do opposites really attract?

[NightSG]

Thank you for all the insights.

I had to quit because I just couldn't handle having a stressfull job and feeling like a single parent because my husband does nothing to help me. And I say he loves me and the kids because he says so, doesn't really show it in my opinion. I have to take my kids on outings by myself because my husband doesn't like to do anything, literally.

His health is my concern because he is obese (in the last 10 years) and now we have to deal with ED on top of everything else (high blood pressure heart diseases).

Hygiene, well it wouldn't be so bad if it was just BO.

He rejects any kind of help. He has always been this way, I have just reached my limit.

 

OK, let's look at this again:

• Doesn't fulfill household responsibilities
• Doesn't exercise, resulting in obesity
• Doesn't bathe properly
• No interest in family outings
• High blood pressure
• Problems in the bedroom

Am I the only one thinking it's way past time to stop treating the problems as separate issues and read them as symptoms?  Whether he wants help or not, he needs it, or this is going to keep going downhill.  When it bottoms out, you'll be wishing you could go back to just the list above.

[Str8Shooter]

...but we end up complimenting each other really well 

 

If my wife married someone exactly like her there would be a constant battle, if I married someone like me, nothing would ever get done. 

 

The other great part about it is that you find yourself acquiring the positive attributes of the other. Over the years I have seen my wife become much more relaxed and I have learned to be more direct and I also notice I get restless when there are things that should be done (rather then ignoring them). 

 

I think there is truth to opposites attracting in that we look for strength in others where we are weak.

 

 

If you and your wife both find that opposites attract, doesn't that mean that you are in fact not opposite but the same?

 

  

 

(Str8shooter's mind explodes)

Edited August 5, 2015 by Str8Shooter

[Backroads]

I read too much and could probably exercise more. Not to mention that bathing/showering every other day is my normal. I wash my hair once a week.

 

Seriously, if the hygeine bothers you, just ask him to shower or brush his teeth. And look into taking him to a doctor.

Edited August 5, 2015 by Backroads

[mrmarklin]

Nothing in your post sounds like a deal breaker.  You simply did not know he wasn't a match when you married.

 

I'll come back to my old thesis:  Date for at least a year before you marry someone.  One needs to see and experience the "life cycle" of holidays, vacations, habits etc.

 

Stay together at least until the kids are raised.  There is a ray of hope:  You do say he will clean up when asked!

[kapikui]

OK, let's look at this again:

• Doesn't fulfill household responsibilities
• Doesn't exercise, resulting in obesity
• Doesn't bathe properly
• No interest in family outings
• High blood pressure
• Problems in the bedroom

Am I the only one thinking it's way past time to stop treating the problems as separate issues and read them as symptoms?  Whether he wants help or not, he needs it, or this is going to keep going downhill.  When it bottoms out, you'll be wishing you could go back to just the list above.

 

 

This sounds a lot like depression.  She also stated that it's only been about the last five years which would indicate a relatively recent development.  How are things for him at work?  What's going on with finances?  Are there any other stressors (besides an unhappy wife, already a major stressor) that could be triggering issues? 

 

Speaking to a medical professional may be a good idea.

Edited August 6, 2015 by kapikui

[thoughts]

1)  Is he clinically depressed?

1a)  If his boss doesn't care about his un-ironed clothes, why should you?

2) How can you think you are successful when your children notice and repeat unkind things about their father  in your presence?   This comment made me wonder if you openly disdain him as well.   And if so, that may be why he is off to himself. t It is pretty rare that anyone changes because of other's criticism.

3)  Of course you are equal and should be articulating behavior that you would like him to change.  You are entitled to happiness too.   But maybe you need counseling to help you do that in a way that will get the results you desire.    And maybe Heavenly Father needs you to learn how to love someone with all of those faults so your dh can overcome his difficulties.

4)   This is one of the reasons we are counseled to keep a journal.   While you are going through this hard time, reading about the 14 good years would help you manage the tough ones.

6)   I am sorry it is so hard.   Remember to look for the good and accentuate the positive.

[NightSG]

1)  Is he clinically depressed?

1a)  If his boss doesn't care about his un-ironed clothes, why should you?

2) How can you think you are successful when your children notice and repeat unkind things about their father  in your presence?   This comment made me wonder if you openly disdain him as well.   And if so, that may be why he is off to himself. t It is pretty rare that anyone changes because of other's criticism.

 

1) They don't sell a urine test for that at Dollar Tree.  He's going to have to care enough to go to a doc to find out for sure.

1a) Does the boss really not care, or just not say anything?  If he doesn't have the drive to do anything, it could be just another reason to pass him over for promotions and such.

2) I would say that it's pretty rare that anyone improves because of that sort of criticism.

 

Talk to your bishop, SP, home teachers, his friends, whoever can get through to him that something is very wrong and needs to be fixed.

[searchforhappiness]

I need your help.  I came back because I feel this is the only place I can "talk" to someone about my marital problems.

 

In response to a few questions posted in the replies, here are a few of the details I left out before.  I don't know if they will really make a difference though.

 

*my husband is already taking anti-depressants.  Has been for a couple of years.  Maybe he needs to increase his dose, but I know he is dependent on them.

*he is always in pain everywhere because of his weight and takes about 1000 ml of advil everyday.  He knows it's bad for his liver, but does it anyway.

*we have read the 5 love languages and identified each of ours.  It hasn't really helped because even though I do try to "speak" his, he only speaks mine after we have a fight.  I am not motivated to continue to speak his language and I guess neither is he.

*we have been to therapy even though he didn't want to.  He said that the therapist and I would team up against him.  We stopped going because of the cost, but that really was for the best since we both felt we were not making any progress.

*his job needs him and will never let him go because the job he does is very critical to the company.  If my husband decided to show up in pajamas I think they would let him, they wouldn't like it, but they wouldn't fire him either.

 

My husband is over 40 and has not matured (I guess, according to previous post replies).  He acts like a child that needs to be told what to do.  Take a shower, brush your teeth, take out the trash, clean your room, join us for FHE and scriptures.  You know that meme where there is a skeleton waiting on the porch for his wife to get off facebook?  Well that's me, I'm the skeleton.  My husband is always on his phone either with social media or reading a book.

I already have 4 children, I want a husband, not another child.  Even though I hate telling him what to do, I have to sometimes, and unfortunately sometimes it's in front of the children.  My kids have even asked me "why is daddy like that?".  And as far as ironing his clothes, I make my other kids (haha, it just came out like that) iron their own clothes.  I make my kids fold their laundry.  I work full time (I quit in June but went back for my own sanity or insanity, I don't know you tell me).  I tell my kids "I'm only washing your clothes if they are brought to the laundry room".  I have not done my husband's laundry in a while because he doesn't pick up after himself and his hamper, which is never full because the clothes are all over the floor, is never brought to the laundry room.  I am not his mother!  When he starts acting like a husband, I will act like a wife.

 

I feel so alone.  I went to my bishop.  He spoke with my husband and is frequently meeting with him.  According to my husband, the bishop keeps telling him he needs to change if he wants to keep me.  The bishop pretty much told me that he and the stake president support my decision for divorce, which I know is not normal.

 

The only positive things I can say about my husband is that he landed, much by luck and not by talent, a great job (right place at the right time).  He also is very knowledgeable in the gospel, keeps his temple covenants and gives the best talks, lessons and testimonies you will ever hear.  The truth is that that is the thing that attracted me to him.  And even though I know that any woman with a less active or non member husband would love to have that, I feel/want more.  It's like he is Jekyll and Hyde.

 

I don't know what to do.  What do I have a right to want and ask for?

[Guest]

Have you tried doing anything anyone suggested? 

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

My husband is over 40 and has not matured (I guess, according to previous post replies).  He acts like a child that needs to be told what to do.  Take a shower, brush your teeth, take out the trash, clean your room, join us for FHE and scriptures.  You know that meme where there is a skeleton waiting on the porch for his wife to get off facebook?  Well that's me, I'm the skeleton.  My husband is always on his phone either with social media or reading a book.

 

 

I think if you want him to stop acting like a child, you need to stop treating him like a child.  

 

Goethe, a German philosopher said, "If you treat a man as he is, he will stay as he is, but if you treat a man as he could be and should be he will become what he ought to be."

 

You've tried everything else.  Try treating your husband like a grown man...that means stop reminding him do shower, brush his teeth etc.  Let him experience the consequences of his actions.  That is the best way for him to find the inner motivation to change.  

 

No offense intended, but from reading your posts, I feel strongly that BOTH of you need to change to make this marriage work.  

Edited October 26, 2015 by LiterateParakeet

[Vort]

For many men, "midlife crisis" is a very real thing. They see what they wanted to achieve, what the present reality is, and where that is likely to go in the next few decades, and they realize they have failed. For most men, it's a sobering moment. For some, it can become a crippling one.

 

Some, not a majority but also not a tiny minority, respond by doing something to try to jump-start their lives or claim some of the achievement or glory they feel they have "lost". Depending on the man's predilections, finances, and opportunities, this might take the form of a sports car or motorcycle, an affair, or a radical career change. Some men divorce their wives and run off with a younger or more attractive woman. Others just descend into a morass of depression and self-loathing.

 

I have also noticed that many women seem not to understand this at all. Maybe women aren't as susceptible to the "midlife crisis". Perhaps it's a mainly-male disorder, like male pattern baldness or fantasy football. I just wonder if this might be part of what your husband is dealing with.

[Guest]

Okay, do opposites attract?  I don't know about that, but I just happen to be in a marriage where we are opposite more than we are not. 

 

The way I see your problem - you married a guy and then you decided you don't like him anymore.  When you decided this, then everything he does that you find fault in becomes more forefront in your mind.  It just gets worse and worse because how you feel for him reflects on how he feels about himself.  Until now you have made it into you versus him.  I've been through a weight loss battle.  I got fat, I got depressed - I wasn't healthy and I started having aches and pains in my lower back and my knees.  So, I promised myself I'm going to do better.  I will diet and exercise and stay healthy... yeah.  It's not easy.  It is very very hard.  Everytime I try to put on something that doesn't fit I end up binge eating.  I went on a downward spiral that I can't get out of for a long time.  It was a herculean effort to finally stop the downward spiral and get myself psyched back to a healthy lifestyle.  This wouldn't have happened at all if my husband was not there loving me through my fatness and cheering me back to health.

 

So, the way I see it, you are going in the opposite direction of where you need to be.  I'll give you another slice off of my marriage to show you how my husband and I overcame obstacles - my husband is a football fanatic.  I can't stand football.  I have 3 choices - I can figure out what I can do to persuade him to do something else instead of watching football... or I can figure out what I can do to get myself interested in football... or, we lead separate lives half the year.  I decided to do #2, so I got interested in celebrity gossip of football players - so Tom Brady was facing Eli Manning on the Superbowl... I cheered my heart out for Eli because he married his high school sweetheart while Tom Brady left his pregnant girlfriend to shack up with some model.  But note all my choices... all of them is finding something I CAN DO to achieve unity and solidarity in my marriage.  I cannot control what he does.  I can only control how I react to it.  There's no point in me nagging him about his football obsession.  I knew he's a football fanatic before we were married and nagging him about it is just gonna make him stop talking to me.  That's just the way he is.  I can hate it, or I can learn to love him despite of it.

 

That's what you need to do.  You need to learn to love your husband despite of it.  What you also need to do is to look at this lack of interest in physical activity and personal hygiene and see if this is a symptom of health issues - physical or psychological health... Look at it as something he might have to change for himself.  Not for you - because you're going to love him in any way he comes.  When you decide you're going to love your husband unconditionally, then you can learn to help him overcome challenges to improve himself for his own sake.

 

And lastly, remember the goal - the goal is to unite yourselves with Christ.  To bring yourselves closer to Him.  Showing up to work in his pajamas is not gonna stop both of you from getting closer in unity with Christ.  Losing respect for your husband because he has no problem showing up to work in his pajamas is going to stop you from getting closer to Christ.

 

Hope this helps.

[Guest]

I'll have to answer in a very non-involved and less emotional way than you may expect.  So don't take this personally.  This is just how I have to talk.

 

It seems like the situation sucks.  There are so many interpersonal issues here on both sides that I find it difficult to see the details over the internet.  Regardless, it sucks.  And I don't think anyone has a real solution.

 

As for divorce, my personal rules are: Abuse, Adultery, Addiction, or a high-level felony.  He doesn't seem to be doing any of those.  

 

However, I had an acquaintance that married a man who was described as "useless".  What people meant by that was that he didn't have a job and expected his wife to support him.  He didn't help around the house.  He didn't do anything but sit around and watch TV all day.  People said that he wasn't fulfilling his priesthood obligations to his wife.  I don't remember if they had any children.  Many said that she would be justified in divorcing him.

 

I really don't know, myself.  It isn't in my personal list for divorce justification.  But a man like that certainly ought to be slapped around (figuratively) until he shapes up.  But I'm just not sure how to do that in a real sense in her case or yours.

 

I hope the best for you.

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

Okay, do opposites attract? I don't know about that, but I just happen to be in a marriage where we are opposite more than we are not.

The way I see your problem - you married a guy and then you decided you don't like him anymore. When you decided this, then everything he does that you find fault in becomes more forefront in your mind . . .

That's what you need to do. You need to learn to love your husband despite of it. What you also need to do is to look at this lack of interest in physical activity and personal hygiene and see if this is a symptom of health issues - physical or psychological health... Look at it as something he might have to change for himself. Not for you - because you're going to love him in any way he comes. When you decide you're going to love your husband unconditionally, then you can learn to help him overcome challenges to improve himself for his own sake.

And lastly, remember the goal - the goal is to unite yourselves with Christ. To bring yourselves closer to Him. Showing up to work in his pajamas is not gonna stop both of you from getting closer in unity with Christ. Losing respect for your husband because he has no problem showing up to work in his pajamas is going to stop you from getting closer to Christ.

Hope this helps.

I think this whole post is brilliant Anatess. SearchingforTruth, I sincerely hope you will take this advice to heart.

[omegaseamaster75]

You want him to act like a man treat him like one. You are right your not his mommy so stop acting like it. Be his wife and don't make it conditional on his behavior that is childish and petty. 

 

Here is the bottom line you married a guy that you knew for what 1-2 months? NOW we are shocked and surprised that he is not your prince charming? Sorry you made this bed and added insult to injury by having kids!!!!! 4 of them!!! 

 

Take some responsibility for your own actions

Edited October 26, 2015 by omegaseamaster75

[Vort]

Brief medidation of the phrase "opposites attract":

 

This is a statement of physics (electric charges), which come in two "opposite" flavors which we call "positive" and "negative". A positive charge repels other positive charges but attracts negative charges. Equal quantities of positive and negative charges create a net zero charge -- hence the idea of them being "opposites".

 

But the term "opposite," while mathematically sound, may be misleading. "Complementary" would probably be a better word choice. Complementary charges attract, while like charges repel, and paired complementary charges produce no field*.

 

I think this physics formulation has more applicability in making analogies to human beings. Complementary people do seem to attract each other, as if each is filling a hole or need in the other. Sometimes that strengthens both, while other times it seems to lead to unhealthy "dependency".

 

Okay, all done with my brief thought.

 

*Technically, a positive-negative pair constitute what's called a "dipole", which does indeed produce a characteristic field. But that field falls off to zero very, very quickly as the separation of charges gets extremely small compared with your distance from them.

[Guest]

I think if you want him to stop acting like a child, you need to stop treating him like a child.  

 

Goethe, a German philosopher said, "If you treat a man as he is, he will stay as he is, but if you treat a man as he could be and should be he will become what he ought to be."

 

You've tried everything else.  Try treating your husband like a grown man...that means stop reminding him do shower, brush his teeth etc.  Let him experience the consequences of his actions.  That is the best way for him to find the inner motivation to change.  

 

No offense intended, but from reading your posts, I feel strongly that BOTH of you need to change to make this marriage work.  

 

Yes. This. Yes. 

[Guest]

I discussed this in a very candid conversation with my wife.

 

...My husband is over 40 and has not matured (I guess, according to previous post replies).  He acts like a child that needs to be told what to do...

 

She mentioned that much of what you said above could also apply to me, though not as extreme.  I do take care of these things, but less than half the time.  So she takes up the slack.  I always did recognize this.  But I wondered how much she disliked it.  She said it would be better if I could do more.  But she understood that I'm just not home most of the time, so I can't help her.  And other times, I'm just too tired from working all the time.

 

...When you decided this, then everything he does that you find fault in becomes more forefront in your mind.  It just gets worse and worse because how you feel for him reflects on how he feels about himself.  Until now you have made it into you versus him...

...

And lastly, remember the goal - the goal is to unite yourselves with Christ.  To bring yourselves closer to Him.  Showing up to work in his pajamas is not gonna stop both of you from getting closer in unity with Christ.  Losing respect for your husband because he has no problem showing up to work in his pajamas is going to stop you from getting closer to Christ...

 

 

"How can I be expected to go through eternity with a man who eats a grapefruit like an orange?"

 

Then I saw Anatess's post and I realized this is exactly what my wife had been doing.  She just loved me unconditionally. She has always loved me, praised me, encouraged me, and prayed for me, even when I didn't deserve it.  And I also noted that it is because of her that I am the man I am today.

 

The bishop pretty much told me that he and the stake president support my decision for divorce, which I know is not normal.

 

If they said that, there has got to be more to the story or there is something in the situation that isn't coming through the internet.  I cannot imagine both a stake president and bishop both telling you to divorce him if this is the whole story.

 

I could imagine them being sympathetic, saying, "We don't blame you for feeling justified in getting a divorce."  But that is very different than, "Yes, we agree.  You should divorce the guy."

 

The more I think about it, the more I think there is hope here.  He may have a ways to go.  But it took 20 years of my wife's unconditional love to get me where I am today.  And I'm still flawed.  But we are happy together.  Just make sure that he loves you and is willing to try and to keep trying.  He may not be perfect.  But he can be perfect in his efforts.

[JojoBag]

Do opposites really attract and do they/can they stay together?

 

I need advice.  I have been married for 19 years, 5 of which have been very unhappy.  There has been no morality issues or abuse.

 

 

I don't know if I should ask my husband to change if he is happy being that way.  But the trouble is that I'm not happy, at all.  Just recently his health started to affect our sex life too.

 

I have asked friends for advice, even brought up divorce, but all of them of course don't know him like I do so they say "oh, he is such a great guy and I can tell he loves you!".

 

I don't know what else do to.  Please help.

 

Some advice I read and some that was given regarding our spouses bad habits was this: will that habit or "problem" keep him out of the Celestial Kingdom or is it something that just irritates you?  Only you know the entire situation, so, for me personally, I use that advice to determine if I should say something or not.

[searchforhappiness]

Thank you everyone for their thoughts and perspective.

I know "it takes two to tango", I know I have some changing to do as well. I don't claim to be perfect. I guess I just don't know how to love him unconditionally anymore. I pray for help to see him as a child of God, and I do try to serve him. I know his potential. I just can't take his lack of interest anymore.

And I didn't stop loving him because of his weight problem. I HAVE loved my husband "fat". He has been over weight for 12 years, we only started having problems 5 years ago.

I don't like telling him what to do either, but he says "oh I don't mind ". I really do try to not treat him like a child.

Anyway, the bottom line is is that I don't want a divorce, and I'm not asking for permission here, I'm asking for help. I know we both need help, I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm tired of feeling empty and alone.

And as for the football story (wife learning to love football), what am I supposed to learn to love? (sincere question here, not trying to be sarcastic). There is nothing positive I can think of to support.

By the way, he only supports what I want to do if it doesn't inconvenience him.

...............

Sorry, probably just rambling now. I'm tired and I spent a lot of time writing this reply.

[Leah]

 

 

 

 When he starts acting like a husband, I will act like a wife.

 

 

 

 

 

With the attitude illustrated above, I don't understand how you expect ever to have a successful marriage.

 

Are you this way in other relationships and areas of your life?  Stomp your feet and refuse to do the right thing unless others do it first?  Is your love for others conditional as it clearly is with your husband?  Only loving others if and when they do the "right" thing?  Or do things the way you want them to do?

 

You expect your husband to act like a husband regardless of your behavior, but you will only act like a wife if he acts like a husband first?  Pretty hypocritical, don't you think?

[Guest]

Thank you everyone for their thoughts and perspective.

Anyway, the bottom line is is that I don't want a divorce, and I'm not asking for permission here, I'm asking for help. I know we both need help, I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm tired of feeling empty and alone.

And as for the football story (wife learning to love football), what am I supposed to learn to love? (sincere question here, not trying to be sarcastic). There is nothing positive I can think of to support.

By the way, he only supports what I want to do if it doesn't inconvenience him.

...............

 

 

Hi search, I know it gets really frustrating, and I truly understand that this is a hard road for you.  I hope you can believe me when I say, the more you think inwardly, the more you're going to be miserable.  I grew up in the Philippines - divorce is illegal there - so I am very familiar with people who struggle in their relationships having to batten down the hatches and work through it... abuse, adultery, addiction, the whole works.  One thing I have learned growing up, happiness should not rely on what your husband does for you.  Rather, it should rely 100% on what you can do for your husband.  That act of service is what you should see as happiness.  Have you ever done something... like drop a bunch of coins in a Salvation Army bucket at Christmas... and just felt really good about it even if nobody saw you do it and so the Salvation Army dude didn't even bother to thank you?  It felt good not because somebody thanked you and made you feel like a hero but rather it felt good because you were able to drop a bunch of coins in the bucket?  That's the feeling that will make you happy.  I know it sounds strange and koo-koo talk, but I tell you, it really really works.  And this is what Christ has been telling us when he washed his apostles' feet.

 

The football story... the point of that story is not finding something to love about football.  The point of the story is the decision to love my husband regardless of his obsession for football.  So, what are you supposed to learn to love?  Your husband.

 

This is a thing my sister-in-law posted on Facebook:

 

I replied to this post:

Dear Men.

I don't care about your time, your smile, your honesty, your effort, and your pedestal.

You just need to be <my husband's name here>.

 

That's really all there is to it.  You look at your husband and find the good things in him and magnify THOSE instead of looking at all his faults and magnifying those.

 

Don't worry about what he does for you.  Just worry about what you can do for him.  Find joy in being able to put a smile on his face by 10AM every morning, or something.  Work towards that.  The more he feels like a King, the happier you get because you did that.  You made that happen.

 

So you might ask, "but what about me?".  Don't worry about it.  Trust in God.  Have faith.  The more you lose yourself in service to another, the lighter your burdens become.  That's what Christ promised.

[Guest]

I pray for help to see him as a child of God, and I do try to serve him. I know his potential. I just can't take his lack of interest anymore.

 

I'm asking for help. I know we both need help, I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm tired of feeling empty and alone.

 

...what am I supposed to learn to love?

 

 

45 And charity suffereth long, and is kind, and envieth not, and is not puffed up, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil, and rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in the truth, beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.

 

46 Wherefore, my beloved brethren, if ye have not charity, ye are nothing, for charity never faileth. Wherefore, cleave unto charity, which is the greatest of all, for all things must fail—

 

47 But charity is the pure love of Christ, and it endureth forever; and whoso is found possessed of it at the last day, it shall be well with him.

 

48 Wherefore, my beloved brethren, pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are truefollowers of his Son, Jesus Christ; 

 

This may sound too trite at this point.  But let it sink into your mind, heart, and soul.  

 

Charity is not something that a mortal can develop on one's own.  It is a Gift of God.  Both of you must use all mortal means to develop it.  Then both of you must pray with all the energy of soul to be blessed with charity.

 

Both you AND your husband must agree to develop this to save your marriage.  I know you said you don't want a divorce at this point.  But if both of you don't have this as a goal (obtaining charity) then it will be for naught.  For if ye have not charity, ye are nothing.  And if you can't have charity for your spouse, who are you going to have it for?

 

I'm going to say this one more time.  You cannot simply read these verses and say, "Yeah, yeah.  I know these verses."  You must read them until you recognize how important charity is in your marriage.  Then you must love him enough to get him to recognize it.  Then as a united couple, strive for charity above all.

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

What happened five years ago?  Maybe that is where you should start. 

[pkstpaul]

As for divorce, my personal rules are: Abuse, Adultery, Addiction, or a high-level felony.  He doesn't seem to be doing any of those.  

 

I disagree on this point. I thing his behavior is abusive and he has an addiction.

 

To the OP: what does the picture look like with a divorce?  It can't be pretty. You best find some happiness in doing things for yourself and wait for husband to catch up.