Spiritually Struggling

[OtterlyNice]

I've never have had a problem with my testimony and I still do believe that the LDS church is the true church. However I've found myself in a position where I am now spiritually struggling and trying to figure out what to do from here. In September 2014 I started questioning "when do you take out your endowment?" and I decided to take it one step at a time by first going to the temple for my 19th birthday to go do baptisms for the dead, I was prompted to get my patriarchal blessing first so in November I got my blessing and waited and prayed if taking out my endowment would be the right thing for me at the time. Christmas morning of 2014 I woke up to the spirit screaming at me so strongly to go take out my endowment which freaked me out slightly so I decided to take a walk and think about it. I kept asking Heavenly Father "why? I don't feel ready or worthy yet!" I then felt the spirit tell me that he understands why I had made the choices in my life that I had in the past and that it was important for me to start doing temple work right away. So I started preparing by taking temple prep, doing baptisms for the dead frequently, reading my scriptures, praying, and eventually getting my recommend. By April 6th 2015 I took out my endowment and the spirit was so strong that I didn't want to ever leave and I truly love the temple. Initially everything was fine but quickly more and more tragic stuff happened to me. I was sexually assaulted multiple times by multiple people, I was evicted from my apartment for having an emotional support dog that was then taken away I was hospitalized and was then hospitalized 4 more times for my diabetes at no fault of my own including being in a coma for 3 days, I was diagnosed with a rare chronic pain disease, and I was forced to give up my job and move back in with my mom to take care of my health. After all of this my anxiety and depression got out of control (which I'm now on medication for) and one of the reasons I moved out of my moms house was because it was beating down my confidence for trying to prove to her all the time that I could be trusted and now that I'm back she has found out some stuff that I did when I lived on my own with my boyfriend when we were talking about getting married which I did talk to my bishop about at the time. Now between the facts that I'm no longer getting any spiritual guidance since my coma, my anxiety and depression, and my mom always judging me and making passive aggressive about my past I feel stuck between and rock and a hard place and my garments feel panic attack inducing. I feel like you're always being told that the garments will protect you and they protected me from nothing. I feel like everyone knows and is judging me every time I do or don't wear my garments which i do go back and forth on wearing now because its been causing me so much more anxiety. When I do I feel like my mom doesn't think I'm worthy and that I'm going to hell and when I don't I feel like I've disappointed my entire family. So basically I'm at this point where I know I can't just say that I don't believe in the church because I do believe in it. However I don't know if I should continue to go to church and if I should wear my garments and I need advice because I can't talk to my family and non of my friends had been in the same position.

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

Otterly, welcome to the forum.  Your post caught my attention because I had a related experience.

You spoke of feeling strongly impressed to attend the temple and receive your endowments, and that you loved the temple and didn't want to leave.  Several years ago, I too, was blessed with some spiritual experiences that I treasure.  Did you hear Elder Holland's talk at the end of the last General Conference?  I think his words relate here.  He said:

"We want to hold fast to the spiritual impressions we have had and the inspired teachings we have heard. But it is inevitable that after heavenly moments in our lives, we, of necessity, return to earth, so to speak, where sometimes less-than-ideal circumstances again face us.

"The author of Hebrews warned us of this when he wrote, “Call to remembrance the former days, in which, after ye were illuminated, ye endured a great fight of afflictions.”1 That post-illumination affliction can come in many ways, and it can come to all of us. Surely every missionary who has ever served soon realized that life in the field wasn’t going to be quite like the rarefied atmosphere of the missionary training center. So too for all of us upon leaving a sweet session in the temple or concluding a particularly spiritual sacrament meeting."  https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2016/04/tomorrow-the-lord-will-do-wonders-among-you?lang=eng

Then you were sexually assaulted.  I am so sorry that happened.  You probably blame yourself, because we victims/survivors always do.  I'm a survivor too.  For me it was childhood sexual assault/rape.  I had completely repressed it.  When the shame, anger, pain, grief, loneliness from those years started coming back to me it was nearly overwhelming.  I started therapy, which helped (and continues to help) but I still felt an intense desire to self-harm and seriously considered suicide.   One of the most painful aspects was that while I was feeling that shame, anger, and pain, I could not feel the Spirit.  I couldn't feel the comfort of the Savior or Heavenly Father.  I felt utterly cut off.  And that made me angrier still.  I was angry that They allowed this to happen to me, and angry that They had abandoned me in my time of need. Like you I had loved the temple, but now the temple made me very uncomfortable.  To go inside was torture for me.  Even walking around outside, was uncomfortable.  It seemed like the whole temple was glaring down at me and if it could speak it would say, "You don't belong here. You are not worthy."

My therapist, my Bishop, my husband and friends all tried to tell me what happened to me as a child was not my fault...logically I knew they were right, but deep down, I knew they were wrong.  I was sure it was, in fact, my fault.  And because I blamed myself the temple became a very uncomfortable place for me. 

I suspect based on my experience that the issue you are having with your garments is the same.  I think you blame yourself for the sexual assault (I've never known a survivor who didn't blame themselves, and I've talked to many.)  I want to tell you it was not your fault, it wasn't of course!  But I know that's not enough.  You mentioned that you are on medication, but are you in counseling/therapy.  If you only take the meds, and don't go to therapy and deal with what is bothering you, it's like being diabetic and eating sugar all day long.  As you know, we don't have a cure for diabetes, but it can be managed.  Your depression and anxiety can be managed better with therapy (and meds if you feel that's necessary).  I chose not to use medication, but everyone is different.  Please consider therapy.  If cost is a problem, talk to your Bishop.

Finally, the best answer I can think of to why your garments didn't protect you....I used to ask why Heavenly Father didn't protect me as a child.  What Father would allow His child to be abused, I asked.  I don't know all the answers, but I can tell you that Heavenly Father also allowed Christ to suffer (more than any of us can imagine) so that He would be able to understand our pain, and help us through it.  

If you found this helpful, you might appreciate knowing that I wrote a book on my experience of overcoming the shame, anger and pain that separated me from God.  It's called Touching His Robe: Reaching Past the Shame and Anger of Abuse.  It's available at amazon, and barnesandnoble,  but if you like ebooks, send me a private message with your email address and I will send you an Ebook copy for free.  

And please get therapy, and keep wearing your garments (if you can tolerate them) and keep attending church.  Things can get better if you do the work.  I attend the temple again now and love it once again.  I have bad days, but I'm not depressed or ruled by my anxiety.  Things are so much better for me now.  Things can get better for you too.  Hold on.  Remember these words from Elder Holland's talk, Like A Broken Vessel:

"Believe in miracles. I have seen so many of them come when every other indication would say that hope was lost. Hope is never lost. If those miracles do not come soon or fully or seemingly at all, remember the Savior’s own anguished example: if the bitter cup does not pass, drink it and be strong, trusting in happier days ahead."

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2013/10/like-a-broken-vessel?lang=eng

 

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

Also a MUST for LDS survivors of sexual assault, this talk by Sis. Cheiko Okasaki:

 

 

[zil]

2 hours ago, LiterateParakeet said:

 And because I blamed myself the temple became a very uncomfortable place for me. 

If that (making you blame yourself, so that you'll be uncomfortable in the church / temple, so that you won't go) isn't straight from Satan's play-book, I don't know what is.

2 hours ago, LiterateParakeet said:

And please get therapy, and keep wearing your garments (if you can tolerate them) and keep attending church.

Amen.

 

[Jane_Doe]

18 hours ago, OtterlyNice said:

I've never have had a problem with my testimony and I still do believe that the LDS church is the true church. However I've found myself in a position where I am now spiritually struggling and trying to figure out what to do from here. In September 2014 I started questioning "when do you take out your endowment?" and I decided to take it one step at a time by first going to the temple for my 19th birthday to go do baptisms for the dead, I was prompted to get my patriarchal blessing first so in November I got my blessing and waited and prayed if taking out my endowment would be the right thing for me at the time. Christmas morning of 2014 I woke up to the spirit screaming at me so strongly to go take out my endowment which freaked me out slightly so I decided to take a walk and think about it. I kept asking Heavenly Father "why? I don't feel ready or worthy yet!" I then felt the spirit tell me that he understands why I had made the choices in my life that I had in the past and that it was important for me to start doing temple work right away. So I started preparing by taking temple prep, doing baptisms for the dead frequently, reading my scriptures, praying, and eventually getting my recommend. By April 6th 2015 I took out my endowment and the spirit was so strong that I didn't want to ever leave and I truly love the temple. Initially everything was fine but quickly more and more tragic stuff happened to me. I was sexually assaulted multiple times by multiple people, I was evicted from my apartment for having an emotional support dog that was then taken away I was hospitalized and was then hospitalized 4 more times for my diabetes at no fault of my own including being in a coma for 3 days, I was diagnosed with a rare chronic pain disease, and I was forced to give up my job and move back in with my mom to take care of my health. After all of this my anxiety and depression got out of control (which I'm now on medication for) and one of the reasons I moved out of my moms house was because it was beating down my confidence for trying to prove to her all the time that I could be trusted and now that I'm back she has found out some stuff that I did when I lived on my own with my boyfriend when we were talking about getting married which I did talk to my bishop about at the time. Now between the facts that I'm no longer getting any spiritual guidance since my coma, my anxiety and depression, and my mom always judging me and making passive aggressive about my past I feel stuck between and rock and a hard place and my garments feel panic attack inducing. I feel like you're always being told that the garments will protect you and they protected me from nothing. I feel like everyone knows and is judging me every time I do or don't wear my garments which i do go back and forth on wearing now because its been causing me so much more anxiety. When I do I feel like my mom doesn't think I'm worthy and that I'm going to hell and when I don't I feel like I've disappointed my entire family. So basically I'm at this point where I know I can't just say that I don't believe in the church because I do believe in it. However I don't know if I should continue to go to church and if I should wear my garments and I need advice because I can't talk to my family and non of my friends had been in the same position.

Hello Otterly, and welcome to the forums.

You have indeed gone through a whirlwind of events!  You have my hugs and sympathy- I can relate to a portion of your events and that was nearly enough to break me.  You must be a very strong person to have made it through all of this.

May I suggest, that perhaps the reason the Spirit so strongly prompted you to make your endowment covenants is because God knew this whirlwind was coming and that you'd need that extra strength to make it through?

Remember: the covenants we make (baptism, endowment, etc) don't say that life won't throw us curve balls, but rather that we (with God) will have the strength to overcome ALL that the very gates of Hell will throw at us!

 

[pam]

And I would recommend not contacting someone privately on such a sensitive matter that you don't know.  Let those in the forum offer some friendly thoughts and advice.