The wandering eyed husband....


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My husband and I have been married for 10 years, we have 3 kids and honestly I think we have a great marriage and life. We are intimate most nights of the week and both serve each other. I feel like my husband is attracted to me and me to him. I dress cute, wear make up, wear lingerie like once a week and have not let myself go or anything. We were married in the temple. I served a mission but my husband did not because he had issues with immorality. We have discussed very little about this because he has repented but maybe this causes me a little bit of a trust issue not knowing much about it and having unanswered questions I am afraid to bring up? Since we have been married he has served in many leadership callings, been a great dad, husband etc.

 

The last couple months I have had friends confide in me about their husbands porn/affair addictions etc. and it made me think about it more. Should I trust my good husband so much? I started to wonder and checked emails, histories, texts, etc. but really didn't find much. I also started to watch him and his eyes. I had done this a little in the past but I really started to watch his eyes...at church, in public, at the beach, etc. It has left me feeling worthless, unattractive, not enough, untrusting and just sick to my stomach. I feel like I don't trust him by the way i see him check other women out. He does it very secretively so I don't think anyone would really notice but it really has hurt me deeply. I noticed that he had looked at the same women 4+ times so I decided to talk to him about it and he became defensive about it and said it was nothing. I was making a big deal about nothing. He said it was normal to notice attractive women and that he wasn't lusting at all. I am just struggling to trust that he does not lust about her in his mind when he kept looking at her over and over again. He would turn his head as she would walk by. Is this wrong of me not to trust his thoughts? I try to sometimes bring it up so talk about it so I can find some kind of peace with this but he shuts down whenever I bring it up. I try to do it in a humble loving way so he will not feel defensive but he still acts that way. 

 

So how do I move past this and trust again?  How should I go about this in communicating with my husband about this. I still need to talk about it to find healing but he shuts down and that makes me think he is hiding things from me. Where to go from here? Should I let it go? Let him worry about his eyes and thoughts or should i try to talk to him about it and be open with my feelings? 

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So... I have a very unconventional view of this.  I married a model who likes two things in equal measure - fashion (boy or girl) and football.  He goes to a football game and checks out the cheerleaders.  Or he would go to the mall and notice the fashionable and pretty women passing by.  He was my friend for 2 years before he asked me to marry him, so I had 2 years to figure this thing out... and what I concluded was - he looks at women the same way I look at house decorations at Open House (my favorite weekend activity - going on brand new Open Houses to drool over the staging décor).  He admires them.  He doesn't want to have sex with them.

 

TRUST is a very important part of marriage.  So, I made sure before I married him that I can put my entire TRUST on him.  And I do.  Completely.  So that, even if I chanced upon him having lunch with a pretty girl, I don't automatically think - ohh, he's cheating in his heart even if not actually cheating... that is just so hurtful to our marriage!  Instead, I think - must be a workmate, a friend, a new acquaintance he found something in common... and let it be.  Or, he is 2 hours late from coming home... I don't automatically think - ohh, he's cheating!  And go sneak on his phones and GPS and emails... that is very hurtful to the marriage!  Instead, I ask him - what took you long?  And he tells me all about it because he CAN TRUST that he can tell me anything and my love/respect will not change.

 

So, you're saying... but, but, but... what if he was REALLY cheating and he's just hiding it from me?  Okay, so I know my husband pretty well.  I know that he can watch football and ignore me for 3 hours.  But I also know he loves hanging out with me and our children - going to the movies, beach, mall, etc.  He likes talking about his work to me, talking about his calling, talking about sports, etc.  He has his things he likes to do in the house - his chores versus my chores.  He has his things he shows he's thinking about me - he can't pass by a shoe in the store he knows I will look good in and not take a picture to send it to me and ask me "You want it?"... he goes to Home Depot to get a weed wacker fixed and comes home with an orchid.  He takes the boys out on boys-quality-time where they do things they like to do that I don't care for (like camping and such).  And just the everyday things that makes me very comfortable in the marriage.

 

Because... if you're looking for suspicions - it will eat you up and make you suspicious of everything so that even very innocent stuff becomes tainted with suspicion.  And that will make him feel nervous and insecure about his place in the marriage.  And... that will make him CLAM UP and not tell you anything for fear you will take it wrong or be accused (regardless of whether he is guilty or innocent).  You may not verbally vocalize these suspicions but the non-verbal messages is very strong - that feeling of unease in the marriage and in the home.  Even little babies can feel it!  And that... is the straight road to marriage hell. 

 

So... what I do - I work on myself to get me closer to Christ as I can.  I don't expect my husband to be perfect.  If he has any weaknesses - say, I find out he has problems with lustful thoughts with women or something - then we can work on it together.  I can help him get over it and help him get closer to Christ.  That is my vow, my pledge, in our marriage covenant.  That I will help him in every way I know how to get him closer to Christ.  So that, he knows he can tell me anything, confide in me, ask for my help, bare his soul to me, and I will always be there by his side all the days of our lives.  And I can do the same for him.

 

If I'm in your shoes and I can't help but feel suspicious of everything (confidence issues) - I tell my husband... I HAVE A PROBLEM.  I need you to help me.  I don't feel secure in our marriage.  Instead of going - "Did you just look at that woman 500 times???" (accusatory instead of a problem that needs solving).

 

Because, at the end of the day - you should be a team and be on the same side.  This is not a problem with him on one side of the fence and you on the other side... fighting each other.  This should be a problem with both of you on one side of the fence and "the problem - trust issues" on the other side of the fence that both of you are working together to try to vanquish.

 

Hope this helps.

Edited by anatess
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From a man's perspective...

 

Certain behaviors are hardwired into the human brain.  One is movement.  Show me a computer screen with thousands of dots, and it will take me a long time to find one dot that has a different color from all the others.  But if you start jiggling the dot, my eye will find it in about one-tenth of a second.  That's why there's so much movement in advertising.

 

Similarly, human eyes are hardwired to notice certain things, and those things differ by gender.  If you're a woman and you want to understand what it's like to be a man, think about how you would notice babies as you go through your day.  If you see a baby on the street or in the grocery store your eyes are pulled directly to them and they are very, very interesting.  I have heard that women respond to images of babies the same way men respond to images of women.  The images are very interesting and your eyes are pulled toward them automatically before you even know what you are doing.

 

Obviously you can take this too far, and if your husband is leering and drooling then I'd say you have a problem.  But a simple wandering eye?  Par for the course.

 

And... if I may say this politely and constructively... if there are trust issues in your marriage, they might pertain more to the privacy of emails, texts, and browser histories.   

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I am a newlywed, so my opinion may not weigh much. But I do have quite a bit of experience in what is going on here. From the reverse side.

 

I am the type of guy who will go into a room and survey everything. I look at all the peoples, see who is in the room, male or female. I will look at everybody. If a girl speaks in class, I look at her, same with a guy. And if a person walks behind me or I see something out of the corner of my eye, I look to see what is going on.

 

At first, my wife was fine with these types of things. But after we got married her worries started to take the better of her. It got to the point where I would look up from our shopping cart at wal-mart, and the next thing I knew I was being accused of looking at some girl that I didnt even know was in my line of site. In fact, last night I was looking at soup cans, and I found myself being accused of looking at something (24 hours later I still have no idea what I was supposed to be looking at).

 

I also have been accused to wanting sexual things when I HAVE looked at a girl and admitted it. Allow me to explain what I mean - At wal-mart. I was looking at popcorn, a woman about my age comes and says excuse me, I turn and look at her to make sure I step aside to let her pass. The next thing I know I am being told I wanted this woman. - Then at a restaurant this girl - again my age - was cleaning around my table, I kept looking to make sure my chair was not in her way, and again, because I looked multiple times, I had to deal with a bit of anger from my wife. However, I do the same thing with men my age or not. And older women. And my wife pays no mind.

 

My wife IS DOING much better these days. Her anger is not as big as it was a few weeks ago. She is working very hard to change how worried she gets about things. Building trust in me as her husband. However, the reason why I point out these examples, is because the worry was not helping. In fact things got so bad that divorce became a very real option. I know you will probably never go as far as my wife has in the past. But accusations and worry really build nothing.

 

Wondering and worry and being safe is fine.Even healthy at times. We are born with ability to protect oursleves from emotional and physical harm. But when you worry so much it starts eating you - and it starts to eat the relationship. Dont let this consume you, it wont help.

 

However, if it is something that bothers you so deeply. A great place to open up is in the celestial room, pray about this, but you can also talk to your husband about things there. It helped my wife and I in recent weeks.

 

The biggest thing to build though - is trust. The biggest problems in my infant marriage has been caused because trust issues between my wife and I. I believe trust is something you have to continue building as well. It can be lost or built constantly.

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happywife81....  Clearly your short post can't cover everything.  But you have given us nothing that justify a lack of trust in your husband.  You appear to have let your friends problems poison your heart about your healthy relationship.  Repent or you run the risk of destroy a good and happy marriage

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You should be comfortable discussing it with him without doing it in accusing manner or creating an argument. It doesn't me he won't be offended or take it wrong, but you have a right to raise the issue. If you marriage is strong, he'll adjust his behavior to be less conspicious about his wandering eyes.  I don't think you can get a man to not have wandering eyes, but you can ask him to not make you feel uncomfortable in certain circumstances.

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Being married doesn't mean you can't admire the looks of someone from the opposite sex.  Being married doesn't automatically put blinders on you.  

 

Or, as a friend of mine tells his wife, "Just because I'm on a diet doesn't mean I can't look at the menu."  (But I don't think comments like that are helpful to a solid marriage.)

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Well, dear, you can't base your husband's fidelity on the experience of your friends and their husbands. Just because Susan's husband cheated doesn't mean yours is. Paranoia is unhealthy and destructive to a good marriage. If he repented of his no-mission problem, be done with it.

 

As for the wandering eye, there is a big difference between the aforementioned leering and drooling and a man noticing an attractive woman.

 

And for goodness's sake, stop going through his things.

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I truly wish you the best OP. But I wanted to make sure I understood.  

 

Your husband had immorality issues before you got married. You were okay with that and were married. 

 

You don't have any complaints about him as a husband, father, lover...etc. He is faithful to you, to his callings, to his covenants. 

 

You hear that your friends husbands look at porn and Bam...Now, because of his past, you distrust your husband enough to dig through his things (because he had immorality issues prior to your marriage ) and find nothing alarming. You watch his every move and even track his eye movement to find something alarming. Since now you have finally nailed him, you confront him and now your distrust is worse than ever?

 

In no way am I saying that this isn't real to you. And I also understand that it is impossible for you to note down the complete story of your relationship. But from what I read, you wanted to find a problem so bad that you now have created one. 

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I missed the part about her checking in his things. Way wrong, unless you think he's a murderer or something. I learned from a story a friend told me when I was just a child. He talked about how his aunt would look for dust bunnies in his parents house and then complain about what a bad house keeper his mother was. His father's response - "people will only find what they are looking for." So true.

 

My thing is "never ask questions I don't want to know the answers to."

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This. This this this!

 

I dont mind my wife looking through my things. But it does not help build us. She does this constantly.

 

 

I missed the part about her checking in his things. Way wrong, unless you think he's a murderer or something. I learned from a story a friend told me when I was just a child. He talked about how his aunt would look for dust bunnies in his parents house and then complain about what a bad house keeper his mother was. His father's response - "people will only find what they are looking for." So true.

 

My thing is "never ask questions I don't want to know the answers to."

 

Ohhh, yeah... My husband has no problem with me going through his things either but I don't unless I'm looking for something - like a receipt for this thing I need to return to Target (happened just now).

 

The thing is - if you FEEL the need to go through his things to do a "gotcha!", the problem is already present and no amount of didn't find a "gotcha" is going to solve the problem... and no amount of "See! I knew it! Gotcha!" is going to help you with your marriage.

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If you're a woman and you want to understand what it's like to be a man, think about how you would notice babies as you go through your day. If you see a baby on the street or in the grocery store your eyes are pulled directly to them and they are very, very interesting.  I have heard that women respond to images of babies the same way men respond to images of women.

  

 

Not all.

Just needed to say that because I get really tired of being put in the same 'love babies' box and people perpetuating the idea that every woman belongs in it.

As for the op - you've gotten great feedback already.

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Not all.

Just needed to say that because I get really tired of being put in the same 'love babies' box and people perpetuating the idea that every woman belongs in it.

As for the op - you've gotten great feedback already.

I always assume when a group is put in a box it is meant in a general sense not in an every-single-individual-in-this-group sense. Obviously some men don't enjoy looking at women at all, and just as obviously most men do. Just like, at least in my experience, most women *are* suckers for babies. I have weekdays off so I often end up running errands with my 18 month old, I, okay he, sure does get a lot of attention when he is with me. I expect some buck this trend.

Besides I'd rather be in a baby loving box than the boxes we men get put into. Most of them are not nearly as flattering.

As for the op, as a man I can vouch for the fact that we can look and not lust. I've caught myself many times, I can't vouch for wether my wife has ever noticed, she has never brought that to my attention. The fact that you had to look for it makes me believe his looking isn't the lusting kind, it's probably just the noticing something kind.

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Very well, not all.  But enough to keep my point valid, I think.

 

Yes, it's valid.  Not only in the US, but also in Asia... and yes, of course, it's a broad brush generalization in the same way that men are broad brush generalized as liking sports and gays are broad brush generalized as having a good eye for fashion...

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Guest MormonGator

It's the male nature to look at/admire beautiful women. It's biological. The sexual instinct, while powerful in women, isn't as driven by sight. Yes, that's a generality, but it's also why they have beer commercials with beautiful women and commercials with products geared towards women don't usually have male models in them. Yes, you can find exceptions (is anyone else tired of people going by the exceptions and not the rule? but it is generally correct. 

 

There is a big difference between a glance at an attractive female and making a big scene about it. 

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I have very much appreciated the feedback given and much of it really has helped me put this in perspective. Today as I have pieced together my thoughts and feelings, I really think my lack of trust does not come from his experiences with immorality before we were married. When I met him he had repented and was clean and temple worthy and has been a worthy priesthood holder throughout our marriage. I have a few questions about the past but I liked how pkstpaul said "never ask questions I don't want to know the answers to." and I do think knowing the who, what, where, when of his past would only be hurtful for me and would not benefit our marriage. I think what has started my lack of trust was nothing to do with my husband but more to do with the women in my ward openly talking about their husband porn addictions and a couple husband's had affairs. They have talked about having no idea and being caught off guard when they found out and this has cause me to become overly emotional and paranoid about porn/other women, etc especially because my friends are very beautiful women themselves. This is the foundation of the issue which has nothing to do with my husband and his choices and I know it is unfair of me but it does feel very threatening in the current world we live in and the statistics. I don't want to be always checking texts, histories, emails, etc and be that kind of wife. What kind of marriage is that, right?...but I was very happy when I didn't find anything. But this lack of trust did lead me to be more watchful of his eyes and has left me feeling very hurt. His defensiveness and closed attitude towards it especially when I bring up the women I saw him checking out many times has been hard to know what to do with. I am paranoid at church and am always thinking in my mind where he is and where she is. Always watching his eyes. I don't want to be this paranoid annoying wife so I am trying to bottle it up in my mind but I just want to have an open discussion with him but he shuts me out whenever I bring it up. I honestly am not worried about an affair but more just him checking her out and thinking about her in an inappropriate way. How do I let this go, find peace, openly communicate on this topic, and move on? As a women is it just something I need to learn to accept that my husband will look at other women? I am having a hard time understanding where the line is between sin and the temptation. Is the sin checking out other women or only acting on it? To me "noticing" an attractive person is done more in peripheral vision for a quick second and then turning away. I think the "looking upon someone to lust after them" is when you continue to look, turn your head and look for longer periods of time. Am this being controlling asking him to keep his eyes only towards me? How can I move past this? 

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Frankly, I'm appalled at your friends' behavior. What kind of woman reveals to her friends her husband's struggles with something like pornography?

 

This is a betrayal of the marriage covenant, and in my opinion it shows what kind of people your friends are. You should ignore anything they say, and not give their concerns another passing thought. You and your husband are happy. Stay that way.

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Frankly, I'm appalled at your friends' behavior. What kind of woman reveals to her friends her husband's struggles with something like pornography?

 

This is a betrayal of the marriage covenant, and in my opinion it shows what kind of people your friends are. 

 

We have moved around a bit and have been in many wards in which I have always made close friends and something I have learned is that most women talk about their marriage struggles openly. Details about their husbands/ their sex life/ etc. This is not right but I do see it as being more common.  My husband says his friends NEVER talk about marriage or issues.... only sports, guns, etc:)

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