I don't want a divorce

[Latter-Day Marriage]

13 minutes ago, classylady said:

 Just an FYI, men may request a sealing cancellation from their ex, even if their ex hasn't gotten sealed to another man. My husband requested a sealing cancellation from his ex-wife, who has not been sealed to another husband, and it was granted by the First Presidency. In the past, it was much more difficult to get sealing cancelled, but the policy has changed to allow sealing cancellation requests from both men and women prior to the woman being sealed to another man.

That is not accurate.  A divorced man needs to request and get clearance from the First Presidency before he can be sealed to another woman, but that is not a cancellation of the first sealing.  He would be sealed to both women if he was given the OK and his first sealing was not canceled by his first wife.  This is the policy laid out in the current Handbook 1.

[classylady]

1 minute ago, Latter-Day Marriage said:

That is not accurate.  A divorced man needs to request and get clearance from the First Presidency before he can be sealed to another woman, but that is not a cancellation of the first sealing.  He would be sealed to both women if he was given the OK and his first sealing was not canceled by his first wife.  This is the policy laid out in the current Handbook 1.

A sealing cancellation is not the same thing as a sealing clearance. I was not talking about a sealing clearance. Sealing clearances are still needed for a divorced man to be sealed again. And, even if the sealing was cancelled, he still needs a sealing clearance to be sealed again. I was specifically talking about a sealing cancellation. It is much easier to obtain a sealing cancellation on the part of both men and women. My husband was granted a sealing cancellation from his ex-wife. He was the one who requested it, and it was granted. His ex-wife has not been sealed to another man. And, this had nothing to do with my husband and I getting sealed in the temple. That had already happened years ago.

[bethejoy]

19 hours ago, Eowyn said:

That is incredibly selfish and unfair.

Is there another woman? I know it's a painful possibility to consider, but given how he's acting, I would be surprised if there's not.

Well, I just found out that he is having an emotional affair with a married woman. He doesn't know I know, but it's obvious he is justifying things and doesn't think he's done anything wrong. Thinks there's something sacred about their friendship, etc. More than my personal hurt at his willingness to transfer his emotional intimacy from me to her while still married, I am worried about his soul and where this kind of justification will lead him down that slippery slope.

Confronting him about his actions would be very contentious I know, and I'm pretty certain since he already considers our marriage over, it's not likely he will care about the hurt it has caused or admit wrong-doing. So now, I'm just trying to decide if I should do anything with this information I have.

[NeuroTypical]

Beth - I know this is hard.  But you need to rise up and defend your children.  Please, for their sake, get a lawyer and protect them.  Consider what poverty will do to them.  Consider what you having to grab more than one job to support them, will do to them.  As you go through this process with your husband, you'll only learn more and more about why your husband is doing what he's doing, and none of it will be healing blessings to your marriage or your soul.

I'm not saying you need to divorce him.  I'm saying you need to protect your children.

Have you talked to the bishop about this?  If you haven't, go call his executive secretary right now and make an appointment.  After you fill him in on what's happening, ask him about the wisdom of getting a lawyer. 

Edited April 24, 2016 by NeuroTypical

[zil]

4 minutes ago, bethejoy said:

So now, I'm just trying to decide if I should do anything with this information I have.

Some will likely disagree with me, but allowing a person (two persons, in this case, if I understood correctly that she is also married) to continue in sin is not doing them any favors.  Were I in your situation, I would consult with my bishop, and I would be clear about the facts I know.  (Keep in mind, you're seeing through a lens - so try to stick to facts and not make assumptions about what those facts mean.)  Then I would let the bishop decide what to do about it, while I did the best I could to live the gospel.

[bethejoy]

I should clarify what I mean by emotional affair. He has been emailing this other woman and telling her he thinks they should be together sometime in the future, he talks to her about his philosophies on life and love, and he has gone to see her on at least one occasion (she lives an hour away). I do not have any evidence of them getting physical or even talking about those kinds of things. But he gave her chocolates on Valentine's Day and is secretive about their "friendship" (changed his passcode on his phone and closes his laptop whenever I come anywhere near).

[zil]

2 hours ago, bethejoy said:

I should clarify what I mean by emotional affair. He has been emailing this other woman and telling her he thinks they should be together sometime in the future, he talks to her about his philosophies on life and love, and he has gone to see her on at least one occasion (she lives an hour away). I do not have any evidence of them getting physical or even talking about those kinds of things. But he gave her chocolates on Valentine's Day and is secretive about their "friendship" (changed his passcode on his phone and closes his laptop whenever I come anywhere near).

From my understanding, that is not what the prophets call "complete fidelity in marriage".  I still think you should discuss with the bishop - it looks to me like a start, not the extent.

[Latter-Day Marriage]

5 hours ago, zil said:

From my understanding, that is not what the prophets call "complete fidelity in marriage".  I still think you should discuss with the bishop - it looks to me like a start, not the extent.

It is not being faithful to his covenants and I agree it should be directly addressed in the right way.  People who let themselves build attachments like that wind up in a mental fog where they literally rewrite their own history in their head to downgrade their relationship with their wife and build up this other person into the magical ONE they are supposed to be with, proving in their mind that their marriage was a mistake.  It's a delusion fueled by hormones, imagination and Satan's whispers.

[NightSG]

20 hours ago, bethejoy said:

I should clarify what I mean by emotional affair. He has been emailing this other woman and telling her he thinks they should be together sometime in the future, he talks to her about his philosophies on life and love, and he has gone to see her on at least one occasion (she lives an hour away). I do not have any evidence of them getting physical or even talking about those kinds of things. But he gave her chocolates on Valentine's Day and is secretive about their "friendship" (changed his passcode on his phone and closes his laptop whenever I come anywhere near).

Ok, let me put this simply; anyone who truly wants a divorce isn't right in the head.  There are times, however, when one can be quite right in seeing it as the lesser evil compared to continuing in a mockery of marriage.  This really sounds like one of those times.

 

[bethejoy]

On April 23, 2016 at 1:09 PM, Eowyn said:

That is incredibly selfish and unfair.

Is there another woman? I know it's a painful possibility to consider, but given how he's acting, I would be surprised if there's not.          

Update: I finally received divorce papers this week. Also learned my husband has seduced the other woman and has convinced her she needs to get divorced (very sad because she also has several kids). I've got a good lawyer, but therapy and hindsight have helped me recognize I've been married to a controlling, manipulative narcissist and it has turned to a custody battle, I believe mainly because he doesn't want to pay me any child support. He cut me off financially. Luckily I have a job, but I've had to get help from the ward for food and bills and borrowed money from my parents to pay the lawyer. This is very difficult as I have to allow him to spend time with my kids but he is manipulating them as well. It will be months before we even see a judge and get some resolution.

[NeuroTypical]

I'm sorry.   God bless you, bethejoy.  I'm glad your ward and parents are being supportive.

[Jane_Doe]

*Hugs*  You seem to be doing things the best you can.  I'll keep you in my prayers.

[Sunday21]

Oh Beth! So sorry to hear this! Good for you for doing all the right things. So glad the ward is being supportive.

[CarolynTFrank]

Whats the situation now!?

[bethejoy]

On June 15, 2017 at 4:39 AM, CarolynTFrank said:

Whats the situation now!?

Our divorce is final. His girlfriend's divorce is still ongoing, however, so the repercussions are continuing. They hide their relationship for now, but when they're both legally free to move forward, I'm pretty sure I know who my kids' stepmom will be. ?

My financial situation and emotional well-being have improved by leaps and bounds now that I am not being manipulated or taken advantage of by him anymore. I have primary custody, but with such young kids, we will be interacting for years to come. He makes co-parenting difficult and spreads lies about me. 

Life as a working, single mom of four is incredibly stressful and lonely. But I receive so many blessings for remaining faithful! I see God's hand in my daily life, buoying me up, teaching me, refining my testimony, helping me overcome my weaknesses. Though I have been utterly betrayed by the one who covenanted to love and support me, my heartache is lessened by hope in God's blessings. I have a long road ahead of me with heavy burdens to bear, but I know in Whom I have trusted.

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

I'm so sorry you and your children habe been put through this. The Lord is mindful of you.

[clbent04]

On 4/17/2016 at 4:31 PM, bethejoy said:

My husband and I were both raised in the LDS church, we were married in the temple and have been active members our whole marriage. Now, almost 14 years later my husband has decided to divorce me. I do not want the divorce, but I cannot force him to stay. There is no major sin, no faith crisis, just his belief that we can never have true joy together. I have done some major introspection since he told me he is leaving and recognize that while we both have strong individual testimonies, we hardly ever prayed or studied scriptures as a couple and went to the temple together only a handful of times. Now, I am praying more fervently than ever before and going to the temple every week. My desire is that we begin doing these things together and seek to heal our marriage by applying the Atonement. But he is unwilling to do this.

 

I believe our communication problems and misunderstandings between us are partially impacted by his having a serious, diagnosed mood disorder that neither of us could fully understand. He was miserable and having suicidal thoughts, but says he has only had peace since coming to the decision to divorce.

 

We have four young children and I will be the primary caregiver after the divorce is final. I am wondering where the failure of my marriage leaves me. As I have not broken my covenants but am being divorced against my will (although I admit I was not a perfect spouse and should have been more loving, less critical, and should have put much more emphasis on building our spiritual connection) do I have any claim on the marital covenants I made and was faithful to? If I were never to remarry in this life, would I still have a chance to have that kind of union in the next life?

 

As a working, single mom, I will not likely be seeking a new companion any time soon. I have distant hopes that my soon-to-be-ex-husband and I will both continue to progress individually and maybe remarry in the future.

I don't have any advice, but just wanted to say I am very sorry to hear you are going through this

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

6 hours ago, clbent04 said:

I don't have any advice, but just wanted to say I am very sorry to hear you are going through this

You know, sometimes that is the best thing to say.  No advice, just sorry and I'm here for you.  

[Sunday21]

I am so sorry. This is a really tough situation.

[Midwest LDS]

Sister I admire your willingness to put your full faith in our Savior in an incredibly difficult situation. I'm sorry you had to go through this trial, and I know the Lord will bless you now and throughout eternity for staying true to him. God bless you.