Dad left church, now I'm completely thrown off and anxious

[strangesquirrel]

First I'll start off saying hi. I used this site several years ago on another account*. The layout is totally different, but at least I see some familiar "faces" around. 

 

Anyway I'll get to it. Background: I was raised Mormon, in an active family that regularly attended and basically did everything right. My life growing up wasn't exactly sunshine and rainbows, but whose is? Growing up, I was largely disinterested in the church. Everything made sense to me though, even if I didn't get overly emotional most of the time like others did. Going to church was boring though, so after completing seminary, I slowly became less and less active. By now, it's been a good few years since I've gone. I've been largely content with this. I still felt like I believed deep down, but I just didn't really care.

 

Fast forward a month or two ago. My dad tells me he no longer believes in the church. He said he spent the past three years trying to figure it out. I was surprised, because like I said, he was active - he did the whole two year mission thing, he was even bishop for a time. I didn't think much of it though. At first I was actually worried about my mom, because I figured that would be really hard on her.

 

For a little bit it was okay. But over the past couple weeks, I couldn't help but think about it myself. I always thought that people who fell away from the church just weren't doing the things you were supposed to be doing. Going to church, reading the scriptures, praying, following all the "rules" and recommendations and all that. I figured people just didn't try hard enough. The fact that someone I knew and respected had spent years trying to do everything right, and then concluding that he didn't believe - that has impacted me severely. To be fair, I'm not all that close to him, so maybe I can't really judge.

 

All I know is that I don't know what to believe, and that I've had a whole ton of new insights on life, death, and religion in general. I'm not talking about the LDS faith, or even Christianity - I mean faith in general. A belief that there's something out there. Is there something out there that directed the workings of the universe? Or is it all just a series of coincidences, science and all the forces of nature coming together, because if atoms smash together zillions of times, it can happen? I can see both sides. They both have their arguments. 

 

I've been pondering this for the past few weeks - and the thoughts terrify me. I can't figure out whether or not there's more to life or not, and the result is that I think about what if there isn't. What if this is the end? What if I die, and then there's nothing? I stop existing, and that's just the end? Death scares the hell out of me now. I want so badly for there to be more. I want to believe in something - anything.

 

One day in particular, I was so terrified I couldn't sleep, so I texted a friend of mine who was really religious (not LDS) and vented everything. She helped a bit, enough to ease my mind for a week or so.

 

But the thoughts returned. It's not pure terror anymore (still scary though, if I think about it too long) so I guess that's better, but instead it's constant obsessive thoughts. Every other thing I see, every other thing that happens, my thoughts go to how that thing factors into the argument of whether there's something more or not. Is it a good sign? No maybe not, it could be a bad sign, it could mean this, or that, etc. It's like a war raging in my head that I can't forget about. And I really wish I could.

 

I'll also say that the thoughts aren't all bad. I've found some motivation in this too, like living life to the fullest, etc. I can also look at the world and see how amazing and complex it is, and the miracle of life, and all that. So I have some hope. But it isn't enough. I'm largely pessimistic about this.

 

I know from my past churchgoings that the standard answers here are to pray, go to church, etc. Maybe I can work up to that. I'm still afraid that I'll go and just wind up debating in my mind the whole time being scared, or thinking that if I find something that I wanted to hear, that it's just confirmation bias (I'm fairly logical). Like that whole thing where you open your scriptures and look, you can find something that helps you. 

 

So instead what I'm asking here is for convincing. Help me believe. I want to be optimistic. Even if it's stupid to be optimistic. If there's nothing more to life and I die believing that there was, I won't have lost anything. I just don't want to be scared anymore. I want to ease my mind. So if anyone reading this has anything to say that can reassure me, even if it's just something small, I'd really appreciate it. Thanks for hearing me out either way.

 

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*If this is a problem, I apologize, I'm more than happy to message the mods with the old account if you want to make sure I'm not banned or something, I'm just paranoid about linking personal problems to that username since I've used it on other sites.

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

I always thought that people who fell away from the church just weren't doing the things you were supposed to be doing. Going to church, reading the scriptures, praying, following all the "rules" and recommendations and all that. I figured people just didn't try hard enough. The fact that someone I knew and respected had spent years trying to do everything right, and then concluding that he didn't believe - that has impacted me severely. 

 

A lot of people have that same misconception, but as you now understand, it simply isn't true.  People fall away from the church for all kinds of different reasons...and sometimes it is people who were previously "good and faithful".  

 

I'm sorry to hear about your father, but his journey isn't completed yet...he might still return.

 

So let's talk about you.  I could relate to a lot of what you said.  When I was 10 my "boyfriend" (whatever that means to 10 yr olds, LOL!) told me that he had Leukemia.  That is when I started wondering about death and being afraid of it.  Not surprisingly it is also when I started thinking about religion.  After investigating several churches, I found the LDS church and was baptized a couple years later.  

 

Fast forward 30 years or so, I had my trial of faith...I call it my spiritual earthquake because I felt like everything was flattened and I had to start from the bottom and rebuild.  When this happened, I was active in the church and trying to do "all the right things", but stuff happens.  

 

At one point, I found myself questioning whether or not God was real.  I had always thought so, but now I was not so sure.  John Bytheway, and Elder Uchtdorf have said, "Doubt your doubts, before you doubt your faith."  So I decided to try that.  I decided to give faith one more chance.  I remember thinking that I loved the idea of Christ...I mean a God coming down to earth to live as man, and then voluntarily give up his life in the most painful and humiliating way possible because of his LOVE for mankind and desire to save them....what a beautiful story.  I wanted it to be true.  I really wanted it.

 

I decided to "act as if . . . "  I would act as if the story were true (I wasn't entirely sure either way at that point).  So in that case, I would pray, read scriptures, attend church, obey the commandments etc.  And see if my faith would grow.  What did I have to lose? 

 

What do you have to lose?  

 

In the Book of Mormon, Alma compares faith to a seed and suggests we plant it and see if it grows (I'm paraphrasing, obviously).  That is what I did, and that is what I recommend for you as well.  My seed of faith grew into a beautiful plant of testimony (but I don't cry...I'm not a crier.  :) )  

 

Again what have you got to lose?  If it isn't true, you won't "convince" yourself that it is.  You will just be able to say, "I tried, but it didn't work out."  But if it is true....you deserve to know.  

 

Start with Christ and then build on that foundation.  First Christ, then the Book of Mormon and so forth.  

 

There is a peace in Christ that can be yours if you seek it, I promise. 

[NeedleinA]

Start with Christ and then build on that foundation.  First Christ, then the Book of Mormon and so forth.  

 

There is a peace in Christ that can be yours if you seek it, I promise. 

 

LiterateParakeet has shared some wonderful insight that I hope you will take to heart. There are many of us that once walked in your shoes but no longer do, SO there is hope and peace out there. 

 

I think at the moment you are juggling 1000 items at once. I would best describe it as being in the middle of the hurricane. Pieces of debris flying all around you at 100 miles per hour and you feel trapped in the middle. It is easy to get focused on the pieces of debris everywhere (your father, your own inactivity, your individual doubts, etc.). I would suggest like LP suggested focus on Christ. Stop trying to take ALL of your concerns at once. Stop looking sideways in the hurricane, but rather look up to calm and peace of the eye of the hurricane above you. Let the debris of doubt be in your peripheral vision only for a while and FOCUS on Christ. LP said and I will second it, "There is peace in Christ".

Edited December 28, 2015 by NeedleinA

[NeuroTypical]

Hi Strangesquirrel,

 

Doubt is good.  Lots of us start from a position of "I'm a good Mormon because my parents believe and I keep the commandments pretty well".  That's not really the foundation for a testimony though.

 

You need to figure out for yourself: Do you believe in God?  Jesus?  Do you believe the restoration was brought about by Christ through Joseph Smith?  I'm guessing you may not know if you believe that stuff or not.  Again - this is normal - we grow up just assuming, running off of the testimonies of others.  Then your dad's testimony disappears and it rocks your universe.  Totally understandable.  

 

A quote that helped me:

 

 

Doubt of the right kind -- that is, honest questioning -- leads to faith. Such doubt impels men to inquiry which always opens the door to truth. The scientist in his laboratory, the explorer in distant parts, the prayerful man upon his knees -- these and all inquirers like them find truth. They learn that some things are known, others are not. They cease to doubt. They settle down with the knowledge they possess to make the forces of nature do their bidding, knowing well that they will be victorious; and that more knowledge will come to them, if sought, to yield new power.

 

Widtsoe - "Evidences and Reconciliations"

 

 

You need to figure out what you believe, and why you believe it.  

 

God bless and good luck!

Edited December 28, 2015 by NeuroTypical

[Backroads]

I highly agree with starting from the basics. I has my issues about seven years ago, and deep prayer on the existence of God was my foundation.

[yjacket]

ss,

 

The first step is to have the desire to believe and you are on that path.  Faith is a choice-never forget that; we have to choose to believe.  I believe what you are seeing in your father is a fulfillment of what will occur before the 2nd coming; the scriptures say that men's hearts shall fail them.  I think it means not just having fear but that men will cease to believe.

 

A couple of favorite videos of mine:

https://www.lds.org/media-library/video/2011-11-020-mens-hearts-shall-fail-them?lang=eng

 

https://www.mormonchannel.org/watch/series/mormon-messages/the-hope-of-gods-light

[strangesquirrel]

I call it my spiritual earthquake because I felt like everything was flattened and I had to start from the bottom and rebuild.

 

Sounds like me. Absolutely everything has gone out the window. Maybe it's more like a tornado. Or a fire. 

 

Anyway I've doubted before, but nothing on this level. I've always tried to question everything, things I always "knew", but I guess I didn't realize how much my family impacted that.

 

It's really hard to believe. "If something's too good to be true, it probably is." The idea that there's a God, Jesus, and all that definitely seems like it's too good to be true. I'd really like to be proven wrong though.

 

Thanks for all the responses so far. I'll probably reread them dozens of times as I try to ease into this. 

[priesthoodpower]

Go back to church and ask Bishop for a calling, tell him you want to serve, even if its just chaperoning the young womens activity. Forgetting about your fears and doubts through Christ like service is the best way to "Find your self".

Edited December 29, 2015 by priesthoodpower

[The Folk Prophet]

For a little bit it was okay. But over the past couple weeks, I couldn't help but think about it myself. I always thought that people who fell away from the church just weren't doing the things you were supposed to be doing. Going to church, reading the scriptures, praying, following all the "rules" and recommendations and all that. I figured people just didn't try hard enough. The fact that someone I knew and respected had spent years trying to do everything right, and then concluding that he didn't believe - that has impacted me severely. To be fair, I'm not all that close to him, so maybe I can't really judge.

 

The bolded above is the reality.

[Guest]

Many people have too high an expectation on testimonies.  It seems that we get it into our heads that we must have a sure knowledge of things in order to proceed.  But that's not the way it works.  Faith must precede the miracle.  And we must do His will before we can know.

 

Faith is gradual.  It grows each day and each year until one day you look back on where you were and where you are and realize:

 

Hey! I've really had so many witnesses from the Spirit.  I really do know it's true!

[Capitalist_Oinker]

So instead what I'm asking here is for convincing. Help me believe. I want to be optimistic. Even if it's stupid to be optimistic. If there's nothing more to life and I die believing that there was, I won't have lost anything. I just don't want to be scared anymore. I want to ease my mind. So if anyone reading this has anything to say that can reassure me, even if it's just something small, I'd really appreciate it. Thanks for hearing me out either way.

 

Remember one thing. A testimony comes from the Spirit. It always has and always will. Anyone who claims they have lost their testimony can just as well say they have lost the Spirit. And if they have lost the Spirit it's because they have either quit doing those things they are supposed to do, or they have started doing those things they're not supposed to do. The Spirit is grieved, He withdraws, and so goes the testimony.

I know nothing about your father other than what little you have written. But I can confidently state that this applies to him, just as it applies to everyone else.

 

As for you, I would just offer the same advice the Savior offered when confronted by skeptics.

"If any man will do his will, he shall know of the doctrine, whether it be of God, or whether I speak of myself." (John 7-17)

 

The natural man wants proof before he will act. With few exceptions, God's way is to require action before He provides the proof. (Take one step into the dark, THEN you will see the light.)

If you really want to know, then "do his will", and in God’s own time you will come to "know the doctrine".