Future Wedding


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I'm putting this out there for advice/comfort/whatever you have to offer. I have been dating someone for the past four months or so, officially courting and dating exclusively for about 2 months. We have discussed marriage quite a bit lately, and we both know that this is where our relationship is headed. It's something we both want and look forward to, though we're trying to ease our way into it timing-wise.

 

One thing that I keep coming back to is having a conversation with both sets of parents about the temple. We both are converts and know that our families would not be able to be at the ceremony should we marry in the temple. I can't help feeling a bit torn in two ways over the idea. While I very much want to be sealed for time and all eternity to him, it's hard to think of being married and not being with our families. I worry that there will be feelings of bitterness toward it (as I had held a discussion with my mother in my teens and had a somewhat negative response to the thought), and there are some things that I have always thought of when I thought of being married that will probably be missing on that day. It hurts to think about getting dressed for my wedding without my mother being there to help. It hurts to think about my father not being able to walk me down the aisle.

 

I don't want anyone to get the idea that those temporal moments are more important to me than being sealed. It's just hard to reconcile those thoughts I've had for years with my current state. If anyone has any advice for how to approach this discussion with our families, things that can help ease the bittersweet feelings that will undoubtedly be there, and so forth I am all ears. I want to honor my Heavenly Father and my earthly parents and right now it feels like it will be very difficult to do both. Thank you for reading and letting me get some thoughts out to others that I feel would understand. Hopefully no one will take this posting in the wrong way as far as not having things prioritized correctly or something of the sort.

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I'm putting this out there for advice/comfort/whatever you have to offer. I have been dating someone for the past four months or so, officially courting and dating exclusively for about 2 months.

 

 

stop right there.....

 

You barely know this person.  Please do not consider marriage at this point.  worry about marriage when it is right to get married.

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My first thought was "no, not so soon!", but I relaxed. Planning is planing, not doing.

 

Here I go with a comment that will surely draw ire amongst those with whom I now fight with in other threads. I hope to justify the comment enough to soothe the argument.

 

You don't need to get "married" in the temple. In fact, in many countries, it is not allowed. You must be married in a civil ceremony before you can go to the temple. This is "fact". Being "married in the temple" is a cultural thing, not legal.

 

I didn't go so far as to say "wait a year after marriage" to get sealed, but I am hearing it from others and frankly am not opposed, because of the number of divorces and annulments I witness.

 

Now, bring on the "do what is right and perfect" comments from the others.

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Get married in the temple, then have a "ceremony" afterwards for everyone to attend. Vows etc...the whole nine yards (non official of course) but it may fill the void even though it's not the real deal.....

None of my family are members of the Church. We did the wedding in the temple and the bishop had agreed to do a "ceremony" at the reception but he backed out as my spouse and I were standing there to do the rings. It was very awkward.

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You could be married in the temple, and then later have a ring ceremony. The ones I'm aware of there was never an issue with the bishop or stake president conducting that.

 

Or you could do what I was so very tempted to do.  Elope to a temple. Make it your wedding and honeymoon.  Then when you return, have a reception for your family and friends.

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I hope this is all hypothetical, it would be pretty rushed to be seriously considering marriage to each other at this point.

 

Even if your parents were there, there is no 'walking down the aisle' at a temple wedding.  There is an alter in the center of the room and chairs around the edges.  The couple kneel on opposite sides of the alter and hold hands across the alter, the officiator says what he says, you each say 'yes' (not 'I do'), kiss and then it's over.  It is simple but so very beautiful.

 

As pkstpaul said, there are several countries (like England for example) that do no recognize a temple sealing as a valid marriage, and in those countries couples must first get a civil marriage and they can then be sealed in the temple without any waiting period.  In the USA and Canada and other countries where temple sealings are recognized as a valid marriage, if a couple gets a civil marriage first they must wait one year before they can be sealed in a temple.  I would encourage you not take that path. 

 

I would talk with your parents now about it rather than wait until marriage is immanent.  Explain to them what a temple marriage is and how important it is to you and how you hope for them to have the same blessings in their marriage.  Encourage them to take the missionary discussion and work toward becoming worthy of entering the temple with you, and if they are not open to that discuss the other options (second ceremony  etc.).  If you don't take temple marriage seriously enough to go ahead with it even if they won't be able to attend, why should they think you are serious about anything to do with the church.  Set an example of faith for them, even if they are not ready to join now, your example can help them get there later.

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Here is my non-LDS advice.

 

Get married so that your parents and family and your future husband's parents and family can be there and celebrate with you during the ceremony. So many people in your shoes who were converts regret that they did not include their parents and family by having a temple wedding. A year will pass very quickly and then you and your husband will know for sure that you will want to spend eternity together. Your sealing will be very private and intimate without the worrying of offending anyone.

 

M.

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In the USA and Canada and other countries where temple sealings are recognized as a valid marriage, if a couple gets a civil marriage first they must wait one year before they can be sealed in a temple.  I would encourage you not take that path. 

I heard, although not from the greatest source, that the Church is considering changing the policy so that everyone has a civil marriage first. For one, it should be consistent world wide, but it appears there are legal issues even in certain states. I wasn't aware of the year wait. It doesn't make sense to me, but it isn't an issue for me anyway.  

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When we were panicking about receiving Husband's sealing clearance the notion of a civil marriage did cone up. My cousin gave what I consider to be wise advice: all that matters is the sealing and not precisely when you get it.

I'm not going to urge a civil ceremony, but if marriage comes up seriously, don't toss out the idea. Don't put the temple wedding above the sealing.

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Here is my non-LDS advice.

 

Get married so that your parents and family and your future husband's parents and family can be there and celebrate with you during the ceremony. So many people in your shoes who were converts regret that they did not include their parents and family by having a temple wedding. A year will pass very quickly and then you and your husband will know for sure that you will want to spend eternity together. Your sealing will be very private and intimate without the worrying of offending anyone.

 

M.

Yes, let's imitate the ways of the world and "try out" marriage before truly committing.  Why even marry as a member of the church if you have doubts about wanting to be together for eternity?

 

And I am calling for a CFR on your statement that "so many people in your shoes who were converts....".  Surely you have hard data to back that up.  The exact number of "so many", that it specifically applied to converts, etc.

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I heard, although not from the greatest source, that the Church is considering changing the policy so that everyone has a civil marriage first. For one, it should be consistent world wide, but it appears there are legal issues even in certain states. I wasn't aware of the year wait. It doesn't make sense to me, but it isn't an issue for me anyway.  

 

There are activist groups pushing for the church to eliminate the waiting period worldwide, but I haven't seen any indication that the church is considering a change.  Nobody should hold their breath waiting for that I think.   I'm a little uncomfortable with the idea, it feels like surrendering to the ways of the world and reminds me of when Israel demanded to have a king rule over them so they could be like other nations and have all the pomp and ceremony of royalty among them. 

 

Being different can be a good thing, and I don't like the idea of making the sealing an afterthought or a minor event of the wedding day.  There have been more than a few cases of non-members becoming members when they saw how committed their child was to a temple marriage.

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The temple is for you and your spouse to make your marital covenant to God for eternity. This is the most important thing and should be the primary focus of your marriage day. You will have a difficult time standing together in unity against the tough challenges of your marital life if you can't even stand strong together for your God and your covenant.

See Matthew 10:32-33

32 Whosoever therefore shall confess me before men, him will I confess also before my Father which is in heaven.

33 But whosoever shall deny me before men, him will I also deny before my Father which is in heaven.

After the temple, you can have all the stuff with the family with the aisle to walk on, the flowers, the big dress with mile-long train, the sparkly ring and big cake and dancing til dawn and videographers and photographers and wedding planners and whatever else your heart desires... You can hold it at the beach, the Ritz, or even the ward cultural hall if you want it free. If your family fusses because they weren't there to witness you making your covenant at the temple, then just smile and say, "it is what it is"... It is silly to worry about people not witnessing a covenant they neither agree with nor understand.

And to this Matthew 10:37 applies -

37 He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me.

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First of all I just want to say I'm happy for you at this exciting although uncertain time of your life. I wish you and your potential suitor all the best and hope that with prayerful consideration you'll find a method that does not compromise your standards and keeps your family content.

 

It sounds to me like you know that you want the sealing first and foremost, but wonder how to involve family. I'd say the ideas about getting sealed and then having a ceremony sound like a decent option. I would caution against advice to have a civil union first and get sealed a year later. In doing so I fear you'd set the stage for the rest of your life that making covenants with God is second to temporal things. There are blessings from the temple sealing that  surpass a civil marriage. The closest analogy I can think of off the top of my head would be to compare church attendance with church membership entered into via baptismal covenant.Sure you could have enjoyed the fellowship of the saints and being uplifted by the word of God simply by attending church all this time, but you chose to be baptized and receive the gift of the holy ghost. The latter not only is essential to salvation, but it blesses you in the here and now by giving you a greater capacity to have the spirit with you and the confidence of knowing that you have done things in the lord's way. Perhaps more importantly altogether is the increased commitment to the gospel you enjoy from baptism whereas while just attending you can always back out, by entering into covenant you know you're committed. From my perspective the civil union is akin to attending church without baptism, and the sealing is entering into matrimony through covenant like being baptized into the church.

 

My other thought is to say take the time you feel you need to get to know each-other before marriage, but don't postpone simply because others think you haven't known each other long enough. If you've thought it out carefully against your understanding of yourself and your partner and you've received that witness from the spirit that it is right, I am a firm believer in moving forward. Maybe we're the exception, I don't know, but my wife and I went from first date to sealed within a six-month time frame and have been happily married over seven years. That's not to say that we've never had any challenges, but we overcome them together with the Lord's help and because we can trust in the commitment the other has made. I fear if we'd waited that I would have decided not to go through with it and would have missed out on a fantastic journey together... and there's always those concerns that the law of chastity can become an issue when you're that close. My youth leaders always stressed that even the strongest of God's followers have a breaking point - no need to flirt with it longer than necessary.

 

Wishing you well.

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Since when is marriage not a commitment?

Big difference between earthly commitment and eternal commitment. Earthly commitment is made by law and broken by law. Eternal commitment has bigger implications.

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Yoyoteacher...  You have shared a little bit and asked questions and as is typical you get a wide range of responses.

 

I find the advise to wait to get married because you don't really "know him" to be lacking in addressing what I think is your main point.  Which I understand to be "As a convert that wants to be sealed how do I handle my non member parents expectations of their part in my marriage?"

 

You seem to understand the implication of the scripture in Matthew 10 

37 He that aloveth father or mother bmore than me is not worthy of me: and he that cloveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me.

 

People like to blame the church for the strife that can some times comes between families.  They fail to simply realize Christ himself knew of this and predicted it. He clearly drew the line on what is right and what is wrong when this happens. 

 

I would strongly suggest that you carefully consider any choice or action that makes God secondary to anything or anyone else.

 

So how do you deal with your parents?  First I would suggest talking to them.  Find out what they are expecting to get from your marriage, and explain to them why you feel it so important to be sealed.  Chances are your parents just want to "be there" to support you in and during the important events in your life.

 

This is not a bad thing, not bad at all.  However it seems very likely that you will have to help them adjust their focus from what they "expect to do to support you."  To "what you need them to do to support you."  Bring them in as allies to help you accomplish your goals rather then treating them as adversaries.  This is easier said then done and the details of which requires understanding your parents and your relationship with them (which we formites simply can not know).  

 

Prayer will help you do this more then anything we can really say  

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I heard, although not from the greatest source, that the Church is considering changing the policy so that everyone has a civil marriage first. For one, it should be consistent world wide, but it appears there are legal issues even in certain states. I wasn't aware of the year wait. It doesn't make sense to me, but it isn't an issue for me anyway.  

The year wait does not make any sense, in Mexico they require a civil marriage, and do not recognize the sealing in the temple as legally binding.

 

So people get married civilly on Friday and sealed on Saturday.

 

Someone smarter than me should explain this whole wait for a year thing to me policy.......

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The year wait does not make any sense, in Mexico they require a civil marriage, and do not recognize the sealing in the temple as legally binding.

 

So people get married civilly on Friday and sealed on Saturday.

 

Someone smarter than me should explain this whole wait for a year thing to me policy.......

 

It's like this:

 

If you get married in a location where a temple sealing is legally recognized as a wedding, and you choose not to be sealed but instead be married civilly, then you must wait at least one year before you will be allowed to be sealed to your spouse in a temple. It's possible that might be waived if one of you dies; not sure.

 

Hope that was clear.

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It's like this:

 

If you get married in a location where a temple sealing is legally recognized as a wedding, and you choose not to be sealed but instead be married civilly, then you must wait at least one year before you will be allowed to be sealed to your spouse in a temple. It's possible that might be waived if one of you dies; not sure.

 

Hope that was clear.

 

 

I get it, it's policy how dare I question it...or is it doctrine?

 

My apologies

Edited by omegaseamaster75
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I get it, it's policy how dare I question it...or is it doctrine?

 

My apologies

 

You said you wanted it explained. I explained it. No need to get all in a tizzy.

 

Did you mean you wanted it justified? No one here can do that. Or rather, the justification for the policy is that it was established by the Church's leaders, and we are not a democratic, bottom-up organization.

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You said you wanted it explained. I explained it. No need to get all in a tizzy.

 

Did you mean you wanted it justified? No one here can do that. Or rather, the justification for the policy is that it was established by the Church's leaders, and we are not a democratic, bottom-up organization.

I just would like a more profound explication than "it just is". I know that it is the policy stateside I would like to know why they have established that policy, and "because the prophet  said so" does not cut it for me (in this instance)

 

There must be a logical and reasonable reason for our policy to wait a year.

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I just would like a more profound explication than "it just is". I know that it is the policy stateside I would like to know why they have established that policy, and "because the prophet  said so" does not cut it for me (in this instance)

 

There must be a logical and reasonable reason for our policy to wait a year.

 

I am sure there is... If you want an answer so badly... Get on your knees and ask in prayer.

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I just would like a more profound explication than "it just is". I know that it is the policy stateside I would like to know why they have established that policy, and "because the prophet  said so" does not cut it for me (in this instance)

 

There must be a logical and reasonable reason for our policy to wait a year.

 

 

I'm not aware that there has ever been a reason behind this policy.  So anything anyone says is going to conjecture.  If you want conjecture, then you've come to the right place!  

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