When your kids make you want to crawl under the pew and hide


Irishcolleen
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A younger mom at church was frustrated on Sunday because her toddler was "participating" in church services by yelling "Amen!" frequently during the sermon.  This is the south, so "amens" during a Baptist sermon are frequent and loud, but this kid had everyone cracking up.  It got me thinking about what it was like when my kids were little.  I thought we could all share stories of our kid's funny (but naughty) church behavior.

 

When my youngest was little (under 3) she had the habit of waiting until I was engrossed in the sermon and would crawl under the pews until she was several rows back.  Then people (loving, patient people) would just pass her back up to me.  I was glad when my parents started to com to church.  We needed the reinforcements to get through a church service with minimal disruptions.

 

When we were little, if we were disruptive, my dad would take us out and spank us. During one particularly long sermon, my little brother begged my dad to take him out and spank him.

 

OK, your turn.  What amusing things have your little ones done?

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Fast Sunday last Sunday.

 

My kids bore their testimony.  My kid said, "Seminary is like vegetables.  It tastes really bad even my mother won't eat it, but it's good for me."

 

My other kid bore his testimony a few months ago and he said, "I don't know what it is about my family, but we love to argue.  My mom and dad can argue for 15 hours on a drive to Ohio."

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Family lore tells of my then 2-year-old brother listening to a soprano in Sacrament meeting. She ended (literally) on a high note, but when she stopped, the note was still being sung. There in the back of the chapel was my brother, standing on the pew, matching her pitch and singing his little heart out. The ward got a kick out of it. 

 

I've probably shared that here before. It's like when you've been married a long time and keep repeating the same stories. 

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We have a friend in the ward that has been trying to sell their house for about a year. Those close to him know this, but otherwise he was basically keeping it on the DL. No other members in his neighborhood. 

 

He stood up and bore his testimony and in it he talked about having a trial where they were relying on the lord for help. We knew it was about his house, but he didn't come out and say it. I could tell he was making a point without announcing his business to the ward. Then his 12 year old son gets up and bares his testimony and says flat out, "so, were trying to sell our house so we can move..." I look over at his dad with his palms in his face. It was hilarious! I could see many looking at their family with a shocked expression, like "how could you move away and not tell anyone?"

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When my son was about 3 or 4 years old there was a primary song during sacrament meeting that involved a somewhat randomly selected group of kids, not the entire primary. When it was time for the song a group of kids were invited to the stand to perform the song. To our surprise, our tiny little son confidently stood and marched right up to the stand without a bit of self consciousness. He sort of appeared to be trying to find his place in the group but couldn't because everyone else was so tall. Finally he found a place to one side of the group.. Not quite with the group .. A couple seats away. At this point the song began with a piano introduction to which our son began to sway and dance. When the children began to sing our son wasn't singing. Perhaps he didn't remember the words. But his dancing and wiggling to the music became more animated. Gently, the chorister motioned to him with one of her hands, to scoot in and join with the others while continuing to keep time with the other hand. When my son saw this he bolted down the aisle and looked like he was considering exiting the stand completely.

Up to this point I'd been mesmerized, watching this little drama unfold. I turned to my wife to see how she might be taking all of this in and she wasn't there! No.. Wait.. She and my daughter were both still there, but they were ducking down .. In shame..? Perhaps wanting to disappear.. ? My wife lifted her head up, taking a quick peek then smirked and giggled and ducked again.. Then my daughter took a quick peek, snorted and ducked back down.. Someone in front of me turned and grinned at me with a mixture of mirth and slight embarrassment in our behalf..

Still not quite comprehending what exactly was going on here, I turned my gaze back toward the front of the chapel expecting to see my son perhaps running down the aisle toward our seat or maybe making a beeline for the foyer. He wasn't. Instead, he'd somehow maneuvered his way across the stand, evaded the bishop and one of his counselors, who still appeared to be reaching toward my son a little uncertainly, hoping perhaps to persuade him to come and sit on his lap until the end of the song. My son, realizing he'd navigated this difficult gauntlet and was yet free, decided to stop almost directly behind the long suffering chorister who was plowing on, in hope against hope .. Amid snickers and bursts of laughter now spontaneously erupting from about half of the kids in the choir. Realizing that he'd lost her attention, my son turned toward the congregation and then made as if to slink behind the podium and hide, but then thought better of it and decided to dance a little bit more.

Only then did it suddenly dawn upon me:

Brother Squidster, that's *your* little cephalopod up there doing the Watusi to "Keep the Commandments" .. Making a mockery of this whole solemn occasion! This might be an even greater abomination than Elvis singing his rendition of "Glory, Glory Hallelujah.." Though there were some similarities in choreography between Elvis' "worship" and my son's.. But, I digress..

For some reason I just couldn't force myself to arise, be a man, and put a stop to it all... Because, I was realizing, too little, too late, that the song was drawing to a close .. many in the congregation, turning to look at me, then back again toward my son, dancing in defiant glee for all to see..

And then it was over. It seemed to me that one or two people almost instinctively started to clap, but then stopped themselves, realizing that we were all still in the chapel.. not the circus. A white-haired brother in front of me turned and shook his head in commiseration, "Sometimes our kids make us proud.. and other times it's like the Lord is trying to teach us how to not get too full of ourselves with pride and our family honor and.. " he trailed off into awkward silence almost, then, making a speedy recovery, smiled and grabbed my hand, shaking it vigorously. "That's quite a kid you got there!"

Edited by theSQUIDSTER
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And then it was over. It seemed to me that one or two people almost instinctively started to clap, but then stopped themselves, realizing that we were all still in the chapel.. not the circus. A white-haired brother in front of me turned and shook his head in commiseration, "Sometimes our kids make us proud.. and other times it's like the Lord is trying to teach us how to not get too full of ourselves with pride and our family honor and.. " he trailed off into awkward silence almost, then, making a speedy recovery, smiled and grabbed my hand, shaking it vigorously. "That's quite a kid you got there!"

 

. . .

 

And with that, President Boyd K. Packer turned away from you and walked out the door.

Edited by Just_A_Guy
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I have told this before , but I will tell it again. Years ago when I was 32 I was just called as the Bishop of our ward. A few Sunday's later my wife was sitting with our 4 kids. Our son who was 6 at the time found a stick pin. He decided it would be fun to poke his younger sister in the leg with it. She was around 4 yrs old. When he stuck her ....her leg went up in the air and she started crying instantly. As her leg went up in the air the Water was being passed and she connected with that water tray and it went flying. The Deacon was laughing and looked up at me and my wife got up with our daughter under one arm and she was trying to grab our son by anything she could get her hands on. She was going to take him out and kill him. Later after I got home I got into trouble ....for not getting up and helping her.

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It wasn't my own kid, but my toddler sister. I don't recall the details. I was 12-13ish and I was sent to take my sister out into the foyer -- might have been assigned to change her diaper, cannot recall for certain. She "escaped" and started running around the halls of the church bottomless. I was just plain mortified. As I recall, she thought it was great fun.

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Not my kid but a friend's-

During it's name and blessing the kid....well....went number two. It was explosive, and the microphone caught every juicy, splattering, gas filled sound and broadcast it throughout the entire church.

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Oh boy. We just took on three kids, with our two of our own that makes one one year old nephew, two two year old's (one is a nephew, one is ours), a five year old (niece) and a six year old (ours). Last Sunday my wife was visiting her Sister and Brother-in-law (they would be the parents of these children, they are currently residing in special government *accommodations* awaiting a jury trial) so she was going to be a bit late to church. So I had these five kids and I thought I would try to do it myself. How bad could 30 minutes be?

We get out of the van, I carry the one year old nephew, have the rest link hands and follow me, that goes well. We make it all the way into church and sit down. I'm quite proud of myself so far. Great. I hold the one year old nephew, two year old nephew sits by me, my two year old sits by nephew, older ones are sitting further down. Nephew begins loudly proclaiming he wants to play with a truck. Repeatedly. Won't stop. He's obsessed with cars to a fault and we aren't sure why. I'm trying to get him to be quite while the one year old nephew tries to wiggle out of my arms with all his might. My two year old see's I'm preoccupied and get's a big grin on his face and runs to the end of the aisle and begins playing peek-a-boo with people around us.

Nephew see's the one year olds sippy and starts loudly proclaiming he wants a sippy and goes limp in his seat and tries as hard as he can to slip out of his chair repeatedly while constantly talking. One year old manages to slip out of my arms and crawls away really fast. My two year old is now dancing on a chair. The oldest two at least are trying to be good but they are giggling at the little ones.

Two nice ladies saved me and took my two year old nephew and one year old nephew. Once my two year old saw I was free he quickly came back and sat in his chair. He's a bugger that one. 
 

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I've told this story before.  When my daughter was about 6 years she got up to share her testimony in Fast and Testimony meeting.  

 

Some background.  Weeks before I had strep throat and as a result of it also got strep psoriasis.  I was broken out in red dots and splotches over pretty much my entire body.

 

Anyway, as she was sharing her testimony she said something along the line... "And I'm sorry my mom has red dots all over her body.  They are yucky and I hope she gets better."  I was ready to slink under the pew at that time.

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No cute story here, but with an Asperger's child, sacrament meetings were a battle that I usually lost. 

 

But I do remember way, way back in my teen years, there was a kid who got up and mentioned about when her mom was suicidal.  Mom didn't slink, she ran out of the chapel.  Interesting meeting.

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I'm pretty sure I shared this here before, but when I was three I was more articulate than most three year olds, I can remember sitting on the bench and smelling something horrible. Let's just say it was pretty close to my dad's particular 'flavor'.   I'm not sure when it was during the meeting, but there was someone up talking at the stand and I was under the impression that it was a prayer.   Let's just say the odor was bad enough that I lost my decorum and belted out "DADDY FARTED!"  at the top of my little lungs.  

 

From what I heard later the person at the podium about choked trying not to laugh.  After he was done, the bishop got up and said "Don't we love our little ones?"  Of course the worst part is that it wasn't my dad. We never did find out for sure who it was, but my mom told me that the lady one row in front of us turned a very bright shade of red. 

 

To my father's credit, I'm still alive. 

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I read of an incident many years ago of a young child that was cutting up in sacrament meeting.  The parent got up with the child and was carrying him out for a little heart to heart talk.  As the parent was walking out with the child, he yelled out, "Bishop, SAVE ME!"  The entire ward cracked up laughing.

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  • 2 weeks later...

A couple seats away. At this point the song began with a piano introduction to which our son began to sway and dance.

Had occasion to visit one of the local non-denominational come-as-you-are type churches after Sacrament meeting a few weeks ago. (Haven't felt that out of place in a suit since my divorce hearing when everybody including the judge assumed I was somebody else's lawyer.) When their band started into Sweet Hour of Prayer, I almost asked one of the single ladies near me if she'd care to waltz. The band was good, (as was the preacher, actually) but looking around, I realized I didn't want to give that crowd any ideas about dancing in church. I assume someone would have rolled in a keg pretty quickly.

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We had a (3 or 4 yr old) niece for a weekend.  She and her family didn't know much about church.  Active, boisterous girl.

 

"UNCLE [Neuro]!  I WENT PEE-PEE ON THE POTTY!!!!!"

 

Screamed loudly.  During the quiet part of sacrament meeting.  

 

She's 16 now, and dating.  I waited over a decade to get revenge, and the time may be coming soon.

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During an adult fireside, a couple had brought their 18 m.o. child.  

 

The speaker read a quote "... and they will be in Satan's power forever."

 

Silence.

 

"Uh-Oh!" said the child.  The room erupted with laughter.

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