I'm to the breaking point. What do I do?

[Littleoldme]

Hi, I am new to this forum but was driven here by some pretty strong needs.  I am hoping to find answers here.  

 

I have really been struggling in my life and in my marriage right now and frankly have been for over a decade.  My husband and I are doing somewhat ok.  Our finances are FINALLY on the upswing after years of uncontrolled spending by my husband.  I have compensated by having to be extremely frugal with everything.  We have finally gotten a lot more on the same page about finances and are working towards getting out of debt.  I owe this to prayer. It's been pretty amazing.  So I should be happy, right?  So why am I so unhappy still?  I have found myself crying on various occasions when I am alone, and a few times when I am with others and it becomes embarrassing because I can't explain why I am crying. It honestly has surprised me how easily tears come lately.  It usually is when I am around a family who, it seems, has it all.  It seems all of the sisters and sister-in-laws in my life have these amazing strong Mormon families.  This is hard for me to talk about, because I rarely ever talk about the realities of my relationship with my husband to anyone.  I used to talk to my mom about it but learned the hard way that it always just makes my life and marriage harder because she gets really mad at my husband and tries to get me to divorce him and it complicates things.  

 

I'll tell you a little about my husband without going too much into detail.  In general, he is an angry person.  I know that is starting out extremely negatively, but it is just the way I see him.  He has a personality that is frankly very hard to get along with. Think how to hug a porcupine. Now before you go thinking that is just the way I see things, I will tell you, this is also a pretty objective thing.  He has gone through numerous jobs, has issues with almost everyone he has ever worked with, quit or been forced to quit numerous jobs.  He was in a leadership position in the ward and was constantly gossiping about the members of the ward and the leaders he worked with.  I have a very hard time with that and try very hard to not encourage this.  He chose to no longer fill that position, which I'm actually relieved about.  Everywhere he goes, he makes enemies, and because of his ways of dealing with people, he has very few people left to call his friends. I believe he has a mental illness but he won't get help because he thinks he is fine.  To me, he seems very antisocial.

 

 When he gets home from work, he believes he is done with all responsiblity for the day and will sit in the basement watching show after show after show until I have to leave for work after I have gotten all the kids to bed, and dealt with the sibling rivalry, made dinner, been a chauffeur, helped with homework, etc.  Fathering, to him, almost seems that it was done the moment the children were conceived.  He does not support the children.  He won't go to any of their sports games (it embarrasses him that his children aren't better players, although he could have a LOT to do with that to help them improve in a gentle way), he won't go to music concerts they are in, he won't be involved.  Period.  He just doesn't care to and never has.  He'll only go to things if there is free food there, and then he wants to leave right away when we are done eating. My heart has broken for my children many times over.  His parents may suspect this, but I don't think they truly realize the extent of how miserable I am.  My parents know mostly by reading through the lines, and sometimes after probing for information after one of those teary sessions where I just am in tears for no apparent reason.   

 

Because of his inability to really be active and involved, he is now pushing 400 lbs. and his doctor has given him strict instructions to excercise lest he die by the age of 40.  

 

 I have been very surprised lately by often and extremely strong feelings of jealousy and anger about relationships in my life.   My brother who I have been very close to in the past has pretty much not come over hardly at all or even answered my messages  I have sent him.  I would be ok with that, thinking he is just  busy like I am except for the fact he recently saved money and flew out to be with my sisters family.  I have been so very very hurt by that since he doesn't seem to have the time of day to come see me or my children even though he lives relatively close. I have found myself crying at my night job when no one is around.  He has said a lot in the past how amazing I am, but never seems able to find the time to come over.  And it hurts.  To the core.  Maybe because he has been one of the few people I see able to give my kids some of that dad-like time.  How come kids who most need it are the ones that seem to get forgotten the most?  Sorry, I know this is just pitiful. I don't know how things ever got to this point in my life.  I find myself wanting to avoid any family that have an active and supportive dad and husband.  The last time I had a teary episode in front of others was when I was with my mom and sisters family.  Her husband was giving the family home evening lesson, and I thought to myself, we will never have what they have.  That jealousy and trying to avoid that jealousy also makes it hard to form close friendships.  I find myself drawn to make friendships with single women because it just cuts out all that emotional garbage of comparing myself and my family to theirs or getting jealous.  I never thought of myself as a jealous person until recently.  

 

Anyway, there are a lot of other issues I haven't even touched on yet, but don't want to write a novel.  So, this is enough for now.  I feel I am right teetering on the verge of a deep depression if not in it already and so maybe I'm trying to stave it off as much as I possibly can.  I just needed to tell someone what's really going on with me.  The pretending I'm fine just isn't working anymore for me. 

[Bini]

You say you cry over no reason. I think the correction is: there is plenty to cry over if what you say is true. I don't doubt you're dealing with some kind of depression due to your marital circumstances. And I don't doubt your husband also suffers from something that keeps him disconnected and uninterested. The saddest part, in my opinion, is the seemingly lack of nurture your husband has when it comes to the children he agreed to bring into this world. Indeed, how heart breaking.

I would suggest opening up to someone who is unbiased and can help give some sound advice. Parents and or family is likely not the right outlet for this, though, they may mean well. Would you consider talking to a counselor and confiding your feelings and concerns? If your husband rejects couple counseling, at least, give it a shot yourself.

Lastly, how does your husband respond when you dote on him? When you embrace him, kiss him, tell him you love him?

[Windseeker]

Dear Sister, 

 

I think Bini says it all but I spent some time writing out a response so I might as well post what I have.

 

I started my response by listing all the worries, concerns and problems I have in my own family but while I was doing so it started making me depressed. I immediately thought about all the things I'm grateful for and it brought tears to my eyes.

 

I think this is the key. It's so easy to get caught up in what we don't have, but want. We have this one chance in life to make the best with what we have been blessed with.  If I focus on my families deficiencies then all the wonderful things about them tend to fade into the background. The same thing happens if I focus and appreciate the good things about each other. 

 

One thing that helps with this is to live in the Present, not the Future and not the Past. I myself get caught up thinking like this, I have to stop and review my thought process and change course. If I don't then it leads to depression. 

 

Consider that you were hearing a wonderful family home evening lesson and rather then thinking, I'm so glad my kids and I are hearing this great family home evening lesson (Present), you were thinking "we will never have what they have" (Future).

Matthew 6:34

Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. 

 

 

You also were pretty much denying your agency and the fact that you are a free agent and you are ment to ACT, NOT BE ACTED UPON (seems to be a huge theme lately....read anything Bednar for reference :)). Another truth is that you simply can't control anyone other then yourself. So put those truths together, if you want to have a nice Family Home Evening, then take charge and do it yourself. If your husband would rather watch TV that won't prevent you.

 

Recently my nephew returned home from his Mission. He looks awesome and you can tell he's changed and I'm so proud of him. I started to see my thoughts drift towards my son and nephew (who live with us) and I started to think negatively toward them because neither of them want to go on missions. Rather then be grateful they are both active in Church and their callings I was caught up in comparing them and I started feeling less for them. I had to repent, and realize how grateful I am to have them in my life. 

 

If you are unhappy or depressed I think there are three things we can do. 

 

1. Live and think in the Present. 

2. Be Grateful.

3. Forgive.

 

Our thoughts create patterns and the more we spend our lives in a certain pattern of thinking the harder it is to break. So sometimes talking to mental health professional is way we can learn to identify these patterns of thinking and work them into a new way of thinking. 

 

 

[Latter-Day Marriage]

Was he like that before you married?  There may be a mental health issue, there could also be medical issues.  Brain tumor, micro-strokes that affect personality or mood.  You need help to deal with this, and I think you know that or you wouldn't be here, but being here is not enough.  You need to get counseling on dealing with this and healing from this, both from your Bishop and from professionals.  LDS Family services may have somebody who can help, and the Bishop can use fast offering funds to cover it if needed.  He needs help too and I hope he will listen.  Are there people that he respects and will listen to?  It might be good for the group of you to tell him together of your concerns.  Is he active in the church?  Will he take counsel from your Bishop? 

[David13]

I don't want to say anything because I think I would end up sounding like your mother, even tho' I could be your father or grandfather, but not your mother or grandmother.

As a man I can tell you, men don't change unless they want to.  And men who don't ever want to change are not that unusual.

Still, I hope I don't 'sound just like your mother'.

 

 

I have seen maybe one or two men change when they saw divorce papers.  But I have seen a great many divorce papers.

dc

Edited May 22, 2015 by David13

[Crypto]

Sounds like he has depression, says I from my internet armchair position.

I really wouldn't recommend you avoiding other families and people just because of the tears and feelings. Please don't make the mistake of isolating yourself.

Edited May 23, 2015 by Crypto

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

 This was my thought as well . . . 

 

Was he like that before you married?  There may be a mental health issue, there could also be medical issues.  Brain tumor, micro-strokes that affect personality or mood.  You need help to deal with this, and I think you know that or you wouldn't be here, but being here is not enough.  You need to get counseling on dealing with this and healing from this, both from your Bishop and from professionals.  LDS Family services may have somebody who can help, and the Bishop can use fast offering funds to cover it if needed.  He needs help too and I hope he will listen.  Are there people that he respects and will listen to?  It might be good for the group of you to tell him together of your concerns.  Is he active in the church?  Will he take counsel from your Bishop? 

[marriedbutlonely]

I am going to answer from my own perspective in much the same kind of marriage.  Anger, laziness, disconnection.  It is a hard road to be on when the person that you love is disconnected from the relationship and from your life together.  

 

Counseling - I believe it is a must for both partners to see their own part in the break-down of the relationship.  Be very, very picky about a counselor.  Choose one who is LDS.  Make certain you are comfortable with the counselor and that your husband is comfortable.

 

Ultimately, you cannot change someone else.  Your husband must be agreeable to counseling; and he must be willing to compromise.  But, you also may need to compromise.  There is one person that can change you and can change your husband - he is our Savior, Jesus Christ.  He can change hearts, behaviors, and outlooks!  Make certain that even in your worst of times, you need to pray; you need to read your scriptures and search for answers; and you can seek counsel from your church leaders.

 

It is not fair to you or to your children to stay in a marriage that is this volatile.  I know a thing or two about anger, and it can get worse.  Ultimately, you can lose your children if they are living in a house that they are not comfortable.  Our home should be a haven for our children.  If you cannot reconcile things with your husband; you can lose your children to the outside world and outside influences.  

 

I wish I could give you a crystal ball to see the answers, but everyone has their own individual agency.  Pray long, pray hard, but believe that you do deserve happiness.  You do deserve love.  Your children deserve to have an example of a loving relationship.  Don't give up easily, we need to fight for our eternal love.  But, do not feel like a failure if it doesn't work.  Sometimes, it just doesn't.

[priesthoodpower]

If he was a paraplegic in a wheel chair with a mole growing on his forehead the size of a potato would you still be mad at him for his behavior?

 

 

If you were a single parent you would not have someone (your spouse) sitting in the basement that you could blame for being a lazy spouse.

 

Sometimes to make things work you need to either get out of the relationship or change your mindset.

 

There is no doubt that there is some sort of mental challenges going on with him but I think the only way for you to cope is to roll with it, lower your expectations of him, take on the challenge and stop feeling sorry for yourself. change your mindset because you will not be able to change his until he wants to do it himself.

 

 

I could take a shovel and dig a hole 30 feet deep in the ground looking for the water table, it might take me weeks to accomplish this task but I would pace myself, work smart and hard with a smile on my face. The minute that a second person join me in the digging is when expectations are created. If I shoveled for 8 hours on monday and the 2nd person only shoveled for 1 hour I would be pissed, thats just human nature.

 

we should just be happy that a second person is around to even take 1% of the workload or just be around to keep us company.

[Littleoldme]

Thank you all for all of your responses.  I am thankful- I hadn't checked the responses for a few days and was glad to see when I came back that people had left some responses for me.  I appreciate the well thought out responses of people trying to give ideas that might help me through this situation.  I am going to read them all again and see what I can glean from them to help us with this.

 

 There is things that can be done, I know, to improve our situation, I am sure.  I know he needs help as well.   I think the biggest worry I've had overall is the effect some of his behaviors, (both his anger/temper issues and his neglect) will have long-term on the children.  I know already that it has effected some of the children who have some big temper issues.   The best thing I've been able to come up with is to pray for positive male role models in their lives.  God has answered these prayers over the years, and I do need to be more grateful for those answers and to learn to trust that he will still answer in the future as well.  I used to be really good at reading scriptures, but there have been times in the past few years that I have sort of given up hope and not done as well in this area, and have also slacked a bit on prayer.  I get home late from work and all I want to do is sleep.  I guess I also have felt that God maybe just doesn't care about me since I have prayed so much over this issue and not much seems to change with him.  I'm sure the solution is gratitude as a few of you mentioned. And yes, even though he doesn't do much with us, at least I do have a husband, whatever smaller percentage it is he seems to be giving/not giving. 

 

That is the dilemma I have had as far as expectations are concerned.  As one of you posted, our feelings about our marriages have to do with our expectations.  So, is it better to just do away with all expectations of anything from him, so that I'm not upset when he does nothing, or to keep expecting things of him?

 

As far as doing things with the kids and I, I have pretty much just dropped all expectations of him just so as to cut down on the arguing we used to have about it.  I mention it to him so he knows where we are and then we just go on our way.  He knows very well that I know he won't come.  When I would try to get him to go places in the past, there was always an excuse so it didn't seem he was just refusing to go.  But I have seen the patterns long enough to know, he just wont go.  Now I just know this is my reality and so do my kids.   But will they do the same thing to their families?  That's my greatest fear.  I know, I know, I need to focus on the here and now.  And maybe that is one of my problems.  I don't know.  But kids do tend to follow what they see.  I can do my best to be involved in things and not live my life through a screen, but I am only one half of the equation. 

[Windseeker]

I think the biggest worry I've had overall is the effect some of his behaviors, (both his anger/temper issues and his neglect) will have long-term on the children.  I know already that it has effected some of the children who have some big temper issues. 

 

Certainly our behaviors effect our kids. But I read a book called "Building Resilience in Children and Teens" by Keeneth R Ginsburg and one of the things he mentions is that as long as one parent is engaged and listens and connects with their kids they can grow to become emotionally healthy. So again stop thinking about the long term possibilities and focus on the great things you are already doing to be a good example of a parent.

[Guest]

. But kids do tend to follow what they see. I can do my best to be involved in things and not live my life through a screen, but I am only one half of the equation.

Kids follow what they LEARN. They're not mindless robots. They too have the light of Christ. So, if they see it and you show/teach (either consciously or unconsciously) that it's the right thing to do, they'll learn it and follow. But if they see it and you can teach them that's not the right thing to do, they'll learn to not do it. But, if you teach this with resentment and disrespect to their father, they'll learn it's okay to be disrespectful to their dad and their spouses too. Always keep the Spirit in your house so that the light of Christ will burn strong in your kids. Love your husband.

[omegaseamaster75]

^{Was he like this before you got married?}

 

 

^{My 2 cents which is about all my opinion is worth. Leave now while you still can, your children are in a poor environment and will learn nothing positive from the man. Every habit you have described is a poor one. If I give you the 50% discount (because we only have one side of the story) he is still a monster.}

[marriedbutlonely]

Eternal marriage is the ultimate goal; however, we cannot control another person's actions or decisions.  It is not fair to say to a wife that she must just "lower her expectations" of her husband and stay within the bounds of a very unhappy marriage.  We have learned through scripture to "endure to the end", but that does not mean that we must set aside our own happiness and the well-being of our children.  

 

I will say that the anger management concerns me a great deal.  I have a teenage son that began to go down a very destructive path for a while.  Counseling brought out that the relationship with his father created a LOT of issues that with all of the love and guidance I gave, I could not overcome.  One thing that broke my heart is when he said that he "learned to be tough, and learned to not be afraid" from his father.  His father never once hit him, but he did bully him with his anger.  

 

It is all but impossible to keep the spirit in your home when your home is constantly full of tension/turmoil.  You need to make a choice - for you and for the children.  Either the good outweighs the bad, or vice-versa.  It the bad outweighs the good, and you cannot live with the horrible tension that you face daily, then you must make a very hard choice.  Don't just issue an ultimatum - you must follow through.  However, if you are inclined to never leave your husband; then you best put on your happy face and endure. 

 

Here are two links that I found very uplifting and useful when making my own decisions of late:

http://www.mormonchannel.org/blog/post/focus-on-the-family-3-steps-to-strengthen-family-relationships?cid=social_20150526_46407226&adbid=10153388868132450&adbpl=fb&adbpr=94574597449

 

Also, the following link has 5 different topics that relate to marital harmony:

 

http://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/gods-design-for-marriage/does-your-spouse-see-jesus-in-you/does-your-spouse-see-jesus-in-you

 

Realize that these topics should also apply to him, but you can't force him to do something he is unwilling to do.  

[james12]

That is the dilemma I have had as far as expectations are concerned.  As one of you posted, our feelings about our marriages have to do with our expectations.  So, is it better to just do away with all expectations of anything from him, so that I'm not upset when he does nothing, or to keep expecting things of him?

Yes, completely and absolutely. Lose the expectation. Why? Because your expectation arises from a belief that your husband can, and must, somehow satisfy all your desires. Things like him coming to sporting events, helping with household duties, controlling his anger. And when he does not meet your expectations you feel hurt, and in some way or other allow this to effect your peace. Do you see that you are allowing your husband to define how you feel? And further that you have come to see him as the cause of those feelings? But maybe your husband doesn't cause the pain and fear but rather brings out your own perceived lack on an external level.  

 

See the moment you stop judging what should be, the moment you stop defining all your expectations by external circumstances, you will free your mind from all your worry, anger, and fear. Then the words of Christ will come into sharper focus, "Do not judge others, and you will not be judged. ...The standard you use in judging is the standard by which you will be judged" (Matt 7:1-2 NLT). You are living that very truth. Every moment of every day, as we all are. 

 

Now, none of this excuses him. He must deal with his own issues just as you must deal with yours. But you are not the one who needs to dispense justice. You are not the one who needs to make him change. In fact, over many years I'm sure you have found that you cannot. This is a big step forward. The only person you can change is yourself, so I suggest you get to work. 

 

Of course, you may still ask him to do things. But hopefully the compulsion is now gone from it. When he doesn't do what you ask just move on. Don't invest the moment with negative emotion. This may be the most valuable lesson of all, for you, him, and the kids. 

[mdfxdb]

Yes, completely and absolutely. Lose the expectation. Why? Because your expectation arises from a belief that your husband can, and must, somehow satisfy all your desires. Things like him coming to sporting events, helping with household duties, controlling his anger. And when he does not meet your expectations you feel hurt, and in some way or other allow this to effect your peace. Do you see that you are allowing your husband to define how you feel? And further that you have come to see him as the cause of those feelings? But maybe your husband doesn't cause the pain and fear but rather brings out your own perceived lack on an external level.  

 

See the moment you stop judging what should be, the moment you stop defining all your expectations by external circumstances, you will free your mind from all your worry, anger, and fear. Then the words of Christ will come into sharper focus, "Do not judge others, and you will not be judged. ...The standard you use in judging is the standard by which you will be judged" (Matt 7:1-2 NLT). You are living that very truth. Every moment of every day, as we all are. 

 

Now, none of this excuses him. He must deal with his own issues just as you must deal with yours. But you are not the one who needs to dispense justice. You are not the one who needs to make him change. In fact, over many years I'm sure you have found that you cannot. This is a big step forward. The only person you can change is yourself, so I suggest you get to work. 

 

Of course, you may still ask him to do things. But hopefully the compulsion is now gone from it. When he doesn't do what you ask just move on. Don't invest the moment with negative emotion. This may be the most valuable lesson of all, for you, him, and the kids. 

Sounds like great advice........I used to have a roommate, and I had no expectations of him.  If he didn't clean when I asked him to, I just shrugged my shoulders, and cleaned myself...

 

lol.

 

It is perfectly reasonable for you to have expectations of your husband, and to be angry when he doesn't live up to them.  He promised/represented himself to be certain things when you got married, now he is not.

 

If you follow the above advice you get to spend the rest of your life with a grumpy roommate, who is messy......

[pkstpaul]

I had similar thoughts about losing expectations of your spouse. I do think though he is a caustic influence to your children and the reason your family has decided to not visit you or to lower you on their priority. I would say you could endure this a bit longer but your children deserve more.

 

I wish I could offer specific help. I am almost always in the camp of trying to make a marriage work. It is often easier to make a marriage work than a divorce.  I did have a friend recently have a painless divorce, when in a situation similar to yours, simply because the husband/father didn't care enough to fight. I think you may have just that scenario.

 

I think you are going to have to act to make a move that openly makes a statement to everyone that "you care". Tolerating what is obvious to everyone else (and believe me, it is more obvious than you seem to realize) is only saying you don't care.

 

Hitting 400 lbs is all HE has to say to tell the world what you are going through.

 

Good luck.

[Finrock]

Sounds like great advice........I used to have a roommate, and I had no expectations of him.  If he didn't clean when I asked him to, I just shrugged my shoulders, and cleaned myself...

 

lol.

 

It is perfectly reasonable for you to have expectations of your husband, and to be angry when he doesn't live up to them.  He promised/represented himself to be certain things when you got married, now he is not.

 

If you follow the above advice you get to spend the rest of your life with a grumpy roommate, who is messy......

 

There is great wisdom in what James12 shared with you. I would not reject without pondering it and meditating upon it. I have struggled in my marriage over the years. In some ways I have felt like you have. I have also struggled with wanting my wife to make changes and have fallen in to the trap of repeatedly judging her. Ultimately I have decided that I care more about my relationship than I do about my selfishness. As long as your spouse isn't being abusive you must simply love them. Do not judge them. When I married my spouse one big reason I did so was so that I could have a companion who would be there with me through thick and through thin. I wanted to get married so that I could always have a friend in life, especially during the most difficult times when I might be suffering in sin, illness, or any other difficulty. It is hard to see past your own hurt and pain. However, as James12 suggested, when we stop judging and start just focus on changing our lives and becoming like Jesus Christ we will find that we can bear the pain and the rejection and the hurt that comes from a spouse who isn't treating you the way that you wish they were.

 

It is important that you do not do things for any other purpose other than to glorify Christ and God. Don't do things because you want your husband to change. Do all that you do for Jesus. Look to Him for your reward and you will NEVER be disappointed. Pray for your husband. Pray to have a soft heart. Pray that you and your husband will be humbled. Be patient. My marriage has gotten better not necessarily because anything external to me has changed but because I have decided to change how I deal with reality. Yes, my wife has changed too but it wasn't because of anything I did. I can live at peace, feel happy, and know that I am doing well despite what is going on around me.

 

-Finrock

[james12]

Sounds like great advice........I used to have a roommate, and I had no expectations of him.  If he didn't clean when I asked him to, I just shrugged my shoulders, and cleaned myself...

 

lol.

 

It is perfectly reasonable for you to have expectations of your husband, and to be angry when he doesn't live up to them.  He promised/represented himself to be certain things when you got married, now he is not.

 

If you follow the above advice you get to spend the rest of your life with a grumpy roommate, who is messy......

Well it is "normal" to have expectations of another but I don't think it is reasonable. Further, anger is almost always counter productive. Here is a section from a book entitled Feeling Good. It helps explain the cause of most anger: 

 

Before you can feel anger, you must necessarily make the interpretation you are entitled to get what you want in this situation.

 

..The perception of unfairness or injustice is the ultimate cause of most, if not all, anger. In fact, we could define anger as the emotion which corresponds in a one-to-one manner to your belief that you are being treated unfairly.

 

..When you get mad at someone and you claim that they are acting "un-fairly," more often than not what is really going on is that they are acting "fairly" relative to a set of standards and a frame of reference that differs from yours.

 

...No matter how outrageous or unfair others might appear to you, they do not, never did, and never will upset you. The bitter truth is that you're the one who's creating every last ounce of the outrage you experience.  

 

...The real solution is to put an end to your absurd inner harangue.  (p. 154-160)

Most people have what appear to them to be valid reasons for why they act a certain way. Perhaps you don't agree but that does not change the fact. They may be deceived but they certainly have reasons. So in such a situation anger is unreasonable. 

[mdfxdb]

Well it is "normal" to have expectations of another but I don't think it is reasonable. Further, anger is almost always counter productive. Here is a section from a book entitled Feeling Good. It helps explain the cause of most anger: 

Most people have what appear to them to be valid reasons for why they act a certain way. Perhaps you don't agree but that does not change the fact. They may be deceived but they certainly have reasons. So in such a situation anger is unreasonable. 

We can parse words, and define anger, etc, etc.  

 

If someone says they are going to do something, and then they don't do it you need to make a decision one way or another.  

 

Let's forget about expectations for a while, and simply look at the promises people make when they first get married.  At some point your husband / boyfriend represented to you that he loved you, and would likely take care of you.  He probably represented that he was a loving, kind, generous person.  

 

People usually don't marry ogres.  

 

Then he either decided to change, or he really never was any of those things he represented himself to be.  

 

Now you have to react.

[james12]

We can parse words, and define anger, etc, etc.  

 

If someone says they are going to do something, and then they don't do it you need to make a decision one way or another.  

 

Let's forget about expectations for a while, and simply look at the promises people make when they first get married.  At some point your husband / boyfriend represented to you that he loved you, and would likely take care of you.  He probably represented that he was a loving, kind, generous person.  

 

People usually don't marry ogres.  

 

Then he either decided to change, or he really never was any of those things he represented himself to be.  

 

Now you have to react.

But you see I'm not talking about what a person does, I am speaking about their state of mind. Of course they act in one way or another. They make rational decisions based on what their spouse does. But what they don't need to do is start building up all of these false expectations (and they clearly are false because the spouse does not act as expected).

 

This constant clinging to what "should" be is at the heart of the matter. Once we can recognize this we can start to free ourselves from all our false expectations and demands we place on others, ourselves, and our surroundings.

 

Christ himself shows us the way when he says, "Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do." These people of whom he is speaking are compelled by their own false notions to think, feel and act certain ways. Was Jesus angry at them? Did he expect them to act contrary to their nature? No, because how could they act any other way? 

Edited May 29, 2015 by james12

[mdfxdb]

 

Christ himself shows us the way when he says, "Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do." These people of whom he is speaking are compelled by their own false notions to think, feel and act certain ways. Was Jesus angry at them? Did he expect them to act contrary to their nature? No, because how could they act any other way? 

Well Christ said that after he was nailed to a cross.....

 

I do not expect people to act contrary to their nature, just as I would not expect my wife to act contrary to her nature, but if she represented her nature to be one way, and I find it to be another then I have been deceived.  

 

As such I have to make reactionary decisions.  Those decisions may include leaving that person.  Not out of anger, but out of self-preservation for myself and my children.  

 

For the OP and her scenario we can argue about whether or not she should be angry either with herself or her husband, but anger aside she needs to think about what is best for her, and her children.  

[Bini]

The one thing that always bugged me with Church culture, is that so many people believe that continuously putting up with crap and being trod on for the sake of avoiding divorce, is what God intended. Thing is, it takes two to make something work, and if one party sits on their rump or is abusive - you gotta make a choice in what you're willing to live with. Do you stick around, regardless of your emotional and physical well being? Or, do you make the decision to progress, where you are able to grow as an individual and your children, too - in a healthy and safe environment?

[Guest MormonGator]

The one thing that always bugged me with Church culture, is that so many people believe that continuously putting up with crap and being trod on for the sake of avoiding divorce, is what God intended. Thing is, it takes two to make something work, and if one party sits on their rump or is abusive - you gotta make a choice in what you're willing to live with. Do you stick around, regardless of your emotional and physical well being? Or, do you make the decision to progress, where you are able to grow as an individual and your children, too - in a healthy and safe environment?

I'm generally against divorce (I think you should do everything possible to avoid it) but there is a lot of truth in this. Of course if there is abuse of any type you are totally, one hundred percent within your rights to leave. 

[Littleoldme]

I have had a lot of time to read through and think about the comments.  Thank you. My mom has sometimes told me that I can't see the forest for the trees. Which I think has happened sometimes.  So these comments are giving me a larger perspective on it all.

 

There are many different takes on this situation and different thoughts on different parts of whats going on.  I have really been digging inside myself to see what part of my misery I am causing.  As I have searched I have realized that I really need to get back to fortifying my testimony.  Because of some of the things I have, it has been hard to not wonder if maybe God doesn't love me, or at least doesn't love me as much as others.  I have realized I have got to stop thinking this way because it will be my undoing if I don't.  I am grateful for the comments people have made that have suggested I need to get to work on myself, because I do, and I have been so focused on the things that I have no control over that I haven't focused on the things I do, which is my thoughts and my beliefs about God and my attitude.

 

I still don't know what I'm going to do in my marriage. I have thought a lot about leaving and divorce, but part of the problem is, for just the very strong reasons you feel like maybe it's time to leave are the very strong reasons why you end up thinking it would be a bad idea to do it.  Control issues, anger issues, etc. would play into a divorce as much if not more in a divorce.  I think you get my drift.  There's certain people you just don't want to be enemies with. 

 

One of the hardest things has been the not having control in most areas of my life.  Not long ago, he decided my boys were no longer allowed to be involved in any way with scouting.  Now, I am not a super knowledgeable scout mom or anything, but for years I have supported them and chauffered them, memorized with them, scrimped to get them things for their scout outfits, helped them pack, etc.  And now this.  I've been pretty depressed about it, because no matter what, I can't change his mind, and I've already mentioned here on this forum how important it is to me to have positive role models in their lives.  This is unrighteous dominion. Some have tried to change his mind, but he won't budge.  In all honesty, it's been like this for a long time.  Every place we have ever moved has been his pick. 

 

But anyway, back to the work I need to do on myself, since I am in a quandary about the rest.  I need to get back to having a real relationship with God again, and not projecting my relationship with my spouse onto my relationship with Him and thinking He has abandoned me.  I am going to try to feed myself spiritually and emotionally more.