'Coming Home Early' article in Ensign

[The Folk Prophet]

7 minutes ago, yjacket said:

The challenge is always living up to what you know you have to do.  Saying it and knowing it is one thing; being in the trenches of parenting and doing it is quite another . . .  

Lazy parenting is the norm, sadly.

[Vort]

In my mind, successful parents teach their children to think about things, not just memorize a list of Rules of Conduct. Because when the children eventually want to breach the Rules of Conduct, what's to stop them? Only their own thinking.

If parents teach their children that obedience to gospel principles brings happiness, then spends the children's young lives illustrating this principle, the children will very probably follow their parents' footsteps. That's my theory, anyway.

[Guest MormonGator]

2 minutes ago, Vort said:

In my mind, successful parents teach their children to think about things, not just memorize a list of Rules of Conduct. Because when the children eventually want to breach the Rules of Conduct, what's to stop them? Only their own thinking.

 

Very good point. I'm eternally grateful to my father for teaching me how to think, not what to think. He always said he wanted a son, not a clone. 

[FogCity]

In the song Hotel California there is a line that says, “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device.”  I think this is applicable here. 

 

I can clearly see a conflict between stories out of the Book of Mormon vs. the Ensign article referenced here (missionaries returning home early).  Throughout our youth we are told about Abinadi losing his life in missionary service or Samuel the Lamanite risking his.  We are engrained early on that missionary service vital and of extreme importance and that risking your health might be required of the Lord.

 

I’m also sure that when missionaries are set apart that they are blessed with promises of health and during tough times or challenges we need to simply endure to the end.  It’s no wonder there are a wide range of differing emotions when a missionary doesn’t fulfill his /her entire service.  It’s too bad there isn’t a scripture story about one of the Sons of Alma who returned home early because of severe anxiety or depression, but went on to lead a successful life.  That would have helped us today.

 

The bottom line is that we just shouldn't care about anyone's past (even if the past was yesterday).  Earlier in my life I may have judged someone who came home early from a mission.  Today, I would weep with joy if a couple of young people that I am close to had the honor and privilege to just serve a couple of days serving the Lord in that capacity.

Edited June 29, 2016 by FogCity

[Guest MormonGator]

6 minutes ago, FogCity said:

 Earlier in my life I may have judged someone who came home early from a mission.  Today, I would weep with joy if a couple of young people that I am close to had the honor and privilege to just serve a couple of days serving the Lord in that capacity.

I'm with you. As a younger man I was much more harsh and severe in my judgements than I am today. Joining the church has infused compassion in me, for sure. 

[TeresaA]

I have a great deal of compassion for anyone who comes home early, for any reason. We ask a lot of our young people. Too, much sometimes, in context of that their brains are still not fully developed yet. The part of the brain that responsible for decision making, executive decision making, is not formed in the human being until about 25 years of age. 18,19 year olds are not yet well equipped for many of the demands of missions. During the time of Joseph Smith, et al., most of the missionaries were much more mature men, not young boys.

[The Folk Prophet]

As to the OP, I think in a lot of ways we're (once again) trying to solve a problem that doesn't exist -- at least not to the extent implied. Let me be clear, I'm sure there are those who are, indeed, unkind to missionaries who return early. That is not what I mean by saying the problem doesn't exist. What I mean is that I don't think it is a "church wide" problem that is some defining characteristic of Mormons. Nor is the so-called "head-trip" caused by the culture of the church or the judgementalism of its members.

Rather, the "head-trip", which is really the problem, is more, imo, in the mind of the beholder. It is the same problem as all accusations of judgement in the church. They aren't real. They are people feeling guilty (even when they shouldn't oft times) and then blaming others for that guilt. That is a very, very natural thing to do. And it's heightened even further by the "everybody's a victim" culture we live in. But that doesn't make it real.

The church (by was of Ensign articles) does address things broadly though. Of course. And who of us could not use the advise to be kinder to others in whatever circumstance they are in? That is not evidence of a church-wide problem. And, of course, even if the feeling judged is only a creation of the person's mind who feels so judged, that doesn't mean that we should not be aware of it and increase our care in how we interact with them.

Of course this sort of thing isn't exclusive to the early returned missionary thing either. Many, if not all, of the principles of the gospel could create similar issues. And they often do. Ever tried living in the church single when over the age where people expect you to be married? What about not having kids through no fault of your own (my personal experience)? Didn't go to college? Have debt because of an emergency? Have social anxiety that keeps you from being involved in certain expected activites? Etc., etc., etc.

Of course these situations cause awkwardness. And, yes, sometimes members are oblivious and callous, saying things they shouldn't, etc. And the advice to take care is wise and we would do well to follow... But when people talk about how blessed they are having kids, and I go off in a huff because I read it as if they offensively implied that my not having kids yet means I'm not blessed or some such silliness, where does the problem really lie?

The "head-trip" that comes from high standards in any give organization/situation is natural. It happens. Is it really a problem though?

I mean, from a certain point of view, dealing with and learning to get over those sorts of head-trips is part of maturity.

I'm not really trying to say that the answer is that these RMs need to grow up. But...then again...I sort of am. I mean, seriously, what, exactly, are the "mean" people supposed to be doing to them? Beating them? Spitting on them? Calling them foul names? Inviting everyone in the ward to a party but purposefully excluding them?

I dunno... As I've said, we can all work to be kinder and all that. But as with many things, an expectation that the whole church needs to be perfect or people being offended and driven away is somehow justified and understandable seems decidedly backwards as a solution. Helping those offended develop a thicker skin seems much more reasonable.

Edited June 29, 2016 by The Folk Prophet

[Guest MormonGator]

9 minutes ago, TeresaA said:

I have a great deal of compassion for anyone who comes home early, for any reason. We ask a lot of our young people. Too, much sometimes, in context of that their brains are still not fully developed yet. The part of the brain that responsible for decision making, executive decision making, is not formed in the human being until about 25 years of age. 18,19 year olds are not yet well equipped for many of the demands of missions. During the time of Joseph Smith, et al., most of the missionaries were much more mature men, not young boys.

YES! 

Absolutely true. When these kids make mistakes-well, they are so young and in such a high pressure situation to begin with. Well said. 
 

[LeSellers]

3 minutes ago, TeresaA said:

During the time of Joseph Smith, et al., most of the missionaries were much more mature men, not young boys.

And yet, USA's first admiral, one David Farragut, was 12 years old when he commanded a warship.

It's not the age, it's the maturity, and we don't expect enough of our young men these days. They don't grow up until they're much older than their grandparents were with the responsibilities of family and producing things that people want and need.

Airy-fairy snowflakes. They're more interested in iPhones than conversion and service.

Yes, I know there are exceptions, and I'm grateful for them. But that does not negate the reality that our children have become part of the world, not merely inhabitants therein. And they don't do anything hard before their missions, as they should, so that a mission is just one more hard thing.

Lehi

[The Folk Prophet]

5 minutes ago, LeSellers said:

Airy-fairy snowflakes.

What?

[Guest]

On 6/26/2016 at 10:17 AM, dahlia said:

I cannot believe that people in the ward would be negative toward someone who returned early

I'm afraid I don't understand this reaction.  The sister who returned early said herself that she realized these were well-intentioned people just saying stupid things.  This is not an LDS thing.  It's not a judgmental thing.  And it wasn't even negative.  It was just plain stupid.  And we take all kinds in this faith.  Forgive them for they know not what they do.

On 6/26/2016 at 10:17 AM, dahlia said:

What kind of head job do LDS do on their youth that they have such major issues?

How awful. Every now and then I run across LDS behaviors that make me glad I wasn't born Mormon. This is one of them.

What happened to loving all of God's children - especially those who are going through rough times? 

I believe you're referring to the following:

Quote

I felt ashamed and confused. Was I worthy of God’s love? Why was this happening when I had served so diligently? Wasn’t I a good missionary? Was God listening to me? Would my peers accept my “flawed” missionary service?

I'm not sure this had anything to do with being raised in the Church.  And I don't really believe that "a head job" was done on this poor sister.  I believe that she had looked forward to her mission so much (which she should have -- nothing wrong with that) and she was greatly disappointed (which is understandable -- nothing wrong with that) and she was possibly emotionally and mentally affected by whatever that ailment was that she had (which was unfortunate, but apparently no one's fault).  Put all this together and she's bound to fall into a bit of depression.  -- That, I believe, was the source of all these doubts and feelings of shame and so on.

It ws not "what was done to her".  It just seemed like this (mission, sickness, early home-coming) was her trial of Abraham that she was being asked to endure.  So, try not to blame this on the Church, her parents, or the well-meaning, but stupid people around trying to comfort her.

Edited June 29, 2016 by Guest

[FogCity]

19 minutes ago, LeSellers said:

And yet, USA's first admiral, one David Farragut, was 12 years old when he commanded a warship.

It's not the age, it's the maturity, and we don't expect enough of our young men these days. They don't grow up until they're much older than their grandparents were with the responsibilities of family and producing things that people want and need.

Airy-fairy snowflakes. They're more interested in iPhones than conversion and service.

Yes, I know there are exceptions, and I'm grateful for them. But that does not negate the reality that our children have become part of the world, not merely inhabitants therein. And they don't do anything hard before their missions, as they should, so that a mission is just one more hard thing.

Lehi

I see it differently.  I teach the 14-15 year olds in Sunday School and I leave every Sunday incredibly impressed with this generation of youth.  They are more knowledgeable and faithful and compassionate, and the stuff they deal with today is fairly daunting.  Our grandparents had their own challenges, but these kids have just as many if not more.

I see their strength and understand why this generation was saved for the last days.

[The Folk Prophet]

34 minutes ago, LeSellers said:

And yet, USA's first admiral, one David Farragut, was 12 years old when he commanded a warship.

It's not the age, it's the maturity, and we don't expect enough of our young men these days. They don't grow up until they're much older than their grandparents were with the responsibilities of family and producing things that people want and need.

Airy-fairy snowflakes. They're more interested in iPhones than conversion and service.

Yes, I know there are exceptions, and I'm grateful for them. But that does not negate the reality that our children have become part of the world, not merely inhabitants therein. And they don't do anything hard before their missions, as they should, so that a mission is just one more hard thing.

Lehi

 

3 minutes ago, FogCity said:

I see it differently.  I teach the 14-15 year olds in Sunday School and I leave every Sunday incredibly impressed with this generation of youth.  They are more knowledgeable and faithful and compassionate, and the stuff they deal with today is fairly daunting.  Our grandparents had their own challenges, but these kids have just as many if not more.

I see their strength and understand why this generation was saved for the last days.

I think it's quite plain that you both have a valid point.

[LeSellers]

8 minutes ago, FogCity said:

38 minutes ago, LeSellers said:

Yes, I know there are exceptions, and I'm grateful for them.

I see it differently.  I teach the 14-15 year olds in Sunday School and I leave every Sunday incredibly impressed with this generation of youth.  They are more knowledgeable and faithful and compassionate, and the stuff they deal with today is fairly daunting. 

Note the sentence in the quote above. Yes, there are exceptions, but they are exceptions. The Brethren have said that the kids from rich families aren't up to the task of a mission. I believe that's one of the reasons for lowering the age to 18/19 — so they would have less time to become flaky.

Lehi

[mordorbund]

4 hours ago, FogCity said:

It’s no wonder there are a wide range of differing emotions when a missionary doesn’t fulfill his /her entire service.  It’s too bad there isn’t a scripture story about one of the Sons of Alma who returned home early because of severe anxiety or depression, but went on to lead a successful life.  That would have helped us today.

Don't tell anyone, but I swallowed 2 time capsules to edit the printer's manuscript of The Book of Mormon shortly before publishing. You should now see Alma 39 and 49:30 providing the character arc you're looking for in a certain "Corianton".

[Guest]

7 hours ago, LeSellers said:

The Brethren have said that the kids from rich families aren't up to the task of a mission.

Not that I don't believe you, but I've never heard of this.  What is the reference?

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

8 hours ago, FogCity said:

I see it differently.  I teach the 14-15 year olds in Sunday School and I leave every Sunday incredibly impressed with this generation of youth.  They are more knowledgeable and faithful and compassionate, and the stuff they deal with today is fairly daunting.  Our grandparents had their own challenges, but these kids have just as many if not more.

I see their strength and understand why this generation was saved for the last days.

I agree.  I know some great young people.  For example, my daughter is 17 and reading the Book of Mormon for the third or fourth time.  The first time I read it on my own was right before my mission (I might have read it for Seminary too, I don't recall.)  My boys are the same way...they went to two Seminary classes and Institute (they started college at 16).  And it's not just my kids, their friends are much the same.  

I have one return missionary son, and one out now...they work(ed) hard and are fine missionaries...their friends that are out right now are as well.  When I see the letters from all of these young men, their testimonies glow, and they are excited to be about the work of the Lord.  They are definitely fine young people. 

[LeSellers]

7 hours ago, Carborendum said:

15 hours ago, LeSellers said:

The Brethren have said that the kids from rich families aren't up to the task of a mission.

Not that I don't believe you, but I've never heard of this.  What is the reference?

Elder Bednar in our stake conference a dozen years ago. He referred specifically to the rich kids in Sandy, Utah, who had a hard time giving up their cars, their Nintendos, their tennis and golf lessons for two years. And, when they did go out (for mostly the wrong reasons), they didn't work hard, didn't preach, teach expound and exhort, but diddled around (not his words) instead.

Lehi

[Guest]

23 minutes ago, LeSellers said:

Elder Bednar in our stake conference a dozen years ago. He referred specifically to the rich kids in Sandy, Utah, who had a hard time giving up their cars, their Nintendos, their tennis and golf lessons for two years. And, when they did go out (for mostly the wrong reasons), they didn't work hard, didn't preach, teach expound and exhort, but diddled around (not his words) instead.

Lehi

I don't see how 18 vs 19 would change golf, Nintendo, or cars.  They probably had all those since they were 16 at the latest.

[LeSellers]

2 minutes ago, Carborendum said:

I don't see how 18 vs 19 would change golf, Nintendo, or cars.  They probably had all those since they were 16 at the latest.

Doubtless they did. But it's one less year of developing an addiction.

Lehi

[Guest MormonGator]

1 hour ago, Carborendum said:

I don't see how 18 vs 19 would change golf, Nintendo, or cars.  They probably had all those since they were 16 at the latest.

 Nintendo-been playing since I was about eight. Love it. 
Golf-Most boring sport in the world 

Cars-I learned to drive at 15 got my first at 16. 

I wouldn't have gone on a mission at 18 because I didn't want to not listen to music, be without my dog, and all the other rules.  I admire people who do go on missions though. 

[Guest]

1 hour ago, LeSellers said:

Elder Bednar in our stake conference a dozen years ago. He referred specifically to the rich kids in Sandy, Utah, who had a hard time giving up their cars, their Nintendos, their tennis and golf lessons for two years. And, when they did go out (for mostly the wrong reasons), they didn't work hard, didn't preach, teach expound and exhort, but diddled around (not his words) instead.

Lehi

They should make a reality TV show called "Rich Kids of Sandy."

Edited June 30, 2016 by DoctorLemon

[Guest]

56 minutes ago, MormonGator said:

 Nintendo-been playing since I was about eight. Love it. 
Golf-Most boring sport in the world 

Cars-I learned to drive at 15 got my first at 16. 

I wouldn't have gone on a mission at 18 because I didn't want to not listen to music, be without my dog, and all the other rules.  I admire people who do go on missions though. 

You're so pious!

[Guest MormonGator]

2 minutes ago, Carborendum said:

You're so pious!

:: takes  a bow ::

I know, I know. I'm still trying to deal with my own holiness. 

[dahlia]

On 6/26/2016 at 3:12 PM, MormonGator said:

 Dahlia, you sound like a such a sweet person. Good for you for caring about them.  I'm also troubled by the treatment they receive from some members. Luckily the days were they are treated poorly are still there-but it's changing for the better, for sure. 

The blunt truth is that not everyone should go on a mission. Some people make terrible missionaries. If you are argumentative , surly, nasty or just uncharismatic you will do more harm to the church than good, for sure.  The LDS culture should look into alternatives rather than missionary work for those people. It might stop a lot them from going out on a mission in the first place. 

It's a HUGE sacrifice these kids are making and often times people lose sight of that with the expectations they put on kids to serve. It's important to remember how much they give up. 

Thanks for the compliment. It isn't always easy for a lapsed lawyer to be sweet - as I'm sure many of my posts here attest.

I agree with you that some shouldn't go on missions, or not go when they are first eligible. I'm thrilled that the Church offers different types of missionary experiences such as having disabled missionaries do online work. It seems that those who want to, and who are worthy, can serve in some capacity. It does pain me, however, to think that some poor soul who ends up coming home early, may have a tough time from other church members.