Making things right again

[Rachel95]

I am new to this site but am in the need of a little advice. I am nowhere near perfect and know that I have made a lot of mistakes in the past but I know that I need to make some changes. About 6 months ago my (now ex) boyfriend came home early from his mission because of mistakes we made together. We had gone through the repentance process many times and I felt that we were always on the same page that it was important to be completely clean but of course being young and stupid we kept making mistakes. It was obviously the right thing to do  to come home since he hadn't fully repented but it had caused a lot of problems in our relationship. I struggle with depression now because of how awful I feel for ruining that experience for him and also hurting his family especially his mom. Things slowly got worse and we fought about anything and everything but it always ended up going back to my insecurities about him not being able to serve a mission anymore. Eventually he had to move away for school and decided that with all this fighting things would never get better. I don't blame him for wanting to end things since I have not been myself lately. I have been trying everything I can to stay positive and believe Heavenly Father will help us find each other again. I have talked to my bishop and am working on getting my patriarchal blessing and have been fulfilling my commandments the best I can. I know that Heavenly Father knows my pain and will help me get through this but I worry for my ex. I don't know if he's trying to deal with this situation the right way,he's forgotten his priesthood duties and when he left for school he stopped going to church and didn't seem to be the sweet honorable guy I fell in love with. He's been my best friend for the past four years and we were best friends long before we dated. I care about him and worry so much about how this experience is going to change him . We don't talk anymore but my feelings haven't changed. I love him and believe he makes me a better person. I don't want to lose hope or faith but I am so lost and confused on what to do.

[Connie]

Unless he requests otherwise, try to reach out as a friend. Set up an email correspondence or maybe (gasp) write a letter. Share with him gospel principles you are learning, how you are changing and growing. Don't delve into feelings at first. Just be a friend. Pray for him every day. If he won't allow any sort of contact, then prayer is probably the best you can do. You will need to give him space and time regardless. Keep working on deepening your understanding of the gospel.

[Guest MormonGator]

Just the fact that you want to make things right again means the world to Heavenly Father. It also shows very good on you. 

Connie gave some great advice. 
 

Keep on praying for him! 

[NeedleinA]

5 hours ago, Rachel95 said:

I struggle with depression now because of how awful I feel for ruining that experience for him and also hurting his family especially his mom.
I worry for my ex.
I care about him and worry so much...  
I am so lost and confused on what to do

I have been trying everything I can to stay positive and believe Heavenly Father will help us find each other again.

Forgetting the ex boyfriend for a moment, how are you these days?

Sounds like you are taking on a lot of blame and worrying yourself to the point of depression. Are you familiar with the instructions you get on airlines when you board? When it comes time for an emergency, loss of oxygen, place the oxygen mask on yourself first. Make sure you are safe and secure first. Once you are in a safe (spiritually healthy) place/setup, then worry about putting the oxygen mask on others. 

Have you put on your own oxygen mask, OR are you too worried about "him"? Why do you suppose they tell us to put on our own mask first? 

As far as "ruining" his mission. It takes two to tango. He is as much to blame, so don't try to carry that full burden by yourself unnecessarily. 
Also, part of putting on your own oxygen mask and stabilizing yourself, is coming to the realization that you may simply never "find each other again". This maybe extremely difficult to accept given your history, but allow yourself to accept this possibility. Nothing is set in stone either way, but the sooner you can accept the "possibility" the better. 

We all wish you the best, hang in there and keep doing what is right. 

 

Edited April 7, 2016 by NeedleinA

[yjacket]

Relationshipwise, that is between you, God and him.  Don't know about that but I do know the following:

While it takes 2 to tango in almost all LoC issues, each person's path to at-one-ment through repentance with God is individual. You are not to blame for him coming home early-you must banish that thought from your mind.  He and he alone is responsible. He had the full opportunity prior to leaving to set things right, he had multiple interviews with proper priesthood authorities prior to being set apart. Rather than fully confess and repent prior to being set apart, he choose to hide his sins.  You have no part in that -you cannot confess his sins for him, only he can do that.

Missionaries are taught that when they are set apart to "lock away their heart" and throw away the key for two years. A missionary's purpose for 2 years is one of complete self-sacrifice, one should for 2 years put aside all the things of the world and simply focus on bringing souls to Christ.

What is done is done; no amount of worry, stress or anxiety can change the past. Many times after such a traumatic flow of events, the best thing for all parties involved is separation. The saying "time heals all wounds" is very appropriate. Maybe if after a period of time wounds are healed then a renewed relationship can grow. If not, then simply have faith in God, use this as a learning experience so that the next relationship (whether it is renewed or not) is built on a sure foundation of true love rather than lust.  God bless.

[letmeoff]

On 6/4/2016 at 5:21 AM, Rachel95 said:

I am new to this site but am in the need of a little advice. I am nowhere near perfect and know that I have made a lot of mistakes in the past but I know that I need to make some changes. About 6 months ago my (now ex) boyfriend came home early from his mission because of mistakes we made together. We had gone through the repentance process many times and I felt that we were always on the same page that it was important to be completely clean but of course being young and stupid we kept making mistakes. It was obviously the right thing to do  to come home since he hadn't fully repented but it had caused a lot of problems in our relationship. I struggle with depression now because of how awful I feel for ruining that experience for him and also hurting his family especially his mom. Things slowly got worse and we fought about anything and everything but it always ended up going back to my insecurities about him not being able to serve a mission anymore. Eventually he had to move away for school and decided that with all this fighting things would never get better. I don't blame him for wanting to end things since I have not been myself lately. I have been trying everything I can to stay positive and believe Heavenly Father will help us find each other again. I have talked to my bishop and am working on getting my patriarchal blessing and have been fulfilling my commandments the best I can. I know that Heavenly Father knows my pain and will help me get through this but I worry for my ex. I don't know if he's trying to deal with this situation the right way,he's forgotten his priesthood duties and when he left for school he stopped going to church and didn't seem to be the sweet honorable guy I fell in love with. He's been my best friend for the past four years and we were best friends long before we dated. I care about him and worry so much about how this experience is going to change him . We don't talk anymore but my feelings haven't changed. I love him and believe he makes me a better person. I don't want to lose hope or faith but I am so lost and confused on what to do.

Come into the light daughter, it means to bare your soul.