Pornography?

[texygirl]

I got married to my husband in the temple almost 10 years ago. We have 3 kids, our youngest is almost 4 months old. We haven't always been really active. We usually attend once a month but he is always working, during parts of the year he has to work on Sundays and I haven't been strong enough to go by myself.

My parents are divorced and got divorced around the same time I got married. They have both become inactive and don't believe in the church anymore. My 2 siblings say they don't even believe in God.

My husband's family is active. My husband went on a mission and I know he has a testimony. But I feel like something has changed. While I was pregnant with my baby, he acted really distant with me. He would hardly even kiss me, would reject me and seemed to push me away. One day, I noticed he was downstairs in one of our bedrooms and the door was shut. He acted really suspicious and had my tablet in his hand. He wouldn't give it to me when I asked. He made me chase him through the whole house and finally locked himself in a room. I started crying because I knew what he must have been doing and he finally admitted he was looking at something he shouldn't be. It was a girl, who is famous, who was on this website and was hardly dressed. She was in her underwear and in bikinis and there were many pictures. It hurt because he had been rejecting me for months. I know I was pregnant but I still wanted to be close to him and here he was looking at pictures of some girl in the bedroom alone. I know she was not completely undressed but I knew he was definitely into the pictures.

I have lost 53 pounds since my baby was born 4 months ago and he still doesn't act too interested in me. A couple of days ago I saw he had been watching this movie on the internt and it had nudity and sex and a review I read said it was just short of a porno film. I asked him about it and he said it was just a movie. I tried to search for it on YouTube and it was awful.He called me controlling and insecure and asked if I would like him to ask for permission before he watches a movie.

I realize now that it could be partly my fault. We have watched shows like Game of Thrones and other series that contain dirty scenes. We always fast forward through them but maybe we shouldn't have been watching them at all in the first place. I told him today that we need to change and stop watching shows that contain nudity and adult scenes and he got upset and said he agrees we need to be more active but don't need to go to the extreme of discontinuing the shows we watch. He told me not to preach to him. I am worried about our marriage. I know he hasn't watched porn but I read an article from one of the apostles that pornography can be many different things. I guess I really didn't think of it like that but I now know it's true.I love him so much and want our marriage to be good. I just don't know how to go about changing things in our home.

[Guest]

First, you should check out the thread on this site called "DH's internet habits"... it discusses a situation that is very similar to yours and you may find lots of good advice there. 

 

The best two things you can do in this situation are to go to church every week and discuss this problem with your bishop.  Contrary to popular opinion in some circles, the ultimate power in the universe is not the Death Star from Star Wars but the holy priesthood of God, and you can tap into that power to combat this problem by going to church and doing your best to live righteously.  Counseling with the bishop is like tapping directly into revelation and guidance from the Lord.  Through revelation, he will be able to give you the guidance and support you need to help your husband.  

 

Regarding media choices, your husband has served a mission and been through the temple... deep down he knows that it is wrong to view pornography (and it sounds like he has indeed viewed pornography, based on your description of the movie he saw).  You may want to remind him of what he surely already knows, that anything rated R (or TV-MA or whatever) is not appropriate for members of the Church, particularly if it is sexually explicit.  You may even consider putting your foot down and saying, "No more of this in my home, where I am trying to raise my children."  You may remind him that using pornography endangers his eternal salvation.  If he refuses to listen (and you may want to run this one by your bishop first), perhaps smashing the internet router so he can't access the sleaze is in order. . .   You are his wife, and you DO have a right to forbid him from watching sexually explicit materials.  His defensive reaction shows that, deep down inside, he knows he is wrong.  If he persists in refusing to listen to you on this, then perhaps marriage counseling of some sort would be in order to help him see that ignoring your feelings on this is not how a righteous priesthood holder behaves.

 

In sum, it is good that you are nipping this issue in the bud right now.  Take counsel in your bishop, and draw strength from your ward.  You may have to stand up to your husband at some point (and do counsel with the bishop on this), but don't let the sleaze pollute your home.

 

Good luck!

Edited December 21, 2015 by DoctorLemon

[Mahone]

Don't make the mistake of assuming that a cause of all this is him no longer being attracted to you. Men who look at pornography often do so despite their active attraction to their spouse and his lack of affection is more likely than not a symptom of repeated pornography use as opposed to the other way around.

Edited December 21, 2015 by Mahone

[Jane_Doe]

The first commenters on here gave really good advice already.

 

I'm going to address the comments you've made about this somehow being your fault because you're not attractive enough: such thoughts are simply poison and completely untrue.  Men do NOT get into porn because they find their wife unattractive.  Porn is a drug, one that destroys natural attraction between spouses: your husband quit being interested in you because of his filthy problem, not because of anything you did/didn't do.  Case and point: men married to the "hottest" porn-stars aren't interested in their wives sexually... because they'd rather be porn.  

[estradling75]

The first commenters on here gave really good advice already.

 

I'm going to address the comments you've made about this somehow being your fault because you're not attractive enough: such thoughts are simply poison and completely untrue.  Men do NOT get into porn because they find their wife unattractive.  Porn is a drug, one that destroys natural attraction between spouses: your husband quit being interested in you because of his filthy problem, not because of anything you did/didn't do.  Case and point: men married to the "hottest" porn-stars aren't interested in their wives sexually... because they'd rather be porn.  

 

 

To reinforce this statement..  It is not about you.  If he had turned to drugs you wouldn't think "if only I could get him high then everything would be alright"  Or if he had turned to alcohol you wouldn't think "if only I could get him drunk then everything would be alright"  Yet many women when face with a spouse who has turned to porn think "If only I was attractive enough, if only I was sexy enough."  And thus spend a whole lot of time thinking the problem is about them.  And all that leads to a whole lot of frustration and heartache.  You can't match a fantasy and even if you did you would not solve the problem.

[omegaseamaster75]

Holy cow are you his mommy or his wife? did you brown him out to the bishop yet?

 

I am not on your husbands side he SHOULD NOT be viewing things that you find distasteful or disrespectful he simply shouldn't. 

 

He called me controlling and insecure and asked if I would like him to ask for permission before he watches a movie.

I can only imagine the conversation that led up to this catastrophe

 

I realize now that it could be partly my fault. 

You think?

 

 We have watched shows like Game of Thrones and other series that contain dirty scenes. We always fast forward through them but maybe we shouldn't have been watching them at all in the first place. 

So now all of the sudden it's not ok? I've seen Game of Thrones and don't give me this we fast forward through the naughty bits.....p..l..e..a..s..e......So basically you only watch half the show? Come on I wasn't born yesterday.

 

 He told me not to preach to him.

 

Don't he is a RM he knows the drill

 

 I am worried about our marriage. I know he hasn't watched porn but I read an article from one of the apostles that pornography can be many different things. I guess I really didn't think of it like that but I now know it's true.I love him so much and want our marriage to be good. I just don't know how to go about changing things in our home.

You need to see a MFT, and stop being a hypocrite about the stuff you are watching on cable. A big mea culpa and a slice of humble pie will go a long way towards agreeing on what is and what is not appropriate to view in your household. 

[zil]

I recommend checking out the following (there's a boatload, just pick the things you think are most relevant):

 

https://www.lds.org/new-era/2015/10/recovering-from-the-trap-of-pornography?lang=eng

 

The Church's Resource page

 

FWIW.

[texygirl]

Thank you for all your helpful comments. I know things need to change now and we need to start becoming more active. But I believe he has had this problem since we first got married. Not a serious problem but after we had been married a couple months there was a night that I had gone to bed and he said he was going to come in a little while. After a little while I went to go see if he was coming and saw he was watching Girls Gone Wild, girls with their shirts off. It was blurred but I couldn't understand why he was watching it. There have been more incidents like this over our almost 10 years of marriage and when I would start to worry, people would tell me it's normal for a guy to do these things. I guess I remember my parents watching shows with nudity and sexual scene. But my parents got divorced and they were never really that active my whole life. I do not want a marriage like theirs. I will not preach anymore to him but I am definitely putting a stop to shows that contain nudity and sexual scenes. I think it all started with Breaking Bad. My husband works so much. He is hardly ever home, the only day we have together is Sunday but we don't even have that anymore lately. In the summer he would leave for work at 7 and come home at 9 every night. He chooses to work that much though. One of his jobs he does with his Dad and that's the one that takes up all his time. While I was in the hospital, the day after I had my baby, he left me to go help his dad. But anyway So someone told us how good the show Breaking Bad was. I know it's not the most appropriate show but I was glad we were spending time together and I thought it was pretty good.after we finished that we looked for more series to watch together and he happenedto see game of thrones on one night so I started watching with him. My grandma loves the show and i have always thought she was a good member. So even thoughI didn't care too much for it, I was happy we were spending time together and trust me, we have always fast forwarded the dirty parts. I am not lying there. But I have opened a box I never should have opened there and things are going to change today.

[estradling75]

You could very well be right that he has had it the entire time you have been married.

 

That would mean it is a coping method for him.  Life is full of things the stress us out and cause worry and concern.  We need to learn to deal with and handle in positive ways.

 

His way is not a positive way, but it is a way for him to have control and feel better (for a short while).  This most recent set of events might have been trigger/reinforced by the pregnancy and birth of your child. (not all stressors are negative)

 

If this is true his stopping will always be temporary, until he finds and develops a better way of coping with life's challenges.

[texygirl]

I have never thought it could be a coping method for him but I think you may be right. We have 3 kids and with each pregnancy he has acted very distant, during each pregnancy he has seemed to push me away. The second wasn't as bad as the first or the third. With this last baby, he didn't seem too excited about the pregnancy, he actually made hurtful comments a few times about it. We did plan it but maybe he felt stressed about it for some reason. He is crazy about our kids now though and is a great father. He is alot more involved and loving than I remember my dad being and I love that. I remember with my last 2 babies it took a few months for things to seem like they were back to normal after the pregnancies between us. But I think this was the first time I remember him rejecting me and using pictures of someone else to meet his needs, because I am sure that is what he was doing. Although he did seem to push me away with my other pregnancies, I never caught him doing that during my first 2 pregnancies but we also didn't have internet then. He did tell me the other day he wouldn't mind if put passwords for all the adult channels and the internet but I don't want him to feel like I am treating him like a baby but I think I will try it for a while. There are sites and channels I wouldn't want my kids to click on so I think we need those passwords anyway.

[texygirl]

I have never thought it could be a coping method for him but I think you may be right. We have 3 kids and with each pregnancy he has acted very distant, during each pregnancy he has seemed to push me away. The second wasn't as bad as the first or the third. With this last baby, he didn't seem too excited about the pregnancy, he actually made hurtful comments a few times about it. We did plan it but maybe he felt stressed about it for some reason. He is crazy about our kids now though and is a great father. He is alot more involved and loving than I remember my dad being and I love that. I remember with my last 2 babies it took a few months for things to seem like they were back to normal after the pregnancies between us. But I think this was the first time I remember him rejecting me and using pictures of someone else to meet his needs, because I am sure that is what he was doing. Although he did seem to push me away with my other pregnancies, I never caught him doing that during my first 2 pregnancies but we also didn't have internet then. He did tell me the other day he wouldn't mind if put passwords for all the adult channels and the internet but I don't want him to feel like I am treating him like a baby but I think I will try it for a while. There are sites and channels I wouldn't want my kids to click on so I think we need those passwords anyway.

[texygirl]

I have never thought it could be a coping method for him but I think you may be right. We have 3 kids and with each pregnancy he has acted very distant, during each pregnancy he has seemed to push me away. The second wasn't as bad as the first or the third. With this last baby, he didn't seem too excited about the pregnancy, he actually made hurtful comments a few times about it. We did plan it but maybe he felt stressed about it for some reason. He is crazy about our kids now though and is a great father. He is alot more involved and loving than I remember my dad being and I love that. I remember with my last 2 babies it took a few months for things to seem like they were back to normal after the pregnancies between us. But I think this was the first time I remember him rejecting me and using pictures of someone else to meet his needs, because I am sure that is what he was doing. Although he did seem to push me away with my other pregnancies, I never caught him doing that during my first 2 pregnancies but we also didn't have internet then. He did tell me the other day he wouldn't mind if put passwords for all the adult channels and the internet but I don't want him to feel like I am treating him like a baby but I think I will try it for a while. There are sites and channels I wouldn't want my kids to click on so I think we need those passwords anyway.

[texygirl]

I have never thought it could be a coping method for him but I think you may be right. We have 3 kids and with each pregnancy he has acted very distant, during each pregnancy he has seemed to push me away. The second wasn't as bad as the first or the third. With this last baby, he didn't seem too excited about the pregnancy, he actually made hurtful comments a few times about it. We did plan it but maybe he felt stressed about it for some reason. He is crazy about our kids now though and is a great father. He is alot more involved and loving than I remember my dad being and I love that. I remember with my last 2 babies it took a few months for things to seem like they were back to normal after the pregnancies between us. But I think this was the first time I remember him rejecting me and using pictures of someone else to meet his needs, because I am sure that is what he was doing. Although he did seem to push me away with my other pregnancies, I never caught him doing that during my first 2 pregnancies but we also didn't have internet then. He did tell me the other day he wouldn't mind if put passwords for all the adult channels and the internet but I don't want him to feel like I am treating him like a baby but I think I will try it for a while. There are sites and channels I wouldn't want my kids to click on so I think we need those passwords anyway.

[texygirl]

I have never thought it could be a coping method for him but I think you may be right. We have 3 kids and with each pregnancy he has acted very distant, during each pregnancy he has seemed to push me away. The second wasn't as bad as the first or the third. With this last baby, he didn't seem too excited about the pregnancy, he actually made hurtful comments a few times about it. We did plan it but maybe he felt stressed about it for some reason. He is crazy about our kids now though and is a great father. He is alot more involved and loving than I remember my dad being and I love that. I remember with my last 2 babies it took a few months for things to seem like they were back to normal after the pregnancies between us. But I think this was the first time I remember him rejecting me and using pictures of someone else to meet his needs, because I am sure that is what he was doing. Although he did seem to push me away with my other pregnancies, I never caught him doing that during my first 2 pregnancies but we also didn't have internet then. He did tell me the other day he wouldn't mind if put passwords for all the adult channels and the internet but I don't want him to feel like I am treating him like a baby but I think I will try it for a while. There are sites and channels I wouldn't want my kids to click on so I think we need those passwords anyway.

[texygirl]

I have never thought it could be a coping method for him but I think you may be right. We have 3 kids and with each pregnancy he has acted very distant, during each pregnancy he has seemed to push me away. The second wasn't as bad as the first or the third. With this last baby, he didn't seem too excited about the pregnancy, he actually made hurtful comments a few times about it. We did plan it but maybe he felt stressed about it for some reason. He is crazy about our kids now though and is a great father. He is alot more involved and loving than I remember my dad being and I love that. I remember with my last 2 babies it took a few months for things to seem like they were back to normal after the pregnancies between us. But I think this was the first time I remember him rejecting me and using pictures of someone else to meet his needs, because I am sure that is what he was doing. Although he did seem to push me away with my other pregnancies, I never caught him doing that during my first 2 pregnancies but we also didn't have internet then. He did tell me the other day he wouldn't mind if put passwords for all the adult channels and the internet but I don't want him to feel like I am treating him like a baby but I think I will try it for a while. There are sites and channels I wouldn't want my kids to click on so I think we need those passwords anyway.

[Guest]

He did tell me the other day he wouldn't mind if put passwords for all the adult channels and the internet but I don't want him to feel like I am treating him like a baby but I think I will try it for a while. 

 

You're not treating him like a child.  The General Authorities have given counsel through formal letters read at church meetings to do just that.  And in most cases only the mother should have the password.

[estradling75]

I have never thought it could be a coping method for him but I think you may be right. We have 3 kids and with each pregnancy he has acted very distant, during each pregnancy he has seemed to push me away. The second wasn't as bad as the first or the third. With this last baby, he didn't seem too excited about the pregnancy, he actually made hurtful comments a few times about it. We did plan it but maybe he felt stressed about it for some reason. He is crazy about our kids now though and is a great father. He is alot more involved and loving than I remember my dad being and I love that. I remember with my last 2 babies it took a few months for things to seem like they were back to normal after the pregnancies between us. But I think this was the first time I remember him rejecting me and using pictures of someone else to meet his needs, because I am sure that is what he was doing. Although he did seem to push me away with my other pregnancies, I never caught him doing that during my first 2 pregnancies but we also didn't have internet then. He did tell me the other day he wouldn't mind if put passwords for all the adult channels and the internet but I don't want him to feel like I am treating him like a baby but I think I will try it for a while. There are sites and channels I wouldn't want my kids to click on so I think we need those passwords anyway.

 

 

Coping was a guess on my part.. You are in a better position to know then I am.

 

If you were to unilaterally choose to put a password on to stop him you would be acting like his mother(like you are for your kids)

 

Him asking you to put and hold the password is you being a Help Meet for what he is trying to fix.  Same action but worlds of difference because he asked for it.

[Vort]

You're not treating him like a child.  The General Authorities have given counsel through formal letters read at church meetings to do just that.  And in most cases only the mother should have the password.

 

Reference, please?

[omegaseamaster75]

You're not treating him like a child.  The General Authorities have given counsel through formal letters read at church meetings to do just that.  And in most cases only the mother should have the password.

For your kids maybe, goodness he is a grown man unless he specifically asks for his wife to do this it is unwarranted.

[unixknight]

Locking out the cable and Internet with passwords is only a solution for little kids.  A grown adult will find porn when he wants it.  Period.  That's one of the things that makes it such a threat.  It's like trying to carry water in your bare hands.  Slow it down, maybe... but if someone in the home wants it in, it's getting in.  This ain't like keeping flies out of the apartment with a screen door.

 

Besides, that would only be a temporary solution at best.  Something's obviously going on inside the guy, and he's got to fix it the right way.  Porn is like a drug... and treating the addiction starts with acknowledging it for what it is.  He has to stop WANTING it, or at the very least, has to want to choose chastity over porn.  Then you won't need all the fancy passwords and filters.  (Although you might want to keep them around to avoid accidents.  It's insidious how many ways there are for porn to find its way into your computer when you aren't looking for it.)

 

Problem is, that means he has to take some initiative and WANT to fix this.  Until that happens, no amount of pressure will make things better.

[Guest]

Omega, Unix,

 

I'm repeating what was announced in our 5th Sunday meeting months ago.  I won't go into reasoning or justifications or lack thereof or its effectiveness or anything.  But if the GAs said it then there must be something to it.  And I'm not going to simply dismiss it as nonsense just because I know better.

 

To give an example of this line of reasoning:  When the Y2k bug was a big deal, my bishop announced that "we've been advised to unplug our computers before midnight."  I wondered who gave that advice.  And I even protested.  I was one of the few during that time that vocally declared that nothing would happen.  I believed everyone who thought otherwise was a fool, and I declared it so.

 

But I went and unplugged it anyway just because.  Why?  Why not?  

 

No, nothing happened because of Y2k.  But I know that because I decided to do that, I was blessed with a different attitude and with greater insights into the workings of God.  It seems like a simple and stupid thing.  But I had something change because of that decision that had nothing to do with its validity.

 

So, as to your arguments.  For the most part, I agree with them.  I can't see any logical errors or false assumptions, or factual misrepresentations.  But I'm still going to follow this simple, almost effortless, and perfectly reasonable advice whether it is valid or not.

Edited December 22, 2015 by Guest

[unixknight]

So, as to your arguments.  For the most part, I agree with them.  I can't see any logical errors or false assumptions, or factual misrepresentations.  But I'm still going to follow this simple, almost effortless, and perfectly reasonable advice whether it is valid or not.

 

By all means go ahead.  I just wouldn't want someone to have the expectation that this alone will solve the problem, or even make much difference. 

[Just_A_Guy]

He did tell me the other day he wouldn't mind if put passwords for all the adult channels and the internet but I don't want him to feel like I am treating him like a baby but I think I will try it for a while.

 

This is about as much of a request for help as you're going to get from him for a while.  Our church culture does not make it easy to confess to a porn issue; and even if it did--secrecy and a feeling that "I can handle this alone" are hallmarks of addictive thinking.

 

Install the filters--they aren't a perfect solution, but they're a start.  Also gently let him know that the status quo in your marriage is not okay, and you expect the issues to be fully addressed by priesthood leadership and (as appropriate) therapeutic intervention and/or addiction recovery groups.

 

You're at the beginning of a very long road.  Things can work out beautifully, but you're going to need some help.  Reach out now.

Edited December 22, 2015 by Just_A_Guy

[texygirl]

So i put passwords on movies and shows and told him I think we should stop watching R-rated movies and that we need to change. I said I think it would be good for both of us. He didn't get upset, just kind of laughed.

Today I went to the store and he stayed home with the kids. When I got back, I was looking at my tablet and saw he was viewing some site called Stunning MLB Wives. There were 28 pictures and each page had women dressed in bikinis or showing some cleavage. Now I don't consider something like that porn but don't understand why he clicked through 28 pages to see each woman. I mean I never click on sites where men are shirtless, it seriously doesn't interest me at all.

The last time I caught him in a bedroom looking at pictures not too much different but what made it worse was he had been rejecting me for months. Now he is not really rejecting me anymore, things are starting to get back to normal since my baby has been born little by little. And I know he was not in a bedroom this time because he was watching the kids.

Should this time bother me?

[texygirl]

So i put passwords on movies and shows and told him I think we should stop watching R-rated movies and that we need to change. I said I think it would be good for both of us. He didn't get upset, just kind of laughed.

Today I went to the store and he stayed home with the kids. When I got back, I was looking at my tablet and saw he was viewing some site called Stunning MLB Wives. There were 28 pictures and each page had women dressed in bikinis or showing some cleavage. Now I don't consider something like that porn but don't understand why he clicked through 28 pages to see each woman. I mean I never click on sites where men are shirtless, it seriously doesn't interest me at all.

The last time I caught him in a bedroom looking at pictures not too much different but what made it worse was he had been rejecting me for months. Now he is not really rejecting me anymore, things are starting to get back to normal since my baby has been born little by little. And I know he was not in a bedroom this time because he was watching the kids.

Should this time bother me?