What things to consider in divorce process?

[njschafer]

Earlier this year my wife had an affair and wanted to leave me. I fought it and worked hard on our marriage, but fixing our relationship was not what she wanted. She has filed for divorce and we are working on the arrangements.

 

This is all so unfamiliar to me. What should I be thinking of and doing, especially legally? Have you been through it? What are you glad you did, or wish you did?

 

More about the nature of our situation:

- we have children. will have joint custody and 50/50 parenting time. My wife is leaving the church, but has said she will raise the kids mormon. I'm not sure what that will end up looking like.

- she has consistently been pursuing her relationship with the other man, including frequently taking our children with her to be with him and his son at his house, at events, out to eat, and so on.

- We have been married 15 years. For the past 7 years I put my career on hold to be a stay-at-home father so she could pursue her professional dream as a doctor while still having a parent at home.

- We are now separated, I am renting a small house nearby, and am now working part-time.

 

I have a lot of other emotional things going on, of course, but want to focus on one need at a time.

 

Thanks for any counsel you can offer.

[pkstpaul]

1) Give the mouring process about two years. Don't make large, or rash, decisions before then. 2) Don't be lienent in giving her more than her legal share. You need to protect yourself. Once the divorce is final, it is final. You can't go back and ask for more. 3) Based on your comment about her being with the the other guy...you are going to have to let that go. Divorce is divorce. She has her life and you can't be concerned with it. Kids or no. Letting go is going to take that two years.

 

It is hard. It is all hard.

[Vort]

You are the stay-at-home parent; thus, you should gain primary custody of the children. The fact that you are the man should make no difference. What's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander.

 

You should also be receiving alimony. Yes, alimony. Her medical degree was made possible by your career sacrifice of staying at home. You should benefit from that. Again, what's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander. Demand your sauce.

[Guest]

I'm sorry that you're going through this!

 

You need a really really good lawyer.  Somebody who has vast experience - and success - in defending fathers in a divorce proceeding.

 

You need to be strong for your children.  They need stability from you.  Don't criticize their mother in their presence if possible.  Whatever decision you make, you will need to consider their spiritual, physical, and emotional well-being.

[pkstpaul]

You need to be strong for your children.  They need stability from you.  Don't criticize their mother in their presence if possible.  Whatever decision you make, you will need to consider their spiritual, physical, and emotional well-being.

A friend of  mine taught me that childern are unable to separate a parent from themselves. In other words, they are defined by their parents. To criticize the mother, or father, is to criticize the child. It was an important lesson for me.

[Windseeker]

I think you should also get a good lawyer.

 

I also went thru this after 14 years of marriage except I was working and my wife was the home-maker. 

 

I'm truly sorry and just wanted you to know your not alone in dealing with this. I wish I had more to offer, my ex-wife really went off the deep end, so she pretty much agreed to whatever I wanted. So there really wasn't much other than having her sign allot of stuff. I ended up with joint custody me being the primary.

 

Stay strong mentally and spiritually. If you don't already I would recommend daily cardio and yoga and frequent temple attendance. You can grow from this tragedy and you will if you hold fast. Care and serve the little innocent victims in all this

[njschafer]

Thank you, all, for your counsel. It's all helpful.

So far everything is pretty amicable. She and I don't criticize the other in front of the children, and I intend to keep it that way. In fact, it's hard for me to criticize her even when speaking privately with others, but I'm starting to open up and allow it.

 

Legally, I appreciate the encouragement to not give up more than her legal share, which is where I was when I was trying to figure this out alone. She doesn't intend to give alimony, figuring that child support should cover it, so I also appreciate the support that it's OK to insist on it. I'm in a state where it doesn't come automatically and has to be fought for. I do have a lawyer I'll be working through.

 

I ended up with joint custody me being the primary.

 

I feel no need to keep my children away from their mother or have her be less a part of their life, so I'm OK with joint custody. Should I not be? So in joint custody, there's a "primary?" What does that mean?

I know she will do with her life what she wants and I'm not going to try to control it or obsess over it. I've accepted a new reality and am moving on. However, I have also been counseled by someone that I can insist on a clause that, for the sake of the children, no man sleep in the house unless married to their mother. (At one point her plan was to have him and his son move in as soon as I moved out). Also, that I can ask to have in the legal documents something to the effect of raising the children by the standards of the church (e.g. as outlined in For the Strength of Youth). These are things I didn't think of on my own or didn't know could be part of the divorce settlement, but was counseled needed to be fought for now, before it's too late to try.

[pkstpaul]

I know she will do with her life what she wants and I'm not going to try to control it or obsess over it. I've accepted a new reality and am moving on. However, I have also been counseled by someone that I can insist on a clause that, for the sake of the children, no man sleep in the house unless married to their mother. (At one point her plan was to have him and his son move in as soon as I moved out). Also, that I can ask to have in the legal documents something to the effect of raising the children by the standards of the church (e.g. as outlined in For the Strength of Youth). These are things I didn't think of on my own or didn't know could be part of the divorce settlement, but was counseled needed to be fought for now, before it's too late to try.

All of that sounds like trouble...meaning you are asking for problems. She has rights. Trying to take those away is just going to make a lawyer rich.

[Windseeker]

I feel no need to keep my children away from their mother or have her be less a part of their life, so I'm OK with joint custody. Should I not be? So in joint custody, there's a "primary?" What does that mean?

 

Basically I believe it means the kids live with me. I can't deny her visitation, but in all their decisions, school, religion, etc there is more weight to what I say. But none of this is tested in court because both of us have avoided that except for a small amendment that allowed the kids to move with me across the country.

[Just_A_Guy]

I know she will do with her life what she wants and I'm not going to try to control it or obsess over it. I've accepted a new reality and am moving on. However, I have also been counseled by someone that I can insist on a clause that, for the sake of the children, no man sleep in the house unless married to their mother. (At one point her plan was to have him and his son move in as soon as I moved out). Also, that I can ask to have in the legal documents something to the effect of raising the children by the standards of the church (e.g. as outlined in For the Strength of Youth). These are things I didn't think of on my own or didn't know could be part of the divorce settlement, but was counseled needed to be fought for now, before it's too late to try.

 

Talk to your lawyer about this.  There is debate in some academic circles as to whether such restraints are even constitutionally enforceable, and even if they are legally enforceable . . . what are you gonna do?  Set an Order to Show Cause hearing and subpoena your kids to testify against their own mother and her boytoy?

Edited August 3, 2015 by Just_A_Guy

[Guest]

JAG - I'm an idiot when it comes to divorce proceedings.  But, sometime ago, the thought that if the spouse committed adultery, you can fight for full custody of the kids and have a good chance of winning, entered my head.  Dunno how I got that idea.  Could be just a Hollywood movie fiction... but, is that true?

[Just_A_Guy]

Depends on the state, Anatess; but in mine, it's not that cut-and-dried.  The court looks to "the best interests of the children" overall.  In that analysis adultery might be a factor, but not the deciding factor and I daresay it becomes less important every year as our society continues to decay.  I probably wouldn't encourage a client to make adultery a big deal in a child custody squabble unless the children had been directly exposed to the adultery in such a way as to leave no doubt of the sexual nature of the relationship, the children had been asked to conceal the relationship with the other parent, or the children were experiencing clinically demonstrable symptoms of psychological damage that were directly attributable to the adultery (as opposed to the breakdown of the marriage generally).

Edited August 3, 2015 by Just_A_Guy

[Guest]

Don't feel at all hesitant or guilty about getting as much financial support as you can from her. You need it to raise the family she abandoned.