Learning to accept the choices of others...


Jane_Doe
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For me, the most frustrating part of being married to a non-Mormon is the Evangelical MIL.  Despite my sharing my testimony of Jesus, my love and acceptance of the Savior, and my attended (her) church with her numerous times, she refuses to accept me as anything as an "unsaved heathen".  This belief causes her active pain and distress, but she refuses to listen to how I love my Savior and am "saved" by her own standards.  She refuses to my professing of Jesus, saying "you're just brainwashed to go where you're comfortable".    Brainwashed is the literal word she uses.  

 

I... this honestly makes my blood boil.  I don't understand her willful ignorance to cling desperately to a belief which actively causes her great pain and refusing to at least talk to me about it.  I don't understand.

 

And I must accept it.  I must accept it as her choice and how things will be for the time being.  Man, this is hard....

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At least you can dismiss her and let your husband just deal with her.

 

I get this from my own mother!  I used to feel like you do but I'm way over it now.

 

My mom can (and has) say things like "you're brainwashed", "you're blinded by your husband", "you're manipulated by your husband", "this is now the result of your disobedience as a child", etc. etc. etc.  it doesn't bother me anymore.  I was Catholic.  I know why she's scared for me.  I know she is just doing all she can to follow her understanding of Christ.

 

But let's say she's just a mean old curmudgeon (don't misunderstand me, she's not, but let's just say she is)... why does it matter?  You don't have to defend your faith to anybody.  You know where you stand, you know your testimony, you know you are following the Savior.  What does it matter if NOBODY believes you?  It would be just like her saying your hair is ugly and your nose is big or whatever... it doesn't matter because you are confident in your testimony.  So why even bother explaining things to her?  Missionary effort is not effective when the recipient is not ready to receive inspiration from the spirit, so why even bother responding to her about it?  You can bear your testimony when she is spiritually ready to hear it.

 

So, with my mother, I just smile and say, "yes, mother, I love my husband to pieces and that's why you have 2 beautiful grandchildren you can spoil all day long... it's my gift to you for all your heartache." and just move on.  It has done wonders to our relationship.  I spent an entire month with her last month and we talked about God but never got into any conflict with it!  She never said anything terrible about my church even when I didn't go with them to church the entire time even when my niece played a solo violin and my nephew was cantor.  Usually, I would go to the Catholic church for these things.  This time, my son is already a deacon and wanted to pass sacrament as a lot of the deacons in the ward we visited were out of town for the summer.  So... this is 15 years after my baptism and it is the very first time I spent that much time with my mother and had ZERO bad comments about it.  I'm happy.

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She is concerned for the salvation of your eternal soul. Maybe you should be grateful that she shows such concern. I would advise you to do a little research or ask her exactly what point of doctrine she is in disagreement with. Then maybe you can have an open discussion about beliefs. 

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She is concerned for the salvation of your eternal soul. Maybe you should be grateful that she shows such concern. I would advise you to do a little research or ask her exactly what point of doctrine she is in disagreement with. Then maybe you can have an open discussion about beliefs. 

 

She doesn't want to tell me what her disagreements are, or ask me about them herself, instead just believing The God Makers.  This is a large part of my frustration.  

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God Makers as in Dr Walter Martin ?? Come to find out oh Wally wasn't truthful .... He left this life several years ago but he claimed to have this degree and attended a certain college in New York I believe and as it turns out ... Said college doesn't exist and he never had a degree.

Anyway .... Enough of that .... My opinion is this ..... I would pray and fast for her ... That her heart will soften and when attending the Temple include her name on prayer rolls. I am not saying she will join but perhaps her heart might soften up a bit.

My youngest daughter is married to a non member and this is what I do for him ... The things I mentioned above.

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God Makers as in Dr Walter Martin ?? Come to find out oh Wally wasn't truthful .... He left this life several years ago but he claimed to have this degree and attended a certain college in New York I believe and as it turns out ... Said college doesn't exist and he never had a degree.

 

 

The God Makers is an Ed Decker creation. Why does Walter Martin get blamed for everything. ;)

 

This is what wikipedia says about Martin's school credentials:

 

Accusations of False Doctorate

Some opponents have made claims that Martin did not have a valid doctorate. Mr and Mrs Robert Brown of Arizona, two Latter-Day Saints, have stated that California Western University, now known as California Coast University (CCU) was not accredited at the time the degree was awarded.[54] In addition some opponents of Martin claim he purchased his doctorate from CCU, which they claim was a degree mill.[55] It must be noted that Martin completed all the coursework at New York University which is also an accredited school. Furthermore, California Coast University also offers fully accredited programmes,[56] being accredited by the State of California since 1974.[57] Such approval is currently granted by the California Bureau for Private Postsecondary Education.[58] It however, only received national accreditation in 2005 from the Distance Education and Training Council (DETC).[59] It obtained this status after a study by the U.S. General Accounting Office (GAO) which sought to provide national accreditation to schools which offered high quality education. They concluded CCU was never a diploma mill nor was it ever guilty of any wrongdoing.[60]

 

M.

Edited by Maureen
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Big deal. I completed all my coursework for my Master's degree at Penn State, which was an accredited university *at the time*. I even wrote my thesis. Guess what? I can't honestly state that I hold a Master's degree. Why not? Because I don't. Merely having "completed the coursework" or even (in my case) writing the thesis is not sufficient. You have to jump through the administrative hoops, have things approved and signed off, and receive the degree.

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Big deal. I completed all my coursework for my Master's degree at Penn State, which was an accredited university *at the time*. I even wrote my thesis. Guess what? I can't honestly state that I hold a Master's degree. Why not? Because I don't. Merely having "completed the coursework" or even (in my case) writing the thesis is not sufficient. You have to jump through the administrative hoops, have things approved and signed off, and receive the degree.

 

I have to second this.  It's super annoying, but when it comes to college degrees, there is not partial credit.  

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I have to second this.  It's super annoying, but when it comes to college degrees, there is not partial credit.  

 

I am embarrassed by not having received my degree, but I don't find it unfair or particularly annoying. I did not do the things I had to do to get the degree. I knew that. No surprises. The result is that I cannot (and do not) claim a Master's degree.

 

This is not an edge case or a topic of debate. It is cut and dried, no two ways about it. If "Doctor" Martin was calling himself a "doctor" based on having completed coursework for a degree he never received, then he was a liar. Period.

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The God Makers is an Ed Decker creation. Why does Walter Martin get blamed for everything. ;)

 

This is what wikipedia says about Martin's school credentials:

 

Accusations of False Doctorate

Some opponents have made claims that Martin did not have a valid doctorate. Mr and Mrs Robert Brown of Arizona, two Latter-Day Saints, have stated that California Western University, now known as California Coast University (CCU) was not accredited at the time the degree was awarded.[54] In addition some opponents of Martin claim he purchased his doctorate from CCU, which they claim was a degree mill.[55] It must be noted that Martin completed all the coursework at New York University which is also an accredited school. Furthermore, California Coast University also offers fully accredited programmes,[56] being accredited by the State of California since 1974.[57] Such approval is currently granted by the California Bureau for Private Postsecondary Education.[58] It however, only received national accreditation in 2005 from the Distance Education and Training Council (DETC).[59] It obtained this status after a study by the U.S. General Accounting Office (GAO) which sought to provide national accreditation to schools which offered high quality education. They concluded CCU was never a diploma mill nor was it ever guilty of any wrongdoing.[60]

 

M.

My problem with Martin is while he spent years on the John Ankerberg show he always said he had this educational background but he never stated it wasn't accredited because he wasn't called on it. Once the people you are talking about made it public in their books which I also have read .... Then in my opinion he rushed to make it all correct. He was always telling lies again my opinion about my religion and what I believed in that wasn't true. Needless to say I don't have much respect for him. I could also go on about Mr Decker but I won't.

By the way Maureen .... I hope you don't feel like I was ranting towards you. Did not mean for that to come across if it did.

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I am embarrassed by not having received my degree, but I don't find it unfair or particularly annoying. I did not do the things I had to do to get the degree. I knew that. No surprises. The result is that I cannot (and do not) claim a Master's degree.

 

This is not an edge case or a topic of debate. It is cut and dried, no two ways about it. If "Doctor" Martin was calling himself a "doctor" based on having completed coursework for a degree he never received, then he was a liar. Period.

Yes they did call him a Dr and he was always introduced on the john Ankerberg show as such.
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I feel for you! I have a friend who is super evangelical and will always tell me I am wrong and his favorite quote is Hating something that is false according to quality evidence is a good thing. I can honestly say that makes my blood boil since I was raised Catholic and was taught to respect other people's religious practices. He views me as a unsaved heathen who pratices a flase religion and is doomed to hell! He is so bitter that I joined the lds church and not his church! So I get a lot of text messages and I just ignore them.

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After much soul searching, and seeking other's counsel, I have come to a few preliminary conclusions on this--

 

If my MIL wanted to know if I am "saved" all she has to do is to open up for 5 minutes to ask me or God Himself, and then her pain will be gone.  Until she's willing to do that, she'll clinch on to her pain... and there's nothing I can do about it.  So, I move on with life and still be her friend (like I do every friend whom has a bad habit). 

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For me, the most frustrating part of being married to a non-Mormon is the Evangelical MIL.  Despite my sharing my testimony of Jesus, my love and acceptance of the Savior, and my attended (her) church with her numerous times, she refuses to accept me as anything as an "unsaved heathen".  This belief causes her active pain and distress, but she refuses to listen to how I love my Savior and am "saved" by her own standards.  She refuses to my professing of Jesus, saying "you're just brainwashed to go where you're comfortable".    Brainwashed is the literal word she uses.  

 

I... this honestly makes my blood boil.  I don't understand her willful ignorance to cling desperately to a belief which actively causes her great pain and refusing to at least talk to me about it.  I don't understand.

 

And I must accept it.  I must accept it as her choice and how things will be for the time being.  Man, this is hard....

Been there, done that, but mine is the circumstance that I am the only Catholic among hundreds of Mormon relatives. 95% of them say nothing at all. Some avoid me.  Some didn't let their children play with my daughter. Some are just really nice. The ones who give me grief, I gave them some time to get over it, and now, and seeing that they haven't gotten over it, I just try to avoid them as much as possible. In my case, none are a close relative like a MIL. Most that give me grief are BILs or SILs. 

Edited by blueskye
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