Update on Wanting to Leave Marriage


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 Many of you had read my post from earlier, and I really appreciate the advice. I told my husband I was going to seek counseling and talk to the bishop- and he was free to come along. It upset him and he thinks I'm going to turn the church against him, but again I invited him to come along if he wants to be involved.

I've been such on edge around him. When we were first married, I was much more affectionate. I appreciated him more, said nicer things, did more things for him, etc. And it's stopped. I can't say if it's because our son was born and all of my attention went toward him, or I simply decided I didn't want to put up with my husband anymore and turned off.

Before we were married, though he had a strong testimony as mentioned, he had a negative view toward women. He always made jokes about how women were less and how we only had roles in the bedroom and kitchen. I always assumed he was just joking around, though deep inside it hurt. I did confront him on this, and he assured me he didn't actually mean it. However, over the years, he's still managed to talk down to me from time to time. Calls me an airhead, calls me a dummy, etc. Even on the road, he's always convinced the "bad" driver is woman. He STILL talks about women being less than him. It was especially bad when he had that female, micromanaging boss. If he and I got into any disagreement, he'd yell at me and say, "I don't need another woman telling me what to do!"

He talks down to our toddler. Constantly calls him a bad boy. Calls him a retard. Calls him stupid. Calls him dumb. I always talk to him about how I don't feel comfortable about it, and he just shrugs if off and says, "he doesn't understand anyway." He doesn't see the whole picture. He doesn't get why it's important to not call him names at all. My son is going through his "mommy" phase, as well as his independence. Many times he doesn't want to be around his dad simply because he stresses him out. My husband takes personal offense to this, thus continuing down the cycle. On the other hand, they do have great days together at times. My son gives him kisses, runs to him, plays with him, and my husband can be very involved. 

Anyway, my husband told me yesterday he would be inactive if we divorced, as the church doesn't mean anything to him anymore. He also threatened to make sure he doesn't take our sons to church (I'm pregnant with another boy). This was during the middle of a fight, when I lost my temper after he spanked him in the shower.

I can't be around him anymore. He's negative, moody, and treats his family like he's better than us. Maybe I simply lost my interest in pleasing him because I finally snapped to his behavior. I have to ask him to do nice things for me. I have to ask him to help me out with things (which usually results in stomping around and loud sighs). I don't know, maybe it's unfair for me to expect him to be nice to me when I won't be nice in return. Maybe I'm being selfish by giving up on caring about him. I've become so mean to him. I resent him. I just feel at this point it's a waste of time and energy to be nice, as I'm certain he won't change in the way he treats me and my son. I'm hoping counseling can help, but I just don't know.

Thank you again for reading my concerns.

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If you recognize all those things in yourself, then work on changing yourself.  At this point you are a long ways away from calling it quits.  You need to be in a position where you can honestly look in the mirror, and say I have done all I can do  to change myself, my attitude, my treatment of others (all to the better).  If he can't react to those changes then it might be time to leave, maybe.  

 

Don't make the mistake of expecting him to change.  He was good enough to marry, good enough to make a baby with, and despite everything you chose to make another baby with him.  You have a deep obligation to him and your children to make it work. 

 

There must be something there otherwise you wouldn't have made 2 babies with this man.  

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He talks down to our toddler. Constantly calls him a bad boy. Calls him a retard. Calls him stupid. Calls him dumb. I always talk to him about how I don't feel comfortable about it, and he just shrugs if off and says, "he doesn't understand anyway." He doesn't see the whole picture. He doesn't get why it's important to not call him names at all.

This is a problem; he's not going to stop when the kids do understand, and that is going to cause them a lot of issues down the road.

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I'd love to encourage you to work on the marriage, and I do encourage to you to keep at this.

 

However...your toddler is an innocent party here. Generally speaking it's in his best interest for the marriage to stay together, but he also needs to be protected. You can't let your husband keep talking to your son like that. It doesn't help the problem, it doesn't extend the marriage. Don't say that talk makes you uncomfortable, let your husband know it's unacceptable.

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Guest LiterateParakeet

Perhaps a separation while you both get some counseling?

I imagine right now divorce is looking very tempting, and frankly I wouldn't blame you, BUT consider this...even if you divorce him he won't be out of your life. You might end up with shared custody of the boys....with them spending time with him without your protection.

Pray, fast, get a blessing, go to counseling (by yourself, together or both)...repeat.

I'm really sorry you have to deal with this.

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This man sounds like an unfit parent. I do not like the sound of this guy. Can you get a blessing or go to the temple? This guy sounds like an accident waiting to happen - an angry man.

Yet, despite this and "manipulative" as posted by another, the OP decided to stay with this "bad" man and make 2 babies.  

 

The OP declares"When we were first married, I was much more affectionate. I appreciated him more, said nicer things, did more things for him, etc. And it's stopped."

 

There is plenty of blame to go around here I think.  

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A two-year-old understands. Children understand so much more from a younger age than we are willing to see. 

 

Truth.

 

If you don't have children or aren't around them, you probably think little kids just aren't all that aware - but they are! I remember my daughter not even being a year old and reacting to my husband playfully tackling me. She'd get these big eyes and start rattling the bars of her crib very upset and wailing. After this had happened a few times, we knew the horseplay was just too much for her. No doubt children that are a couple years old and toddler age understand plenty! They may not comprehend big fancy words but they read and sense body language like experts. They know when they are loved.

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Alright, I'm caught up on the topic at hand.

 

It sounds like there's an overwhelming amount of dysfunction going on here, on your husband's side, and on your side. So your son is the victim here. I suppose it's one thing to choose to stick around and be belittled by a spouse, but the moment that crap starts on the children, you got to make a hard and fast decision in whether that's the life you want for them. Edit: I would also add to consider birth control in the future, if you plan to remain intimate with this man. It's simply not fair to bring children into toxic relationships like this.

Edited by Bini
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LRK99, for your son's sake, and for your spiritual side, even if your husband is negative with you, please be Christ-like in your behavior to your husband.  Whenever you choose to be unchristlike, the Spirit will leave.  How can you make the best decisions as to what to do for your family if you don't have the Spirit?  I'm glad you're going to visit with your Bishop.  I'm hoping he will be able to give you good counsel and advice.  I'm hoping you and your husband can turn your marriage around, where the two of you model good role behaviors for your children.  Your son sees and hears both of you.  Please be the type of wife to your husband (no matter how negative he is) that you would want your son's future spouse be to him.

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This man sounds like an unfit parent. 

 

While he might really be a bad person; I happen to believe that most people who we would categorize as "unfit" parents are really uneducated parents. A parent who lashes out and spanks in anger or says something hateful really wants control over their child's actions and rightly so-part of being a parent is in molding the child to exihibit certain behaviors.

 

A screaming parent wants their kids to obey them and generally they hate it-they say something like "I hate being so mean".  I say, you're not being mean enough; a mean parent means what they say, i.e. when I say "child go do xyz" child better go do xyz. Screaming happens because child doesn't do xyz, parent doesn't know how to get child to do xyz and so they then scream b/c they have lost control.

 

Rather than being unfit, I'd say uneducated. To the OP, it really, really sounds like you guys need some parenting classes. Please, please, please do so-the problems started when you had kids.  I'm going to give you some hard truth. Many of the problems started with kids-it's very obvious rather than being a wife-you stopped. So while you might still be married in fact, in practice you and your husband are divorced. You have let your children divorce you and your husband.  Wife always and forever 1st- mother 2nd.  John Rosemond-he will save your marriage.

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While he might really be a bad person; I happen to believe that most people who we would categorize as "unfit" parents are really uneducated parents.

That may be true, but what difference does it make, at this point, to the child(ren)?

Lehi

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I feel like I need to share some examples of how much children understand.

 

STORY 1:

My parents bought my brother a really complex toy for his birthday.  They tried to get him to play with it.  But he just sat there looking at them and looking at the toy.  They kept pointing to it and putting his hands on it.  He just pulled back and looked confused.

 

When he was almost thirty, he revealed the he remembered that incident and remembered thinking "why do they want me to touch that weird thing?"  He had assumed he must have been about four to remember something like that.  When my parents told him that it was at his first birthday, he was stunned.

 

STORY 2:

I remember (I don't want to gross anyone out) when my mother was nursing me.  I can only assume I was less than one year old.

 

STORY 3:

My oldest son was about 2 years old or less.  We had read scriptures daily since before he was born.  And we read with him even when he was taking nap.  

 

One day he was walking around and carrying a mini-quad.  Due to its size, he figured it belonged to him.  He walked into my office and sat down on the floor.  He could only speak maybe a dozen words.  He opened the scriptures and declared: "An it come a pass."  His first words were "mommie", "daddy", "shoe", "no", and "amen".

 

STORY 4: 

Same son.  A little younger.  Each week we got together to play RPGs with relatives.  Each week we had some kind of meal with everyone.  Each week we said a prayer while standing up.

 

One week, we were a little slow at gathering everyone together for prayer.  By the time we were choosing who would offer the blessing, my son had already folded his arms and bowed his head before we told him to.

Edited by Guest
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That may be true, but what difference does it make, at this point, to the child(ren)?

Lehi

Because people change, heaven knows I wish I had the first few years with my first kid back-I didn't call them names, but I did quite a bit that I wish I could change-but I learned and grew. 

 

And young children are quite malleable and forget real easy. If he gets educated now-the kid would never know and would never remember in 30 years. And while yes people can remember a few instances at a young age-it will only be one or two and you will never be able to figure out which one or two instances they will remember.  Just b/c a child understands more than we might think-doesn't mean they will actually retain that information into their adult life.

Edited by yjacket
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I can see his point... If the husband is willing to reform and be a good father, it would be better for the child in the long run than a broken home.

Even if the dad is a crappy dad it would be better in the long run than a broken home. Broken homes without fathers are absolutely devastating on society.

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I have to disagree with you there. Absent is better than abusive.

Neither you nor I are privy to what is actually going on-and the stats are quite clear absent a father figure is extremely detrimental to the overall well-being and health of a child.

 

If the tables were turned and a mother did this-how many people would say that it is better for there to be no mother in the home?

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"Abusive" is a loaded term and has been redefined into irrelevance. When wrongly speaking sharply at someone or grabbing an out-of-control child is defined as "abusive", the term ceases to have any useful meaning.

 

You don't think calling your child "stupid" and "retard" (don't even get me started on the usage of that word, at all) is abusive?

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