Considering a separation

[Emilyloo]

To begin, my husband is a gaming addict, however you consider the term. I do have a support system specific to the gaming, but I'm trying to make some decisions from a LDS perspective.

My husband hasn't worked in over a year, having quit his job in order to game. I work full time, take care of the house, childcare, everything.

I don't make all that much, and my husband is incapable of caring for our kids. Last time he insisted he would watch them, he left our baby in the crib for over 8 hours while he gamed. I can't afford our rent, bills, and childcare costs anymore.

I'm going back to school for more training. My great-aunt who lives near the school has offered to take us in for free while I go to school... but refuses to take my husband. I don't blame her.

I long ago made the decision to not divorce at least as this time, but I'm seriously considering this physical separation of letting my husband deal with all the leftovers. The bills and rent are not in my name. My bishop says he can't officially recommend me leaving, but has offered other support.

I guess I'm just nervous at officially making this change.

[Guest]

Sounds to me like he hasn't gotten ucomfortable enough with the situation. How is your relationship otherwise? If it's a stinker all around, I'd take your aunt up on her offer. Maybe it would be a wakeup call and get him to make some changes, or maybe it will show you just how much you're capable of without a 200(ish?) pound stone around your neck. 

It sounds like you have a good support system. 

[Guest]

Posts like this make me never want to touch a video game again!  (I've been known to play about three hours a week, AFTER my daughter is asleep, and I go for months on end often without touching a game).

If I were you, instead of separating outright, I would try smashing the Xbox and games and tell him you are not allowing that back in your house.  Get a hammer and just smash them.  He can either leave and get a job, or stay and get a job, his choice of course.  It looks like your husband cannot handle gaming, and moderation arguments are not going to work.  He is going to turn around in ten years and he will have missed your child's whole childhood, and for what?  What a waste.  

If you seem headed towards separation for a time, looks like you are self sufficient and will be able to handle it, but make sure you do as the spirit directs on this one, with counsel from your bishop.

Edited July 7, 2016 by DoctorLemon

[anatess2]

3 minutes ago, DoctorLemon said:

If I were you, instead of separating outright, I would try smashing the Xbox and games and tell him you are not allowing that back in your house.  Get a hammer and just smash them.

 

I did that.  Yes, I did.  Everybody told me I was an idiot.  (I was also dealing with post-partum depression at the time and my husband was using the video game to "zone out of life" after the responsibilities overwhelmed him).  My husband did not leave.  But he did quit the games and started facing life again.  When we talk about the incident now, we both acknowledge there was a better way to have dealt with that problem but that my smashing his video games was the fastest reality check and that ripping that band-aid was, over-all, a good idea for everyone.  But yes, I was lucky that we both are of the same belief that divorce is not an option.

[Jane_Doe]

I'm assuming you've talked about excessive gaming with your husband.  How have those conversations gone over?

Edited July 7, 2016 by Jane_Doe

[Guest MormonGator]

19 minutes ago, anatess2 said:

I did that.  Yes, I did.  Everybody told me I was an idiot.  (I was also dealing with post-partum depression at the time and my husband was using the video game to "zone out of life" after the responsibilities overwhelmed him).  My husband did not leave.  But he did quit the games and started facing life again.  When we talk about the incident now, we both acknowledge there was a better way to have dealt with that problem but that my smashing his video games was the fastest reality check and that ripping that band-aid was, over-all, a good idea for everyone.  But yes, I was lucky that we both are of the same belief that divorce is not an option.

I'd take the kids and leave immediately. It's not funny, it's disturbing. That kind of manipulation and violence should never be allowed in a relationship. Even if you think your mate is "addicted" to video games. That kind of behavior shows just as bad on the person with the violent tendencies as it does the gamer. 

 

Glad you realize now there were better ways to handle the situation. 

Edited July 7, 2016 by MormonGator

[anatess2]

9 minutes ago, MormonGator said:

I'd take the kids and leave immediately. It's not funny, it's disturbing. That kind of manipulation and violence should never be allowed in a relationship. Even if you think your mate is "addicted" to video games. 

You mean, more disturbing than my IED?  My husband decided to marry me and have kids knowing full disclosure and even with first-hand experience how bad it can get.  And yes, I didn't just one day got full of it.  It was a 2-year battle through 2 post-partums that ended when the games died its well-deserved death.  And, yeah, saying, I'm taking the kids - one less than 6-months old, away from their mother because she smashed my video games... I can imagine my husband's belly laugh.

Edited July 7, 2016 by anatess2

[Guest MormonGator]

2 minutes ago, anatess2 said:

You mean, more disturbing than my IED?  My husband decided to marry me and have kids knowing full disclosure and even with first-hand experience how bad it can get.  And yes, I didn't just one day got full of it.  It was a 2-year battle through 2 post-partums that ended when the games died its well-deserved death.  And, yeah, saying, I'm taking the kids away from their mother because she smashed my video games...

So your IED gives you license to do whatever you want without the consequences then? 

[anatess2]

7 minutes ago, MormonGator said:

So your IED gives you license to do whatever you want without the consequences then? 

I will give you quarter because you've not been here long enough to join in all those discussions about my battle with IED.  It even got brought into a discussion on Fifty Shades of Grey.  That was an interesting discussion with @prisonchaplain

But yeah, smashing video games was not an IED incident.  To compare the two:  the video games getting smashed versus a full-blown IED event is like a bottle rocket compared to a scud missile.  Hence, I stated that my husband deciding to marry me with my IED and then deciding to take the kids from their mother because she smashed his video games is funny.  But yeah, that was playstation and Socom days.  Now we have 3?  maybe 4?  gaming systems... but it's just games now, not a "i'm gonna bury myself in Socom and have you deal with life" situation anymore.

Edited July 7, 2016 by anatess2

[Guest MormonGator]

5 minutes ago, anatess2 said:

I will give you quarter because you've not been here long enough to join in all those discussions about my battle with IED.  It even got brought into a discussion on Fifty Shades of Grey.  That was an interesting discussion with @prisonchaplain

I don't care if you give me a quarter or not. Abusive behavior is abusive behavior. It's not cool with men, it's not cool with women. I've seen to many people use things like that as a crutch for violent behavior. 

Edited July 7, 2016 by MormonGator

[anatess2]

5 minutes ago, MormonGator said:

I don't care if you give me a quarter or not. Abusive behavior is abusive behavior. It's not cool with men, it's not cool with women. I've seen to many people use things like that as a crutch for violent behavior. 

What do you think IED is???  Peaches and Cream???

[Guest]

22 minutes ago, anatess2 said:

I did that.  Yes, I did.  Everybody told me I was an idiot.  (I was also dealing with post-partum depression at the time and my husband was using the video game to "zone out of life" after the responsibilities overwhelmed him).  My husband did not leave.  But he did quit the games and started facing life again.  When we talk about the incident now, we both acknowledge there was a better way to have dealt with that problem but that my smashing his video games was the fastest reality check and that ripping that band-aid was, over-all, a good idea for everyone.  But yes, I was lucky that we both are of the same belief that divorce is not an option.

I am a gamer, and I think you did the right thing, Anatess, if your husband was drifting into some addiction-fueled virtual fantasy land and away from reality through compulsive gaming.  If it makes everyone feel better, waiting until the spouse is asleep and tossing the X-box in the dumpster is a perfectly nonviolent alternative to smashing with a hammer.  But the point is the same - don't lose your family over a box of wires.  This goes for compulsive gaming, pornography, or whatever.

You wouldn't let your spouse keep a playboy magazine in the house when recovering from a pornography addiction (or at any other time), would you?  Is rotting in front of the TV screen for eight hours a day really that different?

[anatess2]

By the way... we're threadjacking Emilyloo's post... if you want to talk more about IED, we can go PM.

Edited July 7, 2016 by anatess2

[Guest MormonGator]

9 minutes ago, anatess2 said:

By the way... we're threadjacking Emilyloo's post... if you want to talk more about it, we can go PM.

No thanks. 

Anyone-if you are in an abusive relationship with violence there are options for you. Abuse, destroying someones property or emotional manipulation is never acceptable. 

OP-I feel for you. There are options available for you. If your bishop can't help (and they probably can) speak to a marriage counselor. If you choose separation, speak to an attorney too. 

Edited July 7, 2016 by MormonGator

[anatess2]

4 minutes ago, DoctorLemon said:

I am a gamer, and I think you did the right thing, Anatess, if your husband was drifting into some addiction-fueled virtual fantasy land and away from reality through compulsive gaming.  If it makes everyone feel better, waiting until the spouse is asleep and tossing the X-box in the dumpster is a perfectly nonviolent alternative to smashing with a hammer.  But the point is the same - don't lose your family over a box of wires.  This goes for compulsive gaming, pornography, or whatever.

You wouldn't let your spouse keep a playboy magazine in the house when recovering from a pornography addiction (or at any other time), would you?  Is rotting in front of the TV screen for eight hours a day really that different?

I actually didn't smash the game.  I threw the playstation out and it smashed on the ground.  All while my husband was at work.  He came home to find the stuff gone... it was actually pretty non-violent... which is not the case when I go full IED - we don't have nice plates as its been smashed over 18 years of marriage.  Now that I'm thinking about it... I haven't had an IED event since I posted it on here... that must have been at least 3 years ago!  I think it happened when my dad was still alive... hmm... now I'm curious.  I have to go find that post to see what date that was.

[anatess2]

13 minutes ago, MormonGator said:

No thanks. 

Anyone-if you are in an abusive relationship with violence there are options for you. Abuse, destroying someones property or emotional manipulation is never acceptable. 

Yes, there are options for you.  Medication is one option.  My husband and I both decided we won't go this route.  My mother-in-law went this route for her psychosis and she's now like a zombie so my husband assured me we can get through it without meds.  Went through ppd without meds too.  We went with sheer force of will... and a lot of patience and understanding and study and research and monitoring triggers and preparing kids and... it can be quite exhausting...

 

By the way, this is relevant to the OP because emilyloo might have to go through this if her husband shows that his gaming addiction is a form of psychosis.  It would be a good first step for the husband to acknowledge the problem and agree to a visit to a therapist.  My husband's gaming wasn't a form of psychosis.  It was just simply his choice of coping mechanism.

Edited July 7, 2016 by anatess2

[prisonchaplain]

The multiple directions this thread has gone makes one thing clear--a real-life counselor is hugely beneficial. One benefit of same-faith marriages is that husband and wife usually agree that spiritual leaders have a certain measure of God's anointing and authority.  So, to the OP--enlist help. Whether it's a bishop, a marriage counselor (some openly identify as having an LDS spiritual identity), or a trusted, mature family friend--do not go this alone.  I can think of lots of things to say to the OP, to MG and Anatess--but really, this calls for live help.  Everyone's writing from their own life's experiences, and how relevant and useful posted counsel is will vary wildly.  Fight for your marriage, through prayer and through the love-resources of your community of faith. If nothing else, you'll know you did what you could. 

[anatess2]

3 minutes ago, prisonchaplain said:

The multiple directions this thread has gone makes one thing clear--a real-life counselor is hugely beneficial. One benefit of same-faith marriages is that husband and wife usually agree that spiritual leaders have a certain measure of God's anointing and authority.  So, to the OP--enlist help. Whether it's a bishop, a marriage counselor (some openly identify as having an LDS spiritual identity), or a trusted, mature family friend--do not go this alone.  I can think of lots of things to say to the OP, to MG and Anatess--but really, this calls for live help.  Everyone's writing from their own life's experiences, and how relevant and useful posted counsel is will vary wildly.  Fight for your marriage, through prayer and through the love-resources of your community of faith. If nothing else, you'll know you did what you could. 

Hear hear!

[yjacket]

3 hours ago, Emilyloo said:

To begin, my husband is a gaming addict, however you consider the term. I do have a support system specific to the gaming, but I'm trying to make some decisions from a LDS perspective.

My husband hasn't worked in over a year, having quit his job in order to game. I work full time, take care of the house, childcare, everything.

My condolences on your struggles.  My 2 cents.  You married an adult child. Unless he is mentally slow, he is fully capable of taking care of the children, he just has decided not to, either because of willful laziness or because he is addicted-it doesn't really matter what is the cause.

You are the provider in this family and you are quite literally taking care of an adult child. So what would you do with a child in this situation? (As a sidenote, it is quite sad that your husband is acting as a child, but from what you have described that is what it is). And one spouse acting like a child is hardly the basis for a stable and loving marriage.  But until that point . . . . since you are the one paying the bills, you have ever right to make a determination on what bills get paid and what bills don't get paid.

Do you really need the internet?  If it were me, bye,bye internet. I can go to the public library and get whatever I need.  I don't really "need" the internet at home.  Cutting the internet cuts a big part of modern games.  With what money is he using to by the games? Do you give him an allowance?

Quite simply, stop enabling him.

[Backroads]

I knew a gal in college who was full-blown gaming addict. Indeed, there was a psychosis there, we learned after the fact. It took a bout of living on the street with no computer to get her finding help for herself. I realize gaming is hard to define as an addiction, but for those of us who have seen it, we think it may as well be.

I'm going to assume, OP, you've probably done plenty already and this is a last resort. If you've prayed about this, I'd do it. Put all responsibility back on him.

[Emilyloo]

Thank-you for your thoughts.

So far...

I have cancelled months ago the internet service as well as made rid of the computer, smart phones, and the gaming system. I have computer/net access as work, library, and friends/family homes. He has a network of family members and a few friends he goes to in order to play. They say he needs time, yet they only prevent him from sleeping at their homes. I have stopped preparing meals for him or doing his laundry. He went to a few sessions of therapy and then stopped. I can't afford to go for myself anymore, though my bishop is trying to find ways to finance this. We barely talk anymore. When we have discussed this, the earlier sessions were promises to stop. More recently it has been about how so many other men get to play video games, why can't he? Why should men have to be the providers? He says he likes the marriage this way, but says he hates me for getting rid of everything and not giving him a way to pay for more.

He was always a gamer, but it went very bad about two years ago and I don't even know why.

It's been a huge, draining mess and I admit that I emotionally checked out of the marriage a long time ago. I have been praying for my marriage, which is why I don't want to do anything as final as divorce. But other people in my situation I have talked with say that they do have to put the typical marriage life on the backburner and work on other stuff for a time. That's what I'm trying to do. If I'm going to be the sole support of my kids, so be it. When I do pray about moving in with my auntie, I have received an answer that my kids need to be the first priority at this time.

[Guest]

I say start packing. Your kids are getting a terrible example of fatherhood and husbandhood.

[NightSG]

3 hours ago, Emilyloo said:

It's been a huge, draining mess and I admit that I emotionally checked out of the marriage a long time ago. I have been praying for my marriage, which is why I don't want to do anything as final as divorce.

Hate to break it to you, but divorce is just putting on paper what your "husband" has already done; you don't have a marriage anymore.

If this had happened for a couple months after some significant event, that would be one thing, but he's been using you for over a year now.  You're not a wife; just a sugar mama.

[David13]

8 hours ago, MormonGator said:

I don't care if you give me a quarter or not. Abusive behavior is abusive behavior. It's not cool with men, it's not cool with women. I've seen to many people use things like that as a crutch for violent behavior. 

And you don't consider that bullying?  And completely off topic?  You need to take off your rose colored glasses.

dc

[David13]

8 hours ago, anatess2 said:

Yes, there are options for you.  Medication is one option.  My husband and I both decided we won't go this route.  My mother-in-law went this route for her psychosis and she's now like a zombie so my husband assured me we can get through it without meds.  Went through ppd without meds too.  We went with sheer force of will... and a lot of patience and understanding and study and research and monitoring triggers and preparing kids and... it can be quite exhausting...

 

By the way, this is relevant to the OP because emilyloo might have to go through this if her husband shows that his gaming addiction is a form of psychosis.  It would be a good first step for the husband to acknowledge the problem and agree to a visit to a therapist.  My husband's gaming wasn't a form of psychosis.  It was just simply his choice of coping mechanism.

I can certainly sympathize with your experience, Anatess.  And I agree, it's on topic.  It's unfortunate that anyone would give you flak about it. 

dc