DH's internet habits...how worried should I be?


MormonMama
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Okay this is a big what the??? to me.  I'm obviously not clearly understanding this, or there must be something else here that we don't know.

 

Are you seriously saying that a) you are pregnant and that b) if your husband is continues looking at racy pictures then next Christmas he will be alone?? as in either separated or divorced.

 

If I have that right, on what planet is that line of thinking acceptable?

 

 

Yes, with this being a repeat problem, I would divorce him if he insists on continuing it.  Because that's a huge sign of disrespect for me.  He would be incredibly upset if I were to look at pictures or videos of naked men.  He would feel betrayed, just like I do, especially if it was on-going over time.  If he's willing to work at fixing the problem, then of course I will support him and stand beside him.  But if he basically tells me that he doesn't care how I feel and he's going to keep doing it, then you're right, that's a sign of a much bigger problem in our marriage and one I won't put up with.  I did the single mom thing for 9 years before we married.  I know I can handle it again.  I'd rather be single than married to someone I can't trust and respect.  The ball is in his court now.  What decision he makes will tell me how he really feels about me and our marriage.

 

You seem to think that my comments about DH's computer skills apply to everything.  You shouldn't assume anything.  DH is very computer illiterate.  He even admits that.  Do you know who fills out his job applications?  Me, because he finds them confusing.  He constantly asks me for help with internet searches, figuring out how to do things on websites, etc.  He is the first person to admit that when it comes to computers, a kindergartener has more skills than he does.  He can do web searches, obviously, and play games on Facebook, but that's about it.  And truth be told, he's not interested in much more.  Again, this is the guy who refused to get a cell phone until I bought him one after our marriage.  And most of the time he leaves it in his backpack and never even hears it ring.  Now he has to keep it on hand for his job, since he's often on call, but if he had his way it would be turned off in a drawer most days.

 

And yes, if he won't go to our bishop, I will.  Not to "tattle" on DH, as you put it, but because I will need his spiritual guidance in this matter because I have no one else I can get it from.  DH and I are both converts, so I have no other Priesthood holder I can go to for guidance in this matter.  And I did tell DH I was going to talk to him, but wanted to give DH the option to talk to him first.

 

And yeah, I would LOVE to be a SAHM, but since DH only makes about half of what we need just to cover basic expenses like rent and groceries, we have no choice but for me to work.  It's not that he doesn't want to support his family, he does.  He's tried for years to find a higher paying job.  He finally got one last year, only to get laid off 7 months later.  The only job he could find after that paid almost $7.00 an hour less and doesn't always give him 40 hours a week.  I make more than he does right now.  He's still looking for a better job and I should know, since I fill out and submit the applications, but he can't even get an interview.  So I have to work.  It's not a choice.

 

Your post is full of a LOT of assumptions and very uneducated guesses.  It's not even remotely helpful. 

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Not to diminish his actions, they are certainly unworthy but not sure Priesthood authority is required to resolve this issue. I do understand that you desire him to change and put away these things and if your husband agrees with you that "racy" sites are wrong and unworthy and resolves to steer clear and change, then he should be able to choose to resolve that with Heavenly Father. 

 

That said, Bishop is always an option regardless of the need for Priesthood authority or not. But that should be his choice and not a condition of your forgiveness.

Edited by bytor2112
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My two cents:

 

First, the racy photos part.  I think looking at racy photos is wrong, sinful, and requires repentance.  It is also pretty disgraceful for a priesthood holder to be doing such a thing.  Does it require the bishop's intervention?  This is probably a borderline bishop situation, as he appears to be looking at the photos a lot, seeking the racy photos out and kind of reveling in the filth.  With his past pornography problems, it would certainly not hurt to have a chat with the bishop.  Let's do keep some perspective, though - perhaps it could be said that looking at racy photos is to looking at full-blown pornography as drinking coffee would be to drinking beer.  They are both sinful, they both may require bishop intervention, but there is a difference in degree, and I don't think your husband has actually gone off the proverbial deep end yet.  He needs to shape up and get serious now, though, before things get really really bad.  Also, unless there is more to your husband's story than he let on, I don't think that him having an affair is probably something you should be worried about at this point- that's kind of an extreme jump, from racy photos straight to an affair.

 

What is more disturbing and serious to me than the photos themselves is the fact that you implied he is looking at racy pictures AND simply does not care in the slightest that it hurts you.  The impression I got from your post is that his attitude is "I don't care how you feel, I am going to continue looking at these photos whether you like it or not" (correct me if I misinterpreted).  To me, this is a much bigger red flag then the racy photos themselves.  He should be willing to give up looking at racy photos simply because he loves you and you are hurt by the photos.  He should be willing to give up the racy photos for you if it hurts you regardless of how serious a sin looking at the photos is.  That is what a man honoring the priesthood does.  This is certainly a reason to go to the bishop- it looks like he needs to be counseled about honoring his wife and righteously using the priesthood in his home.  A good husband should be willing to take a bullet for you if necessary.  If he thinks that pictures of girls in their underwear is more important than your feelings, the man has some serious priority problems and issues with selfishness and needs marriage counseling to learn to be a better husband and father.

 

In sum, nothing bad can ever come from talking with the bishop and getting his counsel.  I think your husband needs to overcome his racy photos problem now, but what is far more important is he needs to respect you and your feelings more.  The bishop may be a good first step towards getting your husband the help in being a better husband and father that he needs.

Edited by DoctorLemon
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DH came home just a bit ago and I did tell him what I had discovered.  He didn't say anything at first, so I asked him if he was admitting it or denying it and he admitted it.  I told him that to say I was upset about it was an understatement and that he needs to talk to our bishop.  He said he would, but we'll see.

 

Eowyn, I don't think he's an addict...yet.  Because of his past issue years ago, I do check browser history from time to time and it's only been in the past month or so that this stuff has shown up.  But I've read enough articles to know that the potential is definitely there.

 

We'll see if he actually talks to our bishop and where things go from here.  But honestly, if he doesn't make an effort to change, he may find himself alone by next Christmas.  I forgave him once in the past for this and he did make changes and made an effort to avoid it at the time, but if he's doing it again that tells me that this may be an even deeper problem than I had thought.

 

And with his work hours and mine being so different, it would be pretty easy for him to have an affair and me not find out.  So far I'm not seeing anything that makes me think he is and my gut is telling me he's not, but I'm not naive enough to think it could never happen.

 

Among other things, one of the important things I do to remain recovered from porn addiction is that I do not look at women.  I don't watch TV and I am extremely careful about what I do on the internet.  I use the strongest setting on popup blocker and I have every ad blocker I can find.  It keeps about 95% of the trash off my monitor.  He is flirting with addiction and these are the beginning steps. 

 

The problem with him going to the bishop under these circumstances is that he's not doing it of his own free choice.,  Making changes under pressure usually are not lasting changes.  My change was totally my idea because I wanted to change.  The problem with men with these type of problems is that they like what they are doing.  They may admit it's wrong, but they still like what they are doing.  He can use your urging to begin the changes, but he's got to want to change for the right reasons otherwise he will fall back into the same pattern and could very well end up an addict.

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What is more disturbing and serious to me than the photos themselves is the fact that you implied he is looking at racy pictures AND simply does not care in the slightest that it hurts you.  The impression I got from your post is that his attitude is "I don't care how you feel, I am going to continue looking at these photos whether you like it or not" (correct me if I misinterpreted).  To me, this is a much bigger red flag then the racy photos themselves.  He should be willing to give up looking at racy photos simply because he loves you and you are hurt by the photos.  He should be willing to give up the racy photos for you if it hurts you regardless of how serious a sin looking at the photos is.  That is what a man honoring the priesthood does.  This is certainly a reason to go to the bishop- it looks like he needs to be counseled about honoring his wife and righteously using the priesthood in his home.  A good husband should be willing to take a bullet for you if necessary.  If he thinks that pictures of girls in their underwear is more important than your feelings, the man has some serious priority problems and issues with selfishness and needs marriage counseling to learn to be a better husband and father.

 

I don't think it's so much that he doesn't care about my feelings, it's that he just doesn't see what's wrong with looking at women if their clothes are still on, even when they're barely on and the photos are clearly designed to excite sexual passions.  He once showed me a video that he thought was hilarious.  It was supposed to be a spoof on addiction, with the women in the video being addicted to twerking and it showed her twerking all over the place.  He thought it was absolutely hilarious.  I thought it was sick and disgusting and those images still pop into my head during church at times.  He didn't get why I would be offended to watch a woman basically air humping everything in site.

 

However, now that I've made it clear in no uncertain terms that I am feeling hurt, betrayed and offended by what he is looking at and that it definitely violates the church's standard of morality (which is why I want him to speak to the bishop, so he's not hearing it from just me), if he continues to look and still thinks it's my problem and not his, that will tell me that he doesn't care about my feelings.  Right now he says he does and that he will talk to the bishop.

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Not to diminish his actions, they are certainly unworthy but not sure Priesthood authority is required to resolve this issue. I do understand that you desire him to change and put away these things and if your husband agrees with you that "racy" sites are wrong and unworthy and resolves to steer clear and change, then he should be able to choose to resolve that with Heavenly Father. 

 

That said, Bishop is always an option regardless of the need for Priesthood authority or not. But that should be his choice and not a condition of your forgiveness.

 

The problem is, he's not just looking at racy photos, he's also taking care of his own passions, if you know what I mean.  Yes, I have proof of this and he also admitted it when I confronted him.  And I know from past experience with him that it's a very short jump to looking at full-blown pornographic pictures and videos.  If this had been the first time this had happened, and if it was just racy photos of clothed women, I probably would not feel a need to involve the bishop.

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Do understand that what is in play here is a very powerful drive (even if is not a full blown addiction).

 

Such things simply do not have an off switch.

 

While his feelings for you might very well motivate him to change, they really have very little bearing on his long term success.  Short-term he can hold it by will power, but will power will fade and weaken.

 

For him to truly be successful he needs to reprogram himself, he need to change his habits and accessibility of the temptation.

 

That takes time, and sometimes that takes figuring out what doesn't work.  (aka relapse)

 

Telling him how you feel is important.  Laying down an Ultimatum, is likely to backfire, as he struggles to find a better path for himself.

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Yjacket, I'm sorry but your comments are very out of line.  And MM has EVERY right to be upset at her husband sexually exciting himself thinking about other women, especially as a repeat offender who's blowing off her feelings on the matter.

Oh she certainly has a right to be upset; I completely agree with that-I never said she didn't. I get upset at my wife over plenty of things, she gets upset at me over plenty of things. We are both justified in being upset at each other for the things we do.

 

But she is throwing divorce around about this issue?  I'll call it like I see it-throwing divorce around this issue is absolute, utter garbage.

 

If this is the only issue that she is concerned about and she is willing to divorce him over looking at (not porn), but women in bikinis in suggestive poses-from what I've gathered, then quite frankly that's not a woman I'd want to be married to. Not for this issue, but that the attitude is one of " 'hey when things are tough or my spouse does something that hurts me, I cut bait". And life is hard enough as it is, and I want someone who will stick with me and me with her through whatever life throws at us.

 

Divorce is justified in Adultery and Abuse and maybe in Addiction, if the addiction causes massive disruptions. A low-functioning addict,divorce might be justified.  A high-functioning addict would be a pretty hard sell.  

 

I don't look at that stuff-'cuz 1) I've got a pretty good wife 2) it ain't real and 3)life is too short to waste time on it and 4) God says so. We all have our problems and we all fall short of what we should do.

 

If MM really wants to fix her marriage, the #1 thing she should do right now is to eliminate any thoughts of divorce. I'm just flabbergasted that people can think that MM is justified in thinking about divorce over this issue.  Looking at racy pictures and/or even porn is vastly different than calling a phone number or having an affair. Is it wrong-absolutely! Should he stop, yes! Is it hurtful, yes! Is it grounds for divorce-heck no!

 

I mean this just blows my mind.  She is pregnant and has multiple children and she is thinking about breaking up her family over this? Talk about cutting of your nose to spite your face. Her attitude about divorce is absolutely 100% wrong. And before she can even begin to help her husband solve his fight (not hers), she has to change her attitude.

 

Now, if he actually goes out and has an affair-my opinion will change very quickly.

Edited by yjacket
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Your post is full of a LOT of assumptions and very uneducated guesses.  It's not even remotely helpful. 

My apologies.

 

I will give you two short pieces of advice that are within your power to change that will help things.

 

1) Eliminate any outs or any thoughts of divorce.

2) Be a wife to your husband-right now you sound like his mother not his wife.

 

The only person you can change is you-not him.

Edited by yjacket
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I guess I will point out that the "science" behind porn addiction is nowhere near as absolutely certain as zil is. The APA (Americal Psychiatric Association) rejected porn and sex "addiction" when they compiled their most recent diagnostics manual (DSM-V), though, I understand, the decision was one of the bigger topics debated during the compilation process.

DSM is very subjective diagnosing criteria, one of the weaker areas scientifically. Just because there is political quibble about stuff doesn't mean is doesn't exist (and vice versa)

Generic guidelines on addiction from the very same DSM (https://www.danya.com/dlc/bup/pdf/Dependence_DSM.PDF)

(You will find anywhere from 2 to 4 of these will qualify someone for an addiction)

1. Tolerance

2. Withdrawal

3. Increases over time

4. Persistent desire, or unsuccessful effort to stop or reduce

5. A great deal time is spend to obtain, use, or recover

6. Social, recreational, or occupational actives are reduced or given up

7. Continued use despite knowledge of harm to self

I will also state that just because something may not be an addiction doesn't mean it's okay either.

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I'm not talking about him making attempts to quit his behavior and relapsing from time to time.  I know darn well that you can just turn your desires off.  I'm talking about if he takes an attitude of, "I see nothing wrong with it, you're just overly sensitive and you need to get over it and I'm going to do what I want."  That would be a deal-breaker for me.  Especially since he sees nothing wrong with looking at stuff like that when the kids are in the room.  Since the women are clothed, he doesn't get what the big deal is.  But since I also know for a fact that he's pleasuring himself, clearly these photos are a bigger deal than he claims.  I also know for a fact, from past experience with him, that it doesn't take long to go from racy photos of clothed women to flat-out porn.  Like I said, we've been around this block before.  I want this nipped in the bud before it goes any farther.

 

Getting his pleasure himself by looking at racy photos of other women when I'm right there in the bedroom is cheating, imo.  He's betraying me with other women, whether it's in the flesh or not.  I'm not waiting until it IS in the flesh.  If he's not willing to attempt to quit (and so far he says he is), then that tells me he has no respect for me.  Again, I'm not talking about making an effort and relapsing, I'm talking about if he decides he just doesn't care. 

 

I did NOT tell him "quit now or I'm filing for divorce," as some of you seem to think.  I told him that if this continues and he doesn't make an effort to stop, then I would eventually divorce him.  Because if he does that, it tells me that he doesn't really care about me and doesn't respect me.  And I can't respect someone who doesn't respect me, nor can I be married to someone like that.  As long as I see that he is trying, even if he fails sometimes, I'll stand by him.

 

Right now, he says he wants to stop and he feels badly for doing it.  But I also don't know how long he would have continued if I hadn't caught him (he admitted that it's been going on for a month and a half this time; last time it was a lot longer before I caught him and it was full-on porn videos and a LOT of them).  I want it to stop this time BEFORE it gets to that point and if I have to give him a warning of what will happen if he continues, so be it. 

 

Yjacket, you don't know my husband and you don't know how he responds to things.  I've known him for 13 years and been married to him for almost 10.  I know what kinds of conversations he responds to and what has no effect or he doesn't take seriously.  He's the type of person who needs to be told flat-out, "keep doing x and you'll get y."  That may sound like an ultimatum to you, but DH likes things put right out on the table like that.  That way there's no room for misunderstanding.  I'm the same way.  I just want someone to tell it like it is and not play word games.

 

There's a lot of things I can overlook and forgive in my marriage.  I know darn well that I have my own faults.  But deliberately seeking sexual pleasure from another woman, whether it's in the flesh or not, is something I will not tolerate.  DH knows this.  He knows that eventually this will lead to the end of our marriage if he persists (not tries to quit and fails at times, but actually persists).

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For the record (and anyone else who may have questions and reads this thread in the future), my comments about looking at racy photos being a "borderline bishop situation" is for looking at racy photos only (with no self-abuse involved).  Once self-abuse enters the picture, which appears to be the case above, things become much more serious.  Self abuse plus pornography and/or racy photographs is a fast-track to addiction and/or escalation, and the bishop's help is positively necessary at that point.

 

MM, I am glad to hear that your husband is going to the bishop to get this all straightened out.  May he emerge older, wiser, and able to stay far away from chastity sins.

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I have been going through the exact same thing! I caught my husband looking at a website of pictures of a girl, barely dressed. He was really embarrassed that I caught him alone in a bedroom looking at it. What hurt the most is he had been rejecting me for months. I was pregnant but I have since caught him watching really dirty movies. He said I am controlling and insecure. I have had my baby. She is 4 months old and i have lost 53lbs. But he still doesn't seem to be attracted to me. I think something is wrong and don't know what to do myself.

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For the record (and anyone else who may have questions and reads this thread in the future), my comments about looking at racy photos being a "borderline bishop situation" is for looking at racy photos only (with no self-abuse involved).  Once self-abuse enters the picture, which appears to be the case above, things become much more serious.  Self abuse plus pornography and/or racy photographs is a fast-track to addiction and/or escalation, and the bishop's help is positively necessary at that point.

 

MM, I am glad to hear that your husband is going to the bishop to get this all straightened out.  May he emerge older, wiser, and able to stay far away from chastity sins.

 

DoctorLemon, no worries.  I don't think I mentioned the self-abuse in my original post, but it is definitely going on and DH has admitted to it.  Our bishop is currently out of town so DH hasn't been able to talk to him yet, but I don't know if he's quite worked up the nerve for that yet anyway.  If know if it was me I'd need more time. 

 

Texygirl, I'm so sorry you are going through this.  My DH at least still shows an interest in me (which is why I don't get why he's looking at racy pictures when I'm available and he's never acted like he doesn't want me).  Is your DH willing to talk to your bishop or get marital counseling?  I'm going to be talking to my bishop, whether my DH will or not (he says he will), because I know I will need his support and advice through this.  Good luck.  I hope you guys can work this out.

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Yjacket, you don't know my husband and you don't know how he responds to things.  I've known him for 13 years and been married to him for almost 10.

No, I don't know your husband. But I do know (and you can look at any number of marriage counseling books) that telling your husband something to the effect of "if you don't stop, I will divorce you" is not appropriate. It is 100% morally wrong.

 

I dare you, go tell your Bishop that you tell your husband that and see what his response is. Tell a marriage counselor that and see what their response is.

 

Threatening divorce is never appropriate-which is what you are doing.  And you are threatening it because you mean it; and divorcing over this issue is wrong and is not supported in the Gospel, period end of story. There are no talks in the Church, general conference talks, apostles talks etc. that justify divorce in this situation. There are talks that justify divorce for adultery and abuse. 

 

You are in essence using threats, ultimatums and the nuclear option to solve this issue and it won't work.  You are using a sledgehammer to hammer in a nail and you will very likely end up breaking the wall rather than hammer in the nail.

 

You just want the problem fixed and are using threats to do so without understanding the underlying issues. What your husband is doing is a big problem, it isn't right and he needs to stop.  But it is not adultery. While yes Jesus said a man has committed adultery in his heart for this, if this is the standard for divorce-then the divorce rate would probably double. It is a scourge and a disease and should not happen but it is not divorce worthy.

Edited by yjacket
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WOW....I read through most of these posts SMH

 

MM are your his mom or his wife? "I'm gonna brown you out to the bishop, so you better talk to him first" He is a grown man he knows the deal and can go to the bishop if he decides that he needs to. I don't think that looking at racy pictures, and a couple instances of self abuse rise to the level of seeing the bishop. Don't get me wrong I am not excusing his behavior not at all. He needs to stop and stop right now.

 

What you have are communication problems, a fundamental failure to express to him how hurtful and painful it is when he looks at these images. When you get upset, make threats, shame him, you accomplish nothing. In fact you make it harder for him to want to stop. You create resentment and he will close you out. 

 

I recommend you see a MFT not the bishop unless your husband decides on his own that he wants to do so (I don't think that it rises to that level). Most bishops are not MFT's and he will tell your guy  to knock it off and throw a copy of Spencer W. Kimballs book at him. Telling him how he will turn gay if he keeps it up.

 

Lastly next time your in church surrounded by all of these "worthy" guys think about this.....all of them have looked at porn in the past (some currently), and all of them have self abused some not for may years and some quite recently. I can guarantee you they didn't see the bishop every time it happened. Don't judge and don't compare him to others. 

 

Ok. I shouldn't say all, someone on this site who grew up in a cardboard box, in a cave on a mountain top, will pop up and say what I have posted is untrue.

Edited by omegaseamaster75
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Ok. I shouldn't say all, someone on this site who grew up in a cardboard box, in a cave on a mountain top, will pop up and say what I have posted is untrue.

Yeap, it is a modern day pandemic.  I understand how hurtful it is to women in relationships, but so many women don't understand how pervasive and accessible it is.  The statistics are pretty daunting (granted they could be wrong, but they just about all say the same thing).

http://www.provenmen.org/2014pornsurvey/pornography-use-and-addiction/

http://www.safefamilies.org/sfStats.php

 

70-80% of men from 18-30 look at porn monthly!! 70-80%.

66% from 31-50 look at porn monthly.   

 

In just about all studies the usage drops as age increases-IMO tied directly to the male libido.

 

And the numbers aren't that much better for Christians or married men, it drops down to something like 50%.  Just statistically speaking, if you are married you got just slightly better than 50% odds that your husband abstains from it.

 

Men who would have never bought a Playboy 40 years ago are enticed into websites that are 10x worse than Playboy ever was. Internet porn is so prevalent that Playboy, for pete's sake is doing away with their nude issues!

 

It is a massive, major problem.  Probably the most destructive force the internet could have ever unleashed. Porn is so prevalent and massive that there are people inside the FBI and CIA who specifically look at pornography because drug dealers and terrorists embed messages inside the pornographic images and videos.

 

The fact of the matter is that it is getting harder and harder in today's society to find and keep oneself un-spotted. Whether it's through porn, adultery or other wickedness it's hard to find a good moral partner.  And even if we have a good moral partner other issues crop up-whether it's finances or working late, or anger, etc.  

 

If one wants to one can find all sorts of reasons to divorce; the Lord through his prophets have said while there might be all these reasons the only justifiable ones are Adultery and Abuse. 

Edited by yjacket
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Not to diminish his actions, they are certainly unworthy but not sure Priesthood authority is required to resolve this issue. I do understand that you desire him to change and put away these things and if your husband agrees with you that "racy" sites are wrong and unworthy and resolves to steer clear and change, then he should be able to choose to resolve that with Heavenly Father. 

 

That said, Bishop is always an option regardless of the need for Priesthood authority or not. But that should be his choice and not a condition of your forgiveness.

 

MM's husband is doing things that would keep him from getting a temple recommend.  That requires a talk with the bishop to clear up before he can get one.  What I cannot understand are those who seem (I could be wrong) to be justifying or mitigating the seriousness of looking at porn.  Yes, I am saying that racy photos, including bikini shots, lingerie and other such filth are pornography.  Nudity is not required.  I don't care how much someone wants to nitpick, dwell on semantics or use deceptive modern worldly definitions, it is nothing more than another form of porn; no if's, and's, or but's.

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MM's husband is doing things that would keep him from getting a temple recommend.  That requires a talk with the bishop to clear up before he can get one.  What I cannot understand are those who seem (I could be wrong) to be justifying or mitigating the seriousness of looking at porn.  Yes, I am saying that racy photos, including bikini shots, lingerie and other such filth are pornography.  Nudity is not required.  I don't care how much someone wants to nitpick, dwell on semantics or use deceptive modern worldly definitions, it is nothing more than another form of porn; no if's, and's, or but's.

Well it's not porn, it's not and that's not justifying anything, dwelling on semantics or using worldly definitions. 

 

It can be made to be porn depending on usage of the materials.

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My apologies.

 

I will give you two short pieces of advice that are within your power to change that will help things.

 

1) Eliminate any outs or any thoughts of divorce.

2) Be a wife to your husband-right now you sound like his mother not his wife.

 

The only person you can change is you-not him.

 

This is a large, smelly pile of organic waste products.  You really are not showing anything in the way of empathy or understanding.  Having been the offender in a situation like this and seeing what I put my wife through, let me tell you a bit about how it makes the victim feel.  First off, you have turned the problem back onto the victim by criticizing her feelings and frustration.  That's like telling a rape victim it was her fault for being raped.

 

Secondly, her husband's problem with porn (yes, I'm saying that racy photos are porn) makes her feel as if she is cheap, unimportant, and that other women are more important, more desirable and more attractive than she is to him.  She feels devastated, hurt, betrayed, rejected and can no longer trust him.  She feels that the situation is hopeless because she cannot compete with all the other women in the world.   She feels other women who fit the profile are a threat, which makes them her enemy.  There is always another woman who is thinner, more attractive, younger, etc., and he will always be comparing her to the unrealistic, photoshopped women in the photos.

 

It has nothing to do with her acting "like his mother."  She has a right to expect him to act like a decent and honorable husband, father, and priesthood holder.  If he will not change, she has the right to leave his sorry butt because he is incapable of achieving the Celestial Kingdom.  Let me paraphrase Brigham Young when he told women, "Follow your husbands, but not to hell."

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So out of curiosity, what happens if one spouse refuses flat-out to stop looking at whatever level of porn or similar, giving a simple "I understand where you are coming from and I love you, but I choose this and it's not stopping in the forseen future." Does a good wife just learn to live with it and be miserable? It seems the "don't divorce" idea puts all power with one spouse who can then do whatever he or she wants short of abuse and adultery and the partner just has to deal with it.

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Well it's not porn, it's not and that's not justifying anything, dwelling on semantics or using worldly definitions. 

 

It can be made to be porn depending on usage of the materials.

 

You may be confused about what porn is.  There's a good LDS video that teaches kids about porn at https://www.lds.org/youth/video/what-should-i-do-when-i-see-pornography?lang=eng

 

At the 1:35 mark it teaches "pornography means bad pictures of people with little or no clothes on."  This supports JojoBag's statement that "racy photos, including bikini shots, lingerie and other such filth are pornography".

 

One of the points of the video is that when you encounter it you should immediately "call it what it is". 

 

If the images are "racy" with little clothes on, they are porn.

 

In the "True to the Faith" book, Chastity chapter (https://www.lds.org/manual/true-to-the-faith/chastity?lang=eng) in the "Stay away from pornography" section it teaches "Do not view, read, or listen to anything that depicts or describes the human body or sexual conduct in a way that can arouse sexual feelings."

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So out of curiosity, what happens if one spouse refuses flat-out to stop looking at whatever level of porn or similar, giving a simple "I understand where you are coming from and I love you, but I choose this and it's not stopping in the forseen future." Does a good wife just learn to live with it and be miserable? It seems the "don't divorce" idea puts all power with one spouse who can then do whatever he or she wants short of abuse and adultery and the partner just has to deal with it.

The three A's

 

Adultery

 

Abuse

 

Addiction

 

Is he addicted to porn? like not going to work, spending all his money on pay sites, neglecting his family type addiction?

 

If the answer is yes then OK you can make an argument for divorce.  Our LDS concentric perception of what a porn addiction is not the norm. 

 

Before I get blasted I in no way advocate porn viewing in any way shape or form and her husband should stop immediately. 

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