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My wedding day is in a week and I am freaking out. I feel so lost and confused. I feel hopeless. 

 

Last year during this time I was dating a boy who I was absolutely crazy about. I thought he was the one. I thought he was the answers to my prayers. But things went sour and he broke up with me because I didn't serve a mission. I was completely crushed. My confidence was gone. So I went home for the summer to heal. I remember praying to Heavenly Father that he would send me someone to marry. A week later I met Kyle. Kyle wasn't necessarily my type. But I ended up going out with him anyways. I honestly thought he would just be a summer fling. But as the time went on, and summer ended I still liked him. It took me about a month to decide to whether I wanted to date him exclusively. I had a hard time letting go of my "type." But I decided I had nothing to lose so I went for it. A few weeks later I was diagnosis with a horrible illness. During this time I was devastated. But Kyle was completely there for me. He treated me like I was god's gift to this earth. I have never felt so whole. Fast forward a few months.. we started talking about marriage. At first I was really excited. But soon after my feelings changed to nerves. I had no reason to be nervous. He had no signs of red flags.I'm just a constant thinker. I over analyze everything. I kept thinking, "well what if there's someone else out there for me? Someone more my 'type'?" At this point I was praying and fasting and I felt like I received good impressions. Yet I was still hesitant and nervous. Anyways, one night out of the blue he asked me to marry him. I was completely shocked. I wasn't ready. But I said yes anyways because I felt like I received answers. 

 

Our engagement has been so difficult. Some days I feel confident in my choice, and other days I feel very scared. I have had several anxiety attacks. He has been uptight and insecure (because he knows that I've been so back and forth about marrying him.) I feel so stressed out. All the time. He keeps picking fights with me over the little things. Like what birth control to use. I am a very tender hearted person so these fights are making my nerves worst. I have called the wedding planning off two times. I honestly don't know what to think anymore. His temper frightens me. I went to conference asking Heavenly Father to give me reassurance that this was right. The first talk of the session was Bednar's talk on fear. I felt so at peace and I wrote in my journal that I marrying Kyle was the best choice I could make. A few weeks later we had another big fight. Afterwards I was having so many doubts. We went to the park and I told Kyle my concerns. He told me this was normal and asked a lady at the park about her engagement. She described a story almost identical to ours. I felt like that was Heavenly Father giving me reassurance again. 

 

The other day we got in another huge fight over something so small. He is very high strung. I feel so hopeless and terrified. After every fight he is very apologetic, and says he will try to do better. And I want to believe him. He is very spiritual. But I am just WORRIED. I can't keep doing this. I literally don't know what to do. The wedding is in a week. It is hard to feel excited when I feel so down. He tells me to follow the promoting I received in the beginning. I don't know what to think. Would Heavenly Father give me peace about our relationship if it wasn't right? Did his answer change? Is it just Satan? Will this go away after we get married? I feel paralyzed. Moving forward doesn't feel good. Breaking up doesn't feel good. I feel empty. Someone, anyone please help me. 

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The idea that marriage solves everything is bunk.

 

You will still struggle with the same things until the both of you learn and grow to deal with them.

 

You could break it off and hope to find someone else.... but all that will do is change what things you struggle about.  It will not remove the need to learn and grow.

 

So need to ask yourself what set of struggles does the Lord want you to learn to over come and are you willing to do so?

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I agree with Omega.

You have some growing up to do still. Call it off. It's better to spend a few weeks in pain than a lifetime.

And, once you get off this roller coaster, try to learn what Marriage and Love is truly about. Heavenly Father is not going to "give you" your husband. He gave you free will so you can choose your husband. Love doesn't just fall in your lap like a Christmas present tied in pretty ribbons. Love is an action word. Love is a DECISION. You DECIDE every single day that your husband is the man for you. You DECIDE in one moment a decision that will change the course of your entire lifetime. You DECIDE that if Chris Hemsworth - or any guy more handsome, more caring, more loving than your husband - ever so happen to see you, profess his undying love to you, and promise to give you the world's riches if you would just leave your husband to marry him, you will know to say, "Sorry, Chris, you're a wonderful guy and all, but I married my husband. And I have pledged to God that I will love and honor my husband not only for the rest of our mortal lives but throughout eternity even if he scratches his butt in public and snores loudly in his sleep and can't remember my birthday and will never be able to buy me a decent second-hand Toyota let alone a gleaming red Porsche. I hope you find the girl that will pledge her love to you like I have to my husband."

Now, if you can't do that to this guy... you need to do the right thing and walk away.

Edited by anatess

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This is the $0.02 advice from some random stranger on the internet, take it or leave it.  I’m also kind of blunt…

 

Step 1) Take a deep breath.  You’re freaking out right now and your judgment go sckitzo. 

Step 2) Say a prayer.  Not for answers “is he the one”, but simply for peace and calm.  

Step 3)  Wait and listen for that peace. 

Step 4)  Ditch any notions of “type” or “soul-mates”: there’s no such thing. There’s only people whom fall in love and convent to be with each other.  All you’re doing by comparing Kyle to some hypothetical “soul-mate” is selling him short.  Judge him as him, no one else. 

 

I’m not going to tell you whether or not you should marry this dude, because I have no idea.  But from your post, your personal emotional state seems to be a house built upon very shifty sands, and like you already have one foot out the door of your relationship.  That will not magically change 7 days for now.  My 100% armchair advice is that you need to work taming your general anxiety, through counseling, yoga, or whatever.   Maybe waiting a while before getting married will be a good thing for you.  (Again, I don’t know anything for sure).

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If you're not contemplating your coming wedding with joy and excitement, something is wrong. And most of the time there is nothing too wrong with over analysing a situation (other than the lost time it takes, and the stress and confusion it can generate) as long as you then humbly, sincerely and faithfully seek for divine confirmation of whatever conclusion you come to, and are willing to abandon that conclusion if no divine confirmation is forthcoming. 

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My 2 cents also.

 

The decision to marry or not to marry, to postpone, to call it off or to continue is first and foremost your decision. It is something that you must take charge of and own and then ask God to let you know if it is a good choice or a bad choice. 

 

I will say dumping you because you didn't serve a mission is a lame excuse; women are not commanded to serve missions unlike men of the priesthood.

 

If you are young (an assumption on my part), marriage is all about fluffiness, and the right type, infatuation, etc.  True marriage and love is much more.  2 people can be extremely different or extremely similar and they can still make great marriages. If both individuals are striving to live the gospel the best they can, are temple worthy and put God first than they can almost always make it work . . . some marriages are easier than other, but then again some people are easier to get along with then others (sometimes the person that is hard to get along with is ourselves!).  If you think the grass is greener . . .well as many divorced individuals here can tell you you simply trade one set of problems for another set of problems.  Every person you contemplate marrying will have issues, some issues will be easier for you to deal with than others.

 

Questions to ask, does he love you? And I don't mean in a superficial way, but when the chips are down do you believe you can count on him. Because I can guarantee you, life will throw some massive curveballs your way. Can you count on him to have your back? Will he support you and help you in your daily struggles?  See the video below for what true love is:

 

 

Do you love him? Can you provide the same support to him in his struggles.

 

Who are you most like (your mom or your dad)? Who is he most like (mom or dad)? For some interesting reason, most people end up marrying someone similar to one of their parents . . . and when you are 30+ you'll say "oh my goodness I'm just like my xyz".

 

Lots of other questions can be asked . . . but if you really want to figure out a good bit of marriage before getting married, read The Five Love Languages and Getting the Love you want.

 

Ultimately it is your choice, as one of the Apostles said Choose your love and then love your choice.  I wish you the best of luck.

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All I have to go on is what you are saying, which is colored by your emotions at the moment, but assiming that isn't distorting the story I would say add me to the don't do it chorus, at least don't do it now. 

 

You've been praying about this and you still have so much fear and doubt, that sounds to me like you have NOT recieved any kind of answer from God but tried to make his proposal into one in your mind for whatever reason.

 

You can't assume that his asking when he did was some kind of answer if there was no confirmation from the spirit.  When you feel a conviction, a calm surity that removes fear and doubt and fills you with faith in the future and give you the courage to take a leap of faith, that is an answer from God.  Is there any point where you felt that about marrying him?  If you don't have that kind of experience to fall back on where you can say you know it was right to marry him then you will find it very hard to get through the rough spots of marriage without getting to a point where you think you made a mistake.

Perhaps you'll get that answer about him later on, but don't you dare marry somebody because you feel obligated to because of all the plans made and money spent, or because you expect it to fix something in you life, or because you've made some calculation that it is the smart thing to do.  That would be a terrible thing to put a guy through. Don't turn him into a 'settle for' husband or to put use him to get something you want.

 

When you prayed, did you go to the Lord with a specific decision that you would marry him and ask for confirmation?  You can't just ask God to tell you what to do, tell Him what YOU intend to do and why, then get His input.  Perhaps turn it around and ask if it would be right to NOT marry him.

 

You don't have to cast him aside, just tell him you need more time, because from the sound of it you really do.

Edited by Latter-Day Marriage

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Of course my response is only knowing what you are telling and not hearing his point in the matter. But, if what you state is fact, then....

 

His temper frightens you... GET OUT NOW!

 

You feel hopeless and terrifeid... GET OUT NOW!

 

If you are so frightened of this man that you are having panic attacks, that is not a good sign. This is someone you will spend the rest of your life and eternity with if sealed. Why would you want to live like that. It will NOT get better by getting married.

 

If he is picking fights with you now... they will be worse when you get married. They won't just disappear!

 

Abusive people normally will be VERY apologetic after they pick the fight or abuse a person. Don't let that fool you.

 

It sounds like you both need to grow up a little and/or get into counseling.

 

Praying you make the right decision.

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Ophelia, you are new here, so you don't really know these people who have responded to your question. But I've been reading their posts and watching their discussions for several months now, and I can tell you that they are strongly rooted in the gospel with excellent insights into a broad range of matters, and their responses to your question are well worth listening to.

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Cancel the wedding. You can always plan another one. Get premarital counseling. What you're feeling is more than jitters and it needs to be sorted out.

 

I would agree 100% that what you're (the OP) feeling is much more than pre-wedding-jitters.  There are some serious red flags going on.

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Your situation raises a lot of red flags. Why rush into a contract for eternity? The church has a great marriage preparation manual. I would call off the wedding, go to the temple...if you do not have a recommend that would be a great next project, lds counselling - just for yourself, would be a great step. Have you talked to your bishop? Some elderly ladies in the ward? Elderly ladies in the church are a great source of wisdom. Good luck!

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I am not going to mince words. If what you have said is true, your boyfriend is acting dumber than a bag of hammers. He is messing with your mind. NOBODY should EVER fear their boyfriend or spouse, EVER!!!! My advice to you is to dump this guy like the garbage he is and NEVER, EVER, EVER look back. You deserve so much better. You are spiritual royalty, a child of God, and you have the right to be treated as such.

When you pray tonight, ask Heavenly Father how he treats your Heavenly Mother. Take some time to listen and really feel what the Spirit tells you. I am certain that fear, confusion, anger, etc, have no part in a celestial relationship. It will be marked with charity, peace, selflessness, kindness, calm, oneness, happiness, joy, patience, etc. Find a man that emulates those traits. Don't look for perfection, but do look for real, honest worthiness.

If you are living worthily and striving to keep the Spirit in your life, the Lord will bring an honorable Priesthood holder to you in this life or the next.

Do not marry this jerk. Don't. Don't go back to him. After you dump him get counseling immediately. If you can't afford it, talk to the Bishop.

...and remember to still smile even if you don't want to. Smiles help...

:-)

...see? It works.

Edited by Str8Shooter

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So after calming down I must apologize.  Some of my comments were not very nice.

 

Hearing about how some cowards treat women just gets me all fired up.  It is one of the things that I have no tolerance for whatsoever.  The only time anyone should yell is if someone is in danger or someone can't hear what is being said.

 

I hate angry, frustrated yelling.  It's almost like God placed enmity in me to hate things like that.

 

Here is advice for everyone:  Yelling is a very bad sign.  Go to the temple, pay attention to the endowment and think about where yelling comes from.  It is not normal.  It is not okay.  It is not healthy.  At any time and without warning it can suddenly start the beginning of the end.

 

....and ending with happy thoughts........deep breathing.........and smiles......  :-)

 

Okay.  I am better now.  Thank you coping skills.

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Hearing about how some cowards treat women just gets me all fired up.  It is one of the things that I have no tolerance for whatsoever.

 

So who was the cowardly woman-mistreater, again? I somehow missed that.

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So who was the cowardly woman-mistreater, again? I somehow missed that.

 

 

Ugh.  Again, I must apologize.  You didn't miss it because it's not really there.  When I see the words, "His temper frightens me." it pushes my "how dare you treat a woman that way" button and irrational thinking soon follows.  I guess kind of like when someone calls Marty McFly a chicken.  In my opinion, "Are you chivalrous to your wife and other women?" should be a temple recommend question.

 

It's a sensitive topic for me and I probably should have bowed out before I even touched the keyboard.  My wife's previous husband (an RM) made her ride a bike to work and he would take the car to school....even though she was pregnant.  That is just one example.  He eventually abandoned her and their two kids, literally.  Luckily for us (my wife and me) he signed away is parental rights in a letter and I was blessed to adopt her kids.

 

My wife tells me there were small but sure signs of potential issues before her and her ex got sealed, but she went ahead anyway.  The result was intense suffering and heartache.

 

I think I am reading way to much into the "temper" thing, but when fright is involved it's usually a pretty good sign of bad, bad things.  However it is an assumption on my part, and it is wrong of me to assume that.

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Not gonna comment on whether I think the marriage should proceed or not, because I don't know enough about the situation to even form an opinion, let alone be confident enough to say what should happen.

 

But I did want to toss in a 2 cent thought... People are reacting here to one side of the story.  Frankly, in reading between the lines I'm rather sympathetic to the boyfriend.  I can understand completely why he'd be frustrated and sensitive.  He's trying to look forward to his wedding to a woman he loves, and he probably feels like a yo-yo... Up and down, up and down... Wedding's, on, wedding's off wedding's on, wedding's off.  I'd probably have a short fuse too at this point.

 

I bet he wakes up every morning dreading the possibility that today, the wedding will be called off yet again, and he'll have to play the patient, longsuffering fiancee' who must, at this point, feel like if she really wanted to be with him this problem wouldn't keep popping up.

 

If I were in his shoes, I'd probably have at least postponed the wedding if not canceled it outright just because by now his emotions must be worn thin.  I mean, think about it.  He heard the news about his horrible illness and stayed with her and continued loving her.  Does that entitle him to be loved back?  Well no it doesn't, but some part of him must be feeling a little under appreciated here.

 

I dunno that's all I've go really... Just sad to see people joining the bandwagon that characterized him as an antisocial abuser.  Remember, folks... We've only heard one side.

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Do what your heart says . I would say marriage is  not the ultimate solution to get rid of problems rather it will increase problems if not sorted initially. So talk with the people who are close to you may be they could guide you better.

Edited by thomascrawford

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