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If you decided and publicly made it known that you were leaving the LDS church, did you then find that you were distancing yourself from LDS people? Ward, friends, even family? If so, can you explain why?

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I have not left the church and never ever plan to, but I remember when I left the Democrat party. That is kind of like leaving a religion (and a cult at that!) I think that rock band 311 wrote a song about that called "Leaving Babylon".

I was no longer welcome to hang out with my unemployed liberal arts college classmates. Did I leave these people? Nah, I think I just grew up.

Edited by DoctorLemon
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If you decided and publicly made it known that you were leaving the LDS church, did you then find that you were distancing yourself from LDS people? Ward, friends, even family? If so, can you explain why?

 

I don't think I broadcast it to the world when I went inactive, though I did tell my family (non-members) and had some discussions with close friends as to why I was distancing myself from the church. While I was inactive, I was very distant from former friends. I was still cordial on social media, but I would avoid them like crazy in public situations. I think I did it because I felt some guilt somewhere way deep down toward what I had done.

 

I will say that while I was inactive, I never told people I went to BYU in job interviews, I never proclaimed that I was LDS, because I didn't want others to associate my actions with the church. I know I still had a testimony of the gospel, I was trying to distance myself from it and to push it down...which clearly didn't work.

 

When I started coming back to church this past Fall, the first person I reached out to (after I went TO church) was my former YW president who had never given up over the seven years I was inactive in reaching out to me and trying to let me know that she still cared about me. She was the first person I sought out, and the love I have felt from her has been so healing. In a lot of ways, I look to her as a motherly figure, and I'm very grateful that she didn't give up on me. She is going to be my escort next week when I go to the temple, since I can't imagine anyone else being there with me to help and guide me.

 

 

Not sure if that was at all helpful, but thought I would share just in case.

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I just didn't go. It was the worst mistake I made... hindsight.

Now going through a struggle, were church Sunday s was the best day of the week now struggling because I rather stay home, pushing myself to go again and I'm glad I have been able to fight this....

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Thank you! I'm not actually writing an article (though that's a good idea). I'm trying to understand a family member who has left the church and is now ostracizing everyone in her life that is LDS. Friends, family, everyone. . . even though we want her and her family in our lives, even though we've tried to show as much love and understanding as we can. Yesterday I was supposed to see her and she cancelled last minute, as is the status quo now. I don't understand it. It hurts. It makes me sad. Especially when she feared that she would be the one to be pushed out of our lives when she first left, and now she's the one that's doing it. 

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Thank you! I'm not actually writing an article (though that's a good idea). I'm trying to understand a family member who has left the church and is now ostracizing everyone in her life that is LDS. Friends, family, everyone. . . even though we want her and her family in our lives, even though we've tried to show as much love and understanding as we can. Yesterday I was supposed to see her and she cancelled last minute, as is the status quo now. I don't understand it. It hurts. It makes me sad. Especially when she feared that she would be the one to be pushed out of our lives when she first left, and now she's the one that's doing it. 

 

Thank you for giving me some insight on the other side of the coin. Elder Neilson's talk in this past conference brought me to tears, as I felt like I had been the prodigal son for many years. He gives some wonderful counsel in it and I know that, at least for me, the reaching out and showing of care from others was noticed. Don't give up hope, Eowyn. And if/when your loved one does feel a softening of heart and chooses to come back (because I truly believe that it takes a change of heart and a desire for someone to be ready to come back), this loved one will probably reach out to you because she knows you never gave up on her.

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I think of a former YW teacher and my brothers' friend's mom. They left about the same time, I muse they helped each other leave. The former was wonderful and still is. She approached her close friends in the ward including my mom and begged them to remain by her side even as she left. Everyone is still remarkably chummy. The other... went a bit kooky and still blames everyone for abandoning her.

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The whole time that I was inactive I distanced myself from people just to maintain privacy and sanity. I knew, or at least I assumed, that if they got wind of my non-attendance that they would never give me a moment's peace about it, and that we wouldn't have a normal conversation or exchange of any kind that wouldn't be "tainted" for them by that knowledge. It was and is a private struggle, and I saw no reason to make it harder on myself by being that honest with people who just didn't need to know. 

 

My old seminary teacher and his wife (and four kids) left the church three or four years ago. He was in the Bishopric of his ward at the time, and had been the main release time seminary teacher for half our stake in Colorado for several years. They sent a letter out to people in the stake, mostly asking to be treated normally but also passive-aggressively attempting to shame those who had already said something unkind or changed in their attitudes toward their family. They even met with one of the Apostles, shortly after they resigned, who apparently asked them to reconsider. But they have made a huge nose-dive since then, did an interview with John Dehlin, are since divorced... but oddly enough both of them have since moved to Utah. They have cut ties with almost everyone, though on facebook it looks as if they are extra-chummy with all the former seminary students of his who left the church in high school or shortly thereafter. 

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Eowyn, I'm going to assume that when you are with your family member that you don't discuss church or churchy things with  her.  If you have, then perhaps that is why she is pulling away? I would recommend that even if she brings up church or churchy things, to change the subject to something else.  

 

If you haven't talked about church stuff, then have you asked her why she is cancelling things? I think approaching it as "Hey, is everything ok? You've cancelled the last few times we've tried to get together and I'm a little worried.  Have I done something to offend you or anything? Or do you have some stuff going on that I can help with? I miss you and would like to spend some time together even it is to help you clean the house or something."  

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We don't talk about church things. When she (they. . . she and her husband) left, she especially was very angry and more than happy to talk about what she was angry about. But I thought we had agreed to disagree and keep our relationship loving but free of that topic. 

 

Asking her why she's cancelling. . . I don't know why that's so scary! But it is. I do know I'm not the only one. She's pushing away and hurting a lot of people who love her. 

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Asking her why she's cancelling. . . I don't know why that's so scary! But it is. I do know I'm not the only one. She's pushing away and hurting a lot of people who love her. 

 

 

It's scary because it may open up the conversation about church. I think you may be afraid she will say, "Well, I just can't be around Mormons right now."  Or something like that.  

 

I think if you approach it in a loving, I-wanna-help kind of way, that might relieve any feelings from her that you want to talk church with her.  

 

Also, this may just be a time to be patient and persistent with her. Allow her time to pull away, but keep trying to spend time with her even if she cancels.  Don't lose patience and get angry with her for that. She may need time away for other reasons that are not related to the church or you, for that matter.  Maybe send her a card or drop off a flower or something and just say, "Hey, I've missed our girl time! Let's get together soon and talk about Downton Abbey!"  Something like that done every once in a while will let her know you still love her and church has nothing to do with your feelings.

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We don't talk about church things. When she (they. . . she and her husband) left, she especially was very angry and more than happy to talk about what she was angry about. But I thought we had agreed to disagree and keep our relationship loving but free of that topic. 

 

Asking her why she's cancelling. . . I don't know why that's so scary! But it is. I do know I'm not the only one. She's pushing away and hurting a lot of people who love her. 

 

I left the church for a while.  I didn't announce "I'm leaving" to the world or consider myself ex-Mormon.  I more just quit BYU-I, quit going to church, and wanted ZERO fellowship with any Mormon ward members.  I did NOT want to talk about it... unless I did, in which case I'd get mad if I wasn't 'allowed' to talk about 'how I feel'.  

 

During that time, I was lost: trying to figure out who and what I was.  I was grasping at straws, trying desperately to find any solid ground, and trying to define the world.  I didn't want any contact with Mormons, because they felt like a broken record: saying things I'd heard from years, when I was trying to listen to listen to *my* voice within.  I wanted quiet to mediate, 30 seconds later to scream my heart out.  I wanted to be left alone, and then cried for a hand to hold.  Figuring yourself out is hard.

 

You're friend's going through a hard time.  Just be there when she's ready to be hugged.

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Eowyn, I'm going to assume that when you are with your family member that you don't discuss church or churchy things with  her.  If you have, then perhaps that is why she is pulling away? I would recommend that even if she brings up church or churchy things, to change the subject to something else.  

 

If you haven't talked about church stuff, then have you asked her why she is cancelling things? I think approaching it as "Hey, is everything ok? You've cancelled the last few times we've tried to get together and I'm a little worried.  Have I done something to offend you or anything? Or do you have some stuff going on that I can help with? I miss you and would like to spend some time together even it is to help you clean the house or something."  

 

I personally disagree with the " don't discuss church or churchy things with her" idea. I have immediate family that are inactive, excommunicated and flat out make fun of any religion. Now that I think about it, from mine and my wife's side of mothers, fathers, brothers and sisters totaling 10 children and 4 adults, the majority of them don't want anything to do with the church. Are we still friends? Yes! They know who I am and what I believe. I make sure that I in no way show any judgment on them for anything they do on the grounds of religion. Based on ethics, sure. We actually all get along really well. 

 

If I can accept you for not believing and not living as I do, then you can do the same for me. If I choose to share that my son did a great job on Sunday giving a talk I am going to share it. Or that my wife and I visited such and such temple. Frankly, if they cannot put up with non-preachy church talk or dealing with the fact that you live differently, maybe they should distance themselves until they can handle it. If they are truly close to you, and want the relationship to work, they will make it work, just like you will. 

Edited by EarlJibbs
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While I agree with you in general, I think it also depends on how the relationship is at this point.  If I share that my son did a great job giving a talk on Sunday and the response is, "Yeah, well since he's talking about evil, monstrous and false things, I think you are horrible for allowing him to research a talk!"  then, no, I'm not going to share it.

 

Sometimes, for the sake of the relationship, you just have to avoid hot topics.  And if they need time to be angry, hateful or whatever towards the church, then I'll let them do that, but just not around me.  If it were just a friend, then I would allow the separation and be glad for it.  But when it comes to family, sometimes, you have to avoid the subject to salvage the relationship.

 

To each his own.  I have close family members that I cannot talk churchy stuff with them. I love them and they love me, but church stuff is a volatile subject right now.  So, we talk about other stuff and only in the remote, no-focusing-on-it-as-a-topic way is church stuff brought up.  

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Thank you! I'm not actually writing an article (though that's a good idea).

I guess you read my post in the 27 seconds it was up, before I read yoyoteacher's post and thought "oh, that's what she meant".  My apologies. It doesn't help the perception here that I am a raving lunatic.

 

I'm sorry to hear about your family member's behavior. It is likely temporary as she sorts things out. I do stand by my comments on separating church and gospel. It it better to focus on participation in the gospel more than church. One will lead to the other.

 

When I meet former members in public, I never bring up church. I try to find something else of interest, which is easy for me because I have a lot of interests outside of church.

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Talking church stuff and mentioning church stuff isn't exactly the same thing. I'd never not mention stuff, like I was afraid. Ask me what I did last Saturday and the answer will be that I went to the temple, no matter who you are. That's different than discussing religion though. I'm disinclined to discuss religion with people who are bitter and angry about it, and if they're disinclined to be preached to, then what good can come of it? If kids are around all it does is allow them to hear the bitter, angry things being said. I wear my religion on my sleeve. That's different than shoving it in people's faces though.

Edited by The Folk Prophet
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...My old seminary teacher and his wife (and four kids) left the church three or four years ago. He was in the Bishopric of his ward at the time, and had been the main release time seminary teacher for half our stake in Colorado for several years. They sent a letter out to people in the stake, mostly asking to be treated normally but also passive-aggressively attempting to shame those who had already said something unkind or changed in their attitudes toward their family. They even met with one of the Apostles, shortly after they resigned, who apparently asked them to reconsider. But they have made a huge nose-dive since then, did an interview with John Dehlin, are since divorced... but oddly enough both of them have since moved to Utah. They have cut ties with almost everyone, though on facebook it looks as if they are extra-chummy with all the former seminary students of his who left the church in high school or shortly thereafter. 

 

I think I know whom you are talking about. I listened to that interview and I was really surprised to find out that they did divorce. That's too bad.

 

M.

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Just love her, or them,and continue to be a good friend, specially if it's family.beefy and others have given you good advice. Communication is a key to all friend ship. In Time she will probably come along. Treat her like you would a less active sister. If she wants to talk, in time she might, let her talk and you listen..

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When I withdrew myself from the church, I felt that distancing from people was the main part of it.

Both now and then I like being on my own. When I was part of the church, the LDS members and friends I had seemed to know that & knew how to keep their distance. There was on the one hand no 'pressure' of any kind to stay with the Church. But there was also a keen sense that these people really cared about my decisions & wished that I would change my mind. I don't know how they did that complicated balancing act, but it was genuine, and I value it to this day. 

     Incidentally, when I still lived in my former ward, I happened to see an LDS friend by chance while driving. He gave me a tentative wave as his car passed in front of me. It is one of my regrets(& sins of omission) that I did not wave back.

Edited by lonetree
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If you decided and publicly made it known that you were leaving the LDS church, did you then find that you were distancing yourself from LDS people? Ward, friends, even family? If so, can you explain why?

 

Hi, Eowyn!

 

This is a topic I can address firsthand, as I resigned from the LDS Church earlier this year of 2015, and received my resignation confirmation letter within a few weeks of doing so.

 

My answer, as a blanket statement, is yes.

 

When it became known to family, friends, and neighbours, that I was officially no longer a member, an invisible wall slowly began to build itself. While, overall I was treated nice enough as a non-member, there are a handful of people that seem to think I have chosen my new path to live more worldly. This isn't the case, I left because I have not felt the peace in my heart and soul I was in search for as an LDS, and needed to breakaway and find truth for myself. I have come to conclusions that upset many of my LDS relationships.

 

The non-blanket statement is, I am still treated as I was before by many of my LDS family, friends, and neighbours - in some ways - I've become the black sheep that needs extra attention and love, which I just don't get, I'm fine and I'm genuinely happy. I've had to be blunt with a few of them that I no longer with to further discuss anything gospel related, and I'd say 90% of them are good about it.

 

Hope that helps.

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