Is PMS comparable to infidelity?


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I'm assuming that his infidelity has stopped and he has properly repented of it and that you have told him at some point that you have forigiven him.

 

If so, then I expect he would see all that 'his history' not as 'his issues'.  Next time he says that I would recomend asking him what exactly he sees 'his issues' as meaning.

 

As for you, if you are going to drag out what he did in past so you can play the victim card on him again and again then perhaps there is some work in the forgiveness area you could attend to. Don't make your hurt over what he did poison everything esle or drag it into every dispute. (I know, easier said than done)

 

Lastly, sometimes PMS is the result of a nutitional deficency.  My wife found taking a Calcium-Magnesium suplement really helped her, virtually no PMSing after that.  I've heard others say similar things but with other suppluements, so perhaps try a supplement that covers lots of different things.

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I think any kind of tit for tat approach to "resolve" issues in a marriage is fatally flawed. It's a natural-man knee-jerk response that feels good and makes sense to our most petty instincts. If we get into that type of cycle it just tends to never end and usually escalates the hurt and misunderstanding.

I would suggest you resist any type of retaliatory behavior, but speak in clear terms with your spouse when they do something that hurts you. So much hurt that happens between good people is unintentional. ... Or it should be... There are more than enough issues to work on without us intentionally trying to hurt each other... most especially in marriage.

Edited by theSQUIDSTER
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You said you've gone through therapy but maybe you haven't received the help that you need? Might be worth talking to someone again about it, and expressing what your concerns are, then tackling the issue with a new approach?

 

I will agree that intimacy should not be used as punishment or a bargaining chip, however, it is perfectly valid to postpone intercourse when menstruating, feeling unwell, or your body is exhausted. Now, if you're in the middle of fighting and then you go to bed and your husband expects you to make love to him, that's just awkward in my opinion, especially if it's purely a physical thing he's wanting and not wanting to resolve the root of the fight.

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I don't think everyone that has responded has read the original post.

 

I was originally asking my question, because my hubby has brought up HIS past. He is comparing it to issues I have now, and saying that we're basically even. The hurt I felt was in him actually thinking that his infidelity was comparable to PMS that I suffer monthly. I DON'T suffer from extreme PMS, and this is where I got confused with his comparison. My thoughts were similar to Eowyn's, in that I feel that every woman suffers from PMS to some degree, but I know that not every husband cheats on his wife. I don't bring up his past--to him, and maybe I shouldn't have brought it up here. I only thought it was ok, because he was the one who originally brought it up. 

 

I guess I just wanted some ladies on the board to empathize with, and relate to, as I know that I am not alone in PMS. Right? 

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I guess I just wanted some ladies on the board to empathize with, and relate to, as I know that I am not alone in PMS. Right? 

 

Generally speaking any information extraneous to your intent (a thread where people empathize/sympathize about PMS) will result in some manner of thread derailment/tangent. Particularly if that extraneous information is about relationship issues and it's put in the relationship advice forum. 

Edited by Dravin
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I'm a little confused, and perhaps I'm misreading you.  As I understand it, the statement he really made that really concerns you is "I am willing to put up with your 'issues', because you put up with mine."  Now, tone and inflection can be a lot of it, and obviously I'm not getting any of that--but on its face, this strikes me as having very little to do with either of your "past".  It could as easily be interpreted as referring to your slight edginess versus his habit of leaving socks on the floor. 

 

That's why I wrote what I wrote, to be honest--as I read your post, his statement seemed pretty innocuous; and I couldn't (and still can't) quite understand why you felt it is so problematic unless at some level either he's not quite done repenting or you're not quite done forgiving.  (Which wouldn't make either of you bad people; it would just mean there's still some work to do.)

 

Didn't you read her post where she said she DID ask him what he meant by issues and he referred to "those" five years.  She knew exactly what he meant.   

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As far as men having to go a week without sex (heaven forbid), what ever happened to "bridle your passions that you might be filled with love?"  Sometimes when we're in the process of moving my husband will have to go ahead for months at a time before the rest of the family gets there.  If this woman's husband complains about a week, he needs some serious humbling, such as a heart attack or back injury where he has to restrain himself for a lengthy period of time. I have heard of women in this century, decade and year being so submissive that they give in to every sexual demand whenever the guy wants it, regardless of how she feels. This is NOT what the Lord had in mind for his daughters. I'm very certain of this!   There is NO excuse for a man to treat a woman this way. 

 

To the OP- from what you've described, I'm getting a picture of a very selfish man with perhaps a sex addiction that may not be completely dealt with. Maybe he's not acting out like he was, but if he thinks he can compare his adultery to your PMS- which is a normal biological condition for a huge percentage of women- NOT a temptation that women just give into, the perhaps he's not quite over his "issues".  He just doesn't get it. 

 

I am glad you feel like you get along great and hope you'd use this strength in your marriage to overcome the wedge his thoughtless remarks have caused. No, PMS CANNOT be compared to infidelity in any way shape or form. 

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I don't think everyone that has responded has read the original post.

 

I was originally asking my question, because my hubby has brought up HIS past. He is comparing it to issues I have now, and saying that we're basically even...

 

Certainly infidelity is not comprable in magnitude even to extreme PMS symptoms.  From what you said about him clarifying it is he is looking at the duration of the issue as a bigger factor in measuring it than the magnitude of the offense and doesn't have much appreciation for the emotional scars infidelity can leave on others.

 

He may not even really mean it and just be trying to protect his ego when he knows he is in the wrong.  Either way you slice it though, it is not acceptable behavior and you guys need to work some things out still.

Edited by Latter-Day Marriage
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As far as men having to go a week without sex (heaven forbid), what ever happened to "bridle your passions that you might be filled with love?"  Sometimes when we're in the process of moving my husband will have to go ahead for months at a time before the rest of the family gets there.  If this woman's husband complains about a week, he needs some serious humbling, such as a heart attack or back injury where he has to restrain himself for a lengthy period of time.

Shame on you, how can you compare a family necessity ie moving to another state for example to willfully withholding sex in order to get your mate to comply with your whims.....

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I guess I just wanted some ladies on the board to empathize with, and relate to, as I know that I am not alone in PMS. Right? 

 

OK - if that's what you're after - 

Yes, I experience PMS but luckily for me (and hubby) not for an entire week.  I won't go into what I deal with physically but all I have to do his let my husband know it's the "time of the month" and he knows to be a bit more understanding, etc.  He knows that until he goes a day every month feeling like he's been punched in the gut or stabbed in the back, he doesn't have room to complain about it.

Also, as mentioned previously - magnesium may be helpful.

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As far as men having to go a week without sex (heaven forbid), what ever happened to "bridle your passions that you might be filled with love?" 

 

I don't think the problem is that the man has to go without sex; the problem is that one marital partner is deliberately withholding something that (s)he knows the other partner considers important to a continued fulfilling, healthy relationship.

 

Expecting a man to just deal with a wife who withholds sex as a punitive measure for weeks on end, seems rather like expecting a woman to just deal with a husband who gives her the silent treatment as a punitive measure for weeks on end.  I can understand, to some degree, a simple "I'm really, really sorry; but I'm just not in the mood" (though I note, that line doesn't get me very far when I don't feel up to a prolonged conversation!).  But I have a difficult time sympathizing with a "you don't deserve me right now".

Edited by Just_A_Guy
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Elder Wilford Andersen of the Seventy, who is a member of my ward, once told us an interesting story about a time a couple of his kids were having a disagreement. When he asked them what was going on and why they were fighting, one blurted out, "It all started when HE hit me back!"

I think that's a very telling story with regard to the nature of disagreements, justice, perception and a host of other experiences of life where we have a tendency feel justified in our less-than-stellar behavior with our brothers and sisters.

To the OP:

Until now my comments have been more directed toward the tone and some of the comments in this thread rather than specifically at you. My heart goes out to you. I think what your husband said to you was insensitive and hurtful. If it was just a thoughtless comment hopefully you can pray for the ability to let go of it. If it was spoken with the intent to hurt then the underlying issue is more serious. You still need to forgive either way.. But in the second case scenario it will require greater wisdom and healing... and probably more time. Regardless of what your husband chooses to do, you can be healed of the hurt. My hope is that you can both be healed together.

You have my prayers and best wishes. May the Lord bless you.

Edited by theSQUIDSTER
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I don't think the problem is that the man has to go without sex; the problem is that one marital partner is deliberately withholding something that (s)he knows the other partner considers important to a continued fulfilling, healthy relationship.

 

Expecting a man to just deal with a wife who withholds sex as a punitive measure for weeks on end, seems rather like expecting a woman to just deal with a husband who gives her the silent treatment as a punitive measure for weeks on end.  I can understand, to some degree, a simple "I'm really, really sorry; but I'm just not in the mood" (though I note, that line doesn't get me very far when I don't feel up to a prolonged conversation!).  But I have a difficult time sympathizing with a "you don't deserve me right now".

 

 

So you think that because she has PMS and feels like crap she is "deliberately withholding something that (s)he knows the other partner considers important to a continued fulfilling, healthy relationship."  Honestly?    

 

She is not being punitive. I assure you.  Let's see...you are coming down with the flu, achy , chills. And you're constipated up to your eyeballs, stomach hurts, bloating, gas, the works.  And your wife comes to you feeling all hot to trot wanting to hop in the sack with you. Then gets petulant when you say, Honey i really don't feel well. Maybe in a few days.  Then claims you have issues but the fact that she had some affairs awhile ago makes your issues equal.     Think about it.  Bridling passion really does allow for more true love. 

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I swear, even the discussion of men not getting what they want when they want it turns mens' defenses on high alert and  brains off. Go back and READ the original post. Use reason when you actually answer her question. 

 

How did this turn into a scenario where she is intentionally with holding sex just to spite him? 

Edited by carlimac
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So you think that because she has PMS and feels like crap she is "deliberately withholding something that (s)he knows the other partner considers important to a continued fulfilling, healthy relationship." Honestly?

She is not being punitive. I assure you. Let's see...you are coming down with the flu, achy , chills. And you're constipated up to your eyeballs, stomach hurts, bloating, gas, the works. And your wife comes to you feeling all hot to trot wanting to hop in the sack with you. Then gets petulant when you say, Honey i really don't feel well. Maybe in a few days. Then claims you have issues but the fact that she had some affairs awhile ago makes your issues equal. Think about it. Bridling passion really does allow for more true love.

This tangent about deliberately withholding intimacy has little to do with the OP; rather it addresses this suggestion to the OP.

You're talking to me like I'm your enemy, Carlimac. I'm not.

Edited by Just_A_Guy
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You mentioned that you're a stay at home MOM so no, it's not "your job to keep the house neat and tidy" - it's the kids!... 

 

No it is not. The OP said her kids have chores, and that's how it should be. It is not the kids responsibility to look after the house. When her kids grow up and have their own house then it will be their responsibility.

 

As for her husband's comparison between her PMS and his previous infidelity, there is no comparison. nraikmom, let your husband know that you do not appreciate that comparison, it is hurtful and insensitive.

 

As for your PMS. Check out this link.

 

http://www.webmd.com/women/pms/features/diet-and-pms

 

M.

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As far as men having to go a week without sex (heaven forbid), what ever happened to "bridle your passions that you might be filled with love?"  Sometimes when we're in the process of moving my husband will have to go ahead for months at a time before the rest of the family gets there.  If this woman's husband complains about a week, he needs some serious humbling, such as a heart attack or back injury where he has to restrain himself for a lengthy period of time. I have heard of women in this century, decade and year being so submissive that they give in to every sexual demand whenever the guy wants it, regardless of how she feels. This is NOT what the Lord had in mind for his daughters. I'm very certain of this!   There is NO excuse for a man to treat a woman this way. 

 

To the OP- from what you've described, I'm getting a picture of a very selfish man with perhaps a sex addiction that may not be completely dealt with. Maybe he's not acting out like he was, but if he thinks he can compare his adultery to your PMS- which is a normal biological condition for a huge percentage of women- NOT a temptation that women just give into, the perhaps he's not quite over his "issues".  He just doesn't get it. 

 

I am glad you feel like you get along great and hope you'd use this strength in your marriage to overcome the wedge his thoughtless remarks have caused. No, PMS CANNOT be compared to infidelity in any way shape or form. 

Thank you for responding! My husband DOES have a sex addiction that we've been working through for a number of years. As long as he keeps trying, it's worth it for me to keep trying. 

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So you think that because she has PMS and feels like crap she is "deliberately withholding something that (s)he knows the other partner considers important to a continued fulfilling, healthy relationship."  Honestly?

You need to read the thread more carefully, carlimac.

 

I swear, even the discussion of men not getting what they want when they want it turns mens' defenses on high alert and  brains off.

Well, there's a charitable assessment of men in general and of people on this thread in specific.

 

(That's sarcasm, in case it got past you.)

 

Go back and READ the original post. Use reason when you actually answer her question. 

 

How did this turn into a scenario where she is intentionally with holding sex just to spite him? 

Go back and READ this thread. Take time to actually figure out who is saying what, rather than just read something out of context and start throwing around false accusations.

 

Did you even read notquiteperfect's early contribution to this thread? Here it is. Read it carefully. I will highlight things to help make it obvious what the responses are to.

 

You mentioned that you're a stay at home MOM so no, it's not "your job to keep the house neat and tidy" - it's the kids! How else are they going to learn and be ready to be on their own and be good companions/roommates/spouses?

 

With that said, it sounds like you don't ask him to help out enough during non-pms times.  If he were helping more, he wouldn't complain about it during that time of the month.  As far as 'no intimacy' playing a part - he should be able to handle a week (didn't he have to handle more than that after having the kids - assuming they weren't adopted?).  

 

So basically, I'd turn this into 2 weeks than 3 etc till he got a clue.  Honestly, you're doing him no favors by doing too much. I know a couple who is currently apart (valid reasons) and the husband has no clue how to clean up after himself, etc. and the wife doesn't want to go visit because she doesn't want to have to play 'maid'...

 

Also, did your husband not grow up with a mom or sisters?  If so, this shouldn't be a new concept for him.  Maybe he needs a reminder.

 

I'd be telling him that you need support not attitude and give him a glimpse that it could (and might) be worse.

Hope that helps.

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