively before reissuing a TR. Perhaps you can attend a different ward? Good luck.

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So I did finally have a meeting with my Bishop - he is still fairly new, only in the position for about two months. And it turns out he knows my dad, they served in the same mission. 

 

He was wonderfully warm and kind, asked me how I believe I came to be inactive, we talked about that for a bit. And he said that he wants to meet with me regularly for a while, and that for a recommend it is required that he sees "a pattern of faithfulness" and that we will talk more as we go. 

 

I was so nervous before the meeting, of course I had no reason to be. Phew. 

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