Do you have any thoughts as to why people become inactive?


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Guest LiterateParakeet

We have had quite a few formerly strong saints go inactive. Do you have any theories as to why this occurs? Our stake looked at the records and discovered that previous to going inactive almost all stopped paying tithing. I am not sure what this signifies. Most here feel that this finding is significant but I am not sure what it means.

Have you observed any similarities among inactives that may explain why people leave? Any ideas on how to reActivate? I was inactive for many years myself. I came back because I prayed to know if the church was true - it is - so I started by praying and attending services and gradually shed my bad habits. Attending church for me and praying was step 1. Perhaps other people have a different reconversion story?

 

I don't think the tithing thing is really significant, I mean in a cause and effect way.  I think it simply means that when people start doubting their testimony they stop "donating" money (as they now see it).

 

I think that people become in active for different reasons as has been stated.  I would guess that we could boil it down to two main reasons...either intellectual doubts, or hurting hearts.  They causes for the hurting hearts are varied, but when I think of the people I know who have gone inactive (and my own experience when I nearly went inactive), they all fall into one of those two broad categories.

 

How to reactivate them?  I think unconditional love is the main key.  It is very painful to doubt one's testimony whether for intellectual or emotional reasons.  Then on top of that people often worry what their faithful friends and leaders will think of them.  Personally, I was too hurt and angry to care what anyone thought....except my family, but those fears are vary common.

 

When I say love them unconditionally, I mean love them as they are right now without trying to change them.  Accept that they are on their own path, their own time table.  If you can do this, you will likely earn their trust...once you have done that, they might talk to you about the reason(s) they left.  Then your job is to validate their feelings.  I don't mean that you have to agree with them, I mean hear them.  Try to understand what they are feeling.  If they say, "The Bishop was rude to me." Don't lecture and tell them to put that behind them....say, "That must have been very painful."  You aren't agreeing that the Bishop was wrong by saying that, you are simply acknowledging their hurt. My therapist says "pain needs a witness."  A person can't move on from their pain/anger until they feel truly heard.  

 

Then you have to be patient.  You can't do this for them.  You can't change their heart.  I know you will want to....we joke about men wanting to "fix" things, but women do it too.  That individual needs to work out their situation with the Lord.  You can't do it for them.  While you are waiting, be a friend, pray for the Spirit.  The Spirit knows so much better than we do what others need...trust Him.  

 

I have a friend who was a member, but is not atheist.  She has been through some weird stuff (i.e. bad choices) on her journey. But I'm sticking with her.  I accept her the way she is, right now.  But I also believe that someday she will return to the church.  It may take a decade, but I think it will happen.  I'll be here for her either way.

 

If you go to visit a less-active member solely with the intent to talk them into coming back to church you will have about as much luck as the Jehovah's Witnesses coming to your door.

 

Of course, this is all my opinion, but I stand by it.

 

Char -- I accept you just the way you are.  Church shouldn't hurt but sometimes it does.  I trust you to make the decisions that are right for you.  

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I think some simple reasons, at least for those who are newly converted or don't have a strong testimony to begin with, are things like: feeling alienated or disconnected from fellow members, not feeling the spirit in their ward and finding it elsewhere, unable to come to terms with certain teachings and doctrines, and sometimes, it's a clash between them and another member that never gets resolved.

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As for trying to get someone to return to something (church or not), it's a fine line, and I think it should be approached thoughtfully. First step, should be listening, see what they have to say. Second, don't get straight into the why aren't you attending x anymore and instead just be a friend and show kindness. Third, don't pressure, especially if you're getting vibes that the individual isn't interested in x at the moment. Give them time to breathe, maybe, gather themselves a bit. I think just showing you care, genuinely care, is enough to get that door open again. It might not be immediate but you're working on their time line, not yours.

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I have seen strong members in my ward go inactive because of Hurt feelings, Gossip and Humiliation, Not feeling welcomed, Poltical differences, Losing their testimony, and some have lost their faith in the church. And I am in a YSA ward! It's very different a lot of our converts tend to go inactive within the first year. I was baptized last year and of all six of us only two of us are active within the ward.

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As for trying to get someone to return to something (church or not), it's a fine line, and I think it should be approached thoughtfully. First step, should be listening, see what they have to say. Second, don't get straight into the why aren't you attending x anymore and instead just be a friend and show kindness. Third, don't pressure, especially if you're getting vibes that the individual isn't interested in x at the moment. Give them time to breathe, maybe, gather themselves a bit. I think just showing you care, genuinely care, is enough to get that door open again. It might not be immediate but you're working on their time line, not yours.

I have to agree with this lovely lady here :) You can't pressure an inactive member to come back to church. I have a former visting teacher who is a convert of five years I really admire her and haven't seen her in months. Although I think something is up with her.I simply just texted her if you need anyone to talk to or need help please call me. That way the door is open for communication. Unfortunately she hasn't responded to my texts. As heartbreaking as that is for me I realize she has to reach out to others.
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I still pay my tithing but I am inactive. Have been for quite some time. My reason is that I simply do not belong, many members have gone out of their way to remind me of that fact, and the benefits of regular attendance have never yet outweighed the benefits of staying at home whilst still doing everything else I ought to be doing. 

Char I am very sorry to here of this. I am not sure what your situation is like if you are married, not married, have kids, or no kids. I am in a ysa ward and a few people have said some pretty nasty things about me behind my back and this made me feel unwelcomed. So for about a month I decided to attend another ward with a friend from another college as a visitor it helped me take sometime to reflect on how I felt. Well it turns out my bishop, home teacher, and visiting teachers called me and asked me what was going on with me. I simply told them I was taking a break from the ward and attending another ward. I told my bishop if he wishes to do so he could speak with the bishop of the ward I was attending if he didn't believe I was going to church. After a month I decided to come back to my ward. I don't blame the church I was mad at two members in particular and was able to let it go and move on with life. I realized these rumors where not true and people will talk bad about you and make uncalled comments. Believe me it stings and hurts. However, I do believe that taking a break from your ward and attending another one as a visitor will help you. When I got back their where new faces in the ward that I made friends with.

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For some people the process is pretty straight foward.

 

Something happens and they miss coming to church.  Somehow they don't make it the next Sunday.  They watch something good on TV, go shopping, something else.  And then they have lost the habit and desire to go to church.

 

Too much trouble.  They make excuses why they don't go, but it comes down to not regularly saying their prayers and reading the scriptures.  The final link is church attendance, and when that link is broken, then they are officially "inactive".

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There is a member of my Stake Presidency that likes to say that there are three groups in the church.

 

1.  Strong, active members

 

2.  Inactive members

 

3.  Inactive members who think they are active.

 

I think for most it comes slowly, there are some that have a bad experience or tragedy and they stop coming immediately, but for most, I think they may slowly slip from being #1 type to the #3 type.  I think that not paying tithing is probably just a one of the stepping stones into inactivity but that many other steps were taken

 

prior to that.  Just my thoughts.

 

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The ward gossip causes small offenses but everyone knows and they support each other in dealing with him or her.. even if its just a commiserative eye-roll from across the hall. 

 

While serving as High Priest Group Leader when I was about forty, I had a situation where a Bishopric counselor in my ward was difficult to home teach. Even his father-in-law requested not to teach him. Our families had been good friends earlier and I had home taught them years before so in a bit of desperation I placed them on to my already full HT route. Funny thing was, no matter how hard I tried I couldn't get him to set an appointment with me.

 

After several months I finally cornered him and asked him point-blank what was going on? We went to a private room where he was very embarrassed to say that his spouse thought I was interested in her, and though he didn't think it was true he was having to avoid me for her sake. Of all the reasons I had imagined for how I had offended his family, that one completely blind-sided me!

 

I diplomatically assured him that while his wife was very beautiful there was absolutely no reason for concern. I then went to the Bishop and asked him if he knew about this. He did, but he had never approached me on it because he knew there was no substance to the concern. However, I was ignorant to the damage that had already been done. For some months I had noticed people treating me strangely and now I found out that many people besides the Bishop and the Stake President had heard the gossip.

 

I went home, told my wife, and tried to be as loving toward the other couple as possible, but then it hit me. I began to feel intense anger, resentment, and frustration that my church reputation had been destroyed by a false accusation. It was almost impossible to shake off. I found myself getting ready to angrily confront my former friends when I felt the Holy Spirit clearly tell me to stop and not to confront them as it would do harm to the other couple. The Spirit said that I did not know what personal difficulties they were having in their marriage and to forgive his spouse. This was very, very difficult for me to do, but I heeded the prompting and never discussed the matter again except with my wife.

 

The long and short of this story is that only a few people ever treated me the same after that. Perhaps they never heard the gossip, but it was always clear to me that many former friends and church colleagues kept me at a distance from the previous callings I had held. My family eventually moved out of the area a few years later, but it remains a lesson to me that gossip is a sharp knife. 

 

You are right Char713, it is hard when people do not make you feel welcome. But do your best to forgive them and stay faithful. The Lord is mindful of the many harms caused by imperfect people in His perfect gospel plan. Some of the people in the great and spacious building still go to church every Sunday.

Edited by clwnuke
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My own personal experience why...

I joined the military when I was 18 and still a senior in HS. Everyone knew about it and I was pretty much harrassed by my bishop, priest quorum leader, several members of my ward and even my seminary teacher.

The common theme was you are doing the wrong thing, the military is bad, you will be a loser and you are messing up our ward track record of serving missionaries.

I left after school let out and was under the impression that I genuinely was a bad person for not going on a mission. It is one thing when this comes from a couple random people, but when it comes from people in positions of authority in the church, well I believed it.

Sad thing is I still see young men stigmatized for this to this day...I see it all the time. Too bad really. Most of them never come back. 

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Sad thing is I still see young men stigmatized for this to this day...I see it all the time. Too bad really. Most of them never come back. 

I know the feeling. 

 

My maternal grandmother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's during my senior year of high school. Even with our putting her in a nursing home, she still needed additional care. Problem was, my brothers had already left home and my dad was busy with a project at work. 

 

After thinking long and hard about it, I made the decision that it would be best if I stayed local so that I could give my mom that much more help. Not only did I help her take care of grandma, I also helped when it came to the chores at home. 

 

Not only did I give up going on a mission, I also gave up an offer to Rutger's; I wound up going to a local community college before transferring to another local school. 

 

Words can't describe all the grief I've gotten from people because I never went on a mission; all they care about is that I didn't go, not why I didn't go. It's also permanently hurt my chances of getting married, as a lot of the local single women are fixated on the whole "I'll only date a returned missionary" mindset. 

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Another thing about the military - 

 

The town I live in supports a major Army base. Because of this, it's common for members to come and go. This is because the Army can sometimes order service members to deploy with as little as a few hours' notice if it's an emergency situation, leaving them with little time to notify their church leaders that they'll be gone for a while. What's more, during long-term deployments its common for the immediate family of service members (spouse, children, et cetra) to temporarily relocate closer to extended family so that they have a bigger support network. 

 

Because of this, it's become a big issue trying to figure out who's gone inactive and who's just simply gone. 

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I think the tone of part of this thread illustrates a glimpse into why some people choose to become inactive. It resonates to some degree with what I've come across talking to scores of people both in and out of the church.

 

I think we can all do better at Christian discipleship and fellowship.

Christ's warning against offending others is something we can gain from.

(If I ever offend anyone here, please let me know so I can attempt to make things right.)

 

That said, it is each individual's responsibility to grow deep roots. Because Christ promised that those who follow him would experience things that might otherwise cause them to take offense and/or lose faith, hope, and/or charity.

 

 

 

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My uneducated guess is that the number one reason, to paraphrase a song, is "It's so easy not to try... if you don't say hello, you don't have to say goodbye".

right after that I'd say it would be due to sins and how worthy or able or consciensous one feels to others, close on that would be negative experiences with members.

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Wow!

Bottom line is that the church is a social organization. If one does not feel comfortable with the other members, or leadership, one will disassociate with those people. This is only normal. But it doesn't necessarily mean that those people stop believing in the principles of the Gospel.

Many Protestant religions deal with this by allowing "church" or "pastor" shopping. It's tougher being LDS because the church forces one to a geographic location. Although I've met people who ignore this.

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Bottom line is that the church is a social organization. 

 

No. 

 

It is a place to worship, first and foremost. It is our access to saving ordinances. It is a place to fellowship, not to provide people with a social life, but so that we have opportunities to serve and keep our baptismal covenants, and even to screw up and learn from it; which inevitably means someone will have the opportunity to learn to tolerate and forgive. 

 

I often see Pres. Uchtdorf's "Come Join With Us" quoted. Recently the words I often see are, "The Church is not a museum for Saints; it is a hospital for sinners." What I wish people would consider is that some of those sinners needing a hospital are those who harshly judge, people who expect no one to screw up (consider that that also includes themselves), people who have foot-in-mouth disease. Their sins might be more obvious and offensive, but they are sins nonetheless and committed by people who need teaching. I can tell you that I've been one of those people to various degrees, and I've learned most not from people who have walked away or pummeled me with condemnation, but by those who I see quietly and effectively showing love, patience, and compassion to those around them. (Also by life kicking my household's collective behind for the last couple of years, and guess what? We have needed our ward family to stand with us and help us, not to turn their backs on us because I've said some stupid things.) I think we all do it. We've all been guilty of, in our ignorance, saying something that offended someone. We may or may not know it, but that doesn't mean we aren't sinners in need of teaching and healing. The church is a place for that, too.

 

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I think the tone of part of this thread illustrates a glimpse into why some people choose to become inactive. It resonates to some degree with what I've come across talking to scores of people both in and out of the church.

 

I think we can all do better at Christian discipleship and fellowship.

Christ's warning against offending others is something we can gain from.

(If I ever offend anyone here, please let me know so I can attempt to make things right.)

 

That said, it is each individual's responsibility to grow deep roots. Because Christ promised that those who follow him would experience things that might otherwise cause them to take offense and/or lose faith, hope, and/or charity.

 

Yes, it would be foolish to place any sort of blame squarely on the shoulders of so-called active members and equally foolish to place blame squarely upon the so-called inactive ones, too. The challenge is to move past judging people in groups or in categories; and attempting to diagnose and then apply impersonal prescriptions. Instead, one must take each person one-at-a-time. The only way I know of to do that is true friendship in the purest sense (and by taking care that the friend is not a number or a project).

Edited by UT.starscoper
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I just finished reading through this thread, and while there are obviously numerous reasons people choose to be inactive, the one that seems to jump out here is due to some sort of conflict between another member or leader.

 

It reminds me of an argument that was reported to have taken place between Brigham Young and Edwin Woolley. After chastising Bro. Woolley, Brigham said, "I suppose now you'll just go off somewhere and apostatize and go to hell?"

Bro. Woolley responded, "If this were your church I most certainly would. It belongs, however to the Lord, so you can just go to hell."

 

I believe those who choose inactivity because they've been offended by another member or leader have forgotten whose Church it is. 

 

I attend Church for one reason and one reason only---because it is the Lord's Church and He has commanded me to attend. I've had my own issues with various members and leaders, and whenever I'm unable to resolve those issues I remind myself that it isn't THEIR Church, and as long as it isn't THEIR Church I'm staying.

And if need be they can go to hell.  ;)
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Wow!

Bottom line is that the church is a social organization. If one does not feel comfortable with the other members, or leadership, one will disassociate with those people. This is only normal. But it doesn't necessarily mean that those people stop believing in the principles of the Gospel.

Many Protestant religions deal with this by allowing "church" or "pastor" shopping. It's tougher being LDS because the church forces one to a geographic location. Although I've met people who ignore this.

 

"Wow" right back.

 

The belief that "Bottom line is that the church is a social organization" is so far from the truth that I scarcely know how to respond.  That may be all it is to YOU, but that is absolutely not what the church is.

 

As far as church or pastor shopping goes...that's a terrible argument and example.  People who do that are merely confirming the fact that what is most important to them is not what the Gospel says or what Heavenly Father wants - but what is most important to them is that their own selfish needs - having a "social organization" for example - and if the church they attend doesn't do everything the way they want, they'll act like a child who doesn't get his way and pick up the ball and go home.

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The church is not "bottom line" a social organization. But it is still one component. No man is an island.

 

...And if the other person on your island is doing their upmost to make your life miserable then you have two choices. You can ignore it, develop a skin of mithril, and stick around on the beautiful island that is sufficient to provide for your every need. Or you can find another way to survive.. whether it's by searching for another nearby island or going on the offensive against those who say "this island ain't big enough for the two of us." The first is the choice of a saint, the second the choice of a human. The Church is for both types of people.

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No. 

 

It is a place to worship, first and foremost. It is our access to saving ordinances. It is a place to fellowship, not to provide people with a social life, but so that we have opportunities to serve and keep our baptismal covenants, and even to screw up and learn from it; which inevitably means someone will have the opportunity to learn to tolerate and forgive. 

 

I often see Pres. Uchtdorf's "Come Join With Us" quoted. Recently the words I often see are, "The Church is not a museum for Saints; it is a hospital for sinners." What I wish people would consider is that some of those sinners needing a hospital are those who harshly judge, people who expect no one to screw up (consider that that also includes themselves), people who have foot-in-mouth disease. Their sins might be more obvious and offensive, but they are sins nonetheless and committed by people who need teaching. I can tell you that I've been one of those people to various degrees, and I've learned most not from people who have walked away or pummeled me with condemnation, but by those who I see quietly and effectively showing love, patience, and compassion to those around them. (Also by life kicking my household's collective behind for the last couple of years, and guess what? We have needed our ward family to stand with us and help us, not to turn their backs on us because I've said some stupid things.) I think we all do it. We've all been guilty of, in our ignorance, saying something that offended someone. We may or may not know it, but that doesn't mean we aren't sinners in need of teaching and healing. The church is a place for that, too.

 

Wishing there was a way to hit the "Like" button more than one time on posts like this. :0)

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