Advice about boyfriend addicted to pornography


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So my basic questions are,

1. Would you ever recommend marrying someone that has a porn addiction?

2. What is a reasonable amount of time to expect for him to achieve sexual sobriety (assuming he is enthusiastically working on recovery)?

3. What is a reasonable amount of time for him to be sober before considering engagement?

 

Now for some background.

 

I know that pornography is a HUGE problem that is mostly unspoken in the church. My parents went through a very, very messy divorce where the stem root of the problem was pornography (which led to other, serious things). Basically, my boyfriend and I are both fairly new to learning about REAL porn addiction recovery and neither of us is sure of what a realistic time line looks like (I recognize that recovery will take several years to a life time, but abstaining from pornography and treating triggers don't have to). We have both been doing research and learning a lot, but I would still like some additional advice. :)

 

My boyfriend and I have been dating for about 9 months (we have been friends for almost a year and a half). We broke up for a time then got back together 2 months ago. We became much more serious when we got back together and I found out that he has a porn addiction (I asked him). He admits to looking at porn since he was a young teenager (11) when he found it by accident. Since then, we have been working together with this problem, but I feel like it is driving a wedge in our relationship.

 

However, I feel like he has been very open and honest with me. Without me having to ask or prompt him, he has been meeting weekly with his bishop, going to a 12 step meeting each week, found a sponsor (he can't start a sponsor program until September for other reasons outside of his control), started journaling and working through the 12 step program, set up a filter on his computer and is accountable to me daily about whether he had problems with triggers, lust and/or pornography that day. Based on his accountability reports, he currently views porn about once a week. He has told me that he is willing to do whatever it takes to stop. We have frequent open, honest conversations with each other about progress and how we are both feeling about the subject.

 

I by no means feel 'stuck' in this relationship or like he is trying to convince me to stay. He has told me that if I decide to break up because of his porn addiction that he understands and he won't hate me. He says that he will continue to work on recovery whether or not we keep dating. So basically, I am not the driving force behind his desire to change. I don't feel manipulated or controlled by him and he treats me respectfully and very well. It's very important to both of us to marry in the temple and we both agree that we wouldn't consider getting engaged until he has a full use temple recommend. We haven't crossed any boundaries physically (or even come close) and he doesn't try to push physical boundaries that we have set up.

 

Overall, I think we have a great relationship. Without his pornography addiction, I would marry him. I know he wants to marry me. Any thoughts on this situation?

 

Amy

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Since then, we have been working together with this problem, but I feel like it is driving a wedge in our relationship.

 

However, I feel like he has been very open and honest with me. Without me having to ask or prompt him, he has been meeting weekly with his bishop, going to a 12 step meeting each week, found a sponsor (he can't start a sponsor program until September for other reasons outside of his control), started journaling and working through the 12 step program, set up a filter on his computer and is accountable to me daily about whether he had problems with triggers, lust and/or pornography that day. Based on his accountability reports, he currently views porn about once a week. He has told me that he is willing to do whatever it takes to stop. We have frequent open, honest conversations with each other about progress and how we are both feeling about the subject.

 

My opinion:

This is totally, completely, 100% inappropriate. If you were actually engaged to be married to him, I would still say it's inappropriate. Unless you are his wife -- which you are not -- his pornography addiction and recovery are none of your business. He has absolutely no accountability to you. Let him deal with his problem as he sees fit.

 

It's your business only to the extent that you might marry him, which for now means it is 0% your business. For the time being, butt out. Completely.

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My 2 cents.

1) If they are worthy to have a temple recommend, then yes.

2) Don't know, depends on the person.

3) Don't know, depends on the person.

 

The statistics are pretty daunting.  I know it is really difficult for the older generations to comprehend simply because they didn't grow up in an environment as toxic as today's environment.  The cold hard facts are this:

Based on the best data I can find roughly 70% of men ages 18-34 visit a porn site in a typical month. That number probably doesn't change too much when taken LDS (or religion) into account (even if it is cut in have that is still roughly 1/3rd!)

http://rowboatandmarbles.org/silent-seventy-percent-of-lds-men-look-at-porn

http://mormonmatters.org/2009/03/03/dissecting-porn-a-look-at-some-interesting-statistics/

 

It is a serious problem, especially among young men and a relatively new problem.  25 years ago, if a guy wanted porn, he either needed to buy a subscription to a magazine or go to a seedy place in town-both of which served as inhibitors to actually acting out on any desire. With the internet, those inhibitors are gone, in 2 seconds a red-blooded male can get access to anything to satisfy his desire without "affecting" anyone.  

 

So to a large extent anyone over the age of say 55 will have a hard time comprehending the magnitude of this issue-simply because during their formative years-it wasn't a huge issue.  For kids they'd have to sneak their dad's magazines (if he had them) and if he found out, dad would probably blister their rear-end. I say 55 b/c they would have been 30 by the time the internet really started coming around and being accessible and by that time (at age 30), most habits are pretty ingrained. Not to say that it doesn't ensnare individuals from all ages, but that the age period where it will snare the most will be youth to middle adulthood.

 

I will also say there are many different levels and layers of addiction (and before I go any further-I make perfectly clear it is all bad-it is just different levels of bad). High-functioning addictions can hold steady jobs, love their families, be good dads; low-functioning addicts can do none of the above and the addiction consumes them.

 

I agree with Vort though; do not take this problem on as your responsibility-it is not. It is probably one of the hardest things for women to understand. The absolute best thing a porn addicts wife can be . . .is to be a wife-not a mother-but a wife. It is his fight and his fight alone-it doesn't mean (if he were married) he won't need support of a wife-it just means that he and only he can be the one to conquer it. He ultimately has to be accountable not to you-but to himself (and to God). 

 

No one is perfect, we all have our flaws in life, we all need the atonement.  You could marry this guy-he thinks he's got it beat and 5 years later the guy is a low-functioning addict and he can't provide for you.  You could marry some other guy who has never had a problem with it in 5 years you get into stressful marital situations and he goes down the rabbit hole of porn and never comes out. Some roads are longer to travel than others-porn is probably one of the longer roads to travel-but unfortunately in today's society more and more people are traveling that long road.

 

Who knows . . . only God.  The one thing I do know; if you want to make a marriage work-it requires 2 people committed to each other to work through whatever curves life throws at them, good, bad, ugly. It requires men to be men and husbands 1st and for women to be women and wives 1st.

 

Honestly, it will probably take another generation before that number starts to come down.  What will bring it down is a generation who has had to travel that long hard road that got on that path simply because of new technology.  That generation who has traveling that long road will more likely than not be a lot more wiser when it comes to teaching their children about the dangers and putting into place appropriate safeguards. 'Cuz I sure know-it wasn't really talked about to much when I was growing up (b/c it wasn't perceived as a real danger-a few conference talks but that was about it), but I know that I will most certainly be educating my children!

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I know that pornography is a HUGE problem that is mostly unspoken in the church. My parents went through a very, very messy divorce where the stem root of the problem was pornography (which led to other, serious things). 

 

If I actually had to guess-the pornography was simply a symptom not the cause of the divorce.  I can almost bet dollars to donuts there were serious issues and problems before the porn. Porn doesn't just pop-up as a major issue in a healthy satisfied relationship.

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Don't let your feelings cloud your judgement.  You are not just picking a husband for yourself, but also the man who will be the primary male role model for your children and the priesthood leader of your home.  If you do not have a conviction in your heart that he will measure up and know for a fact it has been planted there by God, don't do it.  I'm talking about having a confirmation that is far more than 'I prayed about it and feel good'.

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Anatess' "Divorce is Not An Option" marriage 101 FAQ:

 

1.)  This guy has X problem... Should I marry this guy?

 

Answer:  It doesn't matter what problem it is - he's a serial killer, addicted to porn, or just that he picks his nose in public... the answer is the same.  You marry the guy who you choose to be a helpmeet for FOR THE REST OF YOUR ETERNAL LIFE.

 

That means that you are willing and happy to take on X problem and face it with him together.  You will be there to fully exercise the 2nd greatest commandment to Love Your Husband As You Love Yourself.  There is no conditions here.  Jesus did not say - Love him unless he doesn't rise up to your expectations then you don't have to love him anymore.

 

Now, what is love?  Love is your desire to bring another with you to Christ.  This is not just jelly knees, butterfly in the stomach, feel good stuff.  This is hanging on the cross for somebody stuff. 

 

Now, if you're willing to be by his side and help him face porn 100% as a team and strive to help him overcome this weakness to bring him closer to Christ... FOR THE REST OF YOUR ETERNAL LIFE then go marry him.  If you even have 1 iota of doubt that you can do that - or that if you find out the day after you get married or 30 years after you get married that he has/starts to have Y problem too - from serial killer to picks his nose - and you just can't deal with that at all... don't marry him.

 

Good luck.

Edited by anatess
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Hi amydee11, 

 

I agree with Vort and yjacket in that you can't take this upon yourself. It might feel good to think you can help save this young man who you have grown to care about, but putting yourself in as part of his recovery process is you being in the wrong place at the wrong time. You have seen that it's driving a wedge between you and that is because you are involved where you shouldn't be. 

 

Imagine if you marry him and have given him every part of yourself and he continues to struggle with viewing pornography, how it's going to affect your feelings for him? When you're hurt and don't feel like being intimate, if he's weak, he might blame you for not being able to overcome his addiction. Or perhaps he will no longer share his failures with you because he doesn't want to hurt you. If you think it's no longer a problem then find out he still is struggling, how will you feel then?

 

No amount of beauty or intimacy will solve his problems. It's ironic that even women who work in the pornography industry would be just as ineffective at curing their spouses of a pornography addiction. 
Despite this fact, women who's husbands struggle with this often encounter feelings of not being good enough, pretty enough, skinny enough etc. 

 

The most a spouse can hope to do in these situations is offer understanding, compassion and love and cheer from the sidelines, which means not take it personally and not get sucked into it emotionally.

 

Like yjacket said there are high-functioning and low-functioning. But even high-functioning are struggling and facing the abyss unlike those who completely overcome and put aside their addiction.

 

To his credit this young man looks like he is facing this head on. He is honest and open and I'm sure he's a good guy. While I agree he treating you with respect, pulling you into this in any way other than making you aware of it is inappropriate. 

 

You have already identified a wedge between you and you can be certain any feelings you have now will be magnified after your married. I would recommend you step back till he resolves this on his own.

 

 

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I'm siding with Vort on this. I will also say that you (the two of you) have made this a focus of your relationship, or at least too much of a focus. I'm reading your description and thinking you both are addicted to porn. He watching it and you curing it. It is almost as if he is using it to manipulate you. The focus appears to be at an unhealthy level.

 

There are other guys; better men. Let this one go and find a healthy relationship.

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Recovering porn addict here, but one with daughters of my own who will one day be getting engaged. That makes me unbiased. ;)

1. Maybe

2-3. Porn isn't like heroin, where you need to slowly phase down your usage or do a methadone taper. IMHO he should be able to get "sober" tomorrow. That doesn't mean there won't be relapses--maybe frequent ones, in the early stages of recovery--but I think a porn addict is doing pretty well to go 3-6 months between relapses. But, I wouldn't marry one who hadn't done a sobriety period of at least nine months. If he relapses during the engagement, I'd punt the worthiness issue to the bishop--what concerns me more as a prospective spouse is, whether the relapse was timely disclosed.

Other thoughts:

--Accountability--especially with relapses--is good, but beware of codependency.

--I understand the view of "it's not your problem until you're engaged/married", but I don't share it. IMHO a girlfriend/boyfriend should be made aware of the issue, and the steps being taken to deal with it, as soon as the parties are seriously talking about marriage. And I think you have a *general* right to know how he's doing, sobriety-wise. That said: you definitely aren't his mommy or his mother confessor, and you shouldn't have to be in perpetual watchdog mode. That's what sponsors are for. :)

--One week between relapses is a start, but IMHO he needs to step up his game if he wants to get married.

--Let him know that extended sobriety, over months, is important to you; but don't give him a specific number of months just yet. Addicts are great at meeting minimum expectations and then crashing and burning once we've jumped through the hoops others have set for us.

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Hi Amy! As usual with relationship threads, I'll qualify my opinion by saying I'm still a young single adult and haven't exactly got experience with this topic. But that hasn't stopped me before!

 

Regarding accountability - I think there are better ways. I suppose if weekly accountability to you is what the bishop recommended for some reason, that's different, but I seriously doubt it would be. Your best way to support him is to love and serve, which can be done in simpler and more effective ways. Don't get me wrong; openness is great! Your situation is certainly much better than the many cases out there where this kind of issue is hidden away and kept secret until marriage or longer. And of course, to the degree that you are considering eventual engagement and marriage, he needs to make you aware of what's happening. Because of that, I would say occasional (not weekly) updates are good, but that's not so much for his accountability as it is for your sake I think. Your support to him isn't dependent on your knowledge of every mistake he makes. His bishop and the Lord can handle accountability for repentance purposes.

(Important side note: because his repentance is in no way dependent on you, there is no need to feel guilty if you decide it's best to move on for any reason. You aren't in any way obligated to stick around and take these emotional risks. It's entirely your decision. Don't forget that.)

 

While I strongly echo the words of caution given in this thread (more on that next paragraph), I first want to mention that there's something critical to consider in yjacket's post, and it's part of the key to knowing how to move forward I think. If you're looking for someone who's never had any issues with this, it's not an easy search anymore. It can absolutely be done in many cases and is ideal. Having said that, the sad fact is there aren't exactly enough people who fit that requirement to go around. The good news? It isn't necessary to find such a person because repentance is possible. The Atonement can completely cleanse a person of pornography, or worse. Without Christ it can't be done; with Christ, true and complete purity is not out of your boyfriend's reach. I think it's wrong to suggest otherwise by saying not to marry him under any circumstance. The fact is, we all need the exact same cleansing and purifying as much as he or anyone does, whether we've faced pornography or not.  ;) That's why the importance of being sure the problem is actually in Christ's hands.

 

That brings us to my main point; one I haven't seen made directly on this thread yet but which you'll need to consider very carefully moving forward. If you don't listen to anything else I say, listen to this: It is completely possible for someone to achieve temporary sobriety without turning the problem over to the Savior! It is possible to go through the motions of talking with the bishop, 12-step, etc, etc, without ever leaving the issue with Christ! So the good signs you have seen are awesome, but they're not enough. His sobriety over X months/years is necessary but still not sufficient. The change cannot be superficial in any way. It has to be given to the Savior. You have to be sure on this one. I can't effectively tell you how you'll know either way, but pray often for the gift of discernment as you're considering this relationship. Learn to see and feel and discern virtue and light in a person, and make sure he's got it before you even think marriage.

 

Yes, I'm sure there's already some light in him - he seems sincere enough from your post - but don't be fooled. There's a difference between that and the purity and virtue you're after - a difference between getting back to the iron rod versus actually tasting the fruit of the tree in some measure. We're talking about that which can only be restored by the Savior once lost. We're talking about deep, powerful, abiding virtue and light. Learn to see it in the prophets and apostles and others you would see speaking in general conference. It's the easiest to see in them. Then find it in other people in your life you know are on the right path. Then see if you can find it in him later, when he's got a recommend. If you never find it in him, never marry him. Ever.

 

The irony is that even if you're sure about this, you still need to be willing to love unconditionally for up to a lifetime if the problem should resurface. Only when you have discerned virtue in him and unconditional love in yourself (and him) can you even consider marriage. It's a lot to ask of all involved, but it's what's needed for this to work.

Edited by Josiah
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So my basic questions are,

1. Would you ever recommend marrying someone that has a porn addiction?

2. What is a reasonable amount of time to expect for him to achieve sexual sobriety (assuming he is enthusiastically working on recovery)?

3. What is a reasonable amount of time for him to be sober before considering engagement?

 

 

1. NO! LEAVE NOW!

2. See answer 1

3. See answer 1

 

However, I feel like he has been very open and honest with me. Without me having to ask or prompt him, he has been meeting weekly with his bishop, going to a 12 step meeting each week, found a sponsor (he can't start a sponsor program until September for other reasons outside of his control), started journaling and working through the 12 step program, set up a filter on his computer and is accountable to me daily about whether he had problems with triggers, lust and/or pornography that day. Based on his accountability reports, he currently views porn about once a week. He has told me that he is willing to do whatever it takes to stop. We have frequent open, honest conversations with each other about progress and how we are both feeling about the subject.

 

Are you his mommy or his girlfriend?

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I'm on the side of marriage is hard enough without entering knowing about an addiction--even as I think such things should be discussed before marriage so both parties know what they would be getting into.

Nor giving a solid no, but I certainly wouldn't recommend it. People should be in a good spot before entering marriage and as many problems as possible should be taken care of first. Fewer issues entering, the better. Not saying people are completely void of issues, but don't expect a potential spouse to just deal with all of them, either. That's a requirement for marriage but not entering the marriage.

I wouldn't worry about his porn for now. Take engagement discussions off the table including any thoughts of fixing him for marriage or being obligated to stick by him.

And I'd only suggest being the porn help buddy of you really really want to.

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Satans plan was for us to come to earth and be perfect people without temptation or sin. If you are looking for that one man that has no sin nor temptation, good luck.

 

Jesus's plan was for us to have free agency, in other words his plan calls for us to sin, repent, sin, repent, sin, repent etc..

 

The key is to always be humble enough to repent and "hungering and thirsting after righteousness". If your boyfriend is humble and sincere in his repentance then I think you found a great guy. Your life together may not be all roses and peaches but in the end the Savior has both your backs.

 

About 18 years ago when my late Grand parents were in their early 80's they got called into the temple when an apostle was visiting. Strong speculation was that they had their calling election made sure. Yet when they hit their mid 80's my grandmother got mild dementia and kept asking the same questions over and over, My grandfather got so irritated that he yelled at her half the day. I was overwhelmed with the anger that my grandfather displayed to his wife, and yet here was a man of the priesthood that is destined for eternal exaltation? sin, repent, sin, repent, etc...

 

Once again..."humble yourself before God, hungering and thirsting after righteousness" - (Joseph Smith teachings p.150)

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I'd completely break up and tell him if he ever got to the point where he had a year sober and could show personal growth during that time, and faithful behavior and service (don't describe that for you as you don't want him checking your boxes, you are hoping he'll havea change of heart)  and had definitively determined that he was not just clean because of someone, but was done with porn, then and only then should he call me and ask if I was still free.

 

Many women will tell you about their dh who quit for them either before or after marraige and it didn't last.   He's known for a long time about this problem, heard lots of talks about it.    Whether he will permanently conquer it you will never know even  if he quits this time for you.

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I think we tend to throw around the word "addiction" with these sorts of things a bit too cavalierly.

 

 

That being said, my answers/thoughts:

 

1. Run for the hills!

2. Somewhere between one day and never*

3. Ten years. But also 1 day. Except you could never trust someone with only 1 day. So ten years.**

 

If someone "has" a porn "addiction" I would run. Break it off. Get out! Get away!

 

If someone "had" a porn "problem" then that is a different matter.

 

It is trendy, due to the common nature of it in our internet age, to treat this sort of thing as if it isn't quite the vile poison that it is. But the fact that it's common is meaningless to what it is. I could go on with a whole list of adjectives that I'm sure would offend all the sensitive souls out there (being a big baby about such is also quite trendy) and each word, more vivid than the last in it's horrific meaning, would properly apply to pornography.

 

https://www.lds.org/ensign/2001/07/pornography-the-deadly-carrier?lang=eng

 

*Recovery? JUST. DON'T. LOOK!  And the moment one has made this determination, one is "recovered". Now, granted, the ability of one to make said determination varies. And it's related to a whole host of things related to purity, maturity, self-control, and particularly, the change of heart that comes from true repentance, humility, and the power of the atonement. Therefore, realistically, this question can't actually be answered.

 

**How long does it take to trust someone who has broken their covenants? Who really knows.

 

 

 

 

Okay.....   I'm ready   .....   let the TFP bashing begin!    :.bullhorn:     :clown:  :whip:

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Okay.....   I'm ready   .....   let the TFP bashing begin!    :.bullhorn:     :clown:  :whip:

 

Not much interested in bashing, but I am a bit surprised at the stridency of your tone. Would you add even more caution to anyone considering dating someone guilty of fornication? Or would you tell them to run for the hills and leave off any possible idea of a relationship with such a spiritually damaged person -- likely far more spiritually damaged than one who has merely viewed pornography?

 

A year or two ago, some people on this forum were saying that pornography usage was viewed by many Latter-day Saints, especially women, as being much worse than fornication. I am floored by any such bizarre idea. Some even suggested that many women would prefer to find their husbands committing adultery than to find them viewing pornography. Perhaps in our rush to condemn pornography, we have oversold the condemnation. Or perhaps people simply do not understand how ugly and grave fornication is.

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Would you add even more caution to anyone considering dating someone guilty of fornication?

 

If they were dating someone who was fornicating approximately only once a week, but was working on the problem, and how long should they wait for the to get over their fornicating addiction, and etc., etc......???

 

Of course.

 

A year or two ago, some people on this forum were saying that pornography usage was viewed by many Latter-day Saints, especially women, as being much worse than fornication. I am floored by any such bizarre idea. 

 

With you. That idea is ridiculous.

 

Perhaps in our rush to condemn pornography, we have oversold the condemnation.

 

Perhaps to some. Though, as you have stated, to view it that way is bizarre. However based on many arguments I've had over the years, (and anticipate having in this very thread) I would dare say that, no, we have not oversold the condemnation. I mean look at the OP. The man she's dating is viewing, weekly, other people engaged in explicate, close-up, detailed, depraved, degrading, perverse sex acts, along with all the other fantasies and actions that go along with such, and she's like, "Is it okay to marry him anyway?" Like it's not really that big of a deal. We can't talk about the details of what pornography entails. Even outside the rules of the forum it would be improper to discuss in detail because it's so entirely sickening, and even that part of it that would be natural in the bounds of marriage is sacred and not to be discussed that way. But the fact that we cannot explicitly describe what pornography is does not mean it is not what it is. It is vile.

 

I am reading into it a bit (based on the fact that it's an LDS forum), but I can only imagine that this man holds the priesthood -- but no biggie -- it's just an addiction -- he's just a victim -- just love and understand him.

 

Shameful is what it is.

 

And, yes, I understand that many are involved in such and have been. Some even my friends. I have been myself as well in the past.

 

And it is shameful. I am a priesthood holder, endowed in the temple, covenanted with God under the same covenant given to the patriarchs, representing the Savior in all I do and say. I am ashamed of what I have viewed in the past, and so should all who hold the Holy Priesthood of God be.

 

It's about time we men of the priesthood man up and confess this vile corruption for what it is.

 

I am well aware of the stridency of my tone. I am strident because I mean it.

Edited by The Folk Prophet
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I guess my thought is that--yeah, porn use is toxic.  On the other hand, I don't know that demanding a person be porn-free for ten years prior to marriage is realistic given the realities and prevalence of the problem.

 

In March of 1999--when the internet was in relative infancy--Brent Top and Bruce Chadwick published some statistics in the Ensign about a number of problematic behaviors by LDS youth.  Among their findings was that (depending on whether they lived on the east coast, west coast, or Utah) 39-46% of LDS boys and 16-27% of LDS girls admitted to having watched sexually explicit/pornographic videos.

 

I have also heard, anecdotally and without any form of authoritative attribution, that some internal numbers from the Church indicate that something like 60-70% of male BYU students admitted to having consumed porn within the last year.

 

IF that's the case (and I'd be very glad to see hard evidence that it's not), then it strikes me that my daughters may have a very difficult time finding a man in his twenties or thirties who has never deliberately sought out a pornographic image in the past ten years.  If my daughter stands a significant chance of marrying a porn user either way, I'm tempted to say that I'd at least prefer she marry a porn user who admits to his use and is actively trying to stop.  (Yeah, it's terrible that we live in a society where we have to make this concession; and as a Church we can and should do better.  But until then . . . I'm afraid dem's the breaks.)

 

And, while I share TFP's concerns about the word "addiction" becoming a crutch/excuse for sin--for better or for worse, the Church's current program for getting guys to quit looking at porn is designed as and labeled an addiction recovery program.

Edited by Just_A_Guy
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On the other hand, I don't know that demanding a person be porn-free for ten years prior to marriage is realistic given the realities and prevalence of the problem.

 

I hoped the * note that the question actually can't be answered sufficiently covered the exaggeration. I agree with this.

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  • 3 weeks later...

I wouldn't reccomend someone with porn addiction one of my ward members ended up marrying another ward member who was and still a porn addict and they have been married for about six months needless to say the wife calls me a lot because I was her former visiting teacher and we became friends. She found out a few weeks into the marriage hey were civilly married and supposed to be sealed in six months next march that is not going to happen because she finds him looking at pornography and they both go their bishop and he says he will change but it never changes.

Edited by LadyHanley93
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I wouldn't reccomend someone with porn addiction one of my ward members ended up marrying another ward member who was and still a porn addict and they have been married for about six months needless to say the wife calls me a lot because I was her former visiting teacher and we became friends. She found out a few weeks into the marriage hey were civilly married and supposed to be sealed in six months next march that is not going to happen because she finds him looking at pornography and they both go their bishop and he says he will change but it never changes.

 

I am appalled that she is talking to you about such a matter. Shame on her. What can she be thinking? That is perhaps as great a betrayal of their marital covenant as is his pornography usage.

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No. A betrayal MAYBE, but not even close to the same as looking at porn. Just no.

 

She's telling a trusted friend. Should she carry the weight on her own? I have a friend who has been through this and worse, and yes, I was her confidante. She knew I wouldn't go spreading it around. It was vital that she had someone to confide in. She was crushed and alone. 

 

I know you're not crazy about women that aren't your wife, Vort, but that's just silly. 

Edited by Eowyn
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