Family Anecdotes

[Guest]

I'd like to invite anyone to share funny anecdotes from their family.

 

My daughter was 3 or 4, my son was 2 or 3 and still potty-training.  Daughter was brushing her teeth in the bathroom.  Son came running in as fast as he could and... Daughter tossed her hair and reprimanded him saying,"You're not supposed to do that while I'm in here!  It's in-a-pwo-pwi-ate."(inappropriate) -- She was BORN modest.

 

Kids had gathered together for "snack night".  I came to the table fairly late, finishing up some work.  I got there and noticed all the chicken nugget dinosaurs had been eaten.  I said,"Oh, man, the dinosaurs are all gone!"

 

Daughter says, "Uhmm, Dad... that's not really news to anyone else.  How long have you been gone anyway?"

 

Son1 and I are in the kitchen having a late snack.  Son2 comes in woken up by our racket. "Why do you guys have to make so much noise?"

 

Son1 says,"Because if we were any quieter, you wouldn't know we were here."

Edited January 8, 2016 by Guest

[Guest]

Whoa... I remember a thread by Dr. T.  Wait, was it in this forum?  I think so...  Where's Dr. T?

He had this thread of really fun kid stuff.

 

 

Anyway, here's my contribution.  Back in the day when TV was not as sophisticated as it was now, a TV channel would sometimes go offline showing only "snow" on the screen.  This happened once when I was a little kid and I told my mother, hmm, I think the TV station had a blackout (no electricity).  My mother then said, hmm, maybe we have a blackout too.  So I ran to the light switch to turn it on to check.... my mom laughed so hard - she knew I would fall for the trick - the TV was, of course, still on showing the "snow" on the screen.

[Just_A_Guy]

My two daughters had a doctor's appointment where both were due to get vaccinations. My oldest, then aged 4, made a huge scene about it--lots of weeping, wailing, and gnashing of teeth. Her sister, aged 2, looked on--clearly horror-stricken.

In exasperation, finally I exclaimed "[Just_A_Kid], this is just silly. Now, stop your screaming and tell your sister it's not that bad!!"

Without missing a beat, she howled "It is that bad, [Just_A_Kid #2], it IS that bad!!!!"

Edited January 8, 2016 by Just_A_Guy

[pam]

I think I may have told this story before a long time ago here on the forums but here it is again anyway.

When my son was about 6 or 7 we were on vacation and driving through Arizona.

He started talking about all the cacti he was seeing.

We drove a few miles down the road and he saw a memorial with flowers.  He asked what that was for so I explained that someone probably died right there and people place flowers to show they love and miss them.

He was silent as we drove a few more miles.

He finally said, "Mom I think whoever died back there was killed by a cactus."

[Connie]

JAG’s vaccination story put me in mind of one of ours. We were taking our two oldest to get vaccinated. The older one, like JAG’s, was not taking it well. “Weeping, wailing and gnashing of teeth” is a very apt description. When little brother’s turn came up, hubby and I were talking to him trying to distract him away from the needle. When he felt the first one his response was, “Ow, hey!” And then he went right on talking to us. The second one was the same. “Ow, hey!” That was it. We thought it was pretty funny. Stoic little guy.

 

When our oldest was just a little thing, she loved popsicles. She would call them “spockitas.” We would try to teach her how to say it correctly, and this is how it would go for a long time.  Us: “Say ‘pop’.”  Little one: “Pop.”  Us: “Say ‘sicle’.”  Little one:  “Sicle.”  Us: “Now say ‘popsicle.’”  Little one:  “Spockita!” We still laugh about that one.

[NeuroTypical]

I have two hams for daughters.  They also serve extra helpings of cheese with the ham.  The older daughter is more visual, communicating entire volumes of information with a raised eyebrow and a sarcastic clap.  The younger daughter is a developing thespian.

 

Anyway, I actually keep a running list of these:

 

--------------

Kid #2 and I have flu. KidTeenager wandered by.

Kid #2: "You and Mamma should go do something fun while Daddy and I die on the couch. Remember to bring us back something."

Daddy: "And dig our graves before you go, because we'll die here."

Kid #2: "And put the food in the graves. So we can eat it while we're dead."

 

----------------

 

Kid #2: "Goodbye cruel world. I'll be in my room, eating my candy and crying in the corner on my tablet."

 

----------------

 

Snuck up behind a kid.

"Daddy! Knock it off!"

"How did you know it was me?"

 

"Because I'm fabulous! And I know my Daddy!"

 

-------------

 

One kid announced we were all in a club, and demanded we come up with club names. In no particular order, here they are:

Squeaky

Chicken

Weener 

Bubbarella

Middle Distance 

NO!

Squirt 

ChubbyCheeks

 

------------------

 

So, we're trying a new family process: Suggestion box for what to do on Saturday, and the parents will look at them, go in the other room and talk, and decide on a plan. Here are the first suggestions:

* Five minutes to talk.

* Ten minutes?

* I like waffles :)

* Suggestion!!!

* I'm a prickly pear! :)

 

[Yes, they included the emoji on the suggestion cards.]

 

---------------------------

 

Just got a lecture from kid #2. Kitten is fierce, not fearless. Nobody is truly fearless.

[Guest]

Another..

 

My boys just played a new board game at a relative's house.  On the way home they asked if we could buy a copy for ourselves.  It was around Christmas, it would have made a good present.  But so often they play a game only one or two times and then forget about it.

 

"Well if we do get it I would really like it if you play it enough to make it worth it.  How much do you think you'd play with it if we spent the money on it?"

 

Son3: I'd play it 20 times a day until the world ends.

 

Son4: Dad, when the world ends, everybody's dead for the rest of their lives.

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

My 9 yr old recently informed me that he hopes to have two children, a boy and a girl. He even has named picked out for them: first and middle. They are nice names too.

Since he comes from a family of five children I asked if he was sure he didn't want five kids. Immediately he said, "Too much responsibility!"

Oh and he is going to be a comedian so he can work at night and spend time with his kids during the day.

By contrast, my 13 yr old says he wants to give his first son the middle name of Pineapple, and his first daughter the middle name Cheesecake.

[Vort]

Here's one that happened two days ago in the evening, while Vortling was playing with Legos.

 

Vort: Okay, kids, get scriptures. Time to read.

Vortling: Just a sec.*

Vort: NO! NOT "Just a sec"! Go get your scriptures! It's time to read. NO SECS!

[stunned silence while the children stare at me]

[hilarity ensues]

 

*In my defense, the kid ALWAYS says this. I could say, "The house is on fire! Hurry! Get out!" and his response would be, "Just a sec."

Edited January 9, 2016 by Vort

[Backroads]

We have compromising Doritos photos of my toddler. Eating Doritos on the potty, sneaking Doritos while naked...

[Guest]

Here's one that involved roommates.  That's sort of family.

 

Mike needed to use the restroom before he left for his brother's place.  But Dan was in there.  He had a reputation for taking a long time.  He had some digestive issues.  Mike declared, "Oh, heck, I'll just go at my brother's place."

 

A few hours later I was in bed ready to fall asleep.  Mike comes running in and needed to go again.  Knocked on the door,"Dan is that you?  You were in there when I left."

 

All the way in the bedroom I heard this and could not contain myself.  Our other roommate was laughing more at me and my reaction than either of the others.

[Sunday21]

My mother and her friend used to have a hobby. They visited 'open houses'. When you want to sell your home, you have an open house and perspective buyers come to take a look. The sign on the front lawn indicates that there is an open house and you are allowed to enter and look at the house. The owners go away for the day and a realtor looks after the house.

One day, my mother and her friend went to visit an open house. They were, as was their habit, making loud and unfair able comments about the home, the home owners and the home owner's taste in decor. In fact, my mother had her head in a kitchen cupboard checking out the cereal collection and was declaiming loudly when...the two ladies heard a voice, saying: "Ladies". The voice emanated from a large male figure wrapped in a bathrobe with bare feet. My mother remembers the feet because she never looked up to see the face. She and friend scuttled out that front door pretty rapidly. The open house sign on the lawn indicated that the open house was for the house next door.

Edited January 15, 2016 by Sunday21

[Guest]

My kid has been coughing for a couple days.  He woke up on the 3rd day without cough but with chest pains.  We were in the car and he tells me, Mom, I think I have lung cancer.  What if I have lung cancer?

 

I didn't want to laugh because he sounded so serious.  My dad died of lung cancer a few years ago and one of my uncles died with lung cancer right before New Years Day. So I told him, well, if you have lung cancer then we'll take you to the oncology center and you'll get some chemo.

 

And then he says, well, at least I won't have to do homework anymore.

 

To which I said (with mock seriousness), nuh-uh.  Lung cancer is not getting you out of homework.  Life does not stop just because you have lung cancer.

 

To which he says, that's right.  Never give up, never surrender!

[Guest]

Went through the family's group text to pull out these gems:

 

Mom (on the way to pick up kids from school):  I'm running late.

Kid #2:  Then don't run.  Drive!

 

 

------------------------------------------------------

 

Kid #1:  I have gray hair.  I'm either too wise or too stressed.  Maybe both.

Mom:  You're delusional.

Kid #1:  The girls in class were trying to pull it out.

Mom:  Hah!  The truth comes out.  They just want to play with your hair.

Kid #1:  I am just saying I have a gray hair!  You don't have to go off on a million tangents and not even believe the word of your son.

Mom:  Gandalf has lots of gray hair and still cute.

Kid #1:  Ugh.

Mom:  If you give me 10 cents, I'll pull it out.

(I used to ask them to find gray hairs on my head and pull it out and I gave them 10 cents).

Kid #1:  You owe me 10 cents for giving me another one.

 

 

------------------------------------------------------

 

While my husband and kids were at Scout Camp and I'm home by myself:

Mom:  I'm missing my boys.  Whatcha doing right now?

Kid #1:  Eating breakfast.  I stepped on a coral snake.

Mom:  Coral?  Black on yellow?

Kid #1:  Yep.

Mom:  Did you take a picture?

Kid #1:  No I didn't.  I was busy not getting bit.

Edited January 18, 2016 by anatess

[Guest]

Mrs. Carb first introduced me to the "Cameo Apple".  It was brand new that year so it was the original.  She was ecstatic about it. and wanted to share it with me.

Me: Sure I'll have an apple (inside: what is she going on about?  It's just an apple) <crunch> Oh, my gosh, this apple is so flavorful.  I've never had an apple like this.

Her: Uh-huh.

Son comes in: Hey can I have one? <crunch> Hm... I really like this apple it is really flavorful.

<<Uncontained Laughter>>

 

[slamjet]

I kind-of sort-of have one from last week...

I like to pull the rug out from under my kids so this past weekend I was having dinner with one of my daughters when she told me about her scheme to DJ a dance for her YSA ward (seems the Bishop said the ward couldn't afford renting a DJ).   As a part of her scheme, she asked if she can use my audio equipment to which I immediately answered "no, I don't let anyone, ANYONE borrow my equipment."  So, because she's my little girl, she easily roped me into her scheme.  In any case, I asked her what she thought I'd do if I witnessed some young man flirting or dancing too close to her?  She said I'd probably pound the dude.  My answer - "I wouldn't do a thing."  She stared at me for at least three minutes trying to figure out if I was really serious. 

[dahlia]

Two tech stories (I am the tech guru in my family)

1) Years ago, when Windows 3.1 roamed the earth, one of my sisters called me long distance for help with some trouble she was having. Nothing I suggested worked, and I finally said, "Maybe it's frozen."  My sister said, "Yeah, well it is cold in here."

2) My stepfather, an attorney and not entirely stupid, pulled me aside one day and said, "I can only ask you this. I don't want anyone to know I don't know... I've seen commercials on TV for banking on your computer. Tell me, how do you get the money out of the computer?"

 

[Guest]

So, 2 days ago some idiot went through our neighborhood and stole stuff from unlocked cars.  My car, of course, was one of them.  So, I told my son - they ransacked the glove compartment and the center console but they didn't take anything.  Even the car chargers were still there.  To which my son replied:  Tell the cops to look for a guy with a Samsung.

[Jane_Doe]

"But Mommy, I want to throw my toy's in the trash can!!  Why can't I?!  You're so mean!!!"  (My toddler, yesterday.... granted she used far few words).

[Guest]

Anatess:  You better clean your room or I'll post a picture of it on FB.

Anatess Jr:  Public shaming doesn't work anymore.  People these days are shameless.

[Guest]

I just heard my 4 y.o. singing 

Quote

We'll sing and we'll shout <tune change> as the armies of Helaman.

 

[anatess2]

My kids got their investment account when they turned 12 - they're completely in charge of it and so far they've done good (better than the almost 0% interest in a savings account that's for sure).  Lately, my husband has been doing a lot of short-term trading of ETFs and was telling my 12 -year-old to ride with him on his trades to which my son replied:

Dad, you know what the fastest way to become a millionaire?  Put 5 million dollars on day trading.

 

[Iggy]

15 minutes ago, anatess2 said:

My kids got their investment account when they turned 12 - they're completely in charge of it and so far they've done good (better than the almost 0% interest in a savings account that's for sure).  Lately, my husband has been doing a lot of short-term trading of ETFs and was telling my 12 -year-old to ride with him on his trades to which my son replied:

Dad, you know what the fastest way to become a millionaire?  Put 5 million dollars on day trading.

 

I absolutely love this.  He is oh so right!! All I know about Day Trading and investments is what my Hubby does - actually what he says, moans about when his investments don't grow.

[anatess2]

Same 12-year-old son today:  Mom, we need to stop by the Asian Market.

Me:  Why?

Son:  I need to buy those Ramen bowls.

Me:  Why?

Son:  I need to get used to eating them.

Me:  Why?

Son:  Because it is cheap and so I will be eating it through college unless I can find a good job.

Me:  You can always ask me for food money.

Son:  Nah.  That would be like getting food stamps.

 

Edited May 10, 2016 by anatess2

[NeuroTypical]

My 12 yr old is getting startlingly good at doing mic drops.  

If you're like I was last year, and don't know what a mic drop actually is, well, here.  Or even here.

 

I don't know why it's a thing, but it is.