I don't want a divorce


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My husband and I were both raised in the LDS church, we were married in the temple and have been active members our whole marriage. Now, almost 14 years later my husband has decided to divorce me. I do not want the divorce, but I cannot force him to stay. There is no major sin, no faith crisis, just his belief that we can never have true joy together. I have done some major introspection since he told me he is leaving and recognize that while we both have strong individual testimonies, we hardly ever prayed or studied scriptures as a couple and went to the temple together only a handful of times. Now, I am praying more fervently than ever before and going to the temple every week. My desire is that we begin doing these things together and seek to heal our marriage by applying the Atonement. But he is unwilling to do this.

 
I believe our communication problems and misunderstandings between us are partially impacted by his having a serious, diagnosed mood disorder that neither of us could fully understand. He was miserable and having suicidal thoughts, but says he has only had peace since coming to the decision to divorce.
 
We have four young children and I will be the primary caregiver after the divorce is final. I am wondering where the failure of my marriage leaves me. As I have not broken my covenants but am being divorced against my will (although I admit I was not a perfect spouse and should have been more loving, less critical, and should have put much more emphasis on building our spiritual connection) do I have any claim on the marital covenants I made and was faithful to? If I were never to remarry in this life, would I still have a chance to have that kind of union in the next life?
 
As a working, single mom, I will not likely be seeking a new companion any time soon. I have distant hopes that my soon-to-be-ex-husband and I will both continue to progress individually and maybe remarry in the future.
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How very, very sad. I don't know your circumstances, but I do feel that in general as a society we have seriously messed up our family priorities.

Society teaches that the fathers and mothers must be constantly involved in their children's lives. That if parents aren't taking kids to soccer practice, club meetings, etc. they are being a bad parent.  I have learned that it is really the opposite.  The absolute best thing a father and mother can do for their children is to make their relationship; the husband/wife relationship the #1 relationship.  Nothing in the family is more important then that relationship. Children should not be allowed to interrupt or come between the husband/wife relationship. The marriage existed prior to children and should exist after children and as such it should always be the #1 focus.

Too many husbands and too many wives put their role as husband/wife aside when children come and become father/mother 1st rather than husband/wife 1st. If a wife always puts on her role as wife 1st, i.e. her husbands needs are met prior to anyone else's needs and if a husband always puts his role as husband 1st (her needs are met before anyone else's) then there would be no need for divorce.

The challenge in the modern age is that many years ago, husbands implicitly understood what their role was (provider/leader/head) and wives implicitly understood their role (nurturer/supporter/heart) and today husbands and wives can't seem to figure out what their role is except that "love" will conquer all. When people don't know what their role is or when they compete on roles then everything just falls down.

I wish you the best of luck and use this as a learning experience. 

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So sorry for you going through this. It sounds to me like either he is not telling you something that is going on that makes him want the divorce, or his mood disorder is playing a big role in this.  If what he says is truthful and this isn't related to his mood disorder then normally that would be a marriage that could be restored by seeing a good marriage counselor.  Would he be willing to give it a try?  Healing the marriage would be a far better outcome for everybody than any kind of divorce.

I don't have some magic wand to make everything the way you would like, but I might be able to answer some questions on church policy (my calling gives me access to handbook1).  A legal divorce does not by itself cancel your being sealed for eternity.  A woman may only be sealed to one man, so if at some future time you remarry and wish to be sealed to your new husband, you would need to get your first sealing canceled which requires approval from the First Presidency (or you and your new husband can be sealed by proxy after you have both died without needing FP approval).  Your husband can not request a cancellation, but since he had a divorce if he wishes to be sealed to another woman he requires permission from the First Presidency to do so, even if you have obtained a cancellation, and even if you have died.  

So, you are sealed to him and he can't change that, only you can.  He might become sealed to another woman as well as you.  If both of you stay faithful and after this life both of you want to be together for eternity and if you don't get the sealing canceled, then you could be together for eternity (but that's a lot of ifs).

I would say fight for your marriage.  If this is from some mood issue then he'll regret doing this, if there is something going on he hasn't told you, you deserve to know the truth.  You both have a lot to lose here, don't let the shock of this make you just roll over and accept it without a fight.

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9 hours ago, Latter-Day Marriage said:

I would say fight for your marriage.  If this is from some mood issue then he'll regret doing this, if there is something going on he hasn't told you, you deserve to know the truth.  You both have a lot to lose here, don't let the shock of this make you just roll over and accept it without a fight.

First, thank you for your kindness and your thoughtful advice.

I have wanted to try marriage counseling at various times during our marriage, but he is against it. His dad was a marriage counselor and he doesn't have a lot of respect for him, so it's not something he believes could help.

I don't see how I can "fight" him on this. He is very aware that I do not believe divorce is the answer, but this is a decision he has made and is determined to see through. When I bring up anything to do with staying together and working on the marriage, he shuts down. It is not healthy or productive.

I love him and am working on showing him my love and commitment in other ways, but I feel that letting him go is part of that. 

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I said fight for your marriage, I didn't say fight with your husband.  If he won't go for counseling, go alone.  If money is an issue the Bishop can use fast offering funds to help.  Ask him to come just once to give his side of things.  Your efforts to bring the spirit more into your life and into your home are a good thing to do.  Ultimately you are fighting Satan who doesn't want either of you to be happy. Fast and pray for a change of heart in him.  Do what you can to make sure he feels loved by you.  You can't and shouldn't use any kind of force or manipulation, but that doesn't mean you have to just take it without doing what you can. 

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I just want to point out that a Covenant is not a promise you make to your husband.  A Covenant is a promise you make to God.  In that Covenant, you promised to bring your husband (and your children) with you closer to Christ.  That's what it means to Love somebody.

So... your husband is not cooperating in your attempts to bring him with you closer to Christ.  That's ok.  That's his free agency.  But, it shouldn't cause you to give up... Endure to the end, remember?  He may be currently breaking his promise to God and is on the way to walking to the big and spacious building.... but that's his own covenant... that doesn't have to change yours.

I've said this plenty of times here on lds.net... Because of my promise to God in my marital covenant, if I ever wake up one day to find out my husband is a serial killer, it wouldn't change my marital covenant.  My promise to bring him with me closer to Christ remains the same.  I might have to hide the children and work to send him to jail... because, how else am I going to bring him closer to Christ but to make sure he doesn't commit any more atrocities first?  But, I will continue to love him and bring him to God even if the only thing I can do is tirelessly pray for his salvation.

So, in your case, you've identified part of the problem - the suspected mental health problem.  So... figure out how you can bring him closer to Christ knowing you have to deal with the mental health issue.  That's what it means to fight for your covenant.  It doesn't matter if he decides to divorce you - that's his free agency.  The divorce is simply a government paper.  It has nothing to do with your marital covenant you made at the Temple.  Only you and God can break that... and I can assure you, God won't break it and turn back on his promise.  You're the only one that can do that.   So, even when you're divorced, you can still fight for your marital covenant by working to bring him with you closer to Christ in whatever capacity he allows you to in his exercise of his free agency.

Good luck and hope this helps.

Edited by anatess2
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59 minutes ago, bethejoy said:

I don't see how I can "fight" him on this. He is very aware that I do not believe divorce is the answer, but this is a decision he has made and is determined to see through. When I bring up anything to do with staying together and working on the marriage, he shuts down. It is not healthy or productive.

I'm wondering - is he filing?  Is there moving out happening?  Or is he just stomping around saying he's getting a divorce, and not doing anything about it?

My thoughts and feelings echo the other posters here, but the practical side of this demands that I ask again - do you have a lawyer?  You need to get one.  As long as he's saying he will divorce you, you need to protect your children.  

"You're getting a lawyer?  I thought you wanted to work through things!"
"Sorry - I'm reacting to your statements that your mind is made up.  I need to protect our children."
[Hubby then proceeds to start doing whatever he does when you do something he doesn't like.]
"I'm sorry - you are telling me you will divorce me, I am protecting our children.  If your plans have not changed, how about you go to lds.net and go argue with the people there."

Edited by NeuroTypical
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I'm sorry to hear about your divorce. It sounds like you are doing all you can. As people have said, your covenant is with God, so you are not breaking that and have nothing to be ashamed of.

It sounds to me like your husband is trying to escape his problems. If so, then I'm afraid his current feeling of peace will be very temporary, because his problems will return, and then he won't even have the blessing of marriage either.

I think you are wise to realize you can't force your husband to do what's right. You can only keep trying, yourself.

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Guest LiterateParakeet

Bethejoy,

I'm so sorry you are going through this.  Sometimes things in this life are simply not fair.   First, I agree with Latter Day Marriage, I think this is either part of his mood disorder or there is something else going on here.  The something else I would guess is some sort of sin...adultery, pornography, or possibly a desire to act on homosexual desires.   

That was depressing so I'll share a couple real-life scenarios I've seen that are encouraging.  First, I've known a couple couples who got divorced and later remarried.  One of them was my mother-in-law.  She married her second husband twice.  Another friend of mine faced a situation to yours...she thought her marriage was fine until one day her husband (an ex-Bishop) announced that he wanted a divorce.  (He was having an affair.)  She was devastated, and left to raise the kids.  Later she remarried a good man, who was also divorced.  They are still married and very happy.  

So my suggestion to you is to continue what you are doing...praying, attending the temple, being the best person you can be.  If he proceeds with the divorce, I recommend you focus on your children (as you suggested).  As someone else said, only you can dissolve your sealing, so you don't need to lose sleep over that.  Some step-father situations are great (my sister's second husband has been better to her kids for 25 yrs than their own father) but some step-father situations are bad (I was sexually abused by my step-father, and I know many others who were as well...).  So let Heavenly Father take the lead on that one.  If it is His desire for you to remarry, He can put someone in your path and inspire you to pursue the opportunity.  Otherwise, just wait upon the Lord.

Again, I'm so sorry you are in this situation.  It really isn't fair, but the Lord can comfort and strengthen you and He will!

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I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who responded, both for your advice and the caring you have shown me. You have all given me good things to consider and I feel this is a safe place to work out some of my concerns. I am getting past the shock and grief of my husband's decision and am now functioning a little better. I am working hard on being a better wife and more in tune with the Spirit. And realizing that whether or not he goes through with the divorce, Christ can still make me whole and I will be the better for staying true to my covenants and trying to be loving and as Christlike as possible.

This is the most trying and painful experience I have ever imagined I would have to go through, but as President Hinckley said, everything will work out.

This week I have been trying to find ways to serve my husband and show him love, and I have been blessed with more peace and at least some positive interactions with my husband.

Many, many times this week I have had to stop myself from desperately begging him to change his mind and take me back. I know that is not the way to fix this. I am working on being more emotionally strong and relying on the Lord instead of on my husband.

We are supposed to have a talk tonight. I know he just wants to talk about logistics of getting the house ready to sell and preparing for the divorce (we're doing this on a weekly basis). Whenever I bring up that this is not what I want, he shuts down. I'm struggling with what to say to him in my very limited time I still have a chance to talk to him.

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Guest MormonGator
6 hours ago, bethejoy said:

 

I admire you so much for fighting for your marriage. So many people would just quit. Your husband is a very lucky man and I hope he smartens up soon. 

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On 17/04/2016 at 9:31 AM, bethejoy said:

My husband and I were both raised in the LDS church, we were married in the temple and have been active members our whole marriage. Now, almost 14 years later my husband has decided to divorce me. I do not want the divorce, but I cannot force him to stay. There is no major sin, no faith crisis, just his belief that we can never have true joy together. I have done some major introspection since he told me he is leaving and recognize that while we both have strong individual testimonies, we hardly ever prayed or studied scriptures as a couple and went to the temple together only a handful of times. Now, I am praying more fervently than ever before and going to the temple every week. My desire is that we begin doing these things together and seek to heal our marriage by applying the Atonement. But he is unwilling to do this.

 
I believe our communication problems and misunderstandings between us are partially impacted by his having a serious, diagnosed mood disorder that neither of us could fully understand. He was miserable and having suicidal thoughts, but says he has only had peace since coming to the decision to divorce.
 
We have four young children and I will be the primary caregiver after the divorce is final. I am wondering where the failure of my marriage leaves me. As I have not broken my covenants but am being divorced against my will (although I admit I was not a perfect spouse and should have been more loving, less critical, and should have put much more emphasis on building our spiritual connection) do I have any claim on the marital covenants I made and was faithful to? If I were never to remarry in this life, would I still have a chance to have that kind of union in the next life?
 
As a working, single mom, I will not likely be seeking a new companion any time soon. I have distant hopes that my soon-to-be-ex-husband and I will both continue to progress individually and maybe remarry in the future.

What's going on with love these days, huh? As if your spiritual growth has anything to with anyone but God.

Read that new testament passage about charity in Corinthians 13, I'm sure his actions are not emulating those precepts. So I've got to ask, why do you want to prove your equally spiritual, love is not a contest or a pay day lender.

He doesn't own your soul you know, no one does but life.

 

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I am not sure if I am fully understanding your comment, letmeoff, but I'm certainly not trying to prove my spirituality to anyone, much less my husband. But I know that if we had focused more on spiritual things together, it would have definitely strengthened our love for one another. A hard learned lesson for me. I still love him, but he is choosing not to love me anymore. If we ultimately end up divorced, I have begun to recognize that I can eventually work toward a new marital relationship with someone else.

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22 hours ago, bethejoy said:

I'm struggling with what to say to him in my very limited time I still have a chance to talk to him.

Well, first of all, understand that divorce doesn't mean you're done communicating with each other.  Unless you just refuse to get a lawyer and let him walk all over you and dissapear, there will be court-ordered visitation, child support, co-parenting issues.  

One lie a lot of folks who initiate divorces is, "I'll finally have them out of my hair and not need to deal with them any more."  Then they spend the next 20 years fighting with their ex over all the stuff they'd have to deal with if they stayed married, and then an extra pile of stuff caused by the divorce.

Again, if you refuse to get a lawyer and protect your and your children's rights, he may just disappear and never be seen again.  But if you get a lawyer, then you can stop thinking about every conversation as almost your last.

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All our conversations about the divorce have included our mutual desire to remain connected as respectful co-parents. We have talked about custody and child support. I don't have any expectations that he will disappear completely. He's proven to be a very responsible adult all the years I have known him.

He doesn't want to hash out anything connected with what went wrong in the marriage or how we might possibly fix it.

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3 minutes ago, bethejoy said:

He doesn't want to hash out anything connected with what went wrong in the marriage or how we might possibly fix it.

That is incredibly selfish and unfair.

Is there another woman? I know it's a painful possibility to consider, but given how he's acting, I would be surprised if there's not.

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3 minutes ago, bethejoy said:

He doesn't want to hash out anything connected with what went wrong in the marriage or how we might possibly fix it.

That is incredibly selfish and unfair.

Is there another woman? I know it's a painful possibility to consider, but given how he's acting, I would be surprised if there's not.          

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6 minutes ago, Eowyn said:

That is incredibly selfish and unfair.

Is there another woman? I know it's a painful possibility to consider, but given how he's acting, I would be surprised if there's not.

I keep getting this same sensation too. 

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I am going to reinforce @NeuroTypical advice.

Get a lawyer.

I realize you might think that getting a lawyer means you are giving up...  But that doesn't have to be what it means... It can mean that you are fighting for your marriage in a different way.

I say this for 2 reasons.  One is that your Husband might be suffering in part from "The grass is greener..." and second with the threat he has power to get what he wants from you he might be engaged in a power play.

If he is suffering from the "grass is greener..." then having a nice long talk with a divorce lawyer about how just how brown and desolate the aftermath of divorce can be might snap him back. 

If it is a power play then "taking the ball" and advancing faster then he is will cause him to stop... Probably with statements like "I thought you said you didn't want divorce"  In this case his issue isn't about divorce but about being in control...  which is a whole other set of issues to deal with.

And if it doesn't work...  well you tried, and now you have a better understanding of the legal issues you are going to face.  And being prepared is good even if what you are preparing for is not.

 

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I am going to reinforce @NeuroTypical advice.

Get a lawyer.

I realize you might think that getting a lawyer means you are giving up...  But that doesn't have to be what it means... It can mean that you are fighting for your marriage in a different way.

I say this for 2 reasons.  One is that your Husband might be suffering in part from "The grass is greener..." and second with the threat he has power to get what he wants from you he might be engaged in a power play.

If he is suffering from the "grass is greener..." then having a nice long talk with a divorce lawyer about how just how brown and desolate the aftermath of divorce can be might snap him back. 

If it is a power play then "taking the ball" and advancing faster then he is will cause him to stop... Probably with statements like "I thought you said you didn't want divorce"  In this case his issue isn't about divorce but about being in control...  which is a whole other set of issues to deal with.

And if it doesn't work...  well you tried, and now you have a better understanding of the legal issues you are going to face.  And being prepared is good even if what you are preparing for is not.

 

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On April 18, 2016 at 9:51 PM, Latter-Day Marriage said:

I don't have some magic wand to make everything the way you would like, but I might be able to answer some questions on church policy (my calling gives me access to handbook1).  A legal divorce does not by itself cancel your being sealed for eternity.  A woman may only be sealed to one man, so if at some future time you remarry and wish to be sealed to your new husband, you would need to get your first sealing canceled which requires approval from the First Presidency (or you and your new husband can be sealed by proxy after you have both died without needing FP approval).  Your husband can not request a cancellation, but since he had a divorce if he wishes to be sealed to another woman he requires permission from the First Presidency to do so, even if you have obtained a cancellation, and even if you have died.  

 

 Just an FYI, men may request a sealing cancellation from their ex, even if their ex hasn't gotten sealed to another man. My husband requested a sealing cancellation from his ex-wife, who has not been sealed to another husband, and it was granted by the First Presidency. In the past, it was much more difficult to get sealings cancelled, but the policy has changed to allow sealing cancellation requests from both men and women prior to the woman being sealed to another man.

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13 minutes ago, classylady said:

 Just an FYI, men may request a sealing cancellation from their ex, even if their ex hasn't gotten sealed to another man. My husband requested a sealing cancellation from his ex-wife, who has not been sealed to another husband, and it was granted by the First Presidency. In the past, it was much more difficult to get sealing cancelled, but the policy has changed to allow sealing cancellation requests from both men and women prior to the woman being sealed to another man.

That is not accurate.  A divorced man needs to request and get clearance from the First Presidency before he can be sealed to another woman, but that is not a cancellation of the first sealing.  He would be sealed to both women if he was given the OK and his first sealing was not canceled by his first wife.  This is the policy laid out in the current Handbook 1.

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