How do I stop feeling so guilty...


srmaher
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I need some help here. I am the father of two very active young boys (5 and 3), and I can't stop feeling guilty about not spending the kind of time they want from me. For those who have little boys know how active and energetic they are. This makes it tough because when I get home late from work each night I am exhausted and they want to play and wrestle. I do the majority of the time knowing that one day they will be grown. 

 

The real issue is this, when ever I am home, they want to spend every second playing, which is awesome because i would rather have them want to spend time with me than the other way around. But I feel so guilty saying no when they come and ask me to play. Even though in my head I understand that I need to get some reset to recharge my batteries, but when I say no I feel a ton of guilt. Its all or nothing really, in my mind I reason that I should as much time with them as possible. But what does that really mean? in other words, obviously i need to go to work among other things but any down time that I have I feel the need to spend it with them. I guess I fear that this is the time I need to bond with my sons to create that relationship that they will need as they get older and face a tough world.   

 

There are the two questions that I continually ask myself. How much time is sufficient to spend with my boys and not feel guilty? How much time is sufficient to bond with them so they get that healthy connection? I understand that you I cant put a fixed amount of time on something like this. Though I can't seem to find a balance where I feel at peace knowing I have done my job as a father. The second question is related to the first (which might help clarity my overall concern), another thing I worry about is that by spending so much time with them, I will harm their sense of independence, that they will expect to get the kind of attention from others as they have gotten from me.

 

I am hoping for some council and advice on this matter. I am hoping that some people have had similar thoughts and feelings and have come up with some good solutions.  

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I don't have the answer.  I don't know if anyone does.  Every family dynamic is different.  I do know you need time for yourself, and also time for the boys, and time for your wife.  Sometimes we feel stretched to the limit.

 

The other day my husband and I were having a discussion about his relationship with our children.  He was feeling bad because he felt he hadn't interacted with his children as much as he should have.  When the kids were younger, my husband would come home from work, and typically flop down on the couch and watch TV and basically zone out.  He asked me "how can I fix this?  The kids are grown and I don't know how to fix this".  I told him, that he couldn't go back in time and fix the past.  But, I did tell him, that the most important thing he gave his kids, is that they have no question that he loves them.  And, he needs to continue to show his love for them.

 

When children know they are loved, it can help mitigate a lot of parental failures.

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it isn't that they will be grown "one day", it is that they will be grown "tomorrow". I actually tolerate bad child behavior better now because I say to myself "some day they won't do that and I'll miss it".  By "bad" behavior, I don't mean terrible behavior, just silly stuff other parents would be annoyed at.  It is hard to imagine they are that hard on you. Unless you are over 40, you should have the energy to keep up with them. If not, you might look at your own schedule and habits and try to find some of that energy (i.e.early to bed, better diet, excercise).

 

I would suggest some boundries. Children need - and want - boundries. You tell them the rules - "Dad will play after the news is over", "We'll play two games of tag.", and then honor the boundries. Spend time reading to them instead of wrestling, or find some other low-impact activities like board games.

 

Raising children seems to take forever, but it will be over before you know it.

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As a father of two troubled and adopted boys, now full grown and on their own, I can tell you that you will know the answer to your question when it's too late. I had different challenges than you do, though. My own dad very rarely spent time with me because he worked full time and went to school full time while I was growing up. I love my dad dearly and looking back, I realize that he did what he had to. But that doesn't change our relationship today:

 

Edited by skalenfehl
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There is a line and where that is exactly, I don't know.  The line is giving enough time to children and giving too much time to children.  

 

I do believe it is possible to give children too much time.  If parents are constantly involved they will never learn how to figure out for themselves what to do in life.  The classic example of this is "Mom, I'm bored . . . ." that is a child who hasn't figured out for themselves how to stay occupied and are requiring external factors to keep them from being "bored", i.e. T.V. someone playing with them, they haven't figured out their own creative genius.

 

Kids that age generally have a short attention span, so a 15-30 min. game would probably suffice. Personally as boys get older it gets better because there are more things to interact with that are actually useful . . .i.e. helping mow the lawn, work on the house, etc. Those things count in my mind as spending time with kids.

 

The biggest thing is that a parent isn't a friend, isn't a playmate, a parent is the ultimate mentor in life. Consequently, we don't have to be engaged in playmate/friend activities to spend quality time and be a mentor to our children.

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My opinion only:

 

This philosophy is developed through my experiences in the family dynamics of Filipino households.

 

1.)  The family is a collection of traditions, beliefs, mores, productivity, security, all designed to have each member support each other on their journey through life to Christ.

 

2.)  Each member have their own place in this collection that contributes to the direction of the family as a whole.  Parents have the responsibility to raise their children in the tradition that the family has found to be a formula for success.  Usually, this is applying what works with their own parents and avoiding what didn't work... so that each and every generation becomes an improvement of the one prior.  Children have the responsibility to learn as much as they can to be contributing members of the family, helping out where help is needed, supporting those who need support, and teaching those younger than they are, and then caring for elderly parents.

 

3.)  When a child is born into the family, he doesn't become the center of the universe.  Rather, he falls into his own place in the family dynamics as all children do.

 

This repeats for every generation so that every parent is not starting from scratch wondering if they're doing the right thing... rather, they are trying to figure out what traditions from the husband's family and the wife's family to incorporate into their own family in the raising of their own children.  The goal is already set - working together in one's own responsibilities in bringing the entire family through life to Christ.

 

So that, for everything that you do as a father, you have to put yourself in the role that you take in the family and assign yourself your responsibilities in cooperation with your wife's responsibilities and your children's responsibilities so that each of you are contributing to the goal of supporting each other through life to Christ.

 

One person cannot do it alone - single parents try but it is very very difficult and a lot of time something has to be sacrificed.  So, applying this in your situation.  You have put yourself in the role of coming up with the money to support the financial needs of the family.  This is your role.  There are only 24 hours in a day.  A big chunk of this is taken by your responsibility to bring the money.  Another chunk is taken by your need to keep your mental and physical health stable through rest.  So you don't get to spend as much time with the children as you would like.  But that's just fine... IF somebody else in the family is taking care of THAT responsibility.  So, if your wife is spending all the time needed for the physical and emotional care of your children, then that need is met and there is no need for you to feel guilty.  Of course, your children need quality time with their father to avail of the blessings of your Priesthood and the influence of their father.  If you are having difficulty meeting this responsibility, then my suggestion is to for you to manage your time better through scheduling.  You can schedule every Monday as FHE day, every Saturday morning as play day, etc.  Then you know to fill the energy tank to be ready for these days.

 

Hope this helps.

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First, drop the guilt it makes no sense. Let me explain why. Guilt is a sign that you are allowing your mind to make negative judgements about your performance. Not only that but what's worse is that you believe what your mind is telling you. Now, what does it tell you? That you have not spent enough time with your children (or wife, or mother, etc. etc). Over and over again day after day.  If you had a friend that did this to you every day you would have kicked him out of the house long ago. But for some reason you keep allowing your mind to tell you what a bad parent you are. This is ludicrous because as you have written, you don't even know how much time is sufficient to spend with your kids!  So realize when the guilt comes, along with all those thoughts of inadequacy, they should not be listened to, that they are not rational. 

 

I don't exactly know why, but in LDS American culture we have come to believe that we have to spend all our time with our kids. Perhaps it comes as a sort of counter culture type of thinking. There are parents who neglect their children. Parents who drop their kids off a day care at 8:00am, spend all day at work only to pick their kids up from day care at 8:00pm just before putting them to bed. But I have a feeling this isn't your situation (correct me if I'm wrong). I used to fight this battle over and over again with my wife. She we keep insisting we had to play games with the kids, barbies with the kids (all girls), go out with the kids, on and on and on. I had to tell her that it was good sometimes for us to kick our children out of the house and tell them to go play outside for an hour. It is not healthy for us always to be around. Some of this became obvious as our kids grew up. When they went to kindergarten they would cry through out the day. My wife would put notes in their lunch box about how much she loved them and that would make them cry. Our 5 year old told my wife to stop putting notes into her lunch box because it just reminded her of the fact that she wasn't at home.

 

Well we have since backed off a bit and it has been great. We spend some time with them and they know were here if they need us but they have become more independent. They don't need us in order to have a good time. Some days they are just playing by themselves and I am happy when I see it.

Edited by james12
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I agree with Eowyn and Suzie.

 

My thoughts are, we tend to over complicate things as adults, and develop this mindset of all or nothing, when the truth is, it's not about quantity but quality. How do you create a balanced and quality life for your family and yourself? Certainly, it can feel like a never ending juggling act, and as long as you're a parent, it will continue to be that way. But there are ways you can make it less stressful and exhausting. Get in the routine of designating a "play time" with your boys after work. When that time has expired, introduce a "down time", where they start to settle in for the night and you can begin to wind down as well. Your kids may not be fans of the down time period, but there is a time for everything, a time to play and a time to rest. Ensure you get time to rest, and with time, your boys will learn that even during down time their daddy still loves them. Best of luck!

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