Sign in to follow this  
CharlieKelly

Dating a misson bound girl

Recommended Posts

So I've been dating a girl with her mission call for the past month and a half and things are getting serious. She is due to leave in mid may and I really like this girl and I feel like the feeling in reciprocated. Part of me wants to see her go and fulfill the mission call, but another wants me to convince her to stay and see the possibility of marriage. Would I be a terrible person if i tried to talk her into staying with me? I can't wait that long for her to get back. When should I bring this up? sooner or later? Anyone else had any experience with something like this?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

For one thing.  This is not about you. She has chosen to serve the Lord.  Let her do that.  Talking her out of it may only bring hard feelings down the road.   While 18 months seems like a long time now, in the whole eternal perspective it's nothing.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I disagree with pam slightly.  In the church, men have a priesthood obligation to serve a mission, women do not. As such, I firmly believe (even with the lowering of the mission age) that women should only serve missions when they feel the Lord has personally called them to a mission.  This certainly well may be the case with your friend.

 

Regardless, since she has chosen to serve a mission, I would only ask her to stay if you are planning to get married, i.e. you better be buying an engagement ring.  If you don't know, are unsure, haven't received an answer from the Lord, then let things play out.  If you ask her to stay to "see the possibility of marriage" then that is IMO selfish, irresponsible and damaging to her, i.e. what if things don't work out now she's delayed going on a mission.

 

So if you want to marry her and she wants to marry you and God approves, sure asking her to stay is no problem otherwise don't. And yes, while the statistics aren't good there are plenty of cases where people dating prior to a mission get married later.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I think if you can't wait 18 months then things aren't as serious as you think.  If she didn't have her call yet, then I would be more likely to take "your side".

 

I remember in Pres. Benson's biography it said that he and his wife, Flora, met before his mission.  He went on his mission and they dated when he got home.  BUT then the Lord prompted her to serve a mission.  The Spirit told her that Pres. Benson would not accomplish everything he needed to if he got married too soon.  So she went on a mission, and when she returned they got married.

 

My point is--if it's real love, it's worth waiting for.  If your girlfriend goes on her mission and you fall in love with someone else while she is gone, then in years to come you will be singing the Garth Brooks song, "I thank God for unanswered prayers" because you will love the woman you are with. On the other hand, perhaps your girlfriend will go on her mission, and you will date other girls, but won't fall for any of them because you will be thinking of the girl on a mission.  And when she comes home . . . .   

 

Best of luck to both of you.  And as always...pray about it.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I don't know if I'll even say anything, I hate to think that she wouldn't do something like this because I asked her to. On the other hand I want to be with her as much as possible. I really just wanted to see if anyone had any experience or knowledge of things like that happening. I'm probably just going to get her thoughts on it. I won't really try to persuade her either way, I mostly want to know what shes thinking.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

The advice given prviously is very wise.

 

Since she has her call I would just sit back and "wait" and see what happens in 18 months. You may find a different woman during that time and thats just fine.

 

If you wanted to marry her you should have said so (with a ring) BEFORE she got her call. And if you met her after the call...you may not have be with her long enough to really decide marriage is what you really want with her.

 

So either way. Letting her go and waiting patiently to see if you really want to be with her seems like the best options. Then again. I am a man. The Lord is your best choice to go to with this question.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I don't know if I'll even say anything, I hate to think that she wouldn't do something like this because I asked her to. On the other hand I want to be with her as much as possible. I really just wanted to see if anyone had any experience or knowledge of things like that happening. I'm probably just going to get her thoughts on it. I won't really try to persuade her either way, I mostly want to know what shes thinking.

 

My sister dated a guys for ~5 months before leaving on her mission.  He was a RM (this was before the age change), and the they had a great time.  He liked her a lot, and was sad to see to drop her off at the MTC.  

 

Two weeks later he proposed-- while she was in the MTC.  It was something "he wanted to do for himself" cause "he loved her" and made "he was never happier" and "he wanted her".  Notice: everything was about what "he" wanted, very little input of her thoughts.  My sister's response to the proposal was "what the???...ummm, no thank you.  I got a mission to serve."

 

The guy was heartbroken... but he got over it.  Six months later he found a girl which matched him so much better, they became even more happier.  My sister got home to find engagement announcements in her inbox and thought.  She looked at his picture and thought "I'm so happy for him" and "oh, he's not attractive at all...and kinda gotten fat".   

Edited by Jane_Doe

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A woman friend once told me that she had figured out men completely.  They date and date, and then they date some more, and then at some random, unexpected time a little bell goes off in their head and they suddenly grab the nearest woman and propose, and they're devastasted if the woman declines.

 

It's an unfair stereotype, but it has a few streaks of truth.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A woman friend once told me that she had figured out men completely.  They date and date, and then they date some more, and then at some random, unexpected time a little bell goes off in their head and they suddenly grab the nearest woman and propose, and they're devastasted if the woman declines.

 

It's an unfair stereotype, but it has a few streaks of truth.

As a man, I can tell you first hand that this is very close to the truth. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

So I've been dating a girl with her mission call for the past month and a half and things are getting serious. She is due to leave in mid may and I really like this girl and I feel like the feeling in reciprocated. Part of me wants to see her go and fulfill the mission call, but another wants me to convince her to stay and see the possibility of marriage. Would I be a terrible person if i tried to talk her into staying with me? I can't wait that long for her to get back. When should I bring this up? sooner or later? Anyone else had any experience with something like this?

I am not going to sugarcoat my response.

You are acting very selfishly.

You've only been dating for a month and a half. You have absolutely no business asking her to give up her mission call. I am not sure that would be the right thing to do even if you had been dating longer.

If you were thinking about her instead of yourself, you would never stand in the way of her serving a mission. You would encourage her and support her.

Again, you've only been dating a month and a half. Back off and let her serve her mission. It sounds like you worried that if you don't lock her down right now, she may end up not being a part of your life. I don't know if that is about insecurity or control.

Asking her to give up her mission is a bad choice on several levels. It doesn't bode well for the success of a relationship.

Did you serve a mission?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I don't know if I'll even say anything, I hate to think that she wouldn't do something like this because I asked her to. On the other hand I want to be with her as much as possible. I really just wanted to see if anyone had any experience or knowledge of things like that happening. I'm probably just going to get her thoughts on it. I won't really try to persuade her either way, I mostly want to know what shes thinking.

Bad move. Selfish move.

Again, you are only thinking about yourself. Not her.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Think about where the call came from - her mission call is signed by the Prophet. Will you argue against the prophet and try to persuade someone to act contrary to the will of God as expressed through His prophet? That sounds like a poor foundation on which to start a marriage. Also think about how much better she will be as a wife once she has experienced the extraordinary growth in knowledge, faith, wisdom and commitment that comes from serving a full time mission. If you love her now, just think how much more you will love her once she has finished her mission.

 

I first became attracted to the woman who is now my wife while she was serving a mission, but I made sure that she never had any idea how I felt about her until after she had finished her mission.  

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I disagree with pam slightly.  In the church, men have a priesthood obligation to serve a mission, women do not. As such, I firmly believe (even with the lowering of the mission age) that women should only serve missions when they feel the Lord has personally called them to a mission.  This certainly well may be the case with your friend.

 

 

 

You are right. Women don't have an obligation to serve a mission.  However this young lady already made the decision to do so.  She already has her mission call. So therefore I stand by my answer.  

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest

As a man, I can tell you first hand that this is very close to the truth. 

 

Sheesh, Happy Valentine's Day to all of us women. ;)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

As an old man, let me tell you...  :)

 

When we are young, we have a funny perception of time. A year seems like a life.  When older, a year seems like the time you left the kitchen to get to living room.  I'm sure even as you ask the question, you have told yourself the answer. You shouldn't do anything to stop this young woman from moving forward on a mission. She will return so much stronger. Perhaps you fear she will move past you without you having an equal experience. In that case, work on yourself while she is gone. Build yourself up spiritually so you can be equal when she returns. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

You are right. Women don't have an obligation to serve a mission.  However this young lady already made the decision to do so.  She already has her mission call. So therefore I stand by my answer.  

 

Well there are 2 sides to this coin; 1) I'm assuming the young man has already served a mission (a big assumption) and 2) people go on dates to find a spouse.  I'd say from her end, it's a little irresponsible to go on single dates (another assumption) with a RM when she has already put in for a mission call, unless she was open to the possibility that something might come from these dates. She also started this relationship a month and a half ago so if she was so focused on serving a mission, she should have been 100% up front about it in the beginning (which is possible), and she should only be going on double dates . . . so as to not lead a young man on.

 

There are a lot of unknowns about this situation; while the lowering of mission age for women is certainly a great thing . . . by the same token in general for women starting a family is a higher calling.

 

And while yes, 18 months is not a whole lot of time in the grand scheme of things . . . if he receives an answer that he should marry her, then he better darn well act on it. I've learned in life that when God gives an answer the best course is to follow it-regardless of what others might think. 

 

If this young man wants to date her some more, think about it and see how things work out, then I agree it isn't the right thing to do to ask her to stay; but if he wants to know if he should marry her, then he should pray about it, ask God and then follow whatever prompting is given-if that means asking her to marry him and not go on a mission then that is what he should do.

 

Basically at this point, the only thing that should stop her from going on a mission is a marriage proposal . . . which I cannot possibly see as being rude or selfish. But he should be 100% positive, no wishy washy junk.

 

We never understand the timelines that work in life, 18 months might seem short, and in today's life we all think we are going to live forever.  The older I have gotten, the more precious time has become; sometimes going through the daily routine of life we think 1 year is so short that the years end up blending together so it becomes easy to tell others that 18 months is not a whole lot of time.  But really, life can change very quickly to the point where every day is an eternity and a month away is a lifetime.  Only Heavenly Father knows and understands the timelines of our lives and how things will play out . . . He is the only one who can give us the appropriate guidance as to when we should make those life altering decision.

 

Oh and if he isn't an RM-all the above is null and I say . . .what in the world son. . . serious dating should be the farthest thing from your mind, get your act together and go serve the Lord.

Edited by yjacket

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

So I've been dating a girl with her mission call for the past month and a half and things are getting serious. She is due to leave in mid may and I really like this girl and I feel like the feeling in reciprocated. Part of me wants to see her go and fulfill the mission call, but another wants me to convince her to stay and see the possibility of marriage. Would I be a terrible person if i tried to talk her into staying with me? I can't wait that long for her to get back. When should I bring this up? sooner or later? Anyone else had any experience with something like this?

 

Can't wait 18 months?  I can understand prefering to not wait, but don't tell me you can't wait for her if you really love her.  I met my wife a week after her 15th birhday.  I knew she was the one and I don't use the word know lightly.  She lived 100 miles from my home in a different Stake.  She was too young to date and too far away to hang out with.  We met at church dances about once a month, usually by one of us crashing a dance put on by the other's Stake.  Only 3 weeks after she turned 16 her family moved 2000 miles away.  We managed to get one double date with her brother and his girlfriend before she left, then it was nothing but letters and phone calls for the next year until she managed to come back for my mission farewell.  Then we were 8000 miles apart for 2 years and there were no phone calls at all.  When I got back she had just turned 19 and her family had moved again so they were now 'only' 400 miles away. We got engaged 6 weeks after I got back, and 10 weeks after that we finaly lived in the same city.  Jacob served 7 years for Rachel, then had to serve another 7 years for her when he got tricked.  Count your lucky stars that you are only talking about 18 months.

 

I think it is reasonable to assume that she prayed about her decision and got an answer.  I expect she considred the possibility of meeting some guy after getting her call.  Don't you think she was called by revelation to serve where she was called to?  If 18 months really is too much for you and you can't get 100% behind her then perhaps it's time to both go your seperate ways and perhaps reconnect after she gets back.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A woman friend once told me that she had figured out men completely.  They date and date, and then they date some more, and then at some random, unexpected time a little bell goes off in their head and they suddenly grab the nearest woman and propose, and they're devastasted if the woman declines.

 

It's an unfair stereotype, but it has a few streaks of truth.

 

Perhaps for some, but that is nothing like how I wound up getting married.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Talking her out of it may only bring hard feelings down the road.

 

This; even if everything worked out well, she would always have that feeling that maybe she should have gone on the mission.

 

I'm sort of waiting for a sister missionary to get back.  I wouldn't have considered asking her to change her mind about the mission unless I'd had a ring in my pocket, and even then I would have needed some serious Divine confirmation to do it.  At any rate, she shouldn't be dating before she's back, and it gives me a pretty high standard for other women I date in the meantime to live up to if they're going to steal me before I get to take her to the nice dinner date I promised her when she returns. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

This; even if everything worked out well, she would always have that feeling that maybe she should have gone on the mission.

 

I'm sort of waiting for a sister missionary to get back.  I wouldn't have considered asking her to change her mind about the mission unless I'd had a ring in my pocket, and even then I would have needed some serious Divine confirmation to do it.  At any rate, she shouldn't be dating before she's back, and it gives me a pretty high standard for other women I date in the meantime to live up to if they're going to steal me before I get to take her to the nice dinner date I promised her when she returns. 

Best wishes SG, and I hope she's everything you've been waiting for. I hope its not too much longer.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Best wishes SG, and I hope she's everything you've been waiting for. I hope its not too much longer.

 

Only 17 more months.   :itwasntme:

 

We had only been talking for a few weeks before she was scheduled to leave, and knowing that she was going, I didn't get too attached...until I heard her farewell talk.  Until then, she was just a really cute lady with a good goal in sight.  The talk really added a lot of depth of character that I had intentionally not looked for because I didn't want to be sitting around for 18 months trying not to get mushy in the letters or over-plan how I'd like to win her heart with the dinner date.  I'm still not ring shopping by any stretch of the imagination, but I do hope the dinner will lead to at least a few more dates...if I'm still available, but any woman that can steal my heart before she gets back is going to have to be one heck of a catch.

Edited by NightSG

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

So I've been dating a girl with her mission call for the past month and a half and things are getting serious. She is due to leave in mid may and I really like this girl and I feel like the feeling in reciprocated. Part of me wants to see her go and fulfill the mission call, but another wants me to convince her to stay and see the possibility of marriage. Would I be a terrible person if i tried to talk her into staying with me? I can't wait that long for her to get back. When should I bring this up? sooner or later? Anyone else had any experience with something like this?

IF she has already sent in her papers and has recieved the call then do not- you would be making her contradict what she said she would do, for the Lord for that matter; that is not something to tread lightly. if this is the case I would recommend backing off a bit and letting things cool.

If she is mulling over the choice to send in papers to get called for a mission, then encourage her to pray about it- sacrificing time and effort to do the lord's work is not a bad thing and is a very unique opportunity to do the Lord's Work.

thirdly i'd be worried that this is focused more around you than her. Personally if I were in your shoes, wouldn't bring this up to her...... But if she comes to you and asks if she should then you are given an opportunity to statte that it would make you happier if she stayed and that would be fine. (altho I would also encourage to seek the Lords direction and go with what she gets with an answer)

If you really think shes the one for you to marry then i'd really start praying and fasting a lot to know that answer, and then also to have God to inspire her to choose you or whatever.

Altho In that light a mission call could be a good test for the both of you. If you really love a person you'd be able to sacrifice all things for them.

just my .02$

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
Sign in to follow this