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LadyHanley93

In a abusive relationship and feel trapped

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I am a young female and have been dating someone for the past few months. I am a convert and it seems that being in my 20s is considered an old maid. This guy is verbally and psychically abusive to me. We do not attend the same ward but people in my ward including my bishop are starting to ask questions about why I am so sad and jumpy all the time. Honestly I have been in abusive realtionships in the past. It is reallly strange because my mom and dad where never abusive to each other in anyay. I guess I feel like this the best I can get and if I leave him I can forget about ever getting married.

Edited by LadyHanley93

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24 is not considered an old maid by most people. Even if it were, it's better to be an old maid than a battered wife. Get away from this poor excuse for a man!

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It is really strange because my mom and dad where never abusive to each other in anyway. I guess I feel like this the best I can get and if I leave him I can forget about ever getting married. 

 

..and you are willing to sell out your future children's happiness because you think it's the "best you can get"?

 

How you feel on your worst day in this relationship is how your going to feel most of the time, and now add the additional horror of him abusing your children or your children treating you poorly because of what they learned from him. 

 

Don't condemn yourself to a life of misery in order to avoid being lonely. 

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Why do you feel trapped?  What do you feel is going to happen if you dump this boyfriend?

 

How are you going to be available for Mr. Right when you've hitched yourself to Mr. Right-Now?

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YOU ARE A DAUGHTER OF GOD!!!  Anyone who treats you as anything less then that needs to be dumped *yesterday*.

 

Please, realize your worth, and stand up for the person God sent His son to die for.

 

 

PS-- Median age for women getting married in the US is 25.7.  Only about 1/3 of women are married at 24.    

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Have you repented? I assume so, since you've been baptized. Any guy who understands the Atonement will see who you are NOW. 

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Here's the tricky thing, and I think we're all working on this to some degree: you are underselling yourself. You are underestimating your worth. If you were my little sister, I'd give you a big hug and tell you that you need to break it off with him, and spend some time understanding Heavenly Father and what you mean to Him, and Jesus and what He did so that you could be clean of your past. Trust them and remember that you are Theirs. Once you see and understand that, the right kind of guy will, too. 

 

You are better than having someone hurt you, that is supposed to love you. You are so much more than that.  

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I guess not everyone will understand this. I am not exactly the most desirable because one I am convert

 

I have never known the status of being a convert as being "undesirable" to most young LDS men. Some might not like it, I'm sure, but I don't think most give it much thought.

 

and two I am not a virgin

 

In past years, I might have shared your concern. But today, and especially among converts, this is not unexpected. The sad truth is that many of our LDS young men and women, born and raised LDS, have not valued their chastity. How much more understandable for a convert.

 

I think you should just put this out of your mind and don't worry about it. There will surely be some young men who find this a dealbreaker, but I would guess that many, perhaps most, will not worry too much about it.

 

and three I have a very wild past.

 

As long as it really is the past (and hopefully didn't involve human sacrifice, forking your tongue, or seriously unpleasant choices in music such as death metal yodeling or the Biebs), I would put this in with the previous category. Don't worry about it.

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LadyHanley,

 

The power of the atonement is INCREDIBLE.  Yes, you might have done some poor things, but after repentance is... well, I'll just let the Lord Himself talk about it-- 

 

"Behold, he who has arepented of his bsins, the same is cforgiven, and I, the Lord, remember them no more." (DC 58:42)

 

"As far as the east is from the west, so far hath He removed our transgressions from us" (Psalm 103)

 

The Lord Himself has declared you clean, reborn as a new person in Christ.  The past sins have been washed away from as far as the east is from the west and the Lord Himself does not even remember them.  Believe in God and let yourself rejoice in the renewal of life.

 

 I can tell how much you've worked on improving yourself, and it is a great thing you are doing.  Trust in the Lord and let Him help you.

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I guess not everyone will understand this. I am not exactly the most desirable because one I am convert and two I am not a virgin and three I have a very wild past.

 

For what it's worth... I was not even a member, not a virgin, a wild past, plus a psychological disorder... and I still got married to the love of my life, my prince, the best man that ever existed on the planet besides Christ who was instrumental in my conversion and took me to the temple to become his eternal companion.  I was 27 years old and that was almost 20 years ago.

 

You need to change that negative self-image.  When you start seeing yourself as Christ sees you - as a woman worthy of His love and atonement - you will start to see all the great and wonderful things you do and can do... and as you start to value yourself, others will value it too.

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In about 75% of my relationships have been abusive to some certain extent and I am not making excuses for the guy. I asked for advice from one of my mother's friend she said perhaps I am not being submissive enough and not trying hard enough in our relationship. I hate to say that I do not accept that answer. I wish I could tell someone in my ward. My Bishop and Others have grown concerned about me. I try to balance time between his ward and my ward. I get calls from my bishop and hometeacher when I absent on Sundays. I feel I am pulled apart and feel isolated by members of my ward. I wish I could call my hometeacher and tell but I fear he would tell my bishop and the cops would be called. I just want to get out of this relationship no drama. I just want to forget that I met this guy. I wish I didn't put this much crap.

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Even the girls that I hometeach are starting to ask questions. My own visiting teachers and my hometeacher who does not have a regular companion met together on Sunday saying that they would like to have a meeting with me and talk to me.

Edited by LadyHanley93

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I guess not everyone will understand this. I am not exactly the most desirable because one I am convert and two I am not a virgin and three I have a very wild past.

Is THIS what he is telling you??? That is the biggest load of poo-poo I have ever heard! Get rid of him PRONTO! 

 

When you were baptized, your past was wiped clean. Your past relationships were abusive because you are looking for an abusive partner to punish you for whatever sins you wrongly think you have.

 

It is time for you to NOT be in a relationship at all. This is so you can put 100% of yourself into respecting yourself, and building up your self worth. Go to the Young Women's President and ask for the Young Women Personal Progress manual  https://www.lds.org/young-women/personal-progress?lang=eng  and ask her to help you to fulfill it. 

 

In every Ward and the Branch that I am now in, ALL of the sisters (from 12 to 102) have been encouraged to fulfill it. One of the sisters that I know has filled it out three times!  When I did it, not only did I fulfill all of the parts - - but I also built up my self worth, self esteem and became much closer to Heavenly Father/Jesus Christ and the Holy Ghost. 

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In about 75% of my relationships have been abusive to some certain extent and I am not making excuses for the guy. I asked for advice from one of my mother's friend she said perhaps I am not being submissive enough and not trying hard enough in our relationship. I hate to say that I do not accept that answer. I wish I could tell someone in my ward. My Bishop and Others have grown concerned about me. I try to balance time between his ward and my ward. I get calls from my bishop and hometeacher when I absent on Sundays. I feel I am pulled apart and feel isolated by members of my ward. I wish I could call my hometeacher and tell but I fear he would tell my bishop and the cops would be called. I just want to get out of this relationship no drama. I just want to forget that I met this guy. I wish I didn't put this much crap.

Your Bishop and your Home Teachers have been called by the Lord, have been given the mantel of stewardship for you. The Bishop is like the Father of the Ward. Not just the baptized members, but EVERYONE in the geographical area. If the Home Teachers did NOT tell the Bishop they would be wrong if you are in danger. 

 

I was married for 20 years to an abusive non-member. I had been in-active at the time, and he told me that if I really loved him I would never go back to church. He cheated on me, degraded me privately and publicly, beat me. The abuse he heaped on me what physical, emotional, verbal. He also threatened my single siblings and my Mom.

 

I finally turned to my Home Teacher/Visiting Teacher couple telling them that I just couldn't do it any more. I went back to church, told my Branch President (same thing as Bishop) and together the three of them encouraged me to leave the bum. My BP told my families Bishops (they were in two different states) so that they would all be on the alert in case my hubby went on the war path.

 

He didn't. Once I had actually left him, and told my family to be on the alert - he fizzled out like a deflated hot air balloon. I also told his two sisters and mother of the abuse he did to me. I opened up the closet door and let the *Entire World* see him as he truly was.

 

Took me many years afterwards to gather myself up and build up my self worth, self esteem and self respect. When I met him I was 20 yrs old. When I left him I was 50. We lived together for years before we married. The Gospel Principles of the church, the YW Personal Progress manual and the loving BP and my HT/VT of 25 years!! Loved me unconditionally- as will your Bishop(s), HT(s) and VT(s), not to mention the RS Presidency(ies).

 

Like I said, they have been given the mantel of stewardship over you. Allow them the blessings of helping you and loving you.   

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Are you in therapy?

 

With the issues you mention in this and your other thread, you would really benefit from it.  Your bishop can give you a referral.

 

Why are you worrying about "drama" if you dump the guy?  Are you afraid he will retaliate?  If that is what you mean by "drama" your Relief Society President, your home teacher, your bishop...all of these people are resources for hooking you up with the people who can help you do that safely.

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I am afraid of the gossiping and backfiring in My ward and my soon to be ex boyfriend.

I am not wanting my bishop to call the cops and make me press charges. I am not exactly wanting to give his name. Let's face if I do I imagine he will phone his bishop as well. It will make me look like I am not dateable in that ward.

Edited by LadyHanley93

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Why do you suppose anyone would think you are undateable for breaking up with a bully?

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I am afraid of the gossiping and backfiring in My ward and my soon to be ex boyfriend. My soon to be ex is six foot seven and weighs 375 pounds. I am not wanting my bishop to call the cops and make me press charges. I am not exactly wanting to give his name. Let's face if I do I imagine he will phone his bishop as well. It will make me look like I am not dateable in that ward.

 

So what if people gossip?  You are going to stay in a relationship - any relationship - just because someone might gossip?  I think there will be more of that in your imagination than will actually happen in real life.

 

I have no idea what you mean by "backfiring".

 

You mention your boyfriend's size for what reason exactly? To imply that this makes him more dangerous?

 

If this guy has physically assaulted you, what is your issue with the bishop calling the police?  No one can "make" you press charges.  However, in many jurisdictions, domestic violence charges are not dependent on you agreeing to press charges, it is automatically done by the jurisdiction.

 

Why would you withhold this man's name from the police?  Why would you not want his bishop to be notified? If he is behaving as you say he is, his bishop should be aware of the potential danger to other women. Why are you trying to protect him?

 

Your viewpoint of being perceived as "undateable" if you break up with this guy or if is known that is abusive is warped.  In fact, until you sort out with a trained therapist,  the issues you have regarding relationships, the best thing for you would be not to date right now.  A therapist can help you to learn the skills you need to make better choices and to better equipped to have a successful relationship.

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