I honestly do not know what to do any more....


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I am a little late, but I have to comment. Your wife is a LOT like my mom. The similarities are frightening. So, as a daughter of someone like that, here are my thoughts:

--Keep standing up to her. My dad either never did or stopped long ago. Thus, my mom seems to have no concept that her behaviors or accusations (including one against him and his daughter/my half-sister) are wrong. I wish he had made her go for counseling years ago. Now, she is likely too old to change her ways. I love her....she can be so sweet. But, when she has one of her fits....it is scary. Much like your wife....very much.

-- Do check into BPD and narcissism. I have wondered if my mom has either or both of those issues.

--Check into codependency yourself. You may be ok since you are standing up for yourself, but be sure you do not develop those traits. I feel that is a lot of why my dad does not fight my mom and sticks with her.

--Far as kids: This is painful to say, so I will be brief. My mom pretty much stopped allowing me to be alone with my dad after a certain age. I do not know that it was strictly enforced, but she did not approve of it. As a teenage daughter, it was hard and confusing to not be allowed to even go on errands alone with my dad. And yes, it affects, somewhat, my relationship with him now. My family is very split, and it is heartbreaking to me. I do love my mom, but a lot of the strained or absent relationships between my siblings and my parents has to do with whatever mental/personality disorders she has. It has also greatly affected the relationship between us siblings, too. I am not saying there is no hope if you want kids.....I like to think I turned out fairly ok to pretty good, myself. But, I had to learn a lot of things. Without going into too much detail, but it did cause varying issues with all of us.

I know that is vague, but I cannot give more details. I just want you to have the perspective of a child who grew up in the household of someone very similar to your wife. I love my mom....but, I wish someone had made her get help many decades ago. She has possibly softened with age, but I still see signs.

Edited by Lds24
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@Lds24

 

Thankyou for your words. They are very potent for me. They both give me hope and worry me at the same time. On one hand standing up to her feels right when I do it, and the course for going to counseling feels right as well, I hope she can overcome her issues. However, my greatest fear is not being able to be close to my children - I dont have any yet. But the fear of my wife doing what your mother did and somehow keeping me from spending time with them, is very real in my mind.

 

I also thankyou for the encouragement. Staying strong is the one thing that will make this work, I just have to be up to the task and allow the Lord to support me.

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"He chose poorly"...that was the exact thought that came to my mind after reading your situation Eli. By the way, that line is from Indiana Jones when the guy drinks out of the gold cup and melts away...but I digress.

 

You should have picked up on the signs that your wife had deep emotional and anxiety issues in your courtship and marriage. Your wife is Exhibit A on someone that has little self knowledge and big confidence issues. Why did you marry her?!?!?! Is it because you are a white knight? I think it may be... Mormon men are notoriuos for "white-knighting".

 

A "white-knighting" is when healthy men save women from a poor situation. This often is perpetuated from the example of your father, but I won't get in to all that.

 

Eli, let me perhaps give you some advice that no one else may give you. IN MY OPIONION, if I were you....you're in your first year of marriage, I would just say you either change your behavior and we get counseling and I'm out. She is not the person you thought she would be huh? And honestly she sounds crazy, and that's a strong word to use but I feel it's justified with some of her claims. If any women--let alone it be my wife--accussed me of incest or incestual thoughts with my mother or my cousins I was be let's just say...upset. Such comments could land you prision, and they are very serious if heard by someone else and it become reported.

 

DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH THIS WOMAN!! Again, do not...have a child...with...her. Do you want to go to family court for 30 years and have to pay alimony to support her lifestyle. She will want you to have a child with her because she then has power over you basically the rest of your life. Maybe it never occurred to Eli but there are a lot of deceptive, dangerous and nasty women in this world. Now that may not be her, but as I mentioned because with the incest comments...err that's cray.

 

Honestly you have no kids, she needs years of help, she shows signs of an abuser (i.e. seperating and isolating you from others; family etc.) I would leave her. "Hey this isn't work for me and you simply need more self knowledge if you want to have children, which I'm not prepared to give you." Boom. She makes immediate changes and restitution or walk.

 

Look Eli you sound like a great guy. There are tons of women single, divorced, widowed even--that would love to have a guy like you. I've never been divorced, but I know people can find joy in life after divorce. Plus think about your first next date with a nice well grounded girl and explaining on your first date, "Yeah she accused me of incest with my Mom." --"Whoa she was crazy" is how she would respond.

 

Review:

1.] Don't whiteknight.

2.] Under no circumstances have children with her unless she changes and you have spiritual confirmation.

3.] Do let her accuss and speak to you like that. (Don't be doormat like a lot of 'nice mormon boys')

4.] Open yourself emotionally that his marriage may end or continue but either way you will not go through life with anyone you treats poorly and tries to manipulate you.

 

Good luck...

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  • 3 weeks later...

Eli your posts are, in my opinion, inspirational. You are very mature, and as a youngling myelf I have a lot of respect for you. Perfect or not, you are obviously using this situation to grow and you will grow for the better. I hope your wife can manage to do the same, for both your sakes.

 

Patience is a virtue, the strongest there is, but also the hardest one in my opinion. You have made your decision, and when you do something like that, the Lord lets you know that it is right. If you feel it in your bones that this is a fight worth fighting, then by heck go all-antlers in. Don't let your patience falter. When she starts to get bad, you stand your ground. No yelling, just firm, solid eyes staring riiiiiight into her soul.

(Trust me, it's the only thing my fiance can do to get me to stop eating his macaroni)

 

That being said.... If she throws a fit anywhere near that last one.... ESPECIALLY after counseling.... ESPECIALLY dragging her family into it... Boy, it ain't gonna be pretty....

My first boyfriend was very abusive. I didn't really realize it because I was just a kid, and didnt really know what normal was. It caused quite a few issues with who I was able to trust later on, and stalled a good bit of my personal growth. Literal years spent repairing what was broke. Don't let that be you. Help her, fight for her, but please by all means don't let her destroy you.

 

Prayer, hope, and luck to you sir. You're fighting the good fight. Just fight it for the right reasons.

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Now - the problem that I am having. I find myself confused. Lost. Getting very frustrated at things. Something happens that usually would have caused her to rage against me. So I automatically get angry as a defense, later to find I am attacking and she is perfectly fine. Happy even. I am STRUGGLING handling a happy wife.... O_o what is wrong with me?

 

 

Nothing is wrong with your per say...  You have built habits to protect/respond to you wives prior behavior.  With the change in your wives behavior your habits and responses are now out of order and you need to break/reset them.  Expect it to take about as long to reset as it took to set them in the first place.

 

When you know that your reactions are going to be out of line you need to force yourself to stop, think, and then choose how to act.  As you do so you will build new reactions.  Therapy can help with this too.  As your wife steps up to be better you will need to follow with stepping up as well at a minimum.. Although with signs that your wife is trying it might be a good idea to do more then follow.

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Kayvex,

 

Thank you for your words. Your perspective is refreshing and uplifting.

 

I suppose you, and others here that have kept track of my story from the beginning need an update. It has been two weeks from my wife`s return from her vacation after all.

 

She is...changed.

 

In a good way, but in a way that I am finding hard to deal with. So much so that -I- am now the one that seems to get frustrated at everything.

 

She no longer gets mad. Instead I just get biting comments every once in a while. She rarely yells. Instead she smiles and hugs me. Just last night we got in a little fight, and she softly pushed me out a door with her foot just because I wouldnt leave. No hitting. No screaming. No stabbing things. No packing her bags.

 

The strangest thing - she is not scared of the women in my life. She didnt blink and eye when my smallest sister hugged me over 8 times on sunday. And when the oldest (just below myself) hugged me for a good 60 seconds (she was crying for various reasons). My wife is also planning a game night with my female cousins.

 

I know its only a few weeks - and change takes longer. But I can see she is trying. Very hard. I have gotten angry enough at times with various frustration that it usually would push her to the edge of an explosion. Yesterday she smiled at me. SMILED AT ME. And told me she loved me until I calmed down.

 

We are still going to counseling. We are still waiting for children. So those of you who worry im just going to go back on those things just cause things are ok. Know that I am sticking with it. First counseling session is next week. Werent able to get one sooner.

 

Now - the problem that I am having. I find myself confused. Lost. Getting very frustrated at things. Something happens that usually would have caused her to rage against me. So I automatically get angry as a defense, later to find I am attacking and she is perfectly fine. Happy even. I am STRUGGLING handling a happy wife.... O_o what is wrong with me?

 

This makes me happy I got up this morning.

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Now - the problem that I am having. I find myself confused. Lost. Getting very frustrated at things. Something happens that usually would have caused her to rage against me. So I automatically get angry as a defense, later to find I am attacking and she is perfectly fine. Happy even. I am STRUGGLING handling a happy wife.... O_o what is wrong with me?

 

If I were in your position, I think I would tell my wife something like:

 

I am very happy that you're making such an effort in our behalf. But it leaves me feeling a little lost, and it will take two or three weeks for me to figure out the new dynamics going on here. Please be patient with me while I find my way. And by the way, thanks again for loving us enough to try so hard. I'm working to match the effort.

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I am very happy that you're making such an effort in our behalf. But it leaves me feeling a little lost, and it will take two or three weeks for me to figure out the new dynamics going on here. Please be patient with me while I find my way. And by the way, thanks again for loving us enough to try so hard. I'm working to match the effort.

 

This is exactly what I need to do. She is beginning to be frustrated with me and losing her desire. :/ She thinks I dont want to stay married. I just dont know how to react to something so different from that used to happen every single day. Thank you for the advice.

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This is exactly what I need to do. She is beginning to be frustrated with me and losing her desire. :/ She thinks I dont want to stay married. I just dont know how to react to something so different from that used to happen every single day. Thank you for the advice.

 

Then either she's legitimately changed and frustrated that you haven't fully accepted that yet, or she's getting tired of faking it.  You need to find out which before you take any major action.

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  • 3 weeks later...

This is rough. Really good advice on here so far. I have very little of value to add except this: My mother has BPD. She was abused by multiple people, which certainly played a part in her crazy. Being raised by her was difficult and I carry some serious long term issues as a result, which do negatively affect my marriage, my health, my self-esteem and my ability to make close friends. My parents had many rough years, permanent damage has been done to all the kids witnessing the worst of it (such as breaking dishes, furniture and abuse- physical, emotional and verbal). But MANY years of work, dedication by BOTH my mom and my dad to heal, as well as shared faith helped them figure some things out. My mom has worked through lots of her issues. Not all, but it's an amazing improvement. She's like a different person now. Both of my parents are, my dad is certainly is not without fault. They needed each other (and the gospel) to become the people they are now. They are a story of success!

I guess what I'm saying is this: If you want to protect your kids and be the father you want to be I would say work this out now or start a family with someone else. However, if she is willing to work through this with you as an equal partner she may learn how to trust you and some of these really scary issues might go away.

I'm not saying mental illness is a good reason to abandon marriage (I have PTSD and I'm glad my husband didn't leave me), but sometimes it is the best solution. No one should have to fight for marriage alone. No one should have to suffer abuse. If she is unwilling to help herself and help her marriage then I vote for finding someone who will.

Please don't bring kids into this mess until you make some headway. Seek counseling, spiritual and psychological. If she needs solo counseling I know there are social workers who charge on a sliding scale for better affordability.

I'm not officially advocating for or against divorce because I'm in no place to do so. Only you can know which path is the right one. But I agree with everyone else, no kids. You haven't tried everything yet so all is not lost!

Good luck.

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call a lawyer, plan your exit. 

 

I admit. I find myself thinking this every time im told I am hated as well. But every time. I feel so wrong even thinking it. How can I claim I love somebody so much to bind myself to her for eternity. Think consider separating from her. You know?

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I admit. I find myself thinking this every time im told I am hated as well. But every time. I feel so wrong even thinking it. How can I claim I love somebody so much to bind myself to her for eternity. Think consider separating from her. You know?

 

 

Because you human and you can make mistakes...  Because you are human and sometimes we learn what we really need to do by making a huge mess of things by doing the wrong thing first...  Because marriage takes two to work but only one person to break it.

 

You need to know the Lord's will for you in this matter and hold on to it with both hands... No one here can tell you what that is.  We can only try to help with words and hope and pray that things will go well for you

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