Contention

[Crypto]

Elderly couple in the family are getting on in years and are having trouble taking care of themselves. Married a long time and the wife is getting progressively more emotionally abusive, manipulative, controling and refuses to basically do anything, often times going beyond basic responsibilities including not eating (Like not willing to go to fridge or even open a bag of chips on their own) or not taking medicines. (Still capable of doing so) Confronting the behavior always makes it escalate and worse. Refuses help. Part of the problem is neglecting to take care of the medical problems. Strongly suspect untreated mental illness, but would not cooperate with therapy (would therapy even help so late in life?). Threatens divorce as a means of control (though I wouldn't doubt the threats are serious), but has no where to turn to and go if a divorce did happen.[Divorce would probably dramatically improve the quality of life of the husband] Basically claims to be a victim and oppressed by dictators, even if that is the opposite from reality. Isolates self, and husband from church, and all other people. Extreme jealousy if the husband so much as talks to, or a woman crosses his visual field. Horrible naming calling and false accusations.

 

I can't seem to understand why someone would refuse to do the things that would help them feel better. What can anybody do in such a situation? It's horrible, I never knew exactly how horrible it was until recently. I'm sure it has to do with the insecurity of being able to take care of themselves. What can be done?

 

It's almost like the only way to deal with it is to not deal with it.

Edited March 14, 2015 by Crypto

[Guest]

Could she have Alzheimer's? 

[kapikui]

I would second checking for Alzheimer's, or other forms of dementia. Also checking for things like brain tumors and other potential medical issues would be advisable. It sounds to me less like typical mental illness, and more like a specific physical problem with the brain, the kind that shows up on a cat scan.

[Crypto]

I've thought about it maybe being Alzheimer's, but she seems to have no problems with remembering things. Then again she would also be very good at hiding it, she is good at hiding things like that.
There is no way to get her to a doctor to check, she would refuse and i'm not in a position to try and force it.

How could you get someone to go to a doctor against their will?

Edited March 14, 2015 by Crypto

[Crypto]

[Just_A_Guy]

How could you get someone to go to a doctor against their will?

The legal mechanism in many states would be to try to get her declared incapacitated and put under a formal guardianship. She then becomes essentially a child in the eyes of the law, and the guardian can get whatever care for her is deemed appropriate.

Is husband in a situation to stand up for himself? If not, you might consider whether her treatment of him qualifies as "elder abuse", and make the appropriate reports if necessary.

Edited March 14, 2015 by Just_A_Guy

[Crypto]

Competent but unwilling, not quite at the incapacitated state yet I would guess.

 I think the husband could still stand up for himself, but see's it as a condition of a normal marriage. There is the possibility  that it may qualify as elder abuse emotionally.

[Beccabee2]

Talk with a professional psychologist about what you're observing. That way you can get a somewhat more credible opinion about what's going on and the steps you should take to ensure both of their safety and health.

Edited March 14, 2015 by Beccabee2

[Guest]

My dad went through this after he got lung cancer. He became boorish, exacting, jealous, stubborn, and his words would cut like a sword. My mom just ignored his boorish behavior, laughed it off, and continued to serve him through his illness. She withstood all this for 2.5 years until my dad finally passed. But she had the support of all her children and grandchildren. They moved in with my sister who is a nurse and my sister ook care of both of them. She took over all the medical decisions and assigned tasks for all of us to care not just for my dad, but especially for my mom.

My siblings would take turns flying to my sister's house to help care for my parents. We would take my mom out to give her a break but she would refuse because she did not want to leave my dad alone and my dad would brutally accuse her of cheating. My dad went on a rant because she let his caretaker borrow my dad's swimt trunks and that went on for weeks of accusations of adultery! So we became creative... We would tell my mom her grand kids need an adult companion to go to some place and that we couldn't do it so we really need her to go, so she would go and we would take turns calming my dad down....

It sounds bad telling you about it but it wasn't really bad, it became great memories for our family to talk about, especially now that he has passed. We would recount my dad's crazy behaviors fondly. Even his grand kids do so. There was a time my dad ranted on my 8-year-old niece because she answered a simple math addition question... My dad was a mathematical genius in the level of Turing, etc. They were eating as a family and they were trying to figure out the bill and my dad was looking at 12 + 17 and took a while to answer... This is my dad who would look at a grocery bill a foot long and add them all up in 10 seconds. My niece piped up, "it's 29 grandpa" and he went on a tirade... My niece turned to her siblings trying her best not to laugh... So now we talk about these things fondly.

What I'm trying to say here is... We knew my dad is not like that. Yes, he was a perfectionist and a strict disciplinarian but he was always level headed and kind. It wasn't until he got cancer and started chemo that he changed. So we can see that it was a by-product of his circumstance so we forgive him and move on...

Edited March 14, 2015 by anatess