My gay best friend wants me to attend his wedding


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Not only does he want me to attend his wedding, he wants me to be his best man. He's like my brother so I accept him for who he is, but not all of his choices, so I'm conflicted, because as much as I want to be there for him, I don't know if being there would be wrong of me. I don't agree with his choice of lifestyle, he knows that, and I feel like showing up at a gay wedding is like showing support for something contrary to what God wants. A wedding is like a big deal in someone's life, so even though I don't agree with his lifestyle, I feel like as someone who is closest to him, I'm turning my back on him and he'll see it as that. Any advice?

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I say go and be in his wedding.  It doesn't mean you are condoning his lifestyle but being a friend.

 

I have a son who is gay and in a relationship.  I've had a really hard time coming to terms with this in how I can still show my son I love him and still support him but also stand by my beliefs.

 

I have discovered I can still do both.

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We just finished a thread very similar to this question. There was a great debate with arguments pro and con. It went on for pages and pages.

 

My feelings, you do a greater dis-service to the gospel by showing intolerrance to someone so close to you. A demonstration of love (your love) is a far greater teacher than your absence. To not be there only tells the person they are of no value.

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You are asking for opinions so you are going to get lots of opinions...  But those opinions are by their very nature based on what the opinion giver thinks and feels, and reasons...

 

They can be good for helping you consider things in ways you haven't before.  But the only opinion that really matter, the only opinion you should seek to follow... Is Christ's.   Get on your knees and pray...  Wrestle with it if necessary.  When you believe God approves of your choice then act on it whatever it might be.

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I heartily endorse Estradling's suggestion to follow the Spirit.

 

That said:  I would be suspicious of anyone who suggested that I ought to go as a matter of "tolerance".  Would you consider yourself morally required to attend the wedding and serve as best man, if your friend were marrying a thirteen-year-old girl rather than a male?  Of course not.  You might well choose to attend and participate, I suppose; but it would be a churlish friend indeed who, understanding your own conflicting values, demanded it.

 

Again--I'm not saying, positively, that you shouldn't go.  I just think you should maybe be a little wary of the societal pressures suggesting that you should.  Like Estradling says--wrestle it out with the Lord and have the courage to do what the Spirit tells you to do.

Edited by Just_A_Guy
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I am conflicted on this subject.  I have gay friends but I have made it clear that I do no support “gay marriage”.   In fact I have made it clear that some of their gay friends publically celebrate gay sexuality in ways that I personally find extremely incorporate and offensive.  This is not just a gay “thing” I find that many heterosexuals publically celebrate their sexuality in ways that I also find extremely incorporate and offensive.    I will excuse myself from any circumstance that sexuality is publically celebrated in ways I find incorporate and offensive – and I make it clear that a friend will never compromise our relationship by surprising me; thinking that such a sexual shock (pushing the envelope) concerning me is somehow funny or humorous.   I also have made it clear to friends that when alcohol is served – that it is a clue to me to leave.  If someone calls me – I will be a designated driver but I will not wait around watching friends get drunk.  Even at wedding celebrations.

 

I would tell my gay friends that if anyone asks my personal opinion about the gay wedding even while at the wedding – that I will speak honestly and if that would offend their guests – it would be best for both of us that I let them celebrate such things with friends that would rather celebrate without me.

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Guest LiterateParakeet

I say go and be in his wedding.  It doesn't mean you are condoning his lifestyle but being a friend.

 

I have a son who is gay and in a relationship.  I've had a really hard time coming to terms with this in how I can still show my son I love him and still support him but also stand by my beliefs.

 

I have discovered I can still do both.

 

I totally agree with Pam.  You can do both.

 

 

In trying to decide whether or not to attend, I think you might find the following thread to be helpful

 

http://lds.net/forums/topic/56697-mormons-free-to-back-gay-marriage-on-social-media-lds-apostle-reiterates/#entry816330

 

Thanks askandanswer, I was thinking of that article too.

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Go.

 

 

If I nitpicked over every thing I disapproved of that my friends did, I'd lose some pretty awesome friendships. The key in all this is to remember that no one is perfect and everyone sins. You can stand firm in your beliefs, and yet, continue to show love and support for those you care for. My social network is vast and diverse. I have gay and lesbian friends, I have friends that are drinkers and smokers, I have friends that love god and friends that hate god, I have friends that are meat eaters and I'm strict vegan... I can remain a friend despite our differences. It's doable.

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Which way do you face?

Ironically, the General Conference speaker who used this appears not to have quite understood Elder Packer's usage. Elder Packer's point was that Church leaders should face the people, listening and giving voice to what the First Presidency and Quorum of Twelve say, rather than face the Church leaders and give feedback from the Church membership to the leaders, instructing them how to lead better.

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My personal feeling is that participating in a gay wedding is...in fact....participating in a gay wedding. To draw a parallel, if your best friend wants you to play a piviotal role in some debauched frat party in his honor, do you do it just because he's your best friend? If your best friend is part of some racist organization and he's getting an award from it, and he wants you to present it to him because "it means a lot" to him, do you do it?

 

This is not to demonize him for being gay. I think homosexuaity is a pretty human experience, and so the parallels aren't going to be totally exact.

 

But would Jesus be the best man at a gay wedding? Or Thomas Monson? Honest, open question I'm postulating, I realize some of you may have different answers, but it's something to think about.

 

 If he was my very best friend, I might go to his wedding, but I would not participate in the wedding itself by being best man. Just a guess, but it seems to me that by asking you to be best man, your friend is trying to strong-arm you into showing acceptance for what he is doing.

 

We've seen a lot of strong-arming into acceptance from the gay community lately, haven't we? Seems they think that is acceptable. It's not.

 

If your best friend is really your best friend, he'll understand where you're coming from and settle with you attending the wedding and giving your regards to them by wishing them a measure of some kind of happiness in this life, instead of knowingly making you participate in something that is blatantly against your most cherished principles. Best friend? Sure. Trick-monkey? No.

 

I'd tell him I appreciate the honor of the offer, but cannot do it due to my principles, but I'll see him at the wedding.

Edited by Magus
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Ironically, the General Conference speaker who used this appears not to have quite understood Elder Packer's usage. Elder Packer's point was that Church leaders should face the people, listening and giving voice to what the First Presidency and Quorum of Twelve say, rather than face the Church leaders and give feedback from the Church membership to the leaders, instructing them how to lead better.

 

I'm not, necessarily, referring to the talk. It just seemed to me that the question, itself, is at the core of the OP question. The answer to the facing question does not necessarily give a concrete solution. But it could, I believe, help someone reason through the answer to the issue.

 

The answer to the facing question should be that we ALL stand for and represent Christ to others, and not the other way around. Therefore, it strikes me, the answer to the question of whether to attend a gay wedding or not needs to center on this idea. Are we representing Christ, standing for Him, and concerned with Him and His will in our decision, or are we representing our friends, our families, and others, and trying to excuse our behavior under some guise of Christ-like behavior that may not actually be representative of Him at all?

 

As has been discussed in the other thread, I think we all agree to a point that the Spirit might guide one to attend said wedding, and that there is no hard yes/no answer (though I, personally, believe there is a hard answer that, like the Spirit commanding someone to kill another, might have exceptions). But the points made about losing friendship or offending are not really valid if this first answer is not solidly understood. We face the way we face, regardless of offense, lost friends, broken family, etc. Within the unalterable, solid, determined stance to always face the right direction we can get into variables of specific actions.

 

The position must be held first: I stand for God. Period. End of story. After that the specific choice(s) can be considered.

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Ironically, the General Conference speaker who used this appears not to have quite understood Elder Packer's usage. Elder Packer's point was that Church leaders should face the people, listening and giving voice to what the First Presidency and Quorum of Twelve say, rather than face the Church leaders and give feedback from the Church membership to the leaders, instructing them how to lead better.

 

Incidentally, I think that Elder Robbin's interpretation of the idea is spot on and that he understood perfectly well. There is a translation of a literal idea to a figurative one, sure. But is that not, for the most part, the sum of all scripture?

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It is an invalid argument when comparing gay marriage to pedophilia or other depraved acts. There are real homosexuals you know. They do really exist. They are real people. In this case, the OP is talking about his BEST friend. Someone they know well now getting married. Not some pervert asking for a certificate of debauchery.

 

You can argue against the homosexual act. You can a argue against homosexual political activism. But you cannot deny a person being a person.

 

This thread quickly repeated the last. It isn't good enough to tell someone they need to "pray", "read the scriptures", "listen to the Spirit". Those answers may be just as valid as they are in Sunday School but it is naive to assume the person has somehow fallen short in having already sought that path.

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It is an invalid argument when comparing gay marriage to pedophilia or other depraved acts. There are real homosexuals you know. They do really exist. They are real people. In this case, the OP is talking about his BEST friend. Someone they know well now getting married. Not some pervert asking for a certificate of debauchery.

 

With all due respect, there are also real pedophiles you know.  They really do exist.  They are real people.  I've met them, I've worked with them, I've wept and prayed with them.

 

The point is not that people who are attracted to people of the same gender--or to adolescents--are less human than anyone else.  It is that they are just as human as anyone else--but we still aren't "bigoted" or "intolerant" or "bad friends" if we refuse to support those of their actions we consider to be morally reprehensible.

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I did say that my comparisons weren't exact - I was just trying to show the principle of not participating in something that is directly against God's law - and regardless of how much you or I sympathize with gays, the humanity of what they feel and are going through, etc etc - gay marriage is against God's law and is, quite frankly, an abomination.

 

Some of you, I understand, seem to be uncomfortable with that.

 

Fornicating is also very human and I can be sympathetic to people who have sex before marriage, whether for love or just for the pleasure of it - but all of that is still sin, wrong, and - there's that word again - an abomination.

 

And if the word "abomination" makes you uncomfortable - this is God's langauge, not mine. In just the same way that Martin Harris was a "wicked" man, per the D&C.

 

Anyway, I'm not judging anyone for whatever decision they make. I personally disagree with the idea of being his best man. It's not what I would do. If he goes and does it, it's for his own reasons based on his own rationale.

 

As far as comparing homosexuality to pedophila or other depraved acts - i think it depends on how one arrives at it. There are some people have only known homosexuality their whole lives. There are other people who arrive at it through "burning in their lust," which is the scriptural way of saying "perversion," and all perversion shares common roots.

 

As far as "perverts asking for a certificate of debauchery," I think that's pretty much what a permit to have gay pride parades is, if you look at many of those parades and the kinds of things they often show.

Edited by Magus
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This thread quickly repeated the last. It isn't good enough to tell someone they need to "pray", "read the scriptures", "listen to the Spirit". Those answers may be just as valid as they are in Sunday School but it is naive to assume the person has somehow fallen short in having already sought that path.

 

Is it really naive to assume that a person may not have prayed or prayed enough?  

 

I think it would be naive to assume that a person that we don't know HAS prayed and studied the scriptures... We don't live in a world that tends to put much value on prayer or the scriptures...  Hopefully anyone with questions HAS prayed and studied... but I doubt that is even a given with many people who profess to know Christ... And recommending prayer and scripture study is still good advice even if someone already has done some praying and studying...  

 

As for the third thing "listen to the Spirit" ... that's why we do the other two when we have a questions that arise in life..  otherwise we might not be able to hear and understand what the Spirit is saying to us...  

 

 

For myself, I know that I need this advice all the time... Of course I do know already that I'm supposed to pray and study things out and listen for the Spirit to whisper...  But do I really put all my heart into my study and prayers?  Or could I do a little better.. maybe with a little more practice and effort... If I'm supposed to be studying, praying and receiving clear answers all the time then I KNOW that I still have quite a bit of improving to do ... 

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It is an invalid argument when comparing gay marriage to pedophilia or other depraved acts. There are real homosexuals you know. They do really exist. They are real people. In this case, the OP is talking about his BEST friend. Someone they know well now getting married. Not some pervert asking for a certificate of debauchery.

 

You can argue against the homosexual act. You can a argue against homosexual political activism. But you cannot deny a person being a person.

 

This thread quickly repeated the last. It isn't good enough to tell someone they need to "pray", "read the scriptures", "listen to the Spirit". Those answers may be just as valid as they are in Sunday School but it is naive to assume the person has somehow fallen short in having already sought that path.

But if someone has actually sought an answer from our Heavenly Father, why are they asking strangers on the Internet?

I suspect that a lot of the time people post these kinds of questions is because they are seeking validation of a decision they have already made. As though some stranger on the Internet giving their approval automatically makes it okay...whatever "it" is. Because you are guaranteed - no matter what the question or the church's teaching - you are going to find someone that says it is okay.

If the decision has been made, why not turn to the Lord for confirmation instead of the Internet?

I think that being in the wedding party of a gay wedding is a whole other level of support as opposed to being a guest. And that is all I am going to say about that as I don't really care to engage in the condemnation from members of the church who would call me bigoted or un-Christlike. It's getting to be more and more that members of the church are no different from the rest of the world in being intolerant of those who have a more conservative or different viewpoint than theirs....even when those viewpoints are in line with the Gospel, with church teachings, or the guidance of our prophets and leaders.

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My personal feeling is that participating in a gay wedding is...in fact....participating in a gay wedding. To draw a parallel, if your best friend wants you to play a piviotal role in some debauched frat party in his honor, do you do it just because he's your best friend? If your best friend is part of some racist organization and he's getting an award from it, and he wants you to present it to him because "it means a lot" to him, do you do it?

 

This is not to demonize him for being gay. I think homosexuaity is a pretty human experience, and so the parallels aren't going to be totally exact.

 

Not exact is an under statement......

 

But would Jesus be the best man at a gay wedding? Or Thomas Monson? Honest, open question I'm postulating, I realize some of you may have different answers, but it's something to think about.

 

Jesus, for sure but if Jesus were there he might not be marrying another guy.

T. Monson who knows I have no idea what his politics are on the subject

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I think that being in the wedding party of a gay wedding is a whole other level of support as opposed to being a guest. And that is all I am going to say about that as I don't really care to engage in the condemnation from members of the church who would call me bigoted or un-Christlike. It's getting to be more and more that members of the church are no different from the rest of the world in being intolerant of those who have a more conservative or different viewpoint than theirs....even when those viewpoints are in line with the Gospel, with church teachings, or the guidance of our prophets and leaders.

 

I agree with the rest of your post as well, but I wanted to particularly emphasize my agreement with this part of it.

 

As members of the Church, we should strive to avoid contention. Especially with each other. I don't care if it's conservative disagreeing with liberals or liberals disagreeing with conservatives - I think we all need to make an effort to curb our online snarkiness with each other. I mentioned this elsewhere, recently, but there was a time I came here (quite awhile ago) with some points of view I wanted sincere feedback on, and it quickly devolved into a rather snarky and somewhat disrespectful internet debate, probably because people were feeling defensive with what I said and misunderstood me, and as someone else has said, they were probably thinking about how to respond, not how to listen. It turned me off and I left the community for quite awhile. I face enough condemnation from the world for my religious/political views, get called a bigot for it, etc etc. Or I get called a cult member for being a Mormon. The last thing I want when I come to a Mormon community is to face more condemnation, judgmentalism or internet snark from other members, when we are supposed to be One, as Jesus prayed for in Gethsemane. Despite whatever our views or differences are, we are supposed to be One. Brothers and Sisters. We are supposed to be, ultimately, strengthening each other and showing love, even if we disagree on things.

 

If any place on the internet should have a different culture from all the snark, the back-biting, the contention and negativity - it should be and LDS forum. Otherwise, we're just like everybody else.

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Not exact is an under statement......

Jesus, for sure but if Jesus were there he might not be marrying another guy.

T. Monson who knows I have no idea what his politics are on the subject

 

How else would you show the principle I was trying to show?

 

I respect your opinion about Jesus being best man at a gay wedding. I'm strongly inclined to disagree. Maybe I'm wrong, or maybe there's an exceptional circumstance in which He would do it - but my point of view is based on the idea that you can show love for someone without participating in what they are doing.

 

Objectively speaking, I certainly don't think it's a slam-dunk conclusion that Jesus "for sure" would be his best man.

Edited by Magus
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