husband asked me to choose him or my daughter

[Guest]

I think I struggle with feeling like I committed to this person eternally and I took that commitment seriously, however I keep coming to situations where I am questioning that choice more all the time. I have tried to make things work because I don't want to be a quitter and I don't want to go thru another divorce. However the last few weeks have I have totally been leaning towards calling it. I have talked to a lawyer, but I have to admit that I am really scared to tell him how I feel. I am worried that the whole process will get ugly and he will try to do what he can to hurt me financially. Unfortunately the lawyer told me there is a chance he may even have a possibility of getting alimony from me. I don't think he will hurt me but I do know it won't be a pretty situation. The thought of starting over is not very appealing to me, however I have decided that is exactly what I need to do. My daughter needs me.

Committing to a person eternally doesn't mean that you stick your head in the sand especially when your daughter is not thriving.

Committing to a person eternally means that you are committed to bring your husband closer to Christ - unconditionally.

Therefore, your decision is - how can you bring your daughter, your husband, and yourself closer to Christ?

If the answer to that question is to remain in the same house as him with your daughter - then stay. If the answer to that question is to protect your daughter and not give your husband the opportunity to commit a grievous sin that could send him on a one-way ticket to hell, then you need to leave.

My advice earlier that it may come to divorce is ONLY because you might need the legal separation to protect your daughter from your husband. It is not so you can "start over" with another dude. Leaving the house doesn't mean that you wash your hands off of your husband and go find a replacement. That, I guarantee you, will end up in the same boat as your first 2 marriages because - you never learned what a marriage is about.

You can stay committed to your husband by keeping your covenant to bring him closer to Christ, even if all you can do is to pray everyday that the Holy Ghost would touch his heart and light the way. You can keep your covenant while protecting yourself and your daughter from abuse. Once you learn that marriage is not what you can get out of somebody but rather what you are willing to give to somebody to bring all of you closer to Christ, then you will qualify for that Eternal Marriage that you desire.

Edited June 10, 2015 by anatess

[Generic1]

Str8shooter, thank you for quoting that scripture. I'm sure I have read it before, but as I read it tonight it had more meaning than ever and brought peace to my heart about the way I have been feeling.

Anatess, I just wanted to let you know that by starting over, I don't mean another relationship. I meant finding a new place and reestablishing myself. It's not always easy on a single income to find a decent place to live. I am assuming our home will end up being sold. So I will be looking for a new place, to start building a home.

Again I appreciate everyone's thoughts. It seems my husband hasn't won any brownie points with anyone. Would probably not help if I said I also struggle with his addiction. Might seem crazy but he is addicted to gaming. He spends hours playing games. After the gun incident with my daughter, he spent the next year sitting around the house, doing stuff here and there but mostly gaming. He collected unemployment for as long as he could. Anytime I would ask him about getting serious with job hunting he would tell me it was my daughters fault he was unemployed. Thank goodness I have a decent job! He still plays games for hours everyday. He is now self employed and works only as much as he wants to. Makes it easy for him to find time to play. I have basically been the main bread winner for most of our marriage. He makes money, but it's unpredictable and sometimes he doesn't put a lot of effort into it.

Well, I really feel that I'm at a crossroad, it's very important at this moment in time, that I choose the right road to go down. I know where I'm at and what I'm thinking but I'm getting a little nervous about bringing it up. He will be returning tomorrow night, and I'm not exactly sure how to approach him. I feel like I need to make sure I handle everything the right way, I'm sure he will be upset with anything other than a happy greating when he gets home.

Wish me luck, and spiritual guidance to say and do what is best. I do have faith that everything will work out. Heavenly Father has always blessed me in so many ways. Things might be hard for a while, but it will get better!

[Floridagal]

The fact that he can't take responsibility for his actions (constantly blaming your daughter for being unemployed) is another massive red flag.

I would say be careful. You don't have to have 'the conversation' where you gently tell him you are leaving (or he is leaving) and expect him to accept it peacefully, or to see the error of his ways and start to behave as a responsible and loving husband and step-father. You can file for a restraining order and divorce without a big conversation. I would also consider having an officer there as you move out (or ask him to leave). He is dangerous so protect yourself and your daughter.

[NeuroTypical]

Wish me luck, and spiritual guidance to say and do what is best. I do have faith that everything will work out. 

 

You don't need luck, and you don't need spiritual guidance.  You need strength, courage, and spine.  No, you should not have faith that everything will work out.  It will work out however you make it work out.  Sitting back and saying "God will make it all right" is the same thing as saying "I'll smile and work on my marriage and try not to get him mad."

 

Right?

 

I mean, if that's your choice, then that's your choice.  And there will be consequences.  But let's not pretend God will make this choice for you, ok?

Edited June 10, 2015 by NeuroTypical

[kapikui]

I carry a gun pretty much constantly.  If I have pants on, I generally have at least one gun on my person. Why? Because I can and it is my right.

 

I have never once even had it cross my mind to pull out my gun simply because I was upset at someone.  The gun stays in the leather until I perceive a threat to my life or the lives of those under my protection, I'm going to shoot it in a recreational or practice setting, I'm going to maintain it, or I'm going to store it.

 

Now perhaps I could see a story where he removed the gun to store it, saw the dog pee, forgot he had the gun in his hand, went to confront the daughter and accidentally swept her with the gun.  He still deserves a kick to the groin over it, and I've heard of disciplinary action in the military for sweeping someone with an "unloaded" (There is no such thing as an unloaded gun) gun on the range, but I can see perhaps gross incompetence instead of malicious intent, BUT then we get a second case of brandishing a firearm because he's angry at someone.

 

He can't be trusted to have a gun.  Now to get to my personal feelings on gun control because it's relevant in this case, I don't want to start a debate on gun control, just underscore how serious I think his actions are. I don't believe in it, not even for free violent felons.  Why? Because I don't believe that someone that can't be trusted with a gun should be walking around free without a full time keeper because he also really can't be trusted with a knife or a car or a baseball bat or a big stick or a rock or fists. 

 

There is no viable excuse for ever brandishing a gun as a part of an argument. My grandfather didn't even do that during WWII when he had another soldier vastly larger than he was threatening to beat him up.  They were in a combat zone so he had a rifle slung over his shoulder.  He didn't even threaten to shoot the man then, even though it would have been justified. Instead he clocked him upside the head with a shovel, but that's another story.

 

Your husband needs to be in jail or some other institution until he can establish that he has his temper issues under control.  Since that isn't actually an option in our current society,  I would not only divorce him but follow The Folk Prophet's advice and move somewhere he can't find you, change your name, your habits, and whatever else you have to do to make it impossible for him to find you. You should further arm yourself and get trained in proper pistol self defense just in case he does happen to find you.

[Str8Shooter]

Would probably not help if I said I also struggle with his addiction. 

 

Wish me luck, and spiritual guidance to say and do what is best. I do have faith that everything will work out. Heavenly Father has always blessed me in so many ways. Things might be hard for a while, but it will get better!

 

Knowing that there is addiction actually does help.  It should give you more hope.  If there was no addiction, your husband's actions would be much more disturbing.  There is an explanation now.  Addiction will turn virtuous, honorable, and righteous people into things that are horrible.

 

Keep your good attitude and hold on.  Satan is going to be really mad now.  He is going to try everything he can to stop your efforts to change.  You are at a crossroads and Satan knows that if he does not stop you now, he will lose the battle with your family.  A family that rises from major trials like yours will become spiritually unshakable.  Trust me on this one.  I know.  It is worth it.  You will gain tremendous knowledge and faith.  Take every step on the premise of Christlike love.

 

You can do this!

[Generic1]

Str8shooter shooter his addiction is video games. Not sure if that makes him do horrible things, but he does get pretty grumpy if I say anything about the time he spends playing.

Also when I say I know everything will work out. I am not saying I plan to sit back and let God take over. I am saying that if I do all I can and I follow through with the answers I have received, he will help me with the things I can't do myself. I have been divorced before. There were times I was broke and couldn't buy groceries... Then I would find a twenty dollar bill in my purse and had no idea where it came from. There are little things that happen and help us when we are doing everything we can do to help ourselves. I do need to grow a spine and I will have to be strong... That goes without saying. But, with the lord to back me I can do hard things.

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

But, with the lord to back me I can do hard things.

 

 

Yes you can!  You can do this.  When you feel afraid or start to doubt yourself, just tell yourself, "My daughter needs me and the Lord will help me."  

 

I use mantras like that when I am trying to overcome a fear, or do something hard.  It helps to have a short powerful statement to remind you why you are doing what you are doing.  

[Str8Shooter]

Str8shooter shooter his addiction is video games. Not sure if that makes him do horrible things, but he does get pretty grumpy if I say anything about the time he spends playing.

Also when I say I know everything will work out. I am not saying I plan to sit back and let God take over. I am saying that if I do all I can and I follow through with the answers I have received, he will help me with the things I can't do myself. I have been divorced before. There were times I was broke and couldn't buy groceries... Then I would find a twenty dollar bill in my purse and had no idea where it came from. There are little things that happen and help us when we are doing everything we can do to help ourselves. I do need to grow a spine and I will have to be strong... That goes without saying. But, with the lord to back me I can do hard things.

 

I feel that addiction is pretty much horrible, even with the addictions that may seem to be the less harmful ones.  I can never get back the 4 months of playing Call of Duty (that's how much time the game said I played it).  That's 4 months of playing one game, not being with my kids when they were young, and that hurts.  To me it's horrible.  That does not include the time I spent playing all the Halo, Gears of War, Rainbow 6, etc.

 

I hope and pray that things will end up getting better for your family, quickly.  Never give up and don't forget to ask the Bishop for help when you need it.

[Backroads]

I once had to be part of an intervention for a friend who had a serious gaming addiction that wound up requiring a year of counseling. She lost her job, was kicked out of school, ignored a family funeral, because of this addiction.

 

Gaming addictions aren't innocent.

 

Now, I enjoy having the time now and then when I discover a few hours to waste on "Skyrim" or "Gears of War", but I immediately feel a different in my life and even health when it becomes a daily thing.