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I want to start out by saying that I love my husband and I know he loves me. There is too much anger and distrust in our marriage though and I need your advice. I have never done anything like this so I don't really know where to start...

My husband and I have been married for two years. Our lives are stressful as we both work full-time and go to school full-time. We try to date, but often times get wrapped up in our already difficult world. We are both very passionate, opinionated people and so we either love each other passionately or hate each other passionately. We are in this nasty cycle we can't break. He is very critical of what feels like everything (he was criticized a ton as a child so I think that is just the only way he knows how to talk) including me. The things he says are just little and generally well meant, but it is so frequent that I feel like I can't do a single thing right. I have become so defensive when I feel criticized that he says he feels like he is "walking on eggshells." I feel like I will never be able to please him and he frequent nagging. As time passes and we get more and more frustrated our fights get nastier. I get kind of passive aggressive. Recently, he has started swearing in our arguments and then saying really hurtful things and leaving me. I know we both share fault, but no matter what we have tried we have never been able to fix this one cyclical problem.

I know our marriage will last, but I don't want it to last like this. I am tired of feeling so hopeless and helpless. I used to be so confident and happy, but recently I feel like I am scared and depressed all the time instead. Help!

Edited by PP123
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You need to learn how to communicate with each other.  We expect others to take things the way we would understand them but it rarely works out that way.  You need some real heart to heart conversations without letting the emotions take over in a bad way.  Using email rather than face to face conversations can help with that but I think it may be good to see a marriage counselor before things get worse.  An impartial referee who can keep things from getting out of hand.  You say your marriage will last, but the direction you describe it heading it suggests that in the long time that may not be the case unless you change course, and its easier to do that now then later.

Both of you love each other, both of you are hurting, it's time to work together toward a common goal of a happy marriage.  You are not his enemy and he is not yours, but together your marriage does have an enemy.

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You seem like a perfect candidate for marriage counseling that will probably have a great chance of being successful.  It seems you both love each other and would like this marriage to work.  But you only lack personality and interpersonal relationship skills.  You have all the traits of a good marriage.  You just lack some knowledge and skills.

I'd say that would be a fantastic route for you.

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While you are waiting to get the marriage counseling set up, I suggest you get and read aloud together "Bonds that make us free" by C. Terry Warner.    If you are not starting the day with prayer and ending it with prayer accounting for your day, then I suggest you do that.   You might also consider whether you are each getting enough sleep and enough exercise (try having these discussions while you are jogging together?), both of which can have significant impact on the issues you raise.

You might also try introducing uplifting and peaceful music into your home.

Anger is usually a secondary emotion signaling pain, frustration or hurt.   But anger in a relationship, that results in yelling and intimidation and demeaning is abuse.   I'd suggest that you prepare a room in your home that has a lock with headphones and good music and something to keep you involved.  Retreat there whenever you are afraid of your dh's immediate behavior, until he has gotten himself under control.   If he hits you, or throws something directly at you report it immediately and have him arrested ---- the evidence is that helps an otherwise good person to never do it again (it may also help those with substance abuse issues, if they remain in jail long enough to detox).     In some cases, parties need to separate for a time until the violent one(s) have individually learned enough skills and made enough changes so that both are safe.  

Don't wait to do something.   But don't get discouraged either.  What you describe is very fixable.

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20 hours ago, PP123 said:

I am tired of feeling so hopeless and helpless. I used to be so confident and happy, but recently I feel like I am scared and depressed all the time instead. Help!

Are you LDS, it doesn't say in your post? If so, are you both active?

Does your husband know your feelings from your post: hopeless, helpless, depressed and scared? 

Have you specifically shared those feelings with him? Does he realize this fighting is causing you this pain?

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