The wandering eyed husband....


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A man will naturally notice the anatomy of an attractive woman.

 

This has been observed often throughout this thread, but I think it's worth pointing out that a man (even heterosexual men!) will also naturally notice the anatomy of a man. My line of work requires me to learn how to treat you sheeple like cattle. When it comes to "heatmaps" (showing where the eyes naturally wander most (using the example of news sites and other online sources)) men's eyes look at the "endowments" of women and men (I risk awaking dash77 with such comments). So if it's any consolation, a man who doesn't control his wandering eyes is probably also staring an man-crotch a lot too.

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 So if it's any consolation, a man who doesn't control his wandering eyes is probably also staring an man-crotch a lot too.

 

One hopes that this fact is comforting to the OP.

 

You're right, I notice other men a lot, too.  But deep down I'm thinking, "Why can't I look that good?" instead of "I wonder if this person is married."

Edited by PolarVortex
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I decided to write him a letter about everything I was feeling and I think it went over well. I think this really gave him time to think and process what I was feeling and why I was hurt and also to have time to respond. I thought he was going to come and talk to me about it but yesterday we just texted back and forth all day. Although not my favorite communication method I think it worked so we could both think before we text and no respond with quick emotion....

 

His thoughts....he doesn't seek to look at any other women through the internet or at church but he did say he has a hard time not noticing other attractive women if they walk by. He says it kind of feels like it is subconsciously done but knows he can control it more by actively paying attention to not looking. He was open and said he did find the other lady at church attractive and knew he probably was looking too much but he said if his mind ever starts to wander during sex or other times that he tries to bring his thoughts back to me.

 

Then he used an analogy with his truck (men lol).....he said....I study for a long time and purchase the truck of my dreams....i take good care of it and if something breaks or needs a tune up I fix it right away.....I love my truck everyday. I feel proud driving around in my truck. Then he said sometimes he will see a nice car and admire the car....but he said he doesn't look under the hood, doesn't see what kind of motor it has, doesn't compare his truck to the car....just admires the car but knows he really doesn't want a car because he loves his truck and has invested so much into his truck and knows overtime the worth of an old antique truck is priceless but yes he did look at the car. 

 

Anyway, I think texting worked better in this situation to give him time to respond and not just become defensive. I really was grateful for his open honesty and he said he will work on it.

 

As for me I need to work on not letting this steal away my joy. The other day we were at the beach...we live in CA...and the first 10 minutes I was watching to see all the girls he was looking at. It was really hurting me and I wanted to cry....he had no idea that I was seeing him do this but then I noticed I was letting this steal my joy away so the rest of the time I just enjoyed my kids and didn't pay attention to his eyes. Ignorant bliss I guess but when i stopped looking it was like I had to emotionally disconnect from him in order to let it go and I don't want that in our marriage. To emotionally disconnect. I am going to pray for understanding, compassion for my husbands weaknesses and also for be more prayerful for help with my own weaknesses of feeling insecure and not being as trusting of him as I should be. 

 

Thank you for all the input! 

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So I have a question for husbands......how can I help him? should I? or should I let it be between him and God? If I notice him checking out a women a few times should I say anything? Let it go? Talk about it later? I don't want to be a nagging wife about this but once I see it, it is difficult for me to move on in my mind. I keeping thinking of him looking at the person and it makes me feel inadequate and hurt. Any advise would be helpful. 

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Of course I'm not a man or husband but, IMO, I think that bringing it to his attention was probably the right thing to do.  He is now aware of it, while as before, he may not have even really been truly conscious about what he was doing.  Now, he can work on improving himself.

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So I have a question for husbands......how can I help him? should I? or should I let it be between him and God? If I notice him checking out a women a few times should I say anything? Let it go? Talk about it later? I don't want to be a nagging wife about this but once I see it, it is difficult for me to move on in my mind. I keeping thinking of him looking at the person and it makes me feel inadequate and hurt. Any advise would be helpful. 

 

 

You are asking the wrong people...  That is a question you need to ask of him... and then respect his answer.

 

As JAG pointed out earlier it is not your job to be his nanny.  If you take it upon yourself to do this unilaterally you are telling him that you don't trust him, that you do not respect him.

 

Whereas if you ask him he might say yes and if he does then you are acting as a partner and helpmet rather then as a nanny.  If he says no then you need to respect that and work on moving on in your own mind.  As someone stated earlier a good chunk of all your drama is of your own making and you need to learn to control your thoughts more then your husband needs to learn to control his (based on what you have posted here)

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So I have a question for husbands......how can I help him? should I? or should I let it be between him and God? If I notice him checking out a women a few times should I say anything? Let it go? Talk about it later? I don't want to be a nagging wife about this but once I see it, it is difficult for me to move on in my mind. I keeping thinking of him looking at the person and it makes me feel inadequate and hurt. Any advise would be helpful. 

 

You are better off asking the question... HOW CAN I HELP MYSELF?  Because, honestly, right now... the problem is not him, it's you.

 

IT'S OKAY TO LOOK!  It doesn't make you less desirable.  You're jealous.  Jealousy is going to end your marriage if you let it.  So... figure out how you can CONCENTRATE on the good things he does instead of the "looking" that he does.  So you can start realizing how good you have it... because if you don't start thanking God for your many blessings instead of feeling inadequate, you will lose EVERYTHING that you do have.

 

Sorry for the emphatic sentences.  You need some emphasis so you don't derail your marriage.

Edited by anatess
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So I have a question for husbands......how can I help him? should I? or should I let it be between him and God? If I notice him checking out a women a few times should I say anything? Let it go? Talk about it later? I don't want to be a nagging wife about this but once I see it, it is difficult for me to move on in my mind. I keeping thinking of him looking at the person and it makes me feel inadequate and hurt. Any advise would be helpful. 

 

Looking at attractive people is NORMAL - and this goes for both sexes. We all look at pretty things, and pretty people - both male and female. I think that women look at women just as much, if not more than men look at women - we admire other women's hair, figures, fashion sense and confidence  - doesn't mean we want to sleep with them. If I see a handsome man (even if he makes me go 'phwarrr!', that doesn't mean I'm lusting after him, it just means I think he's good-looking. If my husband looks at other women, I could not care less.  Because the fact is, as others here have pointed out - if he wanted to be with another woman - he would be.  If I wanted to be with another man - I would be.

 

We all just need to stop being weird and paranoid about glancing (even more than once) at someone beautiful that walks by. We admire landscapes, cute animals, shiny objects - and people who either by nature or intent - are noticeable. It's not a big deal.  There will always be people who are prettier, sexier, smarter and whatever-er than us, and you know what - we may also be that person to someone else. The pretty girl down the road is lovely - if my husband thinks so, that's ok - because at the end of the day, I know that when it comes to his love and devotion in a committed relationship - it's me he wants.

 

So to me, there you are with a husband who is a member of the church (mine isn't), and you have sex five times a week (all I can say is, lucky you), and he's openly communicating with you on this issue (lucky again) - from the outside looking in from my internet screen I'm already thinking you've got it pretty good.  Be grateful for what you have - enjoy your marriage and don't let being clingy, needy and insecure drive a wedge in your relationship.

 

I've been in a relationship where the guy was as paranoid as they come - I'd glance out the window of the car and be accused of lusting after someone I hadn't even seen. It became suffocating and annoying, and it all stemmed from his own personal insecurities about his body and sex. In fact, I discovered this person had a pile of pornography stashed away that made him feel guilty (for his own immorality) and suspicious of all women (in his eyes so many women were willing to be sex objects in pornography, so no women could be trusted because deep down we are all Jezebels).  Finally I broke free of him - even now it makes my skin crawl to think of how controlling he tried to be about even where my eyes were looking.  Having someone make you feel guilty about your every movement or glance is not conducive to a healthy relationship.  It's stifling and downright unattractive.

 

The fact is that to some extent we all look - it doesn't lessen YOUR worth that there are other beautiful women in the world. You are no less beautiful and desirable just because others are beautiful and desirable too.  The sooner we as women (collectively) accept that we are good enough just as we are - the better! 

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Despite popular opinion, men are very different. I have never been a woman-watcher; I never really checked out any women except those I was interested in. Only on very rare occasions have I been so stunned by a woman's appearance that I gawk at her. (Happened one time on my mission, when I was traveling alone by train and shared a cabin with a young woman. But I tried to be discreet. :) ) As a result, I have no insights into what, if anything, you should tell your husband.

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Despite popular opinion, men are very different. I have never been a woman-watcher; I never really checked out any women except those I was interested in. Only on very rare occasions have I been so stunned by a woman's appearance that I gawk at her. (Happened one time on my mission, when I was traveling alone by train and shared a cabin with a young woman. But I tried to be discreet. :) ) As a result, I have no insights into what, if anything, you should tell your husband.

 

Since you married your husband and not Vort... you may tell your husband what I tell my husband because he's more like your husband than Vort.

 

;)

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Happened one time on my mission, when I was traveling alone by train and shared a cabin with a young woman...

 

God forbid that I should fact-check anyone here, but I thought missionaries had to travel in pairs or groups and be within sight and sound of each other.  Was your companion riding in an overhead suitcase or something?  I suppose that would save the cost of a train ticket.

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God forbid that I should fact-check anyone here, but I thought missionaries had to travel in pairs or groups and be within sight and sound of each other.  Was your companion riding in an overhead suitcase or something?  I suppose that would save the cost of a train ticket.

 

As a cost saving measure, it was common to send missionaries alone on trains in Ukraine before I got there.  Owing to many stories of advances made toward missionaries, the mission eventually decided to spend the extra money to always send two missionaries together...and usually buy out the other two bunks in the cabin as well.  

 

So, long story short, there are exceptions to the pairs rule.

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God forbid that I should fact-check anyone here, but I thought missionaries had to travel in pairs or groups and be within sight and sound of each other.  Was your companion riding in an overhead suitcase or something?  I suppose that would save the cost of a train ticket.

 

As MOE points out, there are occasional exceptions. I can't speak to how things are done today, but in the early-to-mid-80s, Italian missionaries were routinely transferred alone by train (and overnight by boat, to and from Sardinia).

 

The "cabin" I referred to was not a sleeping cabin (!!!), but just a place you sat. I sat facing the young woman, and while she was beautiful, it was her eyes and her mouth that were captivating. Her lips and teeth were exquisite; it was the only time on my mission that I really wanted to kiss a girl I saw. It was quite hard for me to check out her eyes or other facial parts without her seeing me, so I had to make do with occasional glances. I wanted to talk to her about missionary stuff, which of course would have given me the perfect opportunity to look into her eyes for a couple of hours while watching her talk to me. But sadly, I didn't speak Italian at all well at that point, so the conversation would have lagged a bit.

Edited by Vort
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I see.  I wasn't doubting your story, but when I dealt with the missionaries in Virginia in the 1990s they were just one step below Siamese twins.  One bitterly cold snowy night they realized that they had left something in their car, and they both went out to fetch it.  As they both put their coats on, I told them I could be trusted for ninety seconds alone with one of then, but they said they had to follow the rules.

 

Yes, that must be difficult in the early stages of one's mission.  I once heard a podcast about missionaries in Russia.  They had just spent a few short months in language study at the MTC and could barely say "Mormon" in Russian.  They arrived in St. Petersburg, met the mission president or whoever at the airport, and they all took the bus and then subway to their new home.  The way they described it, they were told to start proselyting on the subway.  Yikes.  Sink or swim, I guess.    

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In the Alaska Mission as well. You know how many Air-Planes I had to ride in? Alone?

 

Very. Very. Many.

 

Just yesterday my wife asked for my phone so she could check it. When it happened I thought of ther OP and all that has been said here, and how I felt.

 

I was hurt, I felt that my work to make her confidant in my fidelity to her was in question. By the time she was done and she again found nothing that would compromise my marital standing. I felt a like I had just been slapped in the face. Now - this experience is not new to me. I am ok with it and we can process through it all. There is a lot here going on behind the scenes.

 

However, if I could tell any woman anything is - do not do this. It not only creates questions in your mind. But his as well. He starts to wonder if you really are confidant in him. There are many times where is passes through my mind "She thinks I am a horrible man doesnt she?"

 

How can you help your husband? Trust him. Until he proves he cannot be trusted.

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How Do I Love Thee?

Elder Holland gives a powerful talk about how you can better show love for your friends, family, dates or spouse by following the example of Jesus Christ.

https://www.lds.org/media-library/video/2009-02-05-how-do-i-love-thee?category=mormon-messages%2Fmormon-messages-2009&cid=HPFR021315693〈=eng

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Just yesterday my wife asked for my phone so she could check it. When it happened I thought of the OP and all that has been said here, and how I felt.

 

I was hurt, I felt that my work to make her confidant in my fidelity to her was in question. I felt a like I had just been slapped in the face. Now - this experience is not new to me. I am ok with it and we can process through it all. There is a lot here going on behind the scenes.

No you are not okay with it. 

 

The ONLY time I checked my husband's cell was to hopefully find a # that I had deleted by mistake off of my phone. I had failed to enter this number into my computer address and phone book. Good news, he had it. Bad news - he has NEVER deleted any of his in & out going calls. Took me hours to write down #'s that we needed, delete all calls and then bring his cell phone book up to date.

 

My ex hubby was constantly going through my purse, wallet, letters and he would tear the house apart looking for my *journals* which I didn't have. Years later I learned why he was doing this - because he was the guilty one. 

 

In my marriage to Hubby #2, we went over what we are going to put into this eternal marriage. First of all - Elohim, Jehovah and the Holy Ghost are at the head of our marriage/house. Then we are next. There is no *pecking* order. We are equals. 

 

Second of all - our marriage, our relationship is (drum roll) Eternal. 

 

All of you who have spouses who are not trusting you. Who go through your private belongings in the hopes of *catching* you doing wrong and for those of you who do this to your spouse. STOP IT. Right now, STOP IT. It is disgusting what you are doing. It is wrong. It is soooooooo not Christ like. 

 

Bet you are not having any or all of these:

  • Morning personal prayer
  • Morning prayer with spouse -n-family
  • Personal scripture study
  • Family scripture study
  • Evening prayer with spouse -n- family
  • Evening personal prayer
  • Family Home Evening

I have to fight the urge to grab Hubby #2's wallet - why? - because it is in such disarray. His bills are not all facing the same way or in descending order - -argh! His id, credit cards, insurance cards, ss card, business cards, etc. are every-which-a-ways - -ARGH!! Same with his desk - who am I kidding, desk!? It is his entire Den that is a disaster. Yet I prevent myself from tearing through it tossing the totally useless junk, organizing it. I do this NOT because I want to *catch* him doing bad things, but because it is in such a mess. 

 

BUT that wallet is his personal property. My purse is my personal property - as are the journals I now keep. My computer is my property. I don't forbid him access to my computer - heavens I need him to keep it free from bugs, virus's, mal & spy ware and he is the ONLY one who can resuscitate it when it crashes! But there are files that he doesn't even bother to go through. 

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This is probably not a popular opinion but I have absolutely no problem with my husband going through my things....everything. He knows my passwords, I know his. Everything is open. Obviously we want to have trust in our relationships but in my own opinion if my husband ever starts to doubt something or worry....i don't mind if he checks anything to bring peace to his mind about it. I don't like to think of it as MY phone or MY computer....it is always open to him and I am open to his. I like that my husband has his phone laying around the house, open and I know the password. In 10 years of marriage I have searched twice....and found nothing. I believe in trust until it has been broken and then it can be earned back.......I now see that I was paranoid because of my friends husbands and their issues that i started to not trust and assume similar things in my own husband. My bad. Repenting and moving on.

Edited by happywife81
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I don't read my wife's journal, and she doesn't read mine. (At least not our current journals; old ones are generally okay.)

 

Other than that, we have no secret places or hidden passwords or anything. She regularly gets on my email, and I am free to get on hers. We share a bank account and phone account, though we keep separate numbers for convenience.

 

I am a bit baffled by the seeming need for privacy from a person with whom you share a bed and create a family. Innermost thoughts are, of course, private by their very nature, and a journal or diary is an extension of that. Similarly, personal prayer is between the man or woman and his/her Creator, and not shared with anyone else. But outside of that, I don't see the need for keeping secrets from your spouse. To me, such behavior seems to encourage disunity.

 

Just my own viewpoint. If others find it convenient or happy to sleep in separate beds or keep separate bank accounts or hide their email passwords from each other -- hey, whatever works for them.

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