Why is there a "crazy" switch with single adults in our faith?


Vagabond80
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First off.  I am a mid single and I love it, however this will be a question about eternal marriage.  I do not want this to come across as a bitter rant, because it isn't.  Noooooo, no, no.  The purpose of this topic is to gain insight and get some theraputic release into why mid singles who are in their mid thirties go straight up weird and desperate.  I'll elaborate.......For the past 11 years I have met a sizable amount of members at church, "the majority of whom are return missionaries, college graduates, and obviously active because I wouldn't have me them in the first place" who, starting right around age 28 begin expressing this sadness about not being married and begin to develop a deep, bitter regret about life.  This sadness has reduced full grown men to tears and turned other wise polite, timid, ermm "awkward" girls into raving lunatics.  I know that a temple marriage is one of the main goals every Mormon who's really a Mormon should aim for however why is it that they go straight up cray cray?  I have had girls every year for the past 7 years try to guilt trip me into dating them and ask me in public and online to marry them.  One time when I refused to be this girl's boyfriend she started to scream, cry and stomp her feet on the ground at a mall in plain view of everyone.  Just last year a friend of mine asked me to be her boyfriend in a McDonald's  and when I told her that I wanted to just remain friends, she broke down and sobbed in plain view of everyone for a whole hour.  That kicked off a 5 month-long, downhill slide that culminating with her going straight up psycho on me, shaming me on Facebook and an attempt to get me fired from my job. I'll spare you all the the details about the stuff others have actually said up on the pulpit (Fast Sundays) to try and get attention in some really, really poorly calculated attempt to appear adorkable because quirky is better than boring.... right?  I'm sure you've all seen your share.  I'm not trying to lampoon anyone but I just want some answers.  Answers to questions like, What is it about this whole being alone thing and even this whole getting old thing where seemingly normal people willingly transform themselves into human train wrecks???   What gets switched-on "or off" in the minds of people when they near the big 3-0 that they go completely nuts?  I am getting sick of dealing with it, and when I have talked about these experiences with others I get treated like there is something wrong with me for having had anything to do with these people.  And to think this all came about from me interacting with them because of my callings in church or just by sitting within 5 feet of them.   Also I am currently living in Honolulu, and from what I've heard my experiences are not just unique to the church... but it seems like there is a large number of slightly "off" people who come here.  Any insights, suggestions, or advice would be greatly appreciated.

Sincerely,

Horrified and confused.

 

Edited by Vagabond80
Typing too fast AGAIN.
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Because... feelings of constant rejection suck... and it will wear a person down...  If you are seeing it a about the thirty year mark then that would mean that person has been feeling rejected or not good enough for probably a decade or more.  When you look at it that way... more extreme reactions become understandable

 

And because having faith can be very hard... When you see your family and friend all moving on with their lives and gaining blessing you desperately desire... well it can be hard to exercise faith in the Lord's timing, when you see no end in sight

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You're in the church where Brigham Young is reputed to have said that a single man over the age of 30 wasn't worth the shot it would take to blow him to hell, and you're surprised that people nearing that point are sad and desperate?

You're in a church which teaches in D&C 131:

 16 Therefore, when they are out of the world they neither marry nor are given in marriage; but are appointed angels in heaven, which angels are ministering servants, to minister for those who are worthy of a far more, and an exceeding, and an eternal weight of glory.

 17 For these angels did not abide my law; therefore, they cannot be enlarged, but remain separately and singly, without exaltation, in their saved condition, to all eternity; and from henceforth are not gods, but are angels of God forever and ever.

...and you wonder why those with no prospects of marriage on the horizon are feeling sad and desperate?

The reality is simply that single women, at least (I can't speak for single men), over the age of 30 are treated very differently (and in a negative way) than married women (regardless of age) and widows (despite singlehood), particularly by their own age group.  Sometimes it's black and white, drastically different (if you really need it, I'll give you my example).

In recent years, the church (through GC talks, lessons, magazine articles, and the like) has made a noticeable effort to change people's behavior and attitudes toward singles, but it'll take generations (if ever) for the changes to work their way into people's lives.

That said, I've never witnessed events like you describe.  I consulted with a friend, and she hasn't either.  So at the very least, what you're describing isn't the norm.  I couldn't say how common it may or may not be.  Maybe there's something about you which triggers spontaneous public displays of overwhelming emotion... :P

 

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Guest MormonGator

In my single days I noticed that attitude matters a great deal. I am NOT describing the OP here-but if you are grouchy, cynical, nasty and unpleasant-welll no wonder you are single. 

Look, it's 2016 and no one nearing 30 should start planning a funeral and nursing homes. This isn't 1930 where you had to be married by 20 or it was all over. 

I actually know what you mean OP. I also observe that in religious societies there is an emphasis on early marriage. While it's a good thing in general, it's not always a good thing. I know of three people who married by early 20's and were divorced by late 20's. The wonderful LadyGator and I married young and then separated for a period. We got back together, but we are the exception. 

In my view, marrying later is a benefit because you have a better grasp of who you are. OP, take it as a positive. To be honest, I think your attitude needs a bit of tweaking (think positive. Don't call people "psycho". Also don't be so harsh to judge women.  ) but you seem like a great guy. 

 

Edited by MormonGator
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Why is there a "crazy" switch with single adults in our faith?  I have seen the crazy play out before. 

What I have observed:

1. One of the single adult wards in our Stake is notoriously full of the "crazies". Just picture a wild pack of female lioness going in circles, hunting, staking, all waiting for the loan male (return missionary/college grad) to come to the ward. They all fight like crazy because supply "seems" to be limited to one male. Sisters fight and fight over him. Competition breeds the "cray cray" in some people. Only one lioness wins and leaves all the rest even more desperate than before. This is an issue in our area because of a lack of "brethren". So... if you are a single brother looking for a wife, head on over here, presto, you will find one. 

2. When I was at BYU, I had an "old" single roommate, 30's. Good looking guy, had zero issue ever getting a date. However, had MAJOR issues getting a second date from anyone. He was so cray cray desperate to get married, he was basically proposing to everyone on his first dates. This spread through the ward very quickly and he ended up having to date outside of the ward. So, lesson from this... even if you are 'desperate/crazy", you better learn to hold it in or your going to scare away all potential mates and compound your problem even further. 

 

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Guest MormonGator
9 minutes ago, NeedleinA said:

Why is there a "crazy" switch with single adults in our faith?  I have seen the crazy play out before. 

What I have observed:

1. One of the single adult wards in our Stake is notoriously full of the "crazies". Just picture a wild pack of female lioness going in circles, hunting, staking, all waiting for the loan male (return missionary/college grad) to come to the ward. They all fight like crazy because supply "seems" to be limited to one male. Sisters fight and fight over him. Competition breeds the "cray cray" in some people. Only one lioness wins and leaves all the rest even more desperate than before. This is an issue in our area because of a lack of "brethren". So... if you are a single brother looking for a wife, head on over here, presto, you will find one. 

2. When I was at BYU, I had an "old" single roommate, 30's. Good looking guy, had zero issue ever getting a date. However, had MAJOR issues getting a second date from anyone. He was so cray cray desperate to get married, he was basically proposing to everyone on his first dates. This spread through the ward very quickly and he ended up having to date outside of the ward. So, lesson from this... even if you are 'desperate/crazy", you better learn to hold it in or your going to scare away all potential mates and compound your problem even further. 

 

Wow. Needle, I like both stories. Shows that crazy is in both genders. I was the opposite of that guy. LadyGator waited four years to get the question. Even that I thought was too short a time. I was just going to get her some Beanie Babies that Christmas! 

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I have been reminded snarkily by some of my leaders... "Brother... remember, the church is a hospital for the spiritually sick"....

I'm like great, so how did I end up in the Mental Ward.... which is literally what me and a friend used to refer to the Single's Branch as.... before she snapped and tried to put a curse on me.  Sometimes when I'm in the car listening to other guys approaching 35 talk about how badly they wish they were married, and how they have to get married.... I zone out and start to wonder how long it will be before I turn into one of them.  Its literally like that movie 28 days later... ANYBODY and can turn crazy on a moment's notice and you don't know if you're next.....  Its time I to go back to a Family Ward.  

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23 minutes ago, Vagabond80 said:

@ MormonGator             "(Don't call people "psycho". Also don't be so harsh to judge women.  )"

Did I mention that in the end she tried to cast a spell on me and she accused me to trying to put a curse on her?  I 

lol. No, you didn't mention that. Don't let this one girl taint your opinions about the female gender though. 

I've been lucky. Even though I was never the greatest boyfriend all my exes have treated me great afterwards. Sure, some assuredly wanted me dead-but they never spread lies or anything. 

Edited by MormonGator
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10 minutes ago, MormonGator said:

lol. No, you didn't mention that. Don't let this one girl taint your opinions about the female gender though. 

I've been lucky. Even though I was never the greatest boyfriend all my exes have treated me great afterwards. Sure, some assuredly wanted me dead-but they never spread lies or anything. 

Is that because everything was true so they didn't have to lie? :P

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16 minutes ago, Vagabond80 said:

Its time I to go back to a Family Ward.  

Sounds like it's long past time, and like you're living on another planet (than the one I'm living on).  Seriously, spells and curses?  (I'm not saying I doubt you, I'm saying it's time to run for your life...)

I'm not at all surprised by sad and desperate (and would err on the side of support for such emotions), but spells and curses are long past sad and desperate.

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8 minutes ago, pam said:

Is that because everything was true so they didn't have to lie? :P

LOL! Sadly, yes.

"The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about"-Oscar Wilde 

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Okay, just had lunch with my wife and we talked about this, her two thoughts:

1. She suggested part of the pressure of 30's for women is watching their "baby making years slipping past them". She said that by age 34 doctors label you "higher risk pregnancy". I don't know, just what I was told. If it is true, I could see this being a factor for women feeling pressure to get going. 

2. She also reminded me about a priesthood conference talk I shared with her from just a couple years ago. (can't find it right now). Basically part of it was, "We have a problem in the church, return missionaries are postponing marriage in the pursuit of school, career, toys (motorcycles, etc)". Perhaps, some of the sisters are simply finding out the reality of what the church was concerned over. Though there are worthy priesthood holders to marry, the brethren are actually postponing while the sister are not, thus making the sisters crazy?

Edited by NeedleinA
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Found it: 2011 Priesthood Gen.Conf. Pres Monson

" Now, I have thought a lot lately about you young men who are of an age to marry but who have not yet felt to do so. I see lovely young ladies who desire to be married and to raise families, and yet their opportunities are limited because so many young men are postponing marriage...

... Perhaps you are having a little too much fun being single, taking extravagant vacations, buying expensive cars and toys, and just generally enjoying the carefree life with your friends. I’ve encountered groups of you running around together, and I admit that I’ve wondered why you aren’t out with the young ladies. "

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As a mid-single?

I'm single because when I was growing up, stake leadership drummed "All young men must go on a mission, and any young man who does not go on a mission is not worthy to be a husband and father" into the heads of as many people as they could. 

I stayed home because my family needed help caring for a mentally ill relative. 

Sure enough, I never got a second look from anyone in the stake. I never went, and so I wasn't worthy. At most, I'd get stuck in the "friend" zone and that would be it. 

Am I bitter about that? Better believe it. I'm basically being punished because I decided to put others ahead of myself. I haven't had a date in 10+ years, and that was with a woman who was from another stake (things didn't work out due to an error on my part, unfortunately). At this point, I have better odds of a random anime girl coming out of my TV than of getting a real-life girlfriend who's in my age bracket. 

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Ironhold, 

    That sucks!  I know how it can be which is why I am grateful to my dad for never forcing me to go on a mission.... when I went I was old already "26", but I was ready and I wanted to be out there.   I saw how much the war cry to serve a mission was drummed into other kids from the States and in Latin America and it was tragic to hear how they were shunned if they ever went back early.   I am sorry you have been treated so badly and shunned because you did what you had to do.     Its true a mission is not for everyone... and I do not mean that in any quasi condescending way either.   A mission is not a one size fits all policy, and honestly you putting your family first was far more of a sacrifice than the grand majority of the kids who go out there ever give.   I can assure you, you would have lost it with some of those boys who messed around and threw attitude like you'd expect from a bunch of teenagers who are away from home for the first time.... I came close to fighting with so many of them.  At least you didn't develop over those two years a feeling of entitlement to marrying "one of those, hot blond-haired, blue-eyed girls from Utah." THAT'S a quote by the way.......   I do not know what kind of crack people are smoking to believe that serving a full time mission makes you marriage material when in reality it makes you very headstrong, opinionated and giddy over board games and disney songs.... eeeyuhk.  Besides, correct me if I'm wrong, but don't we currently have a first presidency where none of them ever served a full time mission.... USE that one as a come back.  

Edited by Vagabond80
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5 hours ago, Eowyn said:

Other people aren't going to let go of the fact that you didn't go on a mission until you do.

I keep trying to let it go.

People keep throwing it in my face. 

It doesn't matter that I was spreading the gospel online before LDS.org was even fully operational. It doesn't matter that I've dealt with ministers, writers, and journalists of all stripes (including some fairly big names). It doesn't matter that I'm an openly religious person in a field where there aren't a whole lot of openly religious people. I never wore a name tag, and so far too many people don't care about anything else I've done. 

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