Decided to pray to God to change my mind

[EragonPaolini]

Over 3 years ago, I found out that when men are in relationships, they are still attracted to other women.  This bothers me so much that I have decided to stay single for life.  However, I do want to be in a relationship.  Yesterday I had the idea that maybe I should pray to God about it.  After all, He created men the way they were AND he calls us to marriage.  I am praying that He will change my mind so that when I think about the fact that men are still going to be attracted to other women, I no longer see it as perverse and immoral.  I would like to see it as a normal and acceptable thing as other women do.  This is the 2nd day I have prayed about it.  I believe God is the only one who can help because I have already heard all the arguments why attraction to others is okay and I still feel like it is a terrible and inappropriate thing.

[Guest]

The attraction isn't a problem, it's the choice of whether to keep looking, thinking, or doing something about it. 

 

Do you think that once you get married, you'll never find another man handsome? 

[pam]

When you get married it doesn't change everyone of the opposite sex into an ugly person.  You can still find someone attractive. But as Eowyn mentioned, it's what you do to follow up on that.

[Jane_Doe]

Over 3 years ago, I found out that when men are in relationships, they are still attracted to other women.  This bothers me so much that I have decided to stay single for life.  However, I do want to be in a relationship.  Yesterday I had the idea that maybe I should pray to God about it.  After all, He created men the way they were AND he calls us to marriage.  I am praying that He will change my mind so that when I think about the fact that men are still going to be attracted to other women, I no longer see it as perverse and immoral.  I would like to see it as a normal and acceptable thing as other women do.  This is the 2nd day I have prayed about it.  I believe God is the only one who can help because I have already heard all the arguments why attraction to others is okay and I still feel like it is a terrible and inappropriate thing.

 

It is good to pray to God when we have questions/concerns/disires/anything else.  Great for you to take that noble step forward.

[askandanswer]

As long as any future husband/partner is attracted more to you than he is to anyone else, his attraction to others shouldn't be too much of a problem.

[Crypto]

I've heard from multiple women how they have been / are [implies will be] attracted to multiple men at once. It goes both ways.

Even if men don't say so, such thoughts worry them as well.

[Palerider]

Temptation is real for all people ...... The problems occur when we act on those temptations.

[Traveler]

Over 3 years ago, I found out that when men are in relationships, they are still attracted to other women.  This bothers me so much that I have decided to stay single for life.  However, I do want to be in a relationship.  Yesterday I had the idea that maybe I should pray to God about it.  After all, He created men the way they were AND he calls us to marriage.  I am praying that He will change my mind so that when I think about the fact that men are still going to be attracted to other women, I no longer see it as perverse and immoral.  I would like to see it as a normal and acceptable thing as other women do.  This is the 2nd day I have prayed about it.  I believe God is the only one who can help because I have already heard all the arguments why attraction to others is okay and I still feel like it is a terrible and inappropriate thing.

 

In the scientific world we define intelligence as the ability to learn and modify behavior.   I am not sure what you mean as that you have heard all the arguments and "feel".  This tells me that you lack the intelligence to learn?????  I think you may need more help than prayer.  G-d gives us agency or the ability to make choices.  If you cannot learn from your choices something more than prayer is needed.

[The Folk Prophet]

I'm so tempted to introduce a discussion of plural marriage into this thread..but I won't...

 

...oh....whoops!

 

[EarlJibbs]

This makes men seem so vile. Although men and women are different in a lot of ways, the fact is that when you get married, there is no magic switch to turn off who you are. This works both ways though. I have no doubt that my wife thinks other men are handsome or is attracted to certain aspects of men. Although those aspects may be different than what a man would think as attractive, it still exists. 

 

I wish you luck in overcoming this feeling of distrust of men in general. I think you are on the right path in praying for assistance. If I have learned anything about our Father in Heaven though, it is that he cannot change our minds, but he can give us answers that we can decide to accept or not. 

[Sojourn]

When I was growing up and fell in love with surfing at the age of ten that love carried through my hormone years.  I learned and believed as gospel that God NEVER made a girl as exciting as a 6 foot wave.  When you get married and put that same kind of devotion into your wife as a surfer does into surfing and a pretty girl catches your eye you will find yourself saying, “She’s pretty, but she’s not as exciting as a 6 foot wave.” Problem solved.

 

Oh. You live in the desert? Good luck.

[mdfxdb]

Over 3 years ago, I found out that when men are in relationships, they are still attracted to other women.  This bothers me so much that I have decided to stay single for life.  However, I do want to be in a relationship.  Yesterday I had the idea that maybe I should pray to God about it.  After all, He created men the way they were AND he calls us to marriage.  I am praying that He will change my mind so that when I think about the fact that men are still going to be attracted to other women, I no longer see it as perverse and immoral.  I would like to see it as a normal and acceptable thing as other women do.  This is the 2nd day I have prayed about it.  I believe God is the only one who can help because I have already heard all the arguments why attraction to others is okay and I still feel like it is a terrible and inappropriate thing.

Prayer is good.  You should also seek professional help.

[EragonPaolini]

Just to be clear, I do find other men handsome when I am in a relationship, but I am not attracted to them.  For me thinking someone is good looking is different from being attracted to them.  My male cousin and father are good looking, but I'm not attracted to them!  Also, I'm straight, but I think many women are very beautiful.  I have never been attracted to another man before while being in a relationship.  In fact, from when I was young, if I saw a TV show with 2 handsome guys, my brain immediately chose one to experience attraction towards.  When I'm single and I see an interview of a handsome actor, I get a rush out of it.  However, if I see an interview of that same actor when I'm in a relationship, I feel nothing at all.  Sure, I can still see that he is handsome, but I don't feel any attraction - I'm not even trying to suppress it - it just doesn't come up at all.

[Jane_Doe]

Just to be clear, I do find other men handsome when I am in a relationship, but I am not attracted to them.  For me thinking someone is good looking is different from being attracted to them.  My male cousin and father are good looking, but I'm not attracted to them!  Also, I'm straight, but I think many women are very beautiful.  I have never been attracted to another man before while being in a relationship.  In fact, from when I was young, if I saw a TV show with 2 handsome guys, my brain immediately chose one to experience attraction towards.  When I'm single and I see an interview of a handsome actor, I get a rush out of it.  However, if I see an interview of that same actor when I'm in a relationship, I feel nothing at all.  Sure, I can still see that he is handsome, but I don't feel any attraction - I'm not even trying to suppress it - it just doesn't come up at all.

 

 

I would say that your definitions of "attractive" is slightly different than most people.  This is not a bad thing, but can help sort things out here--

 

Eragon "attractive":          someone who looks good and I get a rush from seeing them.

Most people "attractive": someone who looks good.  

 

Being in a relationship doesn't mean you're blind- you still notice that people are good looking.  Most people would say that this meanings you're "attracted to them".   However Eragon, you do not say that because you're definition of "attracted" includes the feeling the rush-giddy-happy-dance.  

 

I think most people would agree that you shouldn't be doing the rush-giddy-happy-dance for random people when you're in a relationship.  Jesus Himself even said that if a married person is dwelling on dirty thoughts of someone else, then that man is an adulterer.

 

 

Speaking from my personal life, the guy who was my Best Man is very attractive: he's good looking, funny, and we share a lot of interests.  But does that mean I'm going to date him?  Heck NO!!!!!  I have the most amazing husband in the world and the Best Man totally does not compare.

 

*Edited for simplicity

Edited May 12, 2015 by Jane_Doe

[EragonPaolini]

Hey Jane, yes it seems like when I have brought this topic in the past at first people get confused and think I mean simply observing that someone is good looking.  Sadly, what I have learned through talking to men that I respected such as my father and other upstanding members of society, is that men DO get a rush out of walking past a beautiful woman or a woman who is wearing a low-cut blouse for example.  I have also read about this in books and studies written by Christian men and women confirming that this is something that men naturally feel.  Apparently, this only lasts a split second and then the man forgets about it.  However, to me it is unacceptable that a man who already has a girlfriend or wife would expend sensual energy towards someone other than his partner by being attracted to her.

 

I think it's wonderful that you are very devoted to your husband, Jane :)  It is touching to hear.  Similarly when I was in a relationship with my ex boyfriend Lukasz, once we were sitting at the launderette and a guy walked in.  I thought to myself, "Wow!  He is extremely handsome, he could be a model.  Geez, I haven't seen such a good looking man in who knows how long!"  However, I did not experience any attraction whatsoever.  I simply observed that he was good looking and I did not feel any differently than I would have felt if it had been an extremely beautiful woman.  There was no sensual pleasure or rush in seeing the guy, whereas if I had been single, I promise you I would have felt thrilled to be in that guy's vicinity.

 

I truly wish I had never found this information out about men because I would have loved to date and get married.  I wish I could have continued in blissful ignorance, thinking that like me, a man in a relationship with me could see extremely beautiful women all day long without feeling a thing other than objectively noticing their beauty.  If I could press a button to make myself forget about this information, I would do it.  I wonder if Heavenly Father will make me wake up one day and not be bothered any more.  I have talked to other women about this and they said, "That's just how men are."  They have told me they just laugh about it knowing that their partners like the sight of a woman in a miniskirt.  And these were upstanding women too, including a policewoman and the manager of a charity.  In fact, before I joined the Church of LDS, I spoke to the reverend at the Church of England about this and she told me my views were very unusual and extreme.  She said there is nothing wrong with feeling some sort of way towards another person as long as you don't act on it.  Most people seem to think this way but for me the idea of having a boyfriend/husband who feels attraction even for a second is just so perverse, so deviant!  How I wish I was OK with this just like most women are.......

[Vort]

Honestly, you might as well be disgusted by the fact that men exhale carbon dioxide or grow hair on their faces. Unlike those things, the response to an attractive woman is at least partially within the man's control, and is to a large extent influenced by the society in which they were brought up. But if you find the reality of human beings that distressing, having a mature and intimate relationship with someone is probably going to be beyond your ken.

 

I am guessing you are quite young. If this is true, you should probably not worry much about this and just give yourself time to gain experience and adjust to the realities of human beings. They are amazing creatures who, at their best, resemble God, even if they have morning breath and poop daily. This is as true for men as it is for women.

[Jamie123]

...even if they have morning breath and poop daily. This is as true for men as it is for women.

 

Really Vort - you do surprise me!

[EarlJibbs]

So we are to take it that all men are simply lustful pigs? I had a higher opinion of myself I guess. 

 

Although I have to make a conscious decision sometimes to look the other way (sometimes well in advance) when a scandalously dressed pretty woman walks my way, or even a modestly dressed beautiful woman, I don't think it makes me any less worthy of a child of God. I recognize the want. And yes, like others, I do have to be careful so that I do not have lustful eyes.  I think what you feel you are stumbling upon is a well known fact about the natural man, welcome to life.

 

And not exclusively talking about men, but women also, can you now possibly understand why so many marriages fail and why pornography is such a plague. Why on earth would a happily married person view such vile images or cheat on their loved ones unless there was a strong emotion within us to do so? We all must be vigilant, which means recognizing the truth, that most people see or think things they wish they hadn't, try to fix it and prevent it in the future and repent and move on. 

 

I am happy that you seem to find it so easy, and I imagine that many people wish they were blessed with such a powerful hold on their emotions. It now seems that your struggle might be accepting that others do not find it so easy. 

[mdfxdb]

I spoke to the reverend at the Church of England about this and she told me my views were very unusual and extreme.  She said there is nothing wrong with feeling some sort of way towards another person as long as you don't act on it.  Most people seem to think this way but for me the idea of having a boyfriend/husband who feels attraction even for a second is just so perverse, so deviant!  How I wish I was OK with this just like most women are.......

The reverend was right.  You are out of bounds in your expectations.  

[EragonPaolini]

Hi I am 26 years old.  No I do not think that men are lustful pigs especially Christian men, all the men whom I have seen at church seem to be very humble and good people.  I totally see that this is a biological thing and that men (and some women) can't help it.  I'm not blaming men since I know they don't feel this way intentionally but to me if I am with a man and he is attracted to another woman, he might as well be sleeping with another woman because he has already crossed the threshold and stepped out of bounds anyways.  I cannot imagine myself getting married because to me a man is not being true to me if he feels a spark or electricity towards another woman.

 

Don't get me wrong, I wish that this issue didn't bother me.  It makes me sad knowing that I will never be able to be close to a man or have that warm feeling inside when you are in a relationship with someone.  However I think what I have to do is just get used to it since this is how I feel and I don't seem to be able to overcome this issue as much as I would like to.  I am still waiting for someone to wake me up from this nightmare in which people are attracted to others while in a relationship.

[Vort]

Hi I am 26 years old.  No I do not think that men are lustful pigs especially Christian men, all the men whom I have seen at church seem to be very humble and good people.  I totally see that this is a biological thing and that men (and some women) can't help it.  I'm not blaming men since I know they don't feel this way intentionally but to me if I am with a man and he is attracted to another woman, he might as well be sleeping with another woman because he has already crossed the threshold and stepped out of bounds anyways.  I cannot imagine myself getting married because to me a man is not being true to me if he feels a spark or electricity towards another woman.

 

Don't get me wrong, I wish that this issue didn't bother me.  It makes me sad knowing that I will never be able to be close to a man or have that warm feeling inside when you are in a relationship with someone.  However I think what I have to do is just get used to it since this is how I feel and I don't seem to be able to overcome this issue as much as I would like to.  I am still waiting for someone to wake me up from this nightmare in which people are attracted to others while in a relationship.

 

This is simply a matter of degree. Would it bother you if your husband or fiance felt charitable goodwill toward a woman in the ward? Say he wanted to help her out with some household plumbing problem she was having? Probably not. (If so, then you really do have some serious issues.)

 

There is an appropriate way of caring about others. The Greeks famously recognized four different kinds of "love":

• ἀγάπη (agape), the charitable love of brothers for their siblings and the love between God and man
• ἔρως (eros): the romantic love between spouses or lovers, with a heavy dose of sexual attraction
• φιλία (philia): friendship, affection between people who are equals
• στοργή (storge): affection of a parent toward a child, involving love and caring despite having to put up with problems

This is all well and good as far as it goes.In human beings, however, there is no clear demarcation between this type of caring and that type. I feel eros toward my wife, but I also feel philia and (we hope) plenty of agape, and surely at times storge. You will probably (we hope) never view your children with an eye of eros, but that doesn't mean that emotion does not make up part of your feelings toward and about them. The four "types of love" listed above are in reality four peaks of the same underlying mountain.

 

For that matter, why should we believe that the Greek view of love is the last word? Perhaps there are eleven types of love, or a thousand. Perhaps your love for every individual is utterly unique in its constitution. How do you even quantify such things?

 

It sounds like you are saying that if your husband or fiance ever regards another woman with any amount of eros, he is being unfaithful to you. I think this is a vastly oversimplified view that disregards the complexity of human emotion and makes us (both men and women) into objects rather than the children of God that we are.

 

I think that, at 26, you are old enough to start taking positive steps to change your outlook on such things. I think you will be much happier if you do, and if you are successful, your future husband will also thank you forever for making such a change in your personality and outlook.

 

Please understand:This does not mean compromising your standards. No one thinks you're supposed to learn to put up wtih a wandering eye or various randomly placed feelings of lust. That is not what we are talking about.

[Leah]

Hi I am 26 years old.  No I do not think that men are lustful pigs especially Christian men, all the men whom I have seen at church seem to be very humble and good people.  I totally see that this is a biological thing and that men (and some women) can't help it.  I'm not blaming men since I know they don't feel this way intentionally but to me if I am with a man and he is attracted to another woman, he might as well be sleeping with another woman because he has already crossed the threshold and stepped out of bounds anyways.  I cannot imagine myself getting married because to me a man is not being true to me if he feels a spark or electricity towards another woman.

 

Don't get me wrong, I wish that this issue didn't bother me.  It makes me sad knowing that I will never be able to be close to a man or have that warm feeling inside when you are in a relationship with someone.  However I think what I have to do is just get used to it since this is how I feel and I don't seem to be able to overcome this issue as much as I would like to.  I am still waiting for someone to wake me up from this nightmare in which people are attracted to others while in a relationship.

Equating noticing that someone of the opposite sex is attractive with actually committing adultery is an extreme point of view.

You seem not able to understand that a person can mentally note someone's attractiveness without any feelings of lust. I wonder why that is?

In your first post, you state that you "found out" that men can still be attracted to other women when in a relationship. What does that mean exactly.....you "found out"? It's an erroneous statement, whatever the source. Not all men become attracted to someone other than their spouse. They are able to function happily in their marriage without desiring anyone else. Do they sometimes notice that some random woman is pretty? Sure. But that isn't the same as being attracted to them. And it's normal.

You really need to talk with a professional counselor about this issue.

[EragonPaolini]

Actually I do agree with you that you can notice that someone is pretty without feeling attracted to them.  As I like to say, I'm straight but I think lots of women are beautiful.  That does not mean I am attracted to them.  Same goes with my thinking my male relatives are handsome, I am also not attracted to them.  With that said, I have heard from men that I respected as well as read books and studies that confirmed that men are attracted to other women while in relationships as opposed to simply observing that they are pretty.

 

This phenomenon is discussed in the book For Women Only by Shaunti Feldhahn as well as Every Man's Battle, also a Christian book.  Men are hardwired to be attracted to more than one woman at once despite their relationship status.

[Leah]

Actually I do agree with you that you can notice that someone is pretty without feeling attracted to them.  As I like to say, I'm straight but I think lots of women are beautiful.  That does not mean I am attracted to them.  Same goes with my thinking my male relatives are handsome, I am also not attracted to them.  With that said, I have heard from men that I respected as well as read books and studies that confirmed that men are attracted to other women while in relationships as opposed to simply observing that they are pretty.

 

This phenomenon is discussed in the book For Women Only by Shaunti Feldhahn as well as Every Man's Battle, also a Christian book.  Men are hardwired to be attracted to more than one woman at once despite their relationship status.

You seem really, really invested in hanging on to your distorted viewpoint on this.   All I can say is....once again....please get some professional assistance in dealing with this.

[EragonPaolini]

I can't afford professional counseling, unemployed atm.  I don't know if it would help though since I don't have a disorder like depression, etc.  But I am still praying about it.  I know I can't do this on my own but God does call us to marry and have eternal families so I think He has the power to change me.  I don't want to get my hopes up TOO much, maybe it's just my imagination, but thinking about men's attraction to other women has actually been bothering me LESS since I started praying about it.  It's like it still bothers me and seems inappropriate, but for some reason the accompanying shock and horror that usually follow seem greatly diminished.  I am VERY new in the church - if I wanted to talk to someone in the church about it who should I talk to?  The Relief Society president?  I am embarrassed about this also since I know my views are very unconventional.