Fiance cheated

[elizabetha]

My fiance basically began a relationship with a woman after about three months after we got engaged and three months before we were suppose to get married. It was with a woman from work who is 10 years older than him, she is married and has five kids. She told him that she had feelings for him (she was in a horrible marriage, her husband is just horrible) and my fiance reciprocated about a month later they ended up kissing on a few different occasions. He told me that when it started he thought he was losing feelings for me and thought he wasn't in love with me anymore. A month before our wedding my fiance told me and also our stake president. We broke up, but are now trying to work it out. Before it started he had to work everyday for over a month including sundays because the other supervisor was out of town. During this time we began fighting a lot, I was getting upset at him for no reason and I was dropping him off at work like that. We both weren't preparing well for our sealing, we were hardly reading our scriptures, praying, hadn't been to the temple since before we got engaged, we barely even read the marriage prep manual that our bishop gave us. We were both just really busy with school and work and I was stressed all the time and felt like our relationship was on auto-pilot. As long as i've known my fiance he's always been a righteous priesthood holder. This is so out of character for him and especially since the other woman is sealed to her husband. My fiance and I were friends for a while before we started dating and have been together for about two years. Its been almost two months since he told me and at first he was really emotional and depressed. He was crying all the time, he was upset that he hurt me and hurt her family. He kept telling me that he never thought he would do something like that. Now, he's been doing much better and is an even better boyfriend then he was before. I really believe that he'll never do anything like this again and I know that it is kinda normal for engaged couples to get cold feet and one ends up doing something similar and they still end up getting married eventually. The hardest thing for me is not knowing how this will affect our relationship if we do get married. Infidelity is everywhere, in movies, books, magazines, music, everywhere. How do we handle uncomfortable situations like that. People always say Satan is going to work harder on you now because you are engaged and to me that meant physical intimacy which we never had a problem with. I didn't think the adversary would be working on us emotionally. I just want to know if this is possible to get through and if its possible not to let this affect me in the future. I know it was just a kiss but its still hard. He's not done with his repentance process yet and hasn't gotten his temple recommend back yet. My bishop told me to be patient and that I wouldn't be able to make a decision until he has fully repented and has a clear conscious. 

[Just_A_Guy]

 I really believe that he'll never do anything like this again and I know that it is kinda normal for engaged couples to get cold feet and one ends up doing something similar and they still end up getting married eventually.

 

With all due respect--this is not mere "cold feet", and it is not normal.

 

Never make your marital decisions based on the words of a fiance who's crying. 

 

Trust your gut on this one.

Edited July 7, 2015 by Just_A_Guy

[Guest]

Run. Run fast and far. Be grateful this happened before the wedding.

[David13]

Well.  Good advice.

He's losing feelings.  He doesn't know if he loves you.  He's getting involved with a married woman.  He's fighting with you.

He's crying and emotional and depressed.

Doesn't sound normal to me.

dc

[Bini]

I concur with others, these are red flags, and I'd strongly suggest against marriage to him.

[Backroads]

If nothing else, cancel the wedding and the engagement. I wouldn't even call this an engagement delay. If you still want this to be a relationship, start from scratch.

[Latter-Day Marriage]

An engagement is not a covenant, you are not obligated to endure and suffer to make this work.  The temptation to stray will be there all his life and he has failed the test right at the start.  Very, very bad sign for the future and the wisest course would be to end this relationship and find somebody else.  I think that would be a blessing to you both, because then both of you can find your way to a marriage that doesn't start off already scared by something this ugly.  Dumping him is not being unforgiving either.  Forgiving him doesn't mean you pretend it never happened and go head with the wedding, it just means you don't hold a grudge against him.  You can forgive, wish him well in his life, and go your separate ways.

 

I would say the ONLY time to consider not breaking up when something like this happens is if there is solid revelation directing you do take that path.  Not some 'warm feeling' that it's right but revelation that you can not ever deny was God speaking to you no matter how much you wish you could deny it because there will be days you will wish you could deny it.  

 

In the exceedingly rare case that you get something like that, the job of creating reconciliation between the two of you is still up to him if there is to be any hope of salvaging this.  His tears are not enough.  Did he confess freely on his own out of guilt, or was he found out?  Is he sorry he got caught or sorry he did it?  Does his regret meet the level of the pain he has caused to all concerned, has he willingly come clean about everything, what changes has he made, what has he done to fix the situation and repair the damage he has done to so many?  That woman's husband was wronged too, has he dealt with that?  Is he willing to face church discipline and hold off on marriage until he is temple worthy again?  Do not marry him until you are sure beyond all doubt that he has passed through the fire and come out the other side a better man, but until then do not make a marriage covenant with him. 

 

I expect you do not have such a revelation from God, and in that case I would end it now and move on.

[AngelMarvel]

Marriage is hard enough without taking a boat load of baggage into it to begin with.

 

Maybe try to think about someone... anyone that has done you wrong even a little bit. Now think about the process of trying to forgive that person and not carrying that baggage with you of the hurt you felt. Forgiveness can be a hard thing to do even for some small things.

 

NOW... think about your fiance and what he has done to you....said to you.... the hurt that felt like. That's some big stuff going on there. Did it stop with only a couple kisses? This is a older and married woman. Did it go further? Is he really telling you the whole truth?

 

Can you really forgive him and go on with a life with this person that started out after only a few months of being engaged to ending up being with another woman, even if it only was a few kisses? What about when you think about how he told you that he thought he was losing feelings for you.

 

Whenever anything goes wrong in the marriage... AND IT WILL... will it trigger the incident and the hurt start over again? Or will it be something that you will bring up again and again only causing more problems?

 

All marriages, even the best have stuff happen where things need to be worked out...compromises made, and forgiveness asked. But, please don't start your walk with this person when things have already gone down the wrong path.

[Str8Shooter]

Listen to your Bishop.

[james12]

Now is the time to be honest with yourself and with relationship. Yes, decisions are hard. Yes, it may mean entering the dating pool again, but you cannot close your eyes to what has happened. There is no magic in marriage that makes a spouse somehow better. In fact, often the opposite is true. Here is a good comment from the ensign a number of years ago:

Denying the Lord’s inspiration and our own intuition can have disastrous results. Dr. Craig Horton, a marriage and family therapist in southern California, conducted an informal, unpublished survey among couples whose marriages had failed. When asked what had gone wrong, most of the participants cited a major flaw in the spouse’s character or some insurmountable difference. What surprised Brother Horton was that virtually all participants reported having sensed these flaws or differences before marriage, yet they had relied upon romance and love to overcome them. The saying is true: Keep your eyes wide open during courtship and half-closed after the wedding. https://www.lds.org/ensign/1994/04/dating-a-time-to-become-best-friends?lang=eng

Do you really believe you are the exception to the rule? Your boyfriend not only kissed another woman, but a married woman with children. What will happen when you are married and all the luster wears off?

[Guest MormonGator]

We are all human and we all make mistakes.

 

I generally agree with everyone else. 

 

However, something to think about-will you regret the "one that got away" when you are 40? 

[mdfxdb]

We are all human and we all make mistakes.

 

I generally agree with everyone else. 

 

However, something to think about-will you regret the "one that got away" when you are 40? 

 

I don't think she will have to worry about any regrets on this one.  He's a cheater.  I don't look back at my life and my relationships, and wish I was still friends with the guy who stole from me, or a girl who broke my heart......

 

He is human, let him live with his mistake.  You don't have to.  

[Guest MormonGator]

I don't think she will have to worry about any regrets on this one.  He's a cheater.  I don't look back at my life and my relationships, and wish I was still friends with the guy who stole from me, or a girl who broke my heart......

 

He is human, let him live with his mistake.  You don't have to.  

 I hear you and don't disagree. But someone needed to ask the "Will I regret this?" question. 

 

I remember once a woman who divorced her husband because of a one time affair. When asked at 60 (she never remarried) how she felt she said "I forgive him. But I haven't forgiven myself because I broke up my family". My heart broke for her. 

 

Yes, I know the situations are different and I know I'll be alone in my view, but it's still something to consider.

[NeuroTypical]

Mormongator's thing to consider is fine.  Here's how you go about considering it:

 

Basically, if you marry him, and he cheats on you after you're married, you are giving up your right to be shocked or wounded or hurt or destroyed or sad or depressed or injured, and you have no cause to complain.  Because that's who you chose to marry - you knew who he was by his behavior before you married him.

 

Here's some witty one liners that might help:

 

* Go into marriage with your eyes wide open, and then remain in your marriage with your eyes half closed.  

 

* If you pick him, you give up the right to gripe should he do it again.

 

* He did this once, that's on him.  Marry him and he does it again, that's on you.

[Backroads]

 I hear you and don't disagree. But someone needed to ask the "Will I regret this?" question. 

 

I remember once a woman who divorced her husband because of a one time affair. When asked at 60 (she never remarried) how she felt she said "I forgive him. But I haven't forgiven myself because I broke up my family". My heart broke for her. 

 

Yes, I know the situations are different and I know I'll be alone in my view, but it's still something to consider.

 

I see what you're getting at, Gator.  Many of us  know "that couple" who survived infidelity and lived happily ever after.

 

But... these were already married people desperate to make their marriages work.

 

You're not married, OP.

 

If you do think this is "the one", please please please seek premarital counseling before you go ahead with the marriage.

[Bini]

I had some more thoughts after reading MormonGator's and NT's comments.

 

 

I think it boils down to what your expectations are and what quality of marriage you're willing to live with. Is it possible for a cheater to never engage in infidelity again? Sure but I'd caution that it's very rare, from my own personal experiences in a past marriage, and from how some of my friends' marriages have panned out. Sometimes it's easier to think that you're that small percentage that will beat the odds, and you could be, but how much are you willing to risk? Are you willing to start a family and drag children through muck when x hits the fan? Things get really ugly when infidelity has a place in marriage and it'll be poisonous to your kids, too, not just you as the wife.

 

Saying all that, I don't believe marriage is a death sentence for a spouse that decides to marry someone who claims to have repented and swears that they will never fall into the red-flag-zone again (that being abuse, addiction, affairs). I believe that once a spouse has done one of those three, it is acceptable for the other spouse to say "enough is enough" and walk, of course, hopefully after some attempt at resolve as been made. But that's exactly what I did from my first husband - I walked after 5 years of a marriage riddled with lies and infidelity - I wasn't about to bring children into that mess!

 

G'luck!

[Guest MormonGator]

I see what you're getting at, Gator.  Many of us  know "that couple" who survived infidelity and lived happily ever after.

 

But... these were already married people desperate to make their marriages work.

 

You're not married, OP.

 

If you do think this is "the one", please please please seek premarital counseling before you go ahead with the marriage.

 All true.

[Floridagal]

Another voice to the chorus saying to go with your gut and give this time, his actions aren't just cold feet or 'normal'.

That being said I don't believe 'once a cheater always a cheater'-but honestly there needs to be such a level of transparency and openess that needs to happen in order to regain trust. Is this happening? Any 'questionable' moments" that he can't explain?  Any hiding of the cell phone or anything? That's not transparency, and that is a major red flag.

 

Anyway, yeah, listen to your Bishop and good luck.

[EarlJibbs]

 

 

it is kinda normal for engaged couples to get cold feet and one ends up doing something similar and they still end up getting married eventually

 

This isn't the movies. The woman at work was married with 5 kids. That doesn't sound normal at all. He isn't just a cheater, he is a covenant breaker. Add that with the fact that it was on a few different occasions? If he did this under whatever pre-marital stress he was under, what is he going to do with actual marital stress? 

[Vort]

To be clear: The fiance did not "cheat on" his fiancee, because they have no formal covenant. And he did not commit adultery; a kiss is a long way from sex.

 

That said, I agree with the general tenor of the comments. If you were my daughter, I would plead with you to break off the engagement.

 

Of course, what we know of the situation is only what you have told us. We have no other context in which to view these actions, or even to know how accurate your description is. So take everyone's advice here with a large grain of salt.

[NeuroTypical]

Except my advice - because my advice already contains 20 mg of sodium. 

[Bini]

To be clear: The fiance did not "cheat on" his fiancee, because they have no formal covenant. And he did not commit adultery; a kiss is a long way from sex.

 

I disagree.

 

Married in the temple, not married in the temple but are a couple, or unmarried but are an exclusive couple - if one partner engages in romantic kissing, sex, or otherwise activity that should be reserved for your significant other - is cheating, that's my opinion on it.

 

OP should be very careful and proceed with open eyes, whatever she chooses to do.

[Bini]

* Not married in the temple but ARE married. (Typo)

[Latter-Day Marriage]

To be clear: The fiance did not "cheat on" his fiancee, because they have no formal covenant. And he did not commit adultery; a kiss is a long way from sex.

 

When you get engaged, even if you are just boyfriend/girlfriend, the relationship has boundaries and obligations to be loyal to those limits. Not being married just means a different set of boundaries and an easier time ending the relationship.   He did betray her, he was disloyal and it was cheating.  The outward act was not the same as having sex with somebody else, but in terms of what was in his heart there is very little that is different.  Cheating is what happens in the heart far, far more than what happens with the body.

[elizabetha]

I actually regret posting this but there is no way of getting rid of it now. Anyway we've been working with our stake president and bishop together and have been working on opening up to each other and getting closer to Christ individually and together. I really was just looking for someone who has been in a similar situation and how they were able to work through it and if it is possible.