Sleeping In Separate Rooms


Recommended Posts

I'm sure this topic has been brought up before, but I'm curious as to how many of you currently (or know somebody who currently), sleeps separately from their spouse.

Have you ever heard an alarm clock go off, whether it be on a television show or over the radio, and you instinctively cringe, saying "Ahh, make it stop!!" as it reminds you of being ripped out of heavenly sleep? This is currently my life when it comes to snoring. The sound of it by now makes me want to rip my ears off.

My husband and I have been married over 8 years, and he has always been a chronic snorer. We've tried everything over-the-counter, including decongestants, Vicks, essential oils, and witchcraft (okay, not quite, but might as well). I have urged him for years to see a specialist, but he shrugs it off and blames allergies. I've always believed it to be more, like a deviated septum, but telling him to see a medical specialist is like trying to break down a brick wall with a wooden spoon. We've had the discussions, I've sat down with him over this, but- it just ain't happening. I don't know if he simply doesn't care, or doesn't believe anything will be found. I still bug him every now and then about it, but alas. I can't exactly do this for him, either. HE needs to contact his doctor and get a referral. FYI- his weight is fine, though I realized when he's on a workout binge and exercises regularly, it lessens. 

If anyone were to ask me about my fantasies in life, sleeping in my own room and bed would be in the top 5. Peace! Space! SLEEP! Typically I would just deal with the snoring, but now, with a 9 month old who recently decided sleeping through the night is for wimps, I'm exhausted. Really, really exhausted. The couch and I have become BFFs. Last night HE finally took the couch when I was plotting smothering him with a pillow out loud. 

Anyway, I'm just simply curious if anyone successfully sleeps in a different room than their spouse. Or, if you have a magical remedy for this snoring disaster.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

My dad is overweight and snores quite spectacularly; and he usually sleeps in a separate bedroom. My parents' marriage otherwise seems great, though I dare not ask too many questions. ;)

It seems to me that if a person has a snoring problem and refuses to address it--then being exiled from the bedroom is an inevitable consequence of that.

Edited by Just_A_Guy
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I personally see nothing wrong with sleeping separately for sleeps sake on occasion. However sleeping apart might bring feelings of loss of intimacy, so that might have to be dealt with.

Snoring could indicate sleep apnea, but that also normally goes along with having a little bit too much weight. Has he tried to sleep in a different position, say on his side instead of back, propped up, or change of pillow.

 

A doctor might be able to help with suggestions.

Edited by Crypto
Link to comment
Share on other sites

LOL, Vort. Ah, if only it were that easy. I could have Special Ops custom made earplugs and I'd still hear him. Besides, my ears also listen for the baby at night. Unless of course I could mold enough of those to create a mask to place over his mouth- or at least a device to soften/absorb the sound as it makes its way out.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I personally see nothing wrong with sleeping separately for sleeps sake on occasion. However sleeping apart might bring feelings of loss of intimacy, so that might have to be dealt with.

Snoring could indicate sleep apnea, but that also normally goes along with having a little bit too much weight. Has he tried to sleep in a different position, say on his side instead of back, propped up, or change of pillow.

A doctor might be able to help with suggestions.

We have discussed getting one of those Sleep Number beds where he can incline. See if that does something. Otherwise, he'll snore back and side.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Posted · Hidden by Just_A_Guy, March 7, 2015 - Duplicate
Hidden by Just_A_Guy, March 7, 2015 - Duplicate

I personally see nothing wrong with sleeping separately for sleeps sake on occasion. However sleeping apart might bring feelings of loss of intimacy, so that might have to be dealt with.

Snoring could indicate sleep apnea, but that also normally goes along with having a little bit too much weight. Has he tried to sleep in a different position, say on his side instead of back, propped up, or change of pillow.

A doctor might be able to help with suggestions.

We have discussed getting one of those Sleep Number beds where he can incline. See if that does something. Otherwise, he'll snore back and side.

Link to comment
Posted · Hidden by Just_A_Guy, March 7, 2015 - Duplicate
Hidden by Just_A_Guy, March 7, 2015 - Duplicate

I personally see nothing wrong with sleeping separately for sleeps sake on occasion. However sleeping apart might bring feelings of loss of intimacy, so that might have to be dealt with.

Snoring could indicate sleep apnea, but that also normally goes along with having a little bit too much weight. Has he tried to sleep in a different position, say on his side instead of back, propped up, or change of pillow.

A doctor might be able to help with suggestions.

We have discussed getting one of those Sleep Number beds where he can incline. See if that does something. Otherwise, he'll snore back and side.

Link to comment
Posted · Hidden by Just_A_Guy, March 7, 2015 - Duplicate
Hidden by Just_A_Guy, March 7, 2015 - Duplicate

I personally see nothing wrong with sleeping separately for sleeps sake on occasion. However sleeping apart might bring feelings of loss of intimacy, so that might have to be dealt with.

Snoring could indicate sleep apnea, but that also normally goes along with having a little bit too much weight. Has he tried to sleep in a different position, say on his side instead of back, propped up, or change of pillow.

A doctor might be able to help with suggestions.

We have discussed getting one of those Sleep Number beds where he can incline. See if that does something. Otherwise, he'll snore back and side. I've listened for apnea, but his breathing seems fine, unless a doctor catches it.

Link to comment
Posted · Hidden by Just_A_Guy, March 7, 2015 - Duplicate
Hidden by Just_A_Guy, March 7, 2015 - Duplicate

I personally see nothing wrong with sleeping separately for sleeps sake on occasion. However sleeping apart might bring feelings of loss of intimacy, so that might have to be dealt with.

Snoring could indicate sleep apnea, but that also normally goes along with having a little bit too much weight. Has he tried to sleep in a different position, say on his side instead of back, propped up, or change of pillow.

A doctor might be able to help with suggestions.

We have discussed getting one of those Sleep Number beds where he can incline. See if that does something. Otherwise, he'll snore back and side. I've listened for apnea, but his breathing seems fine, unless a doctor catches it.

Link to comment
Posted · Hidden by Just_A_Guy, March 7, 2015 - Duplicate
Hidden by Just_A_Guy, March 7, 2015 - Duplicate

I personally see nothing wrong with sleeping separately for sleeps sake on occasion. However sleeping apart might bring feelings of loss of intimacy, so that might have to be dealt with.

Snoring could indicate sleep apnea, but that also normally goes along with having a little bit too much weight. Has he tried to sleep in a different position, say on his side instead of back, propped up, or change of pillow.

A doctor might be able to help with suggestions.

We have discussed getting one of those Sleep Number beds where he can incline. See if that does something. Otherwise, he'll snore back and side. I've listened for apnea, but his breathing seems fine, unless a doctor catches it.

Link to comment
Guest LiterateParakeet

I think the snorer...who refuses to seek medical advice (sleep apnea can be dangerous and you don't HAVE to be overweight) . . . should be the one to take the couch.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Does he sound like he is sawing HUGE logs in his sleep? I seriously know your pain. Unfortunately, we did used to sleep apart a lot. Although the spontaneity is less, we really are doing just fine. Part of it, though, is he goes to bed earlier than me due to health concerns...so it still happens more often than I like. I use Hearos Xtreme ear plugs...I get them from Amazon. If I have those and fall asleep first, his snoring will not wake me up. I recommend trying them. Really, though, if you guys need to sleep apart, you will be ok as long as everything else in your marriage is healthy. We just try to make sure we get snuggle time before bed to help.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

My husband is a loud snorer.  He can wake up others in a different room.  I don't know how I do it, but I have somehow learned to tune it out.  I'm not saying I can do it every night, but most nights I'm able to tune him out, and when I had babies, I could still hear them.  Again, I don't know how I could do that.  I could somehow hear their cries even when my husband was snoring.

 

My husband did get himself checked for sleep-apnea.  He went to a sleep center, and he couldn't sleep while being hooked up to all the monitors.  He says he couldn't sleep because he wasn't in his own bed, and was so uncomfortable.  And, now he has to get a written consent form signed from his doctor every time he needs his drivers license renewed.  It's a big pain to go through all that every time for his DL.  He is not a danger on the road.  He has never fallen asleep while driving.  He doesn't even fall asleep while watching TV or listening to Sacrament Meeting talks.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I come from a family of genetic sleeping disorders... My great grandpa died of sleep apnea. I have an aunt and an uncle that are airports - their snoring is as loud as jet planes that if snoring bothers you, you'll need to go get a hotel room because there's no corner of the house that the snoring can't reach. And then there are the teeth grinders and the sleepwalkers...

I don't know how everybody does it but none of their spouses sleep somewhere else. I think they just got used to it or something. I stayed at my uncle's house for the summer and I slept with headphones on playing Yanni just to drown out the snoring... And what's interesting is he would be watching TV and he'd snore through the commercials and wake up when the show comes back on!

My dad is the teeth grinder and my mom is a light sleeper. She just shoves him so he turns and stops grinding.

But my mom will be the first to tell you, it's ok to have separate rooms - maybe one of those with a connecting door, or you can build a suite where you got a sitting area for just the both of you to be intimate in and hang out, then you go into your own rooms on each side of the sitting area to retire.

Edited by anatess
Link to comment
Share on other sites

To address what is your primary concern; there is nothing wrong with sleeping in different rooms.

 

Your bigger concern should be sleep apnea.

 

My wife has sleep apnea. It is common with overweight people, but my wife is petite and thin; very tiny actually, which made her horrendous snoring even more concerning.

Turns out, many years later - meaning late in life, she was diagnosed with Sleep Apnea.  She faithfully wears a device (not quite the awful mask). There is NO snoring. She gets a much better sleep and has far more energy.

 

Here's the kicker ALL should be concerned about: Because of her apnea, she aspirates at night. That is the pulling of fluid into the lungs. She has a strict regiment about not eating after 6:00, elevating the bed, apnea treatment, etc.  She went most of her life thinking she had asthma but in fact was getting recurring infections and destroying her lungs. It took the doctors at National Jewish to get her the proper treatment. Problem is, it is too late. She is so prone to infection that a flu could kill her (twice, she has been severely ill). 

 

So, I would encourage more professional treatment for the snoring. For the 50% of the people who have apnea and won't wear a mask, enjoy your children, you may not see grandchildren. 

 

Sorry to leave this on a downer. People joke about snoring. Fact is, there may be an issue that can be corrected. 

Edited by sxfritz
Link to comment
Share on other sites

To address what is your primary concern; there is nothing wrong with sleeping in different rooms.

 

Your bigger concern should be sleep apnea.

 

My wife has sleep apnea. It is common with overweight people, but my wife is petite and thin; very tiny actually, which made her horrendous snoring even more concerning.

Turns out, many years later - meaning late in life, she was diagnosed with Sleep Apnea.  She faithfully wears a device (not quite the awful mask). There is NO snoring. She gets a much better sleep and has far more energy.

 

Here's the kicker ALL should be concerned about: Because of her apnea, she aspirates at night. That is the pulling of fluid into the lungs. She has a strict regiment about not eating after 6:00, elevating the bed, apnea treatment, etc.  She went most of her life thinking she had asthma but in fact was getting recurring infections and destroying her lungs. It took the doctors at National Jewish to get her the proper treatment. Problem is, it is too late. She is so prone to infection that a flu could kill her (twice, she has been severely ill). 

 

So, I would encourage more professional treatment for the snoring. For the 50% of the people who have apnea and won't wear a mask, enjoy your children, you may not see grandchildren. 

 

Sorry to leave this on a downer. People joke about snoring. Fact is, there may be an issue that can be corrected. 

 Thanks for this information. This gives me a lot to think about. I'm sorry your wife has had such a hard time with this- I've never heard of aspirating like that at night- quite scary! I'm glad she's being taken care of.

 

Have you ever recorded his snoring then playing it back to him?

 

How long do you think it would take before he went to see a specialist if you woke him up every time his snoring woke you up?

 Honestly, yes, more than once I have recorded it and played it back. He half-listens, then shrugs it off and apologizes. I wish it was easier to wake him up in the night. Not enough punches and kicks will get him to even budge. If I get lucky, I can get the right spot to tickle him and he'll flinch. Otherwise, I have to get my voice loud enough to get him to hear me. He's a very deep sleeper. Lately our son has been sleeping with us, so I'm careful not to be too loud. I'm not sure how he's sleeping with the snoring, but he's doing better in our bed than his crib as of late (I've always been pretty obsessed about sleep training, and here I am, giving in to letting him into our bed at night when he cries- can't win every battle). 

I will bring up sleep apnea, however, and let him know I'm completely serious about getting checked for that. Maybe I'll toss in a little guilt about being worried when it comes to having a father for our son. Just a little ;). Thanks, everyone. Because I also told him I'm dead serious about having my own room someday. I just don't know if that will impact our son at all, know what I mean? Anyway. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Your husband needs a sleep test for the sake of at least ruling out sleep apnea.  People with sleep apnea die younger than their counterparts without apnea, even when adjusting for any comorbid conditions.  Worse than that, they have worse quality of life in that shortened life span.

 

If he won't go for it, then kick him out of the room.  Make him sleep elsewhere.  His decision to torpedo his health and quality of life shouldn't torpedo yours too.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Oh yes, there is nothing wrong with separate rooms for sleep.  It does not prevent visits to one anothers room.  That can still be accomplished.

I have known many who have had long and successful marriages and slept in separate rooms. I know one major case today (a real snorer).

Of course you should rule out medical issues if it's snoring or anything else that could be a medical issue.

I think there have to be some separate interests.  Then also some common ones.  Something for balance.

My father was married more than 70 years.  Yes, separate bedrooms probably did help in that regard.

dc

Link to comment
Share on other sites

IMO, having a separate bedroom isn't a bad idea anyway.  Not necessarily a fully equipped room, but just somewhere so that the option is always open.

 

As much as I love to cuddle, there were times when I really wanted to flop down in bed alone and just sleep.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...
 Share