Bummed...

[Bini]

It's been a few years since my family has celebrated the holidays together. When it happens, it's sort of a big deal because my father is often out of country and the siblings are spread all over the place. This year everyone's schedules agreed and Christmas is going to be at my parents'. I have been so excited over this, especially, since this will be the first time my family gets to meet our new baby that's due in about a week. It'll also be nice to see everyone and catch up.

 

Well. Turns out that my husband and I have somewhat been uninvited, as far as, my mum wants us to visit for New Years instead of Christmas. To add to that, all my siblings will be gone by then, so it'd just be us there. Her explanation is that there simply aren't enough bedrooms to accommodate now that everyone has kids. My husband and I told her that we were more than happy to bring our blow-up mattress, a sleeping bag for our toddler, and have baby in a portable bassinet - we'd be fine out in the living area. She shot that offer down fast. She claimed that we wouldn't be comfortable and that baby would be too noisy for everyone (referring to crying bouts) not being in a room. But we can't have a room because none of them are big enough to fit a sleeping bag on the floor and a bassinet. (Which is ridiculous, yes, it'd be a little cramped but we would manage.) Anyway, other siblings got dibs on the guest bedrooms. Knowing my mum, this isn't about us being uncomfortable out in the living area, but more about her need to keep her house a certain way. She doesn't like clutter and having a mattress and sleeping bags in her living room really bothers her. I have my own OCD quirks, so I get it, I do. I guess it just really stinks when you choose that over trying to get all your kids together as a family under one roof for the holidays.

 

So I'm disappointed and a bit hurt. Guess I'll just enjoy the FB pictures of everyone having a blast at my parents' house on Christmas. Yay. Venting over.

[Guest]

You're the only child dis-invited? That's not right.

[Bini]

You're the only child dis-invited? That's not right.

 

Yes. And I'm not coping well with it, haha. It grates on me more and more everyday leading up to the holidays. I'm trying to refocus my negative energy into positives...I'm not doing a good job, though.

[Guest]

You're not coping with it well because it doesn't feel right, and it doesn't feel right because it's not. I can't fathom this either as a daughter or a daughter-in-law, but moreso as a mother. I'm not trying to flame the fire, but to validate what you're feeling. I'm not sure what you should do with that, but your feelings are totally justified. 

[classylady]

Bini, my feelings would be hurt if I was in your shoes.  If the issue is truly her OCD, would it be possible to get a motel room? Is there any other family in the area where you could stay?  I wouldn't want to miss a family get-together.

[BeccaKirstyn]

My thoughts are the same as classylady, are there any hotels close that you get a room just to have somewhere to sleep? I'm really sorry. Your feelings are completely valid and feel free to vent all you want! 

[Vort]

I agree with Eowyn. I also don't want to fan the flames. I think it's best that you accept this gracefully, but that doesn't mean it's right. Based  on what you have told us, my judgment is that something is wrong with this picture.

[David13]

I can't relate.

In my family the only way we would visit my father and his new wife was by staying near by (hotel, motel, condo), and then day visits.

Different worlds.

Different universes.

dc

[beefche]

Could you get a hotel/motel room? 

[Crypto]

Idk, if it's a good idea for me to state this, but Is OCD like preferences the only issue that would cause your mother to want this? It strikes me as more is going on beneath the surface. Or maybe not. :/

I'm sorry about this happening.

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

Bini, I'm so sorry. That's just wrong.

[Guest]

Bini, I do sympathize.

 

What if...  Maybe we could look at this as a positive.

 

What if this just means she feels comfortable enough with you that she's just telling you what she wants?  She's not going to accept your offer, then mutter under her breath about those reasons she gave you?  She just flat out told you.

 

Do you know how easy it would be for a family member to just lie to you and then hold a grudge?  Instead she used the honest method.  That's a good sign, don't ya think?

[Bini]

Yes, we could get a hotel room for x amount of days but my husband and I are likely to just visit for New Years. It's not ideal, for us, but at least the grandparents will get to visit with our kiddos even if siblings won't get that chance. After I wrote my initial post last night, I talked it over with hubby some more, and he was able to get me settled down a bit. I never realised how my family functions so differently from others, until being married to my husband, whose family is very close-knit and will cram everyone in one room just so they can all be together. My family is loving but not in that way.

[Bini]

Bini, I do sympathize.

 

What if...  Maybe we could look at this as a positive.

 

What if this just means she feels comfortable enough with you that she's just telling you what she wants?  She's not going to accept your offer, then mutter under her breath about those reasons she gave you?  She just flat out told you.

 

Do you know how easy it would be for a family member to just lie to you and then hold a grudge?  Instead she used the honest method.  That's a good sign, don't ya think?

 

We don't believe she is being forthcoming. She claims that we wouldn't be comfortable on her living room floor and that's why we can't visit during Christmas. My husband and I think the truth is a combination of two things; (1) her tick to have her house presented a certain way, and (2) the idea of guests sleeping on the floor means that she has failed as a host in not successfully accommodating everyone. I believe these are the real reasons and feel that they're a bit selfish.

That said, though the whole thing grates on me, I will come to terms with whatever the outcome is and if New Years is our only time to visit - so be it. My parents are older, in their 70's and I don't want to waste any opportunities for them to see their grand kids.

[Guest]

If this happened to any one of my siblings there would be a declaration of family war on my mom's feet. My mom would be in so much trouble... My siblings would lit up on her for not giving them a chance to see the new baby and singling me out of the family. My mom is also OCD and so yeah, I understand the need for "presentation" and "proper hostess" but my mom wouldn't go so far as keeping siblings apart from each other... She'd rather we all rent a house where we all fit (which we have done - we actually rented an entire island!). But yea, my family is like that - we have no problem warring with each other when we see somebody do something stupid. It eventually gets resolved and it's like nothing happened.

I'm kinda weirded out that none of your siblings are complaining though...

And yea, if things are just gonna be worse if you file a complaint, better just make the most of it, I guess.

Edited October 26, 2015 by anatess

[Guest]

Well, family issues during the holidays -- who can figure them out?

[Maureen]

Bini, do your siblings know that you won't be spending Christmas with them? Would they stick up for you to your Mother?

 

M.

[Bini]

If this happened to any one of my siblings there would be a declaration of family war on my mom's feet. My mom would be in so much trouble... My siblings would lit up on her for not giving them a chance to see the new baby and singling me out of the family. My mom is also OCD and so yeah, I understand the need for "presentation" and "proper hostess" but my mom wouldn't go so far as keeping siblings apart from each other... She'd rather we all rent a house where we all fit (which we have done - we actually rented an entire island!). But yea, my family is like that - we have no problem warring with each other when we see somebody do something stupid. It eventually gets resolved and it's like nothing happened.

I'm kinda weirded out that none of your siblings are complaining though...

And yea, if things are just gonna be worse if you file a complaint, better just make the most of it, I guess.

 

I should clarify that my family is massive. There are 10 kids, some of us are biological, some of us are blended, some of us are adopted, and our ages range from 29 to 50. I only grew up with my youngest sister and the brother just older than me. I am not close to the others but we are civil with each other. I get along well with my sister but we've butt heads a few times this year, mainly, regarding parenting topics. (She is dealing with infertility issues and a few months ago I said some things that really ticked her off.) My brother, I don't see him often at all, he lives in California and is 7 years older than me, so we're not super close or anything. I guess what I'm getting at is that we're not particularly a tightly knit bunch.

The only other thing I can think of, is that my family is nervous about having a newly subscribed atheist/agnostic at the Christmas dinner table, haha. I admit, I have been very vocal with them about not wanting to discuss religion, especially in MY home. I don't care what they do in theirs, and being a guest in theirs, I'm fine with prayers or whatever else they wish to do - I just want participate. I think because my family, overall, is conservative LDS, they're all a bit iffy having me there. Possibly. I mean, aside from my mum's need to keep her house insanely perfect, that's the only other thing I would guess.

[Bini]

* I just won't participate.

[omegaseamaster75]

Is it a Mormon thing to want to have to step over someone to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night? Not be able to cruise around in your underwear if you want to? Or to have to be on someone else's schedule for breakfast? 

 

The guest rooms are full so you need to stay in a hotel if you want to visit, seems pretty straight forward to me don't be cheap and enjoy the holidays with your family.

[Guest]

Is it a Mormon thing to want to have to step over someone to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night? Not be able to cruise around in your underwear if you want to? Or to have to be on someone else's schedule for breakfast? 

 

The guest rooms are full so you need to stay in a hotel if you want to visit, seems pretty straight forward to me don't be cheap and enjoy the holidays with your family.

 

It's an Asian thing.  LOL!

 

But yeah, singled out among 10 kids!  I got a feeling you nailed it right on the head, Bini - I think your religious views (or lack thereof?) is the real reason.

[omegaseamaster75]

It's an Asian thing.  LOL!

 

But yeah, singled out among 10 kids!  I got a feeling you nailed it right on the head, Bini - I think your religious views (or lack thereof?) is the real reason.

So 9 of the 10 kids fit in this house (must be a palace)? is this true Bini? You are the only one excluded?

[Guest]

Bini,

 

It sounds like you're really being passive-aggressive about this.  Can you not afford a motel?  Maybe it's just not worth it to you.  But if you can afford it, this seems like a sure-fire way to verify if the baby crying at night is the real reason.  

 

Try a bluff (or not).  Call and tell her that you plan on getting a motel so the baby won't disturb anyone's sleep time.  If she appreciates that idea, then you're golden.  That was the real reason and problem solved.  But you'll have to actually get a motel then.

 

If she hesitates at the idea, then your suspicions are confirmed.  You can then ask, "OK, Mom.  What's the real reason?  Is it because I've left the Church?  Do I say or do something awkward around Christmas time?  Do I make it uncomfortable for you to talk about Jesus during Christmas?  What?  And what can I do to make it more comfortable for you?"

 

BTW, if you already know any of the above are true, you may want to consider that you might not WANT to be around their house at Christmas time.  

 

From your response -- so quickly shooting down the idea of getting a motel and then just resigning yourself to New Year's, it sounds like you probably already know this, especially since you finally said, "The only other thing I can think of..."  Given the timing and phrasing, I suspect that you deep down know this is the real reason.

 

When my brother left the Church, he would get his own motel room and just stay away until the religious part of Christmas was over.  Then he'd come in when the secular part of Christmas began.  

 

If you're there the whole time, there would be little things that would grate on me as a parent.  You would just sit there or wander around when we're saying a prayer.  Some of the little kids would get distracted and that would effect how those parents want to raise their kids.  

 

Whenever anyone else wanted to share a faith-building story or bear testimony or talk about Jesus... you'd be sitting there as the elephant in the room.  It wouldn't matter if you were a stranger.  But when they are people who love you, it is VERY awkward.

 

I could list more issues.  But you get the point.

Edited October 26, 2015 by Guest

[Bini]

So 9 of the 10 kids fit in this house (must be a palace)? is this true Bini? You are the only one excluded?

 

Their home is big but not all the kids will be there. I pointed out "ten kids" and our backgrounds to give an idea of why we're not all chummy. The age differences play a big part in that. (Some of the siblings are grandparents...) I consider about four of them actual siblings and the others more like very extended and distant relatives. But for those four siblings, yes, they'll be there.

[Bini]

If you're there the whole time, there would be little things that would grate on me as a parent.  You would just sit there or wander around when we're saying a prayer.  Some of the little kids would get distracted and that would effect how those parents want to raise their kids.  

 

Whenever anyone else wanted to share a faith-building story or bear testimony or talk about Jesus... you'd be sitting there as the elephant in the room.  It wouldn't matter if you were a stranger.  But when they are people who love you, it is VERY awkward.

 

I could list more issues.  But you get the point.

 

I understand what you've written.

 

That said, my parents have had family friends from overseas visit during the holidays that are not even Christian, and they did not participate in prayers or scriptures after dinner. I don't see how it'd be any different for me being there as their daughter! And even though I don't believe in god, I'm not so rude to walk around or talk during a moment of prayer, I can sit quietly - and if that's not good enough for someone, gees... What's an acceptable amount of tolerance towards a non-Christian that is having dinner at your table and does not participate in prayer?

 

As another day has passed, and I've got excellent feedback from this thread and from just talking it out with my husband, I am feeling okay about visiting just New Years. I think celebrating Christmas at home and doing the Santa thing for my daughter will be nice, we actually haven't had a "just us" Christmas in our new home yet, we've lived here going on three years and the first two years we had family stay. So maybe this is a good thing after all.