I honestly do not know what to do any more....

Recommended Posts

The writing was on the wall on this one before you got married.  You must have thought it was okay for her to have that much power over your relationship with your family - even your mother - and that you can handle it because you married her anyway. 


So, let's build on that.


You know this is a problem.  It is an irrational fear and to me sounds like a psychological imbalance.  It could be just a simple thing of her just realizing the irrationality and learning to gain trust or it could be as bad as a psychosis and possibly dangerous to yourself and to her if her psychosis leads her to violence.  Jane_Doe is right to ask of her history.  Because, before you can figure out what to do, you first have to understand what it is you're facing.


If there's one thing I want you to take from this post, it is this:  This is not You versus Her.  This is her mistrust/fear/irrationality/psychological imbalance/whatever this is against your marriage.  So, you will need to stay on the same team fighting the "thing" to defend your marriage rather that you fighting her to defend your marriage.  Make sense?


Okay, my next point... you cannot get as paranoid as she is and feed the irrational behavior.  You need to be strong and be able to do normal things regardless of her paranoia.  You need to establish what is normal so that she can see there is no harm in it.  So that, not smiling at Primary, not calling your mother, not talking to your female cousins... these are not normal behavior and will only serve to feed her paranoia.  Keep doing normal things (if you're starting to get confused on what is normal, you can pray and meditate, and in addition, you might want to talk to a therapist) that you know are right.  Encourage her to experience these normal things with you.  She will try to control you, manipulate you, guilt you, fight you into doing irrational things.  Stay strong and be a lighthouse in the storm.  And shower her with love and encouragement and positive things so that she will see that these things are not going to hurt both of you.


Encourage her to see a therapist for herself as well as for the both of you.


Hope this helps.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Clearly she has some major issues, but I won't get into that right now.


Something to think about is the impact of her issues not just on you, but on prospective children you have with her. Never being alone with your children, and never hugging your daughters past a certain age will not only be inconvenient and painful for you, but it will cause psychological damage to your children. Especially holding your daughters away.  I don't mean it might hurt them. It will. 


She sounds like someone I'm related to who had a traumatic childhood of abuse. To be honest, her husband's life is completely consumed by her issues, from his relationships with other people (p.s., he has an identical twin with whom he's really not "allowed' a relationship), to his career, to his ability to fill callings in the church. It's become his "job" to fix her neurosis, but he can't. 


I'd think long and hard about pursuing parenthood with this woman. Maybe even about continuing the marriage, unless she is willing to get some really intensive help with whatever is happening with her. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you for the advice, it helps and does get my mind working on some things I can do.


She DOES has a small history. She caught her father in immoral actions.


Ok, a few more questions -


1. She did not reveal this severe of behavior until AFTER we married. It surprised me at first, and so I kinda just changed myself so she would not get angry most of every day like she was the first few weeks/months of being married. She would get angry, and I prefer to have peace so I would just say "fine, just so we wont fight, here ya go". So, I know that I was wrong to just hand her control. But, how do I reverse the damage that has been now so extensivly done?


2, How do i keep peace? I hate arguing. And how angry she gets so quickly. It can roin days and days. How do I tell her. "No, that is not something I am going to do?" And keep her from threatening diverce less than 30 seconds later casue "I dont care about her or her feelings."


3. She has reasons for everything. A lot of them do not make sense. But mixed with me wanting the fight to just and and me not being very good at arguing in the firstr place, I AM starting to get confused as to what is appropriate and what is not. I find myself just straight up ignoring even my little sisters just so my wife does not find a reason to get angry. I know there are prayer and recources available to figure this out. But, how do I share my findings with her again- without equaling a marriage scarring fight?


Thanks for your help.

Link to comment
Share on other sites



I do have great fear for my childrens life. That is my major issue and cimplication in all this. Children cannot be raised by a mother with so much fear and a father who cant even associate with the females of the family. Being tucked in bed by my father was wonderful for me. Being told I have to give that up with my OWN children was what kinda pushed me into questioning.


I love her. I do. I am willing to sit through the pain of dealing with whatever issues are happening. I dont want this to fall apart. We are cealed for eternity for a reason. But kids. I dont think I could bring them into this. Which makes me question everything else...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

This sounds like she has little to no trust in men. This extreme jealousy make me wonder what her experience with her male relatives was like. What Jane_Doe stated is very relevant. You can choose to confront her about this issue now, later, or never. If you never bring up your concerns or disagreements cozy up to the strong likelihood that this behavior will be persistent. Since you are posting here find a nice minimally conflict inducing way to talk to her about these issues. Communication is needed to resolve any conflict, even if it can hurt.
You might even ask your bishop about lds family services.

I strongly recommend finding a good marriage councilor, to help mediate with any family planning, and issues. This would be a good time to bring up what proper boundaries are between you and others (such as any future children).

And if your wife does have unresolved past issues, find a competent psychiatrist, to help.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I agree with everything above.  I'd sit down with your wife, tell you think she's drawing the line incorrectly between acceptable and unacceptable behaviors, and ask her to go with you to some referee (bishop, counselor, whatever) who will give you an outside opinion.  Don't confront her with a final judgement.  Just say there seems to be a disagreement over some pretty fundamental things, and that you want the marriage to succeed and therefore these things need to be resolved.


You sound like a pleasant, rational person who is describing the situation fairly, but she might have some valid things to say about her behavior, too.  Movement forward will hinge on communication, compromise, and a willingness from both of you to change things that most other people would judge improper.  If you don't get those, it will be rough sledding, I'm afraid.  Best wishes.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Listening to one side of the story, I'd say she has issues.  Did you date and have an engagement longer than two months?  


Get counseling. 


It is normal for a spouse to be jealous - even very jealous. Couples work that our over time (years). It is normal for the angry times and your reactions sound normal. Marriage takes patience. It is normal for an immature person to say unreasonable things during times of anger, or just in stupidity. That too is worked out over time.


As for taking back control, that's just something you have to do and let her be angry and threaten divorce. Until/unless she hires a lawyer, I wouldn't back down.  Even then, the divorce "event" will cause the type of introspection I think you are looking for on her part.

Edited by sxfritz
Link to comment
Share on other sites

You've gotten some really good advice here.


I strongly suspect that you wife has something in her past that is fueling this paranoia.  Statistically, 1 in 3 girls are molested before the age of 18, and the perpetrator is most commonly a trusted male relative.  This leaves deep emotional scars which are commonly not dealt with before adulthood.  Some of these scars are lack of trust, paranoia, overly scripted 'rules' in life, and sexual problems.


The good news is, if your wife is going through this, is that counselors see it all the time and they are really good at helping people through it.  If your wife wants to admit her issues and work through them, she can be healed (though it is a long rough road).  If she does have this past but doesn't want to go to counseling, that is her choice, but odds of her healing are very small without it.  


If past abuse isn't causing your wife's behavior, I would find out what is.  For her to be so passionate about boundaries, there has to be something causing it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites



@Jane_Doe - what is the best way to go about finding a psycologist or counselor to help? Obviously she has fears of 1. Me talking to anybody. 2. Me choosing a woman to help us. I am more than willing to choose a male. But she told me is she does counseling she wants it alone and for me to not even be involved.


I would actually ask your Bishop or Relief Society President for a recommendation.  If you live in a heavy-LDS area, you can even get one that's LDS.  And of course you can select one that's female (plenty to pick from).  Many places allow you to set up meet-and-greet appointments where you can chat with the counselor to just see if you like them.  Feel free to shop around (I went to 3 before settling down).


You can of course come with, but if the appointment is to work on any sexual-abuse-issues she has, the focus needs to be on her.


I would recommend completely separate counseling for the other marriage issues.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

She did catch her father in the act of an affair. I assume this has to do ALOT with much of what she does. But I just dont know how to handle it either way...


She CAUGHT her father cheating!?  No wonder she's such a mess!! Yeah, she needs counseling.   Re-building the ability to trust after something so traumatic is horribly difficult.


You said you don't like arguing.  But that doesn't mean you have to be a door-matt and give her everything she wants cause she threatens a tantrum.  Get counseling.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

@ Jane_Doe and PolarVortex


I love the frankness. Thats why I decided to post here. Most people get very honest and frank advice. I will figure out some way to get a counselor.  You are both right. My wife has offered many many many times just to walk away from the marriage. Just leave. I got her to stay (thankfully). So you ar eboth correct. I should theb be able to do WHATEVER it takes to pick up the pieces.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Keeping up the frank note....


This is a long road ahead of you.  It will be hard.  Things will change for the better though.  There is a possibility of that "better" including a divorce.  Don't let that possibility scare you into choosing a "worse" situation.


No matter what I will not let myself have kids in this situation. That would make things worse on every level. I see what you are saying though as far as divorce being "better". That is the last thing I want. Every time I think of it I get sick. But sometimes things just have to happen. I will get a counselor. And see that you are all updated as this goes on. I will need help now and then....

Link to comment
Share on other sites

A very rough situation.  I would also suggest reading books to figure things out and I like others think something is buried in her past. Catching her father in an affair would definitely explain a lot . . . . but claims that you are a pedophile??? That's a big jump to go from distrust of marital vows to sexual abuse.


The first thing I would suggest is to absolutely under no circumstances tolerate those types of accusations.  Whenever she does that, simply get up and leave, I wouldn't say anything, except possible, "I do not appreciate you making that accusation".  If you are in the car and it is possible, get out and walk home. If she follows you out of the apartment, just keep walking. Walk for 15min. or so until you think she has cooled off and then come back.  If she does it again, walk right out again.


I wouldn't tolerate her sabotaging other family relationships either.  I'd call your mom, and other family members and have a normal relationship with them.  If she starts making accusations just leave.  Sooner or later she'll get the message, if she wants to have a conversation with you about it, she'll have to do it without making wild accusations.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.