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Not me

How do you get over the past sins of a SO

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I'm dating a girl right now and have been for about a month. Things have been for the most part good and we have a ton of similarities that surprised me. My problem is that well we both have pasts, hers is just a bit darker than mine. She was completely inactive for a few years and in the past few months has gotten back into the church. She has really good intentions but is taking things kind of slow in the repentance process. She hasn't gone to the bishop for the drinking, drugs, and sex of this inactive period. For me, I've never had sex but close i guess but I repented of all that. Now though it just gives me the worst feeling in the world whenever I hear of something shes done in the past. I get that nothing will make her a virgin again so if we got married then it would be my first time and not her but it is just so hard for me to get over. How could I deal with possibly being compared to or reminding her of past boys... I never thought I would be with someone with this history and even falling in love with them. I just would like some advice on how to get over something that is as big to me as this.

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Dear "Not Me",

Pray about it, I think the spirit will answer those questions pretty well, also, run this by your Bish. I love talking to the Bish, so I bug him about everything. 

 

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You get over it buy realizing that your feelings are based on selfishness and pride.  Instead of accepting her as she is you basically think you deserve better.  The Lord will forgive whom the Lord will forgive but for us it is required to forgive all... even more so a potential future spouse... So that is what you need to do...  The fact of the matter is while she sinned and needs to work that through with the Lord she has done nothing to you but be honest.

That being said, Repentance of selfishness and pride and learning to accept her as she is may not be something you are quite ready to do yet.

So you need to do some critical self evaluation and prayer...  Can you make the choice to recognize that what you are feeling is a "natural man" and that it is your responsibly to choose and act to reduce and remove that influence?  Or do you think you are somehow "justified" in your feelings? 

If you can choose to accept her for where she is then move forward.  If you are not ready for that... well that is understandable... so accept your weakness and work on it.  But in that case cut off the relationship with the young lady, because you are doing neither her nor you any favors by pursuing a relationship that you are not ready to handle, and will only end up making both you and her miserable. 

 

Edited by estradling75

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6 hours ago, Not me said:

Now though it just gives me the worst feeling in the world whenever I hear of something shes done in the past. I get that nothing will make her a virgin again so if we got married then it would be my first time and not her but it is just so hard for me to get over. How could I deal with possibly being compared to or reminding her of past boys... 

Not Me, this isn't a Mormon issue.  Regardless of whether she repents or not, how fully she repents - you have an issue.  You will need to find a way to get over this.  If you don't, you are bringing poison into the relationship. Her sins are for her to resolve, not you.  Your job here is either to stay with her or end the relationship and seek another.  Either way, the commandment is for you to forgive, and that doesn't hinge on her repentance. 

 

(SO = Significant Other)

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7 hours ago, Not me said:

I never thought I would be with someone with this history and even falling in love with them. I just would like some advice on how to get over something that is as big to me as this.

You didn't "fall in love" with her, you chose to love her.  It may have been a subconscious choice--but it was a choice.  Your feelings are a result of the time you chose to spend with her, the energy you chose to put into the relationship, the plans you chose to make for a future together, and the emotions that you chose to entertain and cultivate.

And, frankly, it's not fair to her to make her wait while you try to get over your insecurities about her past--a process that may take months or even years, if it's possible at all.  (And I don't use the term "your insecurities" pejoratively at all--they may well be justified; but that's what they are, and as long as they exist they're going to be a barrier to a healthy relationship with her.)

So, my advice--and it's going to sound harsh, but I think it will keep you both happier in the long run--is that you fall out of love with her; and fall in love with someone more compatible with your ideals of what you want in a spouse.

Edited by Just_A_Guy

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7 hours ago, Not me said:

I get that nothing will make her a virgin again so if we got married then it would be my first time and not her but it is just so hard for me to get over.

I'm closing in on 40, divorced, only been a member for 5 years, and had a lot of things in my past.  Obviously, anyone I meet isn't going to be my first, second, tenth...heck, I'm not sure I could count it up.  Not much chance I'll be her first either unless I end up with someone a lot younger than me.  I'm just looking for the right one so that we can be each other's last.  That's what counts in the end.

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I'm taken aback just a bit by the near-universal (what sounds to my ears like) condemnation for this young man's seeming callowness. Isn't that pretty much the definition of what it is to be a young man or woman?

My response is: You are allowed to choose or opt out of a serious relationship (before marriage) for any reason whatsoever. Skin color, hair style, candy bar preference, shaving habits, grammar or lack thereof, whether they have a certain level of education, money -- anything goes. If you don't like blondes, then for heaven's sake, do us all a huge favor and stay away from my daughter! Similarly, if this woman's sexual past bothers you enough to make you question being with her, then don't be with her. There is no shame in this. True, you may look back in 30 years with a completely different perspective and see that her past sexual experience was not the hurdle you thought it would be. But that's not today, that's 30 years from now. You don't live 30 years from now. So if it bothers you that much, break it off.

Will your reason be immature? Well, yes, it will. But pretty much any decision you make now will be "immature", because you are immature. That is not an insult; it is an observation, practically a definitional statement. So don't worry about "immaturity". Just make the best, most honest decision you can, and then stick with it.

Let me also add another thought: Sex changes you. It does. There is no way around that fact. And a man and a woman who share their first sexual experience with each other and within the bonds of marriage experience that change together. The idea that "Her sexual past Just Doesn't Matter" is, to be blunt, false. Of course it matters. It matters a great deal, just as much as her encounter with that chain saw fifteen years ago that ripped off her arm matters. But since you can no more restore her virginal state than you can regrow her arm, you have to accept her for who and what she is. Her sexual encounters have certainly affected her, and they will certainly have some sort of effect on her marital relations. But those encounters have not made her less a daughter of God, and they have not lessened the magnitude of who she might become or what she might accomplish. In the end, that is the important thing.

But again, we are not at the end. We are where we are. You have decisions to make right now, not when you're 50. So be as honest and humble as you can, make your decisions, and move forward.

Edited by Vort

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*Putting my admin hat on*

When people come to this site, especially those who are new, and ask for some thoughts, advice or suggestions let's do it in a kind way.  

I would like people to think this is a safe and comfortable place to ask their questions.  Not be condemned for them.

 

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57 minutes ago, Vort said:

The idea that "Her sexual past Just Doesn't Matter" is, to be blunt, false. Of course it matters. It matters a great deal,

Untrue. Her sexual past once things are cleared up should not matter one wit. Our small feeble human minds get hung up on trivial things. OK maybe if she was in porn and you can't walk down the street without people recognizing her.

 

58 minutes ago, Vort said:

those encounters have not made her less a daughter of God, and they have not lessened the magnitude of who she might become or what she might accomplish.

This is 100% true.

 

VORT make some valid points you are young, if you don't like something about her let her go and sooner rather than later. There are plenty of fish in the sea and you won't have to worry about their sexual past.

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59 minutes ago, omegaseamaster75 said:

Untrue.

OK maybe if she was in porn and you can't walk down the street without people recognizing her.

Untrue? You then disproved yourself by giving an example of it being possibly true...hum?

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Guest MormonGator

My friend, the heavens rejoice when a sinner repents. I'm proud of both of you for repenting and coming back into the church. 

Sometimes you have to accept that people make mistakes and have to find their own way back home. Don't rush her-she needs support more than anything. 

To me, it sounds like you are both doing great. Keep it up! 

5 hours ago, Carborendum said:

Forgive me, but what does SO stand for here?

Significant other. 

Edited by MormonGator

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4 hours ago, omegaseamaster75 said:

OK maybe if she was in porn and you can't walk down the street without people recognizing her.

Not really a problem.  It's nice to get the occasional thumbs up from a random stranger.

Was that my outside voice?  Uh...I mean...I'd assume it's like that.  Not that I'd know.

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You need to forgive her. She has confessed to you and I assume she acknowledges what she did was wrong and expressed her regret to you.  Don't hold it against her, don't EVER drag it up in a fight or use it to hurt her feelings, and don't look down on her as tainted in some way.  You are no better than her, you just have done different sins.  I know it can be hard get over something, but Christ's atonement isn't just about cleansing sin but also healing the sinner and those hurt by the sins of others.  Pray for Christ's atonement to help heal you.

You need to deal with your own insecurities as well.  Yeah, she was with other guys, but she also broke up with them and regrets having been with them.  Those other guys didn't love her enough to commit to her, couldn't bless her children when they get sick or provide priesthood leadership for her, and in the end they couldn't hang on to her.  As for sex, yeah you probably won't be as good right off the bat as somebody experienced, but you are going to be there longer than any of them right?  You can become the greatest lover she's ever had and it doesn't matter how you look or big any part of you is, it's about how happy, beautiful and desired you make her feel day after day.  She made a mistake and has some unpleasant memories from it.  Give her good memories day after day.

Do gently encourage her to talk with her Bishop, not so she can become 'worthy' of you, but for her own peace of mind and so the blessings of the temple can become available to her. 

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Not me...You say you have only been dating for 1 month and your struggling with some past sins she has told you about. She has really good intentions but is taking things kind of slow in the repentance process. She hasn't gone to the bishop for the drinking, drugs, and sex of this inactive period.

Why did she tell you all this? It places guilt on you if you don't forgive her. If you break it off, does that make you a bad person?

After just 1 month of dating, you should probably walk away. This sounds like a bit of manipulation on her part by asking for your forgiveness but not seeking forgiveness through the atonement of Jesus Christ.

Forgiving someone does not require you to pursue a relationship which may lead to marriage. None of us are without sin and can only become clean through the atonement.  

You can forgive and still move on.

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14 hours ago, omegaseamaster75 said:

Untrue. Her sexual past once things are cleared up should not matter one wit. Our small feeble human minds get hung up on trivial things. OK maybe if she was in porn and you can't walk down the street without people recognizing her.

I agree with you on this with one further caveat.  That after having a sexual history she's medically clean. I'm not sure that the recognition factor would even matter that much to me.  

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On April 1, 2016 at 2:18 AM, Not me said:

I'm dating a girl right now and have been for about a month. Things have been for the most part good and we have a ton of similarities that surprised me. My problem is that well we both have pasts, hers is just a bit darker than mine. She was completely inactive for a few years and in the past few months has gotten back into the church. She has really good intentions but is taking things kind of slow in the repentance process. She hasn't gone to the bishop for the drinking, drugs, and sex of this inactive period. For me, I've never had sex but close i guess but I repented of all that. Now though it just gives me the worst feeling in the world whenever I hear of something shes done in the past. I get that nothing will make her a virgin again so if we got married then it would be my first time and not her but it is just so hard for me to get over. How could I deal with possibly being compared to or reminding her of past boys... I never thought I would be with someone with this history and even falling in love with them. I just would like some advice on how to get over something that is as big to me as this.

Some thoughts I have on this. If you feel this way now, please don't think all your insecurities will disappear after marrying her. They could in fact intensify and put a real rift in the marriage. If you think she will never think of her past with other men, then think again. It is her history, and she most likely will compare you (no matter how much she tries not to). It could possibly be you will be compared in a positive light, but it is still a comparison simply because she has a history. This is not to put her in a negative light. Even someone who has been married before, divorced or is widowed, and has no need to repent, would have a history and could compare (again no matter how much they try not to).

I married a divorced man. He has tried his hardest not to compare me to his ex-wife, but he has told me that it is simply a fact of his life. He has had a past with someone else, and no matter how much he wishes he could erase the memories, they are still there. If you choose to marry this girl, you need to be secure enough in yourself that her past does not bother you. If you should meet one of her past boyfriends, how is this going to make you feel? Can you handle it? Are you secure enough to deal with it? If you cannot let her past stay in the past and not be bothered by it, then let her go.

One other thought on this. Some people (and it seems to be predominantly men) can develop retroactive jealousy. Look it up on the internet. It can be a real problem, and will destroy relationships. If you think you are in that category, then definitely let her go. It is very hard to overcome, and the jealous person is miserable and makes their loved one miserable too.

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10 hours ago, classylady said:

Some thoughts I have on this. If you feel this way now, please don't think all your insecurities will disappear after marrying her. They could in fact intensify and put a real rift in the marriage. If you think she will never think of her past with other men, then think again. It is her history, and she most likely will compare you (no matter how much she tries not to). It could possibly be you will be compared in a positive light, but it is still a comparison simply because she has a history. This is not to put her in a negative light. Even someone who has been married before, divorced or is widowed, and has no need to repent, would have a history and could compare (again no matter how much they try not to).

I married a divorced man. He has tried his hardest not to compare me to his ex-wife, but he has told me that it is simply a fact of his life. He has had a past with someone else, and no matter how much he wishes he could erase the memories, they are still there. If you choose to marry this girl, you need to be secure enough in yourself that her past does not bother you. If you should meet one of her past boyfriends, how is this going to make you feel? Can you handle it? Are you secure enough to deal with it? If you cannot let her past stay in the past and not be bothered by it, then let her go.

One other thought on this. Some people (and it seems to be predominantly men) can develop retroactive jealousy. Look it up on the internet. It can be a real problem, and will destroy relationships. If you think you are in that category, then definitely let her go. It is very hard to overcome, and the jealous person is miserable and makes their loved one miserable too.

I have to agree entirely with Classylady.  While your SO may fully and completely repent... repentance will not change her past, it simply allows for a much better future.  You need to be able to content with the idea that of all the people in her past she choose you to be with for time and all eternity (assuming of course you get there).

Being able to do so is a sign of maturely and wisdom.  Not being able to do so is a sign of immaturity and weakness, but don't let that be used against you to compel you into something you are not ready for.  For we all all immature and weak at some level or another, and everyone need to deal with such weakness over however long it might take us.

So you need to prayerfully seek answers to your own nature, of "can you handle an SO with a sexual past?"

If you find that your answer  "yes I can."  Then you can move forward.  If you find that your answer is "No I can't" then you need to add "Has no sexual history" to your list of non-negotiable traits for a future wife to have.

Now a lot of people might yell and scream that if you do this you are pushing someone again, for a sin that they have repented of... But that is simply not true, you are trying to make the best future possible for both of you, and sometimes that means not being together.

 

 

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You've done things too that she  is going to have to compare with others ---- that is an important reason that people choose to only do these things with the person they marry (including extensive kissing, for instance).   You are just thinking that her experience is more, but if the issue is comparison, that matters little.

You are smart to be concerned about who she is today, and by all means, wanting her repentance process to be complete is not unreasonable.   It probably means that for you, dating people who have completed the entire process makes more sense (though it might not calm your comparison issues).  Certainly it is hard to start a relationship until former relationships have been fully resolved, and that is hard to do with a sexual relationship without repentence if one believes what members of the church believe.

But you need to know that there are reasons for a member to "go slow" with the process other than rebellion.   It may not be faith rebellion.  It is more likely fear that she cannot keep the commandments, or that she has done something too big to be forgiven for, or the pain of presenting herself to men (when it was a man who took advantage of her ) for judgment.  Or something else.

  

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17 hours ago, Latter-Day Marriage said:

I disagree. The issue is not one of forgiveness, but one of being able to accept a person as she is. If you don't like something immutable about her, whether it's her weight, her race, her background, or her ancestry, then you shouldn't marry her.

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On 4/1/2016 at 2:18 AM, Not me said:

She ... is taking things kind of slow in the repentance process. She hasn't gone to the bishop for the drinking, drugs, and sex of this inactive period. 

This is why I'd be concerned and walk away.

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