How much would you support married children?


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I'm asking this on behalf of my mom, who has found herself in a personal quandary.

Brother returned from his mission a year ago and reconnected with his sweetheart. They decided to go to the same university and recently became engaged.

Here's the deal: my parents have been paying my brother's car insurance, tuition, and phone bill. They feel like they just can't stop just because he is getting married... yet, he's getting married.

How much have you supported married children, if any?

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Also an opinion, and unsolicited, but I hope you don't mind my saying that y'all are way too up in each other's business. You know way more about your family's finances than I'd ever want to know about anyone's.

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Guest LiterateParakeet

As a parent, this question intrigues me.  I agree with Pam, married children need to pay their own way.  And yet, I admit I would feel bad cutting him off suddenly as if he were being punished for being married.  But then, come to think of it I wouldn't be in that position because we make our kids pay for their own insurance and phone when they get them.  If they want to drive or have a phone, they have to take on the financial responsibility for these privileges as well.  This resulted in my two boys not driving until they were 18, :), and doing jobs with their dad to pay for their phones (from 16).  My daughter, on the other hand, got a job and a driver's license at 16.  

 

My advice to your mom, if she asked me, would be to sit your brother down and discuss this with him.  Explain that weaning him from this assistance is not a punishment for getting married, but simply the responsibilities one takes on as an adult.  Perhaps having him start paying his own phone bill now, insurance when he gets married, and assume school responsibility in about a year.  That will give him a little time to figure out if they can use grants, loans, work and go to school, or have his wife work etc.  

 

I strongly recommend your parents NOT continue to take care of these things after he gets married as that will set up a feeling of entitlement that will be unhealthy for your brother and his wife, and your parents...and almost certainly will hurt their relationship down the road.  

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We helped all four of our kids as they continued their education until they got married. Once they were engaged always told them that after the wedding they were on their own and welcome to the World we live in. If that sounds harsh it wasn't ...trust me it didn't sound like it may have here. My son still has his car on my insurance policy , he sends me money each month to pay for it.

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Also an opinion, and unsolicited, but I hope you don't mind my saying that y'all are way too up in each other's business. You know way more about your family's finances than I'd ever want to know about anyone's.

No mind. Rather wishing I wasn't being asked my opinion, but suddenly I seem to be a finance guru to my relatives as of late.

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I'm going to go against the grain with my opinion-- how much a parent supports and adult child should NOT be related to martial status, but instead age of the child.

 

If a parent says: we're going to help our child with $X / mo for higher education (or something else) with the expectation that they stay in school, get good grades, live responsibly, etc.   One of the expectations should not be "and stay single".  

 

For example, if a set of parents plan on helping all their kids with college until age 23, a child should not be cut off because they were fortunate enough to find a spouse at age 21.  By the same token, a single child age 24 should be cut off, because it's time for them to grow up even if they haven't found a spouse yet.  

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So much goes into this question.  Family tradition and history, economic ability, age of children, responsibility of said children, etc.  Ironically, the more responsible an adult married child is the more likely I am to continue helping (and the less likely they are to need it).  I also wonder how much support the child receiving help will be giving the parents when they reach the age where they may be needing support?  That's the long answer.  The short one would be let the parents do whatever they want, unless the recipients are clearly and extensively taken advantage for bad purposes.

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No mind. Rather wishing I wasn't being asked my opinion, but suddenly I seem to be a finance guru to my relatives as of late.

 

I'm kind of the opposite.  Not because of me.  But my family, by comparison, is much more savvy.  Now that I'm away from them, many other people come to me for financial advice.

 

That said:

 

I was required to pay for my own insurance and most of my gas from the time I was 16.  

When I was 18 I was completely on my own except during my mission (parents paid 50%).  This was a black mark on me from my family.  All others paid their own way.

In college I was allowed to come home for holidays.  But I was at BYU (out of state) for college.  I was completely on my own.

 

This is how I was raised.  So, my opinion is: don't support them at all.

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I'm a college student myself, so I'd say keep on helping forever!  :lol:  :P  :lol:  :P  :lol:

 

Ok, seriously this time. I'm kinda with Jane_Doe here. If anything, getting married makes things a lot harder financially as it is, and (my opinion) probably shouldn't be in and of itself a reason to stop giving financial help. Growing up is a much better reason for that, so in a general case, maybe the phone bill and car insurance in particular should've been gone a while ago. But maybe your parents know something about him that I don't.

 

As far as tuition goes, I feel like there are solid arguments for and against helping students handle college expenses. From my admittedly limited perspective both are probably fine, but which one's better may depend on the situation of the parents and the child. In any case, what strikes me personally as less beneficial is conditioning that help specifically on being single.

 

I really like how my family has done it. They've helped me a little (or occasionally a lot) here and there, and they do it in such a way that I'm never expecting it or depending on it, and I get to handle the bulk of the expenses myself. They've made a very significant impact, but I was certainly never brought in on their cunning plans...Basically any help that comes is a not-so-surprising surprise. The feel of it is actually pretty similar to that of receiving blessings from God.  ^_^

Edited by Josiah
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 I was allowed to come home for holidays.

 

Ouch. 

 

 

If Faramir and I ever have money, we'll agree to pay for 50% of our kids' BAs. It never occurred to me to cut it off at a certain marital status or age, I guess. I do like Jane Doe's idea. 

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Not having grown up Mormon, I am not familiar with Mormon customs. I paid for all bills including medical since I was 14, medicines, glasses, didn't have a car till I was married and left my parents. My parents contributed very little to the wedding, a suit and about $30. In Canada parents are often far more generous to a daughter than to a son. You know what, although I was raised with very little help even for basic necessities like pens and paper since I was about 10, I am not in favor of putting young people in a position of desperation.It is hard to attend without books as students here often do. It is hard to do well in school if you are always hungry, as I was. Walking miles in the cold without a coat in winter, as I did, is unhealthy. Making the wrong kind of friends, as I did, because you need a ride or a meal, as I did, is risky. Also, for Mormon youth, delaying marriage, might not be a good choice.

Not having grown up Mormon, I am not familiar with Mormon customs. I paid for all bills including medical since I was 14, medicines, glasses, didn't have a car till I was married and left my parents. My parents contributed very little to the wedding, a suit and about $30. In Canada parents are often far more generous to a daughter than to a son. You know what, although I was raised with very little help even for basic necessities like pens and paper since I was about 10, I am not in favor of putting young people in a position of desperation when they are young. It is hard to attend without books as students here often do here. It is hard to do well in school if you are always hungry, as I was. Walking miles in the cold without a coat in winter, as I did, is unhealthy. Making the wrong kind of friends, as I did, because you need a ride or a meal, as I did, is risky. Also, for Mormon youth, delaying marriage, might not be a good choice.

Edited by Sunday21
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A lack of financial support can sometimes have the effect of reducing the age at which people marry. My sisters and I married pretty young as a survival strategy. We had fewer choices when young and got our educations with the help of our husbands. Our parents were not very interested in our welfare so we found husbands who could help us. This type of choice is not one you want your children to make.

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The way I was raised by my dad is the way we're raising our kids financially.

Here are the rules:

1.). You can live in the parent's house until you can afford to live on your own. Yor wife/husband can live here too. My house, my rules - doesn't matter how old you are.

2.). The youngest kid gets to take care of mom and dad. He also inherits the house.

3.). Parents will pay for college all the way through grad school as long as grades are excellent and there's a clear plan of completion. Doesn't matter if you get married or leave the house. (My dad offered to pay for 2 in-laws' college education - they both didn't take him up on the offer because they wanted to work rather than finish college).

4.). When you're still living in my house, we live as a commune. Your paycheck (and your spouse's paycheck) goes into the family pot to be included in the family budget. Your personal expenses gets paid through the family budget. Your personal fun money also comes from the family budget.

5.). When you leave the house, you're on your own.

Edited by anatess
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I am the only member in my family. The rest are atheists. I and my siblings took dangerous jobs and jobs that put us in dangerous situations to put ourselves through school, and I am including high school here. We were exposed to dangerous chemicals, dangerous people and dangerous situations. We were assaulted and sexually assaulted. Guess what? My mother is getting older and she needs help. I notice that there are clear limits as to what my siblings are prepared to do for her. One brother and one sister refuse to let her visit their homes - she is losing her marbles and thus is quite annoying to be with. What goes around comes around.

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Guest LiterateParakeet

I'm going to go against the grain with my opinion-- how much a parent supports and adult child should NOT be related to martial status, but instead age of the child.

 

If a parent says: we're going to help our child with $X / mo for higher education (or something else) with the expectation that they stay in school, get good grades, live responsibly, etc.   One of the expectations should not be "and stay single".  

 

For example, if a set of parents plan on helping all their kids with college until age 23, a child should not be cut off because they were fortunate enough to find a spouse at age 21.  By the same token, a single child age 24 should be cut off, because it's time for them to grow up even if they haven't found a spouse yet.  

 

 

I think Jane makes a good point here.  Yes, you too, Josiah.  It's really making me reconsider.

 

My husband and I both came from poor families who gave us very little help once we left the home (because they couldn't afford to).  As you might guess, neither of us went to college.  (We're both in school now...college roomies, LOL!)

I want something different for my children.  So far three of them have done a program here where they are able to start college as high school juniors and tuition is paid for by the school district.  They can get their AA basically for free this way.  So by the time they get married, they will be almost done with college.

 

But what about kids who do the traditional route (finishing high school and then missions then college).  Missionaries are highly encouraged to get married soon after getting home, and to not wait to start a family.  But how can young people with no education afford to get married and start a family unless they are fortunate enough to have help from their parents?  So I think Jane and Josiah are right.  I'm firm about kids paying their own cell phones and car insurance though!  

Edited by LiterateParakeet
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On Husband's side of the family there is a bit of drama regarding support. His brother, who also just returned from his mission, is living with his sister and her husband while attending college. The two are not paying tuition, but everything else including gifting him with some new gaming systems and other toys. But he's balking at house rules now, so... he might be on his own soon.

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Guest MormonGator

I will help my kids out as much as I can as long as I perceive they are generally responsible and making efforts to righteousness, etc. For are we not all beggars?

Yup. I've gotten help from my parents when I've needed it. I'm grateful they care enough to help. 

 

And no Folk Prophet isn't my Dad. He's grateful for that as well. 

Edited by MormonGator
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My eldest son is getting married in February and just returned from his mission in March of last year. I will continue to pay for car insurance, cell phone, tuition and I give him about $600.00 per month while he is in school. 

 

I do not want him to graduate with college debt and he also works. So, until he graduates and goes onto grad school I will support him and his wife all that I can and will ween him off mom and dad's financial support as time passes.

 

(Note: If either of my sons started doing poorly in school or exhibiting behaviors that were less than honorable, they would find it difficult to get financial support from me.)

Edited by bytor2112
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Ok, seriously this time. I'm kinda with Jane_Doe here. If anything, getting married makes things a lot harder financially as it is,

Then you're doing it wrong. Getting married, is, financially speaking, taking on a roommate who shares more effectively in expenses than regular ones; two-car discount on the insurance, one bed, one set of sheets, laundry gets combined, etc. If you can't afford to get that roommate pregnant right away, then don't; I can't find any commandment to get knocked up on the honeymoon. I was married three years before my oldest was born; (and no, it wasn't from lack of sex, just normal precautions with less concern for the consequences if they failed) up until that point, it was much cheaper than two people living separately.

You also don't need as much room as a normal set of roommates; at least three couples that I know of have lived in the 550sf apartment I'm currently in. Just because the ring is on doesn't mean you need to buy all new toys right away. Plan around what you need, and let what you want happen as funds become available, same as being single.

As for the OP, I'd say if their original plan was to support him through college, lock in the amount before the wedding, and stick to that. It's no more than they were previously doing, and he should be able to stretch the amount a bit more effectively.

Edited by NightSG
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Getting married, is, financially speaking, taking on a roommate who shares more effectively in expenses than regular ones; 

 

I appraise the sentiment NightSG, but my experience kind of disagrees with you words here (which was a VERY rude awakening when I got married).

 

 


two-car discount on the insurance, one bed, one set of sheets, laundry gets combined, etc. If you can't afford to get that roommate pregnant right away, then don't; I can't find any commandment to get knocked up on the honeymoon. I was married three years before my oldest was born; (and no, it wasn't from lack of sex, just normal precautions with less concern for the consequences if they failed) up until that point, it was much cheaper than two people living separately.

 

The two-car discount on insurance is more expensive than the 5 car discount (i.e. having a shared policy with the extended family).    Furniture actually isn't an a regular expense (once it's bought, it's bought).  Washing 2 sets of clothes costs the same whether or not these people are married.  Likewise food for 2 costs the same whether or not you're married. 

 

 

 If you can't afford to get that roommate pregnant right away, then don't; I can't find any commandment to get knocked up on the honeymoon.

 

To this I say: Amen!

 

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