Joke


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A young boy and his father were in an argument about the weather. His father., Rudolph, was a leader in the communist party, and was a very smart man. The mother looked fondly on as they argued.

“Father, I do believe it will snow.”

“No, son, it will rain.”

“You're wrong, it will snow.”

“No, son, it will rain.”

This went for an hour until the mother stepped it.

“Son, listen to your father. Rudolph the Red, knows rain deer.”

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A young boy and his father were in an argument about the weather. His father., Rudolph, was a leader in the communist party, and was a very smart man. The mother looked fondly on as they argued.

“Father, I do believe it will snow.”

“No, son, it will rain.”

“You're wrong, it will snow.”

“No, son, it will rain.”

This went for an hour until the mother stepped it.

“Son, listen to your father. Rudolph the Red, knows rain deer.”

That ain't the way I heared it.

Lehi

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A Relief Society President, High Councilor, and Bishop were kidnapped for ransom.  The church, per policy, refused to pay the ransom, so the kidnappers told the three they could make a final request before being killed.

 

The Relief Society President said she'd like to sing all 7 verses of her favorite hymn, "A Poor Wayfaring Man of Grief".  The kidnappers reluctantly agreed.  The High Councilor said every month he prepared a half-hour talk, but without fail he never had more than ten minutes to speak, so he wanted to give all of his most-recent talk.  When the kidnappers asked the Bishop what his final wish was, he said, "I'd like to hear the Relief Society President sing her favorite hymn, but kill me before the High Councilor gives his talk."

 

  :roflmbo:

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An abbot's ancient bell-ringer dies, so he sends notice that a position is vacant. Only one man applies: An armless vagrant with no name. The abbot and the other monks tell him that they are sorry, but a bell-ringer must have arms in order to pull the rope that moves the bell into the clapper. The vagrant insists that he can do the job, if they just give him a chance.

 

So they take the man up the bell tower and tell him to have at it. The man runs and flings himself face-first at the bell, from which emerges the purest, most beautiful tone any of them have ever heard. All doubts are banished, and the abbot happily award the bell-ringing post to the armless man.

 

For almost a year, the man flawlessly performs his bell-ringing duty, and all are happy. But tragically, one rainy evening, the armless man slips and falls from the bell tower. The townspeople gather in sadness around his still form, and someone asks, "Did anyone know his name?" The abbot responds, "No, but his face rings a bell."

 

****************

 

The abbot sends out another notice of an open position, and again, there is only one applicant -- another armless vagrant who bears a strong resemblance to the previous man. After a similar test, the abbot hires him, and he also performs his duties flawlessly for about a year. Then, under similar circumstances, the new bell-ringer slips from the bell tower and falls to his death. As the shocked townsfolk gather around again, someone asks, "Does anyone know who this man was?" The abbot replies, "No, but he's a dead ringer for the last guy."

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A New York businessman goes into a bank for a short term secured loan of $10,000.  They agree to terms and the banker asks for collateral.  The businessman says, "No problem.  Here are the keys to my Rolls Royce."  The banker has it taken down to the secured underground parking garage as he completes the paperwork.

 

Two weeks later the businessman returns and pays the banker the principal plus $78.30 of interest and fees.  Before he leaves the banker asks him "I wondered about your Rolls Royce while you were gone and did some checking.  You're a multi-millionaire.  Why would you need a loan for $10,000?"

 

The businessman replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for $78.30 and not have to worry about it?"

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Bob and Judy Hill are traveling through Transylvania when they get into a terrible wreck and are gravely wounded. With no one around, they manage to drag themselves to the nearest residence, a terrifying castle.

Igor answers the door. Unfortunately the castle phone is out of order, but his master is a scientist who could possibly help.

The scientist tries his best to save the lives of Bob and Judy Hill, but in the end they succumb to their injuries and die.

The scientist mournfully goes to his organ to play out his failure, leaving Igor with the bodies.

As the organ music fills the castle, Igor noticed something strange. With each note, movement occurs in the bodies until Bob and Judy were sitting straight up.

Igor ran through the castle to find his master, shouting "Master! Master! The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"

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The Stradivarius violin is one of the most valuable and collectible musical instruments in history. To find an original in playable condition is a rare find. Many examples are insured for several hundreds of thousands of dollars.

 

Not long ago, someone began attempting to create forgeries of the magnificent violin. Multiple dozens of examples made it into circulation with no one the wiser. However there was something wrong with the forgeries that revealed their nature.

 

The end of the violin's neck is capped with a single wooden piece that is called the scroll. It holds the tuning pegs in place and works with the neck to keep the strings taught and playable. The scrolls of the Stradivarius were thought to be no more special than any other, as very few if anyone thought they contributed to the sound of the instrument overall.

 

The truth of their importance came out hand in hand with the discovery of the forgeries. Whenever a C note was played on a true Stradivarius, it rang strong and pure as any other note on the instrument. However when a C was played on a forgery, the note had a lifeless, almost dull tone that was clearly uncharacteristic of the legendary instrument's reputation.

 

The cause of this fault was very painfully examined and researched  for months until the cause was identified. There was something wrong with the scroll that caused the sour note.​

 

Sure enough, all the forgeries were identified by testing them with the single note weakness that the true instrument would never have.

 

In the end, several people were out hundreds of thousands of dollars, multiple investigations were launched, but nobody could determine who had made the forgeries. To this day, the entire episode is known as The Mystery of the Dead C Scrolls.

Edited by RipplecutBuddha
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Blame PC - his choking in another thread reminded me of the following joke... :)

 

One day at a local cafe, a woman suddenly called out, "My daughter's choking! She swallowed a nickel! Please, anyone, help!"

 

Immediately a man at a nearby table rushed up to her and said he was experienced in these situations.

 

He calmly stepped over the girl, with no look of concern, wrapped his arms around her and squeezed. Out popped the nickel. The man returned to his table as if nothing had happened.

 

"Thank you!" the mother cried. "Tell me, are you a doctor?"

 

"No," the man replied. "I work for the IRS."

Edited by zil
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  • 3 months later...
  • 3 years later...

WANT AD: Thirty missionaries for elaborate practical joke.

I confess I do not know why I think this is funny, nor do I know what situation might be referred to, but I keep picturing a nice pleasant missionary reading this ad and saying ‘Sure. Why not?’ I need a New Yorker cartoonist to illustrate. 

 

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On 12/16/2015 at 7:07 PM, zil said:

A Relief Society President, High Councilor, and Bishop were kidnapped for ransom.  The church, per policy, refused to pay the ransom, so the kidnappers told the three they could make a final request before being killed.

 

The Relief Society President said she'd like to sing all 7 verses of her favorite hymn, "A Poor Wayfaring Man of Grief".  The kidnappers reluctantly agreed.  The High Councilor said every month he prepared a half-hour talk, but without fail he never had more than ten minutes to speak, so he wanted to give all of his most-recent talk.  When the kidnappers asked the Bishop what his final wish was, he said, "I'd like to hear the Relief Society President sing her favorite hymn, but kill me before the High Councilor gives his talk."

 

  :roflmbo:

I'm not sure how, but I'm going to try to share this tonight at High Council.
It is funny because most of the time it is true.

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