Need to confess but afraid


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I have been a 'good' member my whole life.  I use parenthesis because I know I'm not perfect, but have never committed any major sin prior to this.  I've always tried to do the right thing, and always assumed I would never cross any major lines.  Well, this past year I was tempted to the point..I caved in.  I got involved with a guy that seemed to offer everything my marriage was lacking.  We started out friends but quickly became more.  He is not a member of the church.   I am married, he is married.  I feel awful and I'm sure anyone reading this must think I'm a rotten person.  I think I'm a rotten person. 

 

But it happened to me, who thought myself spiritually indestructable .  I'm your visiting teacher, your Relief Society teacher, your kids Sunday school teacher, the good Mormon woman no one would ever suspect in the least could be capable of what I've done.  But I'm also lonely in my marraige. I'm vulnerable. I attracted the attention of another man who, in my weakness, did not say no to like I should have.

 

While we never had sex, we did other things which I'm pretty sure constitute adultery.   I've told my husband, but only that we kissed.  Which isn't the whole truth. I told him because I wanted to come clean and I wanted the strenght to end things with this other guy.
My marraige has been pretty shaky these past two years (a whole other story) and I really feel like telling him the whole truth would be the last straw that would pretty much guarantee a divorce. But all this has happened, and I know that I want more than anything to keep my marraige together.  I truly love my husband, even though we've been through some bad stuff.  If I confess this, I'm sure they'll make me tell him the whole truth.. and he might leave me.  Not that I blame him, but I just feel like, if we could give it a few years and perspective, then possibly our marraige could handle the aftermath of what I tell him.  But right now.. I'm pretty sure it couldn't.  So.. what do I do?

Edited by Roco19
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 My husband is not without blame in our marital problems, and I feel like if he hadn't done the things he did I wouldn't have given this guy the time of day.

 

A good start would be to stop blaming others for your actions.  No one forced you to do what you did.  You CHOSE your actions.

 

And being "tall, slender and pretty" is no excuse either.  Wow.

 

You need to talk to your bishop, you need to get counseling....and you need to take responsibility for actions YOU chose.

 

And honesty.  Honesty would be a great thing for you to start practicing.

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Yes, agreed, my husband's actions or my physical appearance are not an excuse.  I don't know why I included that.  But if I'm honest right now.. it could tear appart my marraige.  I want to be over and done with it and keep my marraige.. I don't know if that's possible if I confess everything.

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Guest LiterateParakeet

Roco, I don't think you are a rotten person and the Lord doesn't either. Isaiah reminds us that the Lord engraved us in the palms of His hands. Yes you need to talk to the Bishop, but think of Him as a loving guide to help you find your way back to the Iron Rod.

I want to say more but I need to run. For now, know that the Lord loves you and the the process of confessing to the Bishop is meant to be a help not a punishment. You can do this. You don't have to do it alone. The Lord will help. He wants to help, but He can only do it if you allow Him. Remember He loves you.

Edited by LiterateParakeet
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Guest MormonGator

Roco, I don't think you are a rotten person and the Lord doesn't either. Isaiah reminds us that the Lord engraved us in the palms of His hands. Yes you need to talk to the Bishop, but think of Him as a loving guide to help you find your way back to the Iron Rod.

I want to say more but I need to run. For now, know that the Lord loves you and the the process of confessing to the Bishop is meant to be a help not a punishment. You can do this. You don't have to do it alone. The Lord will help. He wants to help, but He can only do it if you allow Him. Remember He loves you.

 THIS. 

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You have  a serious problem... You have to make some hard choices.  The Right choice is confession and repentance.  I understand you fear this might destroy your marriage...   It has been my experience that such a huge lie, sitting at the heart of a marriage will also destroy it... leaving just an outward shell behind.  (if this isn't the case already which it might be) So my thought is the best path to preserving your marriage is to strip away all the pretense and lies... and then hope after you do so that your husband is willing to work with you on rebuilding your marriage into something that is worthy of the name.

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Come clean now with your husband. He must know so that you can start to heal and so that he can make decisions. What a punch in the gut if things start going better and then you tell him that you weren't honest. I feel this is the worst you can do, is prolong the truth.

 

Put forth all of your efforts to save your marriage, but in the end he will need to decide if he will participate in that, just as you will need to decide to now. Be honest with him, yourself and your bishop. Best wishes. 

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It will run somewhat counter to the others' suggestions, but I think I would vote for David13's advice -- get a good marriage counselor/therapist, and I would probably suggest that ahead of the Bishop. Infidelities like this can be the most difficult challenges for a marriage to survive. IMO, if you want the best chance of reconciling with your husband and keeping your marriage intact, you want to have some proffessional help to guide the process of reconciliation, and I don't know that I would trust this process to an untrained Bishop's guidance. After you have initiated the process of reconciliation with your husband, then you can go to the Bishop and work through the process of reconciling with the Church.

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While we never had sex, we did other things which I'm pretty sure constitute adultery. 

 

So.. what do I do?

In no way should what I say be considered condoning your actions, however, we are human beigns and subject to fault. You are being too hard on yourself. You have recognized your sin. You have turned away (I assume). You confessed, to a resonable degree, to your husband, which I believe is as far as it needs to go.

 

My recommendation is you continue on the repentance process you started and that means turning away from and not repeating the sin. Then forgive yourself. You are tearing yourself apart and the repentance process is meant to free you, not bind you. I'm not saying it is easy or short, but there is a path and I think you are well on your way.

 

I disagree with those that say go to the bishop or confess further, at least I don't agree with it being the first step in repentance. I think more reflection and perspective is needed. You are in the heat of it right now. Step back a bit and let time heal a little. Only you know the degree of your sin. Not every sin needs to go to the bishop. And not every lie needs to be uncovered in a marriage.

Edited by pkstpaul
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Thanks for the advice. I know what I've done is seriously wrong and I need to repent. I guess I'm just confused about the honesty part. Telling him would devestate him and if I've ended things with this other guy and have no intention of being unfaithful again (I know I didn't have the intention before but now my guard is really up) I don't see how telling him would be anything but destructive. I just want to put it behind me..if I tell him I don't know if that's possible. I guess I'm questioning if confession is always a good idea.

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Thank you pkstpaul. I saw your post after my last one. I hope what I've already told my husband is sufficient. I really don't want to hurt him more with details that could haunt him going forward. I so desperately want to leave it alone and never think of it again. I want to make things right with my husband. I don't want to burden him with what I did.

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I would suggest you contact your bishop first. From a spiritual perspective, your biggest issue is that you have violated your covenants with God, so that should be addressed first. In conjunction with him, decide how you will talk to your husband, who absolutely must know at some point (sooner rather than later). Your bishop might have spiritual insight to help you talk to your husband with a minimum of damage.

 

On the other hand, I could easily argue that your husband, the Priesthood holder in your home and the man with whom you made those sacred covenants to God, should be told first. That might actually be an easier and stronger argument to make. But for now, I hold the opinion that you should go talk to your bishop first.

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In no way should what I say be considered condoning your actions, however, we are human beigns and subject to fault. You are being too hard on yourself. You have recognized your sin. You have turned away (I assume). You confessed, to a resonable degree, to your husband, which I believe is as far as it needs to go.

 

My recommendation is you continue on the repentance process you started and that means turning away from and not repeating the sin. Then forgive yourself. You are tearing yourself apart and the repentance process is meant to free you, not bind you. I'm not saying it is easy or short, but there is a path and I think you are well on your way.

 

I disagree with those that say go to the bishop or confess further, at least I don't agree with it being the first step in repentance. I think more reflection and perspective is needed. You are in the heat of it right now. Step back a bit and let time heal a little. Only you know the degree of your sin. Not every sin needs to go to the bishop. And not every lie needs to be uncovered in a marriage.

 

First, I don't know why she shouldn't be hard on herself. It should be difficult or it's not repenting in my opinion. She shouldn't degrade herself for sure, she has much worth, and always will. 

 

Does the Bishop know what the whole truth is or does he also think that it was also just kissing? Everything needs to be put on the table. The cats out of the bag in the relationship, but the OP has only showed half of the cat. Part of healing is understanding what happened. She needs to be open about this. 

 

If I found out that my wife "only kissed" another guy, then I forgave her or was in the process of forgiving her and then found out later that she didn't tell me "the whole truth" I would be devastated. How do you trust someone like that? This isn't like confessing to your spouse that you secretly cuss a little at work. This is, in the least, breaking vows you made and committing adultery and at the most, breaking temple covenants if they were sealed. Whatever the whole truth is, we know that it was more than kissing (whatever that means). Keeping a marriage together based on lies or not telling the whole truth is a farce that will ultimately crumble. She will always have that at the back of her mind. Bringing up more of this to her spouse later on after some healing has occurred will surely only rip the old wound open with a vengeance, maybe even cut deeper. 

Edited by EarlJibbs
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Thanks for the advice. I know what I've done is seriously wrong and I need to repent. I guess I'm just confused about the honesty part. Telling him would devestate him and if I've ended things with this other guy and have no intention of being unfaithful again (I know I didn't have the intention before but now my guard is really up) I don't see how telling him would be anything but destructive. I just want to put it behind me..if I tell him I don't know if that's possible. I guess I'm questioning if confession is always a good idea.

Yeah, you really don't understand about being honest with your words and actions. That's why counseling with a professional and your bishop are even more important.

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You are frightened, a lot of people have gotten their foot caught in this trap, you are human and made a mistake. My thinking is that your husband needs to know the whole truth, and come what may. Counseling is an excellent recommendation, your Bishop can refer you to one. We are told that confession is the right way, part of the repentance process. Do this the Lord's way,

pray for help, pray for your husband and family. Think of Jesus Christ when they brought the woman to him who had sinned. He had compassion on her. You also deserve compassion, you need help, I think you will find that compassion from your husband and Bishop.

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Thanks for the advice. I know what I've done is seriously wrong and I need to repent. I guess I'm just confused about the honesty part. Telling him would devestate him and if I've ended things with this other guy and have no intention of being unfaithful again (I know I didn't have the intention before but now my guard is really up) I don't see how telling him would be anything but destructive. I just want to put it behind me..if I tell him I don't know if that's possible. I guess I'm questioning if confession is always a good idea.

Okay to be forewarned here; I'm going bring the wood and I'm going to be harsh.

 

You don't know the 1st thing about repentance. Everything you have said so far isn't that you are sorry that you did something morally wrong that you violated God's law that you have come so close to crossing the line that the only other sin worse than adultery is murder-think about that for just a moment.  Right now, you are sorry you got caught. And there is a very, very big difference between the two.  The person who caught you is you.

 

I'm not sure what you actually did, but you said you are "pretty sure you did other things".  A kiss isn't inherently sexual but certainly kissing another man not your husband is crossing a line; however from what you have said I'm sure the "other" things did include things that are inherently sexual in nature (with or without clothes).

 

As far as being afraid of what might happen to your marriage, in effect you already made that decision when you decided to have sexual acts with another man. You already made the decision to throw away your marriage-now the question facing you is can you correct that evil decision.

 

Far from wanting to come clean, you want to assuage your guilt a little bit-simply telling your husband it was a only a kiss is another lie built upon a web of lies. That's not repentance, nor sorrow-it comes from a selfish desire to cover up your own guilt with a lie that can protect you from the awful recognition that in a very real sense you have committed a serious sin and the consequence of that sin might be the dissolution of your marriage.

 

The thing that most concerns me is that there is no acknowledgement of just how seriously you have offended God. You are trying so hard to block out what you have done and to cover it up to yourself that you aren't allowing yourself the ability to repent. Godly sorrow, and I mean true Godly sorrow for sins-is so gut-wrenching, so horrific, the pain so deep that it cuts through all the pretty facade we put around ourselves, it leaves open every raw nerve, to the point where we realize we have offended God that all we can do is truly weep from the innermost portion of our soul. As Alma wrote we are truly racked with the torment of our sins.

 

When we reach that stage of Godly sorrow-we come to realize that the person's opinion who matters most in this life isn't our Bishop, it isn't our spouse, it isn't even us-it is God's opinion of us. Does He accept my offering of repentance so that I can be worthy to feel His presence and have His peace in my life? When we get to that point all the wordly cares and consequences of our sins melt away-it doesn't matter.  What truly matters is being right with God and we will do anything to be right with Him. If that means confessing to our spouse and having a marriage dissolve-so be it. If it means confessing to the Bishop and being disfellowshipped or excommunicated so be it.

 

Ultimately, we come to realize that we are all sinners and all have the need for Jesus Christ in our lives, that it is only in and through His mercy, His grace that somehow in a way I don't know that I will ever understand He can take my pain, my sins upon Him that I can turn to God and become at-one with God through His atoning blood. How thankful I am for His atonement-I am nowhere near a perfect man and my sins are great-yet everyday I strive to accept the consequences of my sin and misdeeds and then try my best to become a better man each day.  Some days are better than other-but that is the process of life.

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IMHO, a rotten person is somebody who doesn't care that they've done a rotten thing and that doesn't sound like you.

 

There are two things to take care of here.  First, your own standing with God, and second, your marriage.  And they are linked.

 

Taking care of the first thing requires you see you Bishop.  This is not something you can repent of on your own, or sweep under the carpet and hope it is forgotten or buried under whatever other good you do.  You have fallen too far and are too close to the situation.  Only by going to your Bishop and confessing and working with him through the repentance process can you find redemption and reconciliation with God.  Taking the sacrament and going to the temple when you know you are not worthy will just pile sin on top of sin.

 

Your Bishop can also connect you with resources to help your marriage but understand that the marriage can't be healed without real repentance, and  there is no true repentance without a full confession to your husband.  It's possible that he may leave you, you have given him justification to do so and you have to accept that as a possible consequence of your actions.  I can't say how you should tell him.  perhaps that would be best done in a letter, or to his face in private, or together with the Bishop, but it has to be done at some point.  The longer you wait, the harder it will be for him to deal with it.  Every day that goes by without you telling him is a day he'll see as you lying to him.  If he finds out in some other way, it will be 10 times as worse because he may feel you never regretted it and never planned to tell him.

 

There are marriages that survive things like this, and as tragic as this all is there is that chance that by working through it you two will wind up with a better marriage than you had before this happened, but like I said before, that will take true repentance on your part, forgiveness on his part, and working towards reconciliation.  As well as confessing to him, you need to make him understand that your regret is as deep as his hurt, that you fully understand and take responsibility for it, ask for his forgiveness, tell him how you will make it up to him in the years to come, and earn his trust that you are a changed person who will never do anything like that again.  He will need the Bishop's counsel too and you both need professional marriage counseling.

 

You have the option of trying to hide it, but it will eat you up inside every day.  When your husband says he loves you or does something nice for you, you think he probably wouldn't have done it if he knew.  You won't be happy, and he'll sense the distance between you and he won't be happy, and your kids will feel it and it won't be a good situation that could very well end up breaking up anyway.  How do you expect God to bless you if you lie to him to get a temple recommend and take the sacrament when you are not worthy? Your only shot at getting to a point where you are happy and like who you see looking back in the mirror is to repent fully.  Even if it means he leaves you, you will all be better off by doing the right thing.

 

Prayers for your courage and his forgiveness.

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The thing that most concerns me is that there is no acknowledgement of just how seriously you have offended God. You are trying so hard to block out what you have done and to cover it up to yourself that you aren't allowing yourself the ability to repent. Godly sorrow, and I mean true Godly sorrow for sins-is so gut-wrenching, so horrific, the pain so deep that it cuts through all the pretty facade we put around ourselves, it leaves open every raw nerve, to the point where we realize we have offended God that all we can do is truly weep from the innermost portion of our soul. As Alma wrote we are truly racked with the torment of our sins.

 

When we reach that stage of Godly sorrow-we come to realize that the person's opinion who matters most in this life isn't our Bishop, it isn't our spouse, it isn't even us-it is God's opinion of us. Does He accept my offering of repentance so that I can be worthy to feel His presence and have His peace in my life? When we get to that point all the wordly cares and consequences of our sins melt away-it doesn't matter.  What truly matters is being right with God and we will do anything to be right with Him. If that means confessing to our spouse and having a marriage dissolve-so be it. If it means confessing to the Bishop and being disfellowshipped or excommunicated so be it.

I've heard other couples who have strayed and repented talk about having this 'mental fog' that clouded how they perceived things while in the affair.  It keeps them from seeing how wrong they are and how far they've fallen and even from seeing the things about their spouse that they love.  I think it all comes from a need to see ourselves as the hero of our own story, even if we have to lie to ourselves.   That's why people need to work with their Bishop in cases like this.  He can lead them out of the fog to a point where they see what they did and can begin to really repent.

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Is there anyone reading that's been through something similar? Deep down, I know I need to talk to my bishop. It's easier said than done. I'm just really scared. And really embarrassed and ashamed. I hate what I've done. I wish so bad I could undo it. It was so not worth it. I wish I could tell anyone who was tempted like I was..don't even think about it! I rationalized that we loved each other and we're helping each other as good friends through tough spots in our marriages. Then things went to far and it was like, oh well, I already messed up, why stop now? Luckily I stopped short of "all the way". But, what I'm saying is, when I was in the thick of it, I was so messed up in my perspective. Not at all rational. Now that I'm getting some perspective I'm in shock about where I was.

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Guest LiterateParakeet

Roco,

 

I haven't been where you are exactly, but  it doesn't matter.  ALL of us here have sinned in some fashion.  All of us are unworthy and need the Lord.  In that we are the same. I have been in a place of deep pain and shame.  If I could, I would sit next to, you take your hand and assure you that the Lord loves you.  Since I can't do that, I found some words from our leaders for you.

 

Pres. Uctdorf:

 

Now [Roco], there are those who have neglected to make appropriate course corrections and now believe that they are too far from the Lord’s way to ever make it back. To them we proclaim the good news that is the gospel of redemption and salvation. No matter how terribly off course you are, no matter how far you have strayed, the way back is certain and clear. Come, learn of the Father; offer up a sacrifice of a broken heart and a contrite spirit. Have faith, and believe in the cleansing power of the infinite Atonement of Jesus the Christ. If we confess and repent of our sins, God is faithful and just to forgive and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. 21 “Though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be [made] as white as snow.” 22

It may not be an easy path, and it requires self-discipline and determination, but its end is glorious beyond description.

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2008/04/a-matter-of-a-few-degrees?lang=eng

 

 

Elder Richard G. Scott has said:

 

Please understand that the way back is not as hard as it seems to you now. Satan wants you to think that it is impossible. That is not true. The Savior gave His life so that you can completely overcome the challenges you face. (See 2 Ne. 2:6–8.)   https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1990/04/finding-the-way-back?lang=eng

 

 

I know this is hard.  I know it's scary.  But you can do this.  In my life, I've found that facing my demons--while difficult and scary--is always worth it.  When I get to the other side, it's always worth it.  

 

If will be the same for you.  I promise.  I don't know what your husband will decide to do, but I trust the Lord.  He will take care of you if you allow Him too.  You don't have to do this alone.  He will be with you the whole way.  Sometimes, like the disciples on the road to Emmaus, He might be at your side and you won't realize it, but He will be there.

 

My counsel to you is focus on the Savior.  Pretend you are Peter and you are walking on the water, if you take your eyes off the Savior you may drown.  Keep your eyes on the Savior, and draw from him the strength and courage that you need to do what you need to do.  

 

He won't let you down, I promise.  

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Deep down, I know I need to talk to my bishop. It's easier said than done. I'm just really scared. And really embarrassed and ashamed. I hate what I've done. 

I believe that being embarrassed and ashamed are good things. Those are feelings that can help push someone through the repentance process. While they can be helpful feelings, the adversary would try to disproportionately compound those feelings in your mind to the point it could paralyze you from acting (talking to your bishop or a therapist). LDS Family Services exists in many areas, meaning you could be speaking to a LDS therapist. You should speak with your Bishop as soon as possible. I believe often times individuals are "frightened" by the thought of their bishop looking down on them. I have sat in many disciplinary councils, both ward and stake. "Disciplinary" is a poor word choice in my opinion. They have been meetings of intense love and guidance to both the offender and offended. I would suggest you need both spiritual guidance/love (Bishop) and marital guidance/skills/love (LDS therapist). It is going to be a hard road and you will most likely need both avenues of support for a while to come. 

 

When you finally tell your husband what has happened, he really only has two choices:

1. Work with you to make your marriage work

2. Walk away

 

Besides what I have already suggested, one other item to consider: Talk with your Bishop first. Let your Bishop know when you are going to talk to your husband. Have your bishop on standby. You have been stewing on this for a while in your mind, you have had some time to think. This most likely is going to be a big shock to your husband and he might need to talk to someone other than you about it fairly quickly.

 

You screwed up, we all do. Don't screw up again by wishing this away and not acting. Go take care of it. You obviously want help otherwise you wouldn't have posted here, correct? 

Edited by NeedleinA
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Is there anyone reading that's been through something similar? ...

 

Probably not the response you were looking for, but in the end it isn't the particular sin, but your reaction to it that all of us who have sinned share.  The shame, the fear, etc. are all from Satan.  The Lord will always extend His hand to you if you are willing to take it.

 

As for the earthly repercussions, that is unpredictable and I can't help you there.  But have faith in the Lord that if you repent and do everything He asks of you, eventually, things will work out.

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