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Not me

How do you get over the past sins of a SO

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16 hours ago, Vort said:

I disagree. The issue is not one of forgiveness, but one of being able to accept a person as she is. If you don't like something immutable about her, whether it's her weight, her race, her background, or her ancestry, then you shouldn't marry her.

Weight can't change?  What have I been exercising for, then? :(

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19 minutes ago, NightSG said:

Weight can't change?  What have I been exercising for, then? :(

You can change your weight... if you want...  But having the expectation that your spouse will change to be more to your liking in such an issue is asking for heartbreak and hard times

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for anyone going through something similar, i recently posted what i've learned from my own experiences: 

i just remember reading so many depressing stories online at that time (in 2011) and i want to make my positive experience available to more people.

Edited by acerola

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Dear Not Me,

The reality is that most people can enjoy physical relations with just about every other person of the opposite sex (and from your comments both of you have - the degree is unimportant). For young people, the idea that someone has been sexually involved with another is a struggle, just like you are experiencing. But older couples don't seem to fester over this as much when they re-marry and the reason is that they see it as a natural part of any close relationship and jealousy doesn't enter into the equation. How would divorced or widowed people ever re-marry if sexual exclusivity was an absolute requirement for marriage? I remember when Elder Oaks visited Philadelphia after his wife died. He was single and lonely by his own admission. He has since re-married and is very much in love with his new wife - and none of that diminishes his love for his previous spouse. Notice that love trumps sex. Sexual relations will be different with different people, but love in the relationship makes all those differences meaningless.

Let me be more frank if that does not help. Sex is a desire that is satisfied physically, but love is developed over time and experience and is satisfied by kindness and service. So you and the girl you love have satisfied your physical desires in the past - so what? She seems to love you now, and you seem to love her. The fact that another person has experienced sexual relations with another person in the past does not impair your ability to invest in loving her and to commit to her in an exclusive relationship. If all else in the relationship is good, I humbly suggest letting love bloom between you and her. Let go of the emptiness of your own doubts and investing in something spiritually wonderful.

Good luck my friend!

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For the OP if he is still around or anyone else who finds this thread with a similar question, Geoff Steurer tackles this question over at meridian magazine: http://ldsmag.com/your-hardest-family-question-my-wifes-past-haunts-me/

If I can suggest the two main points I see him make -- get less focused on performance and the resulting anxiety and simply learn to be present with your spouse in those moments. And seek out the things that are evidence that your spouse has chosen and continues to choose you over all of those past lovers.

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