Death by Suicide -- How to Respond


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“Death by suicide.” The phrase conjures painful memories for many. A parent, sibling, spouse, friend, colleague takes their life. Now we struggle through that particular holiday each year. A healthy support we can offer survivors is to “bear one another’s burdens.” Most often that is expressed by extensive listening, and by refraining from speaking.

 

Those who embrace spirituality can find suicide even more troubling. How will God judge my loved one? Will I see him/her on the other side? An answer I find freeing is that God is ultimate goodness and justice. He will do right by our loved ones. I do not need to know how that will look. I trust God.

 

A few may struggle with a niggling thought—maybe s/he was right. Perhaps their suffering is over. It may be that self-harm gets pushed from fleeting miserable contemplation to a ferocious temptation, in light of another’s death by suicide. To bolster our survivor instincts we Christians use our seasons of emotional health to meditate on verses like Romans 12:1:  I plead with you to give your bodies to God because of all he has done for you. Let them be a living and holy sacrifice—the kind he will find acceptable. Then, when we face the hardest self-destructive temptations we choose to live because our lives belong to God. In our worst times that has to be enough.

 

As professional helpers, we clergy do well to ally ourselves with trusted therapists and other mental health specialists. Likewise, most psychologists and counselors, regardless of personal faith allegiance, accept that their clients’ spirituality is a huge area of potential strength and health. It’s not about us, or our chosen fields of expertise. We support the well-being of those we serve.  

 

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I've never known anyone who killed themselves, but I have personally gone through Clinical Depression and at my lowest point I had a loaded .45 in my mouth. 

I'd like to think that mental health factors would be taken into consideration on the Day of Judgement, because I know from personal experience just how distorted one's perceptions and reasoning can become.  You don't MEAN to disobey God, it just really does seem like the best option at the time.

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Situation: We believe murder has an eternal impact on a soul's future.  We also believe that when someone is not responsible for their actions, they will not be held responsible for their actions.

LDS theology gives hope to the survivors through agency - our ability to choose and act.  There is a line.  On one side, we have our agency and can choose our actions.  On the other side of the line, we have no agency and are not responsible for our actions.  Sometimes, forces outside of our control can place us on the other side of the line.  Mental illness can rob us of our agency.  

Now, we humans have insufficient tools and imperfect ability to judge what side of the line someone who commits suicide was on.  We have hope, that a perfectly righteous God, using perfect tools, will see into the soul of the person who killed themselves, and see they weren't in their right mind, that their agency was missing, that they are not responsible for the sin of killing themselves.  

We don't know one way or the other.  But we can have hope, and any mortal who attempts to remove this hope from us, is judging unrighteously, because they don't have the tools to know one way or the other.  Such judgment God reserves for Himself, and for good reason, because who else can judge righteously here?

Edited by NeuroTypical
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Guest MormonGator
1 hour ago, unixknight said:

I've never known anyone who killed themselves, but I have personally gone through Clinical Depression and at my lowest point I had a loaded .45 in my mouth. 

 

 I think I speak for everyone when I say praise GOD you didn't do it. So sorry you were at that point. 

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Thanks... Let me tell you gun oil is not a pleasant flavor ;)

What stopped me was that I couldn't bear the thought of my kids finding me... And in that moment of lucidity I decided to get some help.  I went through some counseling and medication for a while, but I've been free and clear of it for 12 years now and back to loving life.

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Guest MormonGator
8 minutes ago, unixknight said:

Thanks... Let me tell you gun oil is not a pleasant flavor ;)

What stopped me was that I couldn't bear the thought of my kids finding me... And in that moment of lucidity I decided to get some help.  I went through some counseling and medication for a while, but I've been free and clear of it for 12 years now and back to loving life.

That's truly wonderful to hear. I've always been uncomfortable when people bash anti-depressants and counseling. They help so many people! 

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I'm glad you're still here too, Unix.  People who have survived serious attempts, tell of such unbearable pain, that every other consideration has been pushed out, and the only thing that can be thought about, is alleviating the pain. 

Professor Dan Peterson shared an experience - I wish I could find the link.  He had an adverse reaction to some pain medication he was taking.  Horrible anxiety began to build, an urgency he couldn't explain, he felt like he was going to burst if he didn't do something, but he didn't know what "something" looked like, but possible "somethings" started occurring to him, which scared him.  As the pressure to act mounted, he began to panic.  The urgency to act became almost unstoppable.  He worried the heck out of his wife, who contacted a nearby doctor, who figured out the issue and they got it fixed pretty quickly.  Within a few hours things were fine.  He talks about how the experience gave him empathy with folks who attempt or commit suicide that he never had before.

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I thought it was worth sharing a comment by Elder McConkie:

 Suicide consists in the voluntary and intentional taking of one’s own life, particularly where the person involved is accountable and has a sound mind. … Persons subject to great stresses may lose control of themselves and become mentally clouded to the point that they are no longer accountable for their acts. Such are not to be condemned for taking their own lives. It should also be remembered that judgment is the Lord’s; he knows the thoughts, intents, and abilities of men; and he in his infinite wisdom will make all things right in due course.” 

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Guest MormonGator
13 minutes ago, NeedleinA said:

I thought it was worth sharing a comment by Elder McConkie:

 Suicide consists in the voluntary and intentional taking of one’s own life, particularly where the person involved is accountable and has a sound mind. … Persons subject to great stresses may lose control of themselves and become mentally clouded to the point that they are no longer accountable for their acts. Such are not to be condemned for taking their own lives. It should also be remembered that judgment is the Lord’s; he knows the thoughts, intents, and abilities of men; and he in his infinite wisdom will make all things right in due course.” 

 Love this. Growing up Catholic you are lectured all the time that suicide is an "unforgivable sin" when you try to point out that mental illness diminishes culpability in some cases, they basically ignore you. 

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One more from Elder Ballard:

"I feel that judgment for sin is not always as cut-and-dried as some of us seem to think. The Lord said, “Thou shalt not kill.” Does that mean that every person who kills will be condemned, no matter the circumstances? Civil law recognizes that there are gradations in this matter—from accidental manslaughter to self-defense to first-degree murder. I feel that the Lord also recognizes differences in intent and circumstances: Was the person who took his life mentally ill? Was he or she so deeply depressed as to be unbalanced or otherwise emotionally disturbed? Was the suicide a tragic, pitiful call for help that went unheeded too long or progressed faster than the victim intended? Did he or she somehow not understand the seriousness of the act? Was he or she suffering from a chemical imbalance that led to despair and a loss of self-control?

Obviously, we do not know the full circumstances surrounding every suicide. Only the Lord knows all the details, and he it is who will judge our actions here on earth."

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14 minutes ago, MormonGator said:

 Love this. Growing up Catholic you are lectured all the time that suicide is an "unforgivable sin" when you try to point out that mental illness diminishes culpability in some cases, they basically ignore you. 

That is too bad, and I beat of little consultation to the families.

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Guest MormonGator
7 minutes ago, NeedleinA said:

That is too bad, and I beat of little consultation to the families.

It is. To be clear, I have nothing but respect for Catholics and the church itself. I've even defended online against anti-catholics. I do find the church and it's parishioners way too legalistic. Almost to the point of pedantry. 

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19 minutes ago, MormonGator said:

 Love this. Growing up Catholic you are lectured all the time that suicide is an "unforgivable sin" when you try to point out that mental illness diminishes culpability in some cases, they basically ignore you. 

That was my experience as well.

To be fair, Catholicism is considerably more rigid and black & white than the LDS approach is, and that makes it terribly difficult sometimes to reconcile things.  When I'd get that sort of response to my questions I was very put off but in retrospect they probably just didn't know how to answer.  One of the things that attracted me to learn more about LDS was the openness and pragmatism.

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Guest MormonGator
13 minutes ago, unixknight said:

To be fair, Catholicism is considerably more rigid and black & white than the LDS approach is, and that makes it terribly difficult sometimes to reconcile things.  

Exactly, and that leads to being dogmatic and uncaring. Sure, I believe in a black and white, but I also believe that following the letter of the law 100% is just as bad as following the spirt of the law 100%. You either lose your compassion or your sense of justice. 

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My wife tells a cool story from a high-school band trip.  They were visiting a local Catholic cathedral, so of course she takes off and starts running down stairs and trying to get into trouble.  Someone (older guy, friendly, full collar, she doesn't remember the name or title) found her, and they talked deeply about religion for around 20-30 minutes.  Very respectful exchange - it had a big impact on her life.  He eventually told her Catholicism wasn't for her, she just needed to know too many things that Catholics just don't know.

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15 minutes ago, MormonGator said:

It is. To be clear, I have nothing but respect for Catholics and the church itself. I've even defended online against anti-catholics. I do find the church and it's parishioners way too legalistic. Almost to the point of pedantry. 

Wanted to chime in my agreement here as I too have huge respect for the Catholic Church.  I was Catholic for the first 26 years of my life and they gave me a good moral center and an understanding of Jesus Christ, even if it's different from the one I know now. 

But yeah, the rigidity does sometimes come across as callous.  I honestly don't believe it's meant to be, but again, sometimes it's hard to know what to say.

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Guest MormonGator
7 minutes ago, unixknight said:

Wanted to chime in my agreement here as I too have huge respect for the Catholic Church.  I was Catholic for the first 26 years of my life and they gave me a good moral center and an understanding of Jesus Christ, even if it's different from the one I know now. 

 

That's wonderfully said, actually. May I steal that? 

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2 hours ago, MormonGator said:

I've always been uncomfortable when people bash anti-depressants and counseling. They help so many people! 

I don't have a problem with some people using/needing medication and/or counseling.  But I just object to it being spread around like candy.

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7 minutes ago, Carborendum said:

I don't have a problem with some people using/needing medication and/or counseling.  But I just object to it being spread around like candy.

Not unlike "ADHD" and its associated Ritalin use. Both might be useful in some situations, one as a diagnosis and the other for a treatment, but both are widely used and misused.

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My 12-year-old grandson with Aspergers has admitted that he has tried to kill himself. He put a noose around his neck and tried to hang himself. This worries me to no end. When I've talked to him I have tried to explain the ramifications of suicide. He understands death, in some ways, that many children don't because his mother died when he was two months old. But, at the same time, I don't think he fully understands the finality of such an act. I want to be compassionate, but yet at the same time I want him to understand that if he is in full capacity of his senses, that this can be a sin--a dreadful sin.

Some of his actions is to get attention. He has had counseling. But, with his Aspergers he can get caught up with certain ideas and dwell on them. The incident with the noose and trying to hang himself was because his step-brother and him had a trivial altercation. It's so important to teach our youth that even though they may be going through a rough patch, it can be overcome, and life will get better.

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Guest MormonGator
17 minutes ago, Vort said:

Not unlike "ADHD" and its associated Ritalin use. Both might be useful in some situations, one as a diagnosis and the other for a treatment, but both are widely used and misused.

 It's interesting you mention that. First off, I agree with you (This time, you means Vort ;-) ). I want to say that upfront. Again, I agree it's misused and over diagnosed. 

Being in Generation X, I was among the first generation where little boys got Ritalin just for being little boys. Ritalin, however, worked for me. I went from a D student who always out in dreamland to an A student who was always out in dreamland. I took Ritalin from 6th grade on  to college and it worked wonders.  

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I was a functional depressive with ADHD (how's that).  One kid in my class had to take medicine.  I asked why.  He has a learning disability.  (This was many years before "learning disability" was a household term).  What learning disability?  He's hyperactive.  Why is that a learning disability?  Part of me was wondering because my family constantly told me I was "hyper", yet I got the best grades in school.  "It just is."  Was the response.

I was actually feeling gypped (thanks to Vort, I know how to spell that).  I was hyper.  I wanted to be smarter.  But I didn't get any meds.  What's the deal?

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22 minutes ago, Carborendum said:

feeling gypped 

I just learned now how to spell it too.;) So then I googled gypped to double check it. Article popped up to inform me it is a racist term. Boy, I can't win. 

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