do opposites really attract?

[Guest]

What is abusive about his behavior?

[Guest MormonGator]

What is abusive about his behavior?

 Be very, very careful about labeling his behavior as abuse. It's such a serious charge that you shouldn't really accuse it without proof. And by "proof" I mean "Very very solid evidence" 

Edited October 28, 2015 by MormonGator

[searchforhappiness]

What happened five years ago?  Maybe that is where you should start.

He betrayed my trust. He lied to me about something pretty big. It wasn't bad enough to keep him out of the temple, but he did break my heart.

I know that it's me having a heard time letting it go. I truly feel like I've forgiven him, I just can seem to forget.

Anyway, thank you all for your comments.

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

He betrayed my trust. He lied to me about something pretty big. It wasn't bad enough to keep him out of the temple, but he did break my heart.

I know that it's me having a heard time letting it go. I truly feel like I've forgiven him, I just can seem to forget.

Anyway, thank you all for your comments.

 

I suspect that is the real problem.  I'm not judging you, I don't know what happened and my family and friends think I'm not a very forgiving person.  They just don't understand me.   :)  As an abuse survivor, I'm tired of people telling me to forgive that is all.   But back to you, it is very common for us humans to cover our pain with anger.   I think you are still hurting from what happened, that's why you can't forget.  Until that wound is healed, then you will still hurt, and you will still be angry.   (understandably)

 

I really think that incident is what you need to work on to heal your heart and your marriage.  I don't know how that will happen, but the Lord knows a way.  Have you asked Him about that specifically?  (That's a rhetorical question, you don't need to answer.)  One of the things I have learned as a survivor is that because of the Atonement, Christ can heal us from emotional wounds, He cannot only repair the damage, but make you better than before.  If I were you, I would pray, fast, get a blessing, ponder etc about what you need to be healed of that pain of betrayal.  The Lord can heal your heart.  Sometimes it takes time though.  It probably won't be easy, but remember the scripture, "I can do all things through Jesus Christ who strengths me."  (paraphrased because I'm too tired to look it up.)   I think if you two can heal this, you can heal your marriage.

 

I have a friend whose husband was emotionally abusive.  Sometime after their kids were grown, my friend decided she had had it.  They separated.  They were separated for a year or two, but then a serious medical problem landed her in the hospital, in the ICU.  When she was released, they sent her home with him (her children lived too far away).  At first they lived together like roommates.  They not only had separate beds but they had romantic interests with other people, and they talked to one another about it.  (Yes, it was an odd situation, I'm not recommending it, but I do have a point, bare with me.)   As "roommates' they became friends.  And then best friends, and then they feel in love again.  They are so close now, you wouldn't believe all they have been through.

 

My point is that sometimes the strongest marriages go through great trials to get there.  I think the potential is still there for you and your husband to have this kind of relationship.  Go back to what happened 5 years ago, when that is really healed, I think everything else will begin to fall into place.  The Lord will help you.  You can do this!

Edited October 28, 2015 by LiterateParakeet

[Traveler]

He betrayed my trust. He lied to me about something pretty big. It wasn't bad enough to keep him out of the temple, but he did break my heart.

I know that it's me having a heard time letting it go. I truly feel like I've forgiven him, I just can seem to forget.

Anyway, thank you all for your comments.

 

Searchforhappiness,  I thought I would include an experience in my own life for my comments.  My wife and I are entering our 43rd years of marriage.  This story begins in about our 3rd year of marriage.  I had just finished college and started work when I was transferred to Maryland.  This was difficult because we had no family or friends within 2,000 miles and we were early in our marriage still trying to learn how to get along.

 

In our branch (actually so small a branch it was really a twig) was an amazing couple.  Dan was a dashing hansom test pilot for the Navy that was assigned to the state department and was a liaison with NATO - well connected in our nations capitol.  His wife was stunningly beautiful and a former flight attendant.  They had two sons - one younger teenager, the other almost a teenager - both were what everybody would want for sons.  They were the perfect couple and family.  I hated Dan because he was so perfect.  My wife would often compare me to Dan and say, "Why can't you be more like him."  My only defense was to respond with, "Maybe I could if you were a little more like his wife."

 

One day Dan and I spent a Saturday at the Church welfare farm (dairy farm on the Eastern shore of Maryland).  I got to know Dan a lot better.  He confided that his marriage has not always been so good.  At one time things got so bad he had moved out and both had contacted lawyers - they were getting a divorce. It had come to the last day and all he had to do was sign the papers.  But he started to think again.  He said he began to realize that everything that was good in their marriage was mostly because of his wife and everything that was a problem was something he was mostly the cause of.  He put off signing the papers and prayed about what he should do.  He determined that he would make an effort to make things right and make it up to his wife for the times she had been kind.  He then said the more he tried to make it up to his wife the kinder she was and that the success of their marriage was because his wife was so wonderful.

 

I thought I had the key to a great marriage - a wonderful and kind wife - all I had to do was convince my wife!!!

 

It was about a year later I was talking to Dan's wife.  She told me the same story but that she was the problem in their marriage and since almost getting a divorce she was determined to make it up to her husband.  What I discovered was that both of them were so foolish to believe that the other was the better partner and all that they were trying to do was return of a little of the others kindness.

 

It took me a few more years to get it but what I have discovered is that in every case where there are problems in a marriage each honestly believed that the main problem was their partner.  And in every good loving and successful marriage I have encountered - each believes that it is the other that makes it better - never that they are the ones holding things together.  This means that in every case where someone complains and believe that their partner is the problem - their marriage is failing and one of the main reason their marriage is failing is because of their attitude towards their partner.  I realize that there are abusive partners - but I contend that if someone follows proper courting procedures they will realize when their partner is abusive.

 

I have discovered I married up and that my wife is the better of us - I am the lucky one and every day I try to make it up to my wife - but she is always the better one.  Sure she has done some thing that have not helped but they are nothing compared to my mistakes - the problems only exist when I make them to exist.

[Bini]

I would agree with much of what others have said. He sounds like a good guy with some stinkin' bad habits. But let's not dust stuff under the rug, the truth is, it's the little things that add up and eventually become big things. If unaddressed, certainly, it can sour a marriage where one or both parties are unhappy. I didn't actually read anywhere in your initial post saying that you've confronted him about these concerns. Have you? What is his reaction? Could he possibly be dealing with something and has been keeping it from you? Maybe he is having difficulty coping with something and it has gradually (over the years) manifested in how he cares and values himself? I don't know how old your children are but if they are older, not little tikes, maybe you guys could do a family intervention? Approach Daddy and let him know that you love him very much but have noticed an "offness"?

 

Anyway, I'm not a professional but I'd say it wouldn't hurt to see one. Good luck!

[NeedleinA]

 I didn't actually read anywhere in your initial post saying that you've confronted him about these concerns. Have you? What is his reaction? 

 

Searhforhappiness- 

 

I may have missed it too, but I was wondering the same thing. Have you confronted him about your concerns in a no kidding way? In a "I am concerned that our marriage is about to fail" tone versus "lets work on some nice skills/habits"?

 

For all you know he could be harboring concerns about you too having started a similar thread like you did.

 

I know that harboring deep concerns only compounds the problem at least in your own mind and festers into deeper resentment. Can't verbalize your concerns? Worried by his possible in-person reaction? I would even suggest taking your time and writing down all of your thoughts and concerns in a letter to him. Give him a chance to read it all, internalize it, and then respond with a letter back to you. Does writing a letter sound odd? I assure you they are not, and have helped many couples express deep concerns without the fear of immediate retaliation, losing their voice or forgetting their thoughts in the heat of the moment.

 

I have seen your concerns thus far. You have had to clarify your concerns several times. This is in part what a letter does, gives you the chances think before you speak.

Edited November 3, 2015 by NeedleinA

[Traveler]

Rather than the concept or idea of confront - perhaps soften the idea a little and think of having a open and in depth discussion.  Confront sounds a lot like blame and I do not know of many episodes of blame in a marriage relationship that have worked out well.

[NeedleinA]

Rather than the concept or idea of confront - perhaps soften the idea a little and think of having a open and in depth discussion.  Confront sounds a lot like blame and I do not know of many episodes of blame in a marriage relationship that have worked out well.

 

Agreed, much better way of thinking of it.

[Guest]

It took me a few more years to get it but what I have discovered is that in every case where there are problems in a marriage each honestly believed that the main problem was their partner.  And in every good loving and successful marriage I have encountered - each believes that it is the other that makes it better - never that they are the ones holding things together.  This means that in every case where someone complains and believe that their partner is the problem - their marriage is failing and one of the main reason their marriage is failing is because of their attitude towards their partner.  I realize that there are abusive partners - but I contend that if someone follows proper courting procedures they will realize when their partner is abusive.

 

I have discovered I married up and that my wife is the better of us - I am the lucky one and every day I try to make it up to my wife - but she is always the better one.  Sure she has done some thing that have not helped but they are nothing compared to my mistakes - the problems only exist when I make them to exist.

 

Yes. This.

Edited November 4, 2015 by Guest

[Ffenix]

it seems that you each have your own problems and will have to work them out,whether together or apart. try and let go whatever resentment you're hold towards him, and he to you. IDK if he'll read this, but my point stands